I can't even deal with how much has happened since the last time I wrote, haha.
For one, I am single now. It's so weird. Coming from a place where I was so sure; so sure this person was the one for me. I feel like an idiot. Someone that I trusted with my heart, broke it. I have never loved a person the way I loved Gabi, ever. I can say that in a retrospective way, too. Even with the pain I am learning to deal with through any distraction I can have, he is the greatest love I have experienced. And this is with someone who didn't love me, nor treat me the way I deserved. I can only imagine how someday, when someone treats me and cherishes me the way I do them will feel like. That is probably going to be something truly amazing.
It's weird to think I'm not with him anymore, and it's weird that I am trying to move on from him. The first two weeks were extremely difficult. I cried a lot. I felt sick a lot. I didn't understand anything. I kept blaming karma; like, this is happening to me because of the way I broke up with John & Tyler.
What is the most unsettling thought for me is that he is totally okay. That he is living life, this amazing life without me. That he may be finding more comfort with someone else. That's what hurts is that even if he says it wasn't me but him (totally fucking cliche btw), that I was apparently perfect - but not good or perfect enough to keep around, or commit to. What was wrong with me? What is it about the new girl in his life in the future that I didn't have?
Things like this scare me. Just when I think I have my life figured out, something changes like a slap in the face. And I'm back to wondering what the fuck is going on.
He was one of my closest friends. One of things I miss most is the way he used to make me laugh. Even after almost a year and a half together, it never got old. He even would joke that it was a miracle that I still found him funny after so long. Will I ever find that again? Everyone tells me it's his loss. His loss. Why am I the one feeling so empty? I keep distracting myself with tinder or bumble, and I don't feel satisfied. I keep wondering when another Gabi will come around. Of course I don't want a carbon copy of Gabi. But there are things about him that I wonder if I will ever get to see in someone else. He wasn't a very emotional person, but once he let me in it was really beautiful. It made it that much more meaningful. I hate writing this all out because it's bringing out these emotions in me that I have been trying so desperately to suppress.... When will I be able to talk about it like it's nothing? Will him and I be friends? When will I be okay with that thought?
New beginnings. My life is full of them right now. Since the end of October, I've been working out a lot. I've been eating better. I began my official Jewish conversion. I have an awesome rabbi/mentor. He is amazing. I am almost done with school. I want to feel so happy, and I do for the most part, but there is that part of me that feels empty. And I wonder if that will ever go away.
I still fantasize about Gabi coming back to me, saying he misses me or wants me back. You'd think that would not be a thing anymore. You'd think the thought of me being with him would make me sick, but it doesn't. Of course it doesn't. Love like this doesn't just go away. That's what hurts, is that I am aware that I loved him on a much deeper level than he did me. So while he is probably totally fine right now, I'm still sort of scrambling to make sense of why I'm not whole, or why I wasn't good enough.
I'm 23 and I don't feel whole. What if it never gets better? What if I end up settling for someone just to get over him? What if he ruined it for me. I loved.. .well. Love. I loved him so much. I want to tell myself that "I never saw this coming" but I think deep down I did, I just hoped he would come around like he eventually always did; he always came to realizations after me. Which sucked but it made it worthwhile.
Right now it seems like guys are interested in me... which is great. This should be fantastic. I wanna run with it and live. I wanna live like he probably is. I hope this conversion will help me connect with myself again, help me realize my self -worth. Because I know I'm a catch. I just have to remind myself that I have so much more to give and offer that I should be with someone that appreciates that.
There's the end of my thoughts on that. On a totally separate note, I have one, maybe two dates this week. One with a guy I met at a White Elephant party (mutual friend) and then a random add on FB, also have mutual friends. They're both Jewish. Plus.
Dear God, please help me find the courage in myself to have fun and realize my awesomeness again. The end
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
only words
In long distance, words are everything. If I don't hear from him all day, I'll get anxious. Because all we have are words. But once he says "I love you", I feel okay again. I can last another day. I miss him so much.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Fear
I miss him so much. Now that he's gone, and our competition prep is over, I have so much more time on my hands. It's crazy. I plan on practicing a lot of violin.
I have a few fears and they are all crazy. But I have to write them out.
1) I spoke with Jee on the phone yesterday, and she was just flipping out that it is even a possibility that I may have to take a bus once I get to Denver to see him. She told me Kent used to be a union bus driver, school full-time, and would sometimes drive 3 hours to go get her at the airport. I asked him how I'll get to Breckenridge from the airport, and he said "I'll pick you up if I'm off work, if not then there's a bus to Breckenridge from the airport."
I'll admit that stung a little; I would find a fucking way to pick him up if it was reversed. And then I see his point; he's just starting a new job and he can't just ask off a Friday evening and Sunday evening to take me back. But idk. I wonder if these times where I keep convincing myself are even worth it. Am I just stooping my standards lower and lower to try and accommodate him? I told Jee "Maybe I am dickwhipped." She said that's not it because when you're that, usually the guy knows it and he's fucking with your head. She said the worst part about this all is that he is such a sweet guy, and doesn't know. He literally doesn't know how selfish he is being, how easy I keep making it.
2) I wonder if I am dealing with all this stuff, him not treating me like I should be, and then learns all these mistakes by me complaining; gets tired of me, then breaks up, and then some other girl gets all the good of him. The part I've been waiting for because I have seen little bits of it and know it's there.
3) I am scared for when only seeing me once a month or so won't be worth it anymore, when our feelings for each other won't be enough. I am so scared. The positive part of me is so determined to make it work, but I don't want to be the only one doing anything.
4) I just hate the thought of him being with someone else. I hate it.
I have a few fears and they are all crazy. But I have to write them out.
1) I spoke with Jee on the phone yesterday, and she was just flipping out that it is even a possibility that I may have to take a bus once I get to Denver to see him. She told me Kent used to be a union bus driver, school full-time, and would sometimes drive 3 hours to go get her at the airport. I asked him how I'll get to Breckenridge from the airport, and he said "I'll pick you up if I'm off work, if not then there's a bus to Breckenridge from the airport."
I'll admit that stung a little; I would find a fucking way to pick him up if it was reversed. And then I see his point; he's just starting a new job and he can't just ask off a Friday evening and Sunday evening to take me back. But idk. I wonder if these times where I keep convincing myself are even worth it. Am I just stooping my standards lower and lower to try and accommodate him? I told Jee "Maybe I am dickwhipped." She said that's not it because when you're that, usually the guy knows it and he's fucking with your head. She said the worst part about this all is that he is such a sweet guy, and doesn't know. He literally doesn't know how selfish he is being, how easy I keep making it.
2) I wonder if I am dealing with all this stuff, him not treating me like I should be, and then learns all these mistakes by me complaining; gets tired of me, then breaks up, and then some other girl gets all the good of him. The part I've been waiting for because I have seen little bits of it and know it's there.
3) I am scared for when only seeing me once a month or so won't be worth it anymore, when our feelings for each other won't be enough. I am so scared. The positive part of me is so determined to make it work, but I don't want to be the only one doing anything.
4) I just hate the thought of him being with someone else. I hate it.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Gone
He left today.... he moved away today. And I am surprisingly not balling my eyes out every 5 minutes like I thought I would be. There is definitely a space missing. I miss him, I do. This just shows that it is possible to live without the person you love. It just isn't the same.
It's so simple to me, I love him and there is a void that needs to be filled. He is a part of me and now that part has moved away. I will only feel whole again when I can be around him again. I hope it's mutual.
It's so simple to me, I love him and there is a void that needs to be filled. He is a part of me and now that part has moved away. I will only feel whole again when I can be around him again. I hope it's mutual.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Last few days
First off to preface this I would like to say my boyfriend took care of me all freakin week. It was the sweetest thing I think he has ever done. I almost couldn't believe it. Here we are, less than a week before he leaves. It flew by.
I feel like most of the time WAS me crying about him leaving, and I'm sad for that. Because I wonder if he is going to be leaving, exhausted from this relationship. The last month was not our best.
I woke up this morning feeling like we are broken up. We aren't, although I think we almost did last night. We almost broke up. And now I'm scared that if we get into a fight when he's in Colorado, he will do just that. He'll just forget how much he loves me because he's angry. Or wonder why he's even doing this. He said that yesterday... when he's upset it's hard to tell if he's still with me because he loves me or if it's because he's just scared. That really hurt to hear, because no matter how angry I am - even if we were to break up, I wouldn't think it's because of that. I know I love him. It almost feels like how we were back in June. And that scares me.
What can I do to salvage these last few days before he leaves, to show him that this is still something worth being in? I do feel like less of a person when he isn't here. I feel like I miss him already. I miss him so much. Why does it feel like a constant battle. One bad fight, and I feel like I'm losing it all. We've had an amazing last couple months here before he's left. It was the best part of our relationship.
I made him a scrapbook. What if he doesn't like it? What if he is wondering what to do with it? I put so much time. yikes and money... into it. It hurts to think that he may throw it away someday. Or it might end up under his bed without a care. Yeah that part stings.
I've seen what long distance can do to even the most beautiful couple. It can break them. I guess a lot of people get through it too, though. I just have to stay positive. I think that's why I've broken down so many times is because I've had a little bit of experience with long distance and it's failed both times. So what's different with this time? I keep asking myself. And then I remember it's him. He's the difference. I really love him and if we both truly love each other, we will find a way. I can't really describe how I love him, or why. I read this article on one of those news websites about how there are like these 15 questions you should be able to answer about the person you love, I surprisingly knew a few. We've only been together a little over a year, but there was one asking if you knew why you loved the person you do. Well, here's why.
I love Gabi because most importantly, he is always challenging me. I like feeling like someone isn't agreeing with my opinion just because they like me. He's shown me that's okay to do. I love him because of how he makes me feel. I am not the prettiest girl (not ugly either). But sometimes when I am with him, he somehow makes me feel like I am prettier than any girl we walk by. He makes me feel so treasured. And I love him because of the little things we do for each other. How he knows exactly how to comfort me in any situation, and also exactly how to make me smile. He knows I like to be loved after I get upset, and I know he doesn't. We know each other and I like that.
It's these little things that I hope he remembers when I'm not around him all the time.
I feel like most of the time WAS me crying about him leaving, and I'm sad for that. Because I wonder if he is going to be leaving, exhausted from this relationship. The last month was not our best.
I woke up this morning feeling like we are broken up. We aren't, although I think we almost did last night. We almost broke up. And now I'm scared that if we get into a fight when he's in Colorado, he will do just that. He'll just forget how much he loves me because he's angry. Or wonder why he's even doing this. He said that yesterday... when he's upset it's hard to tell if he's still with me because he loves me or if it's because he's just scared. That really hurt to hear, because no matter how angry I am - even if we were to break up, I wouldn't think it's because of that. I know I love him. It almost feels like how we were back in June. And that scares me.
What can I do to salvage these last few days before he leaves, to show him that this is still something worth being in? I do feel like less of a person when he isn't here. I feel like I miss him already. I miss him so much. Why does it feel like a constant battle. One bad fight, and I feel like I'm losing it all. We've had an amazing last couple months here before he's left. It was the best part of our relationship.
I made him a scrapbook. What if he doesn't like it? What if he is wondering what to do with it? I put so much time. yikes and money... into it. It hurts to think that he may throw it away someday. Or it might end up under his bed without a care. Yeah that part stings.
I've seen what long distance can do to even the most beautiful couple. It can break them. I guess a lot of people get through it too, though. I just have to stay positive. I think that's why I've broken down so many times is because I've had a little bit of experience with long distance and it's failed both times. So what's different with this time? I keep asking myself. And then I remember it's him. He's the difference. I really love him and if we both truly love each other, we will find a way. I can't really describe how I love him, or why. I read this article on one of those news websites about how there are like these 15 questions you should be able to answer about the person you love, I surprisingly knew a few. We've only been together a little over a year, but there was one asking if you knew why you loved the person you do. Well, here's why.
I love Gabi because most importantly, he is always challenging me. I like feeling like someone isn't agreeing with my opinion just because they like me. He's shown me that's okay to do. I love him because of how he makes me feel. I am not the prettiest girl (not ugly either). But sometimes when I am with him, he somehow makes me feel like I am prettier than any girl we walk by. He makes me feel so treasured. And I love him because of the little things we do for each other. How he knows exactly how to comfort me in any situation, and also exactly how to make me smile. He knows I like to be loved after I get upset, and I know he doesn't. We know each other and I like that.
It's these little things that I hope he remembers when I'm not around him all the time.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Sick love
So at first when I left my house to get myself "sick food" and left my boyfriend in bed, I was furious. WHY am I getting out of bed to get myself food? He should be doing this for me-- I thought. I was pissed. Once I got back though, he was perfect. He took care of me, and was amazing. When I thanked him at the end of the day, I almost cried haha. He was so sweet to me. It's times like these where I feel like I am honestly the luckiest girl in the world. I wonder if he ever feels like that too. I try and treat him well, although I feel like recently I get pissed about small things. I think it's lack of sleep.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
October jumbled
I had a really bad lesson today. Like, so bad that I emailed Professor Jiang and told her I am not motivated. I've never done that before. She never wrote back; I saw her like two hours after I wrote the email and then she gave me a hug. It was actually nice.
I am weirdly negative. Weird, negative mood. It started with seeing this couple at DDS after class dance. They practice and they're getting good. I guess I got oddly jealous of this couple who used to not be that good, because I'm not practicing like that anymore. I am doing half ass practicing with my boyfriend because I don't want us to just spend our time practicing before he leaves, and then half ass practicing Latin with someone else and not doing a lot with him because I'm dividing my half-assed time to both.
On top of that, it is like my lack of motivation is leaking everywhere. What is wrong with me? Am I getting depressed again? I think I am. Why am I not motivated to do anything anymore? Even teaching is a drag to me. I think I'll start exercising soon. I have to. I need to find a way to feel good about myself.
The other day, I wrote this to bf:
Ugh. Just reading it over again makes me mad. Why am I so negative and whiny???
Then, as I'm grocery shopping, we are starting to text about suggestive things, and during that conversation he totally deviates and asks if one of my friends dislikes him because it's been on his mind. Literally mid conversation of the other one. That annoyed me, so I was cold the rest of the night and it is all so dumb. THEN THEN. Seriously, another then. Then, I see he RSVP'd to an event this Saturday morning to help teach dance. I KNOW I am going to have to drive him since we'll be doing a lesson with Larry. So I'll have to drive us around Saturday, and to back up it's like I'm mad he wants to go to the event for DDS Saturday. I think it's me getting selfish like, I want to enjoy him all for me or something before he goes. What the FUCK is going on in my head these days? Normally I take pride in my attitude, and I can't say that I feel that way right now. At all.
Another thing is, this one has been building up for awhile I think:
One day it occurred to me and I don't remember what the pivotal point of action was, but I one day asked myself is my boyfriend cheap? I always thought no, because he seems to be a giving person; I remember seeing he donated money to this girl's production for her capstone project, and I don't know I guess when you're in love you really just see the good things. Not to say I am not in love with him anymore because I totally am; but - it's like one day I think after paying for myself when we did things together in one period of time OH I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!!! We were going to eat at Green I believe, and he asked me what I was ordering and I told him. He proceeded to order and then paid for himself, and then I had to go next. It threw me off a little bit but not enough to notice a change in behavior. Like if you're asking your girlfriend to lunch, you fucking pay for her. Sorry if that's harsh.
So, a couple more instances happened like this, and I finally asked one of my girlfriends to answer me honestly. Because at this point, I didn't know if I had just been "spoiled" by seeing how my dad is with literally everyone and anyone (and him & my mom reminiscing on the old days when he was poor but still spent every penny he made on her almost just to take her out), and also the past two guys I've dated were so old fashioned like that. I never paid for dinner or anything with them. Tyler was like, annoyingly generous. It used to cause fights... like he wouldn't want to go out if he couldn't afford to pay. That's a little excessive. But it's just weird being with someone that rarely ever takes me out. It's like, an amazing shock when he does these cute thinking of me moments like buying me kombucha when I didn't even ask for it - his "cheap" behavior is not a reflection of his heart; he is such a kind hearted person and I think it's just one of those qualities I'll have to get used to (which honestly every girl will probably admit isn't their favorite haha).
Back to my story. I ended up asking one of my girlfriends if my boyfriend was cheap because I simply didn't know. She laughed out loud and said WITHOUT hesitation, "Yes!"
Has it been that obvious?? So now, we have this ongoing joke which may be mean, but every time him and I do something and I pay (which is more frequent than not btw) I text her and she gets a big kick out of it.
Continuing with the cheap thing; he hasn't had to pay for rent in so long, and it really upset me that I had to pay for my own ticket to DC when he invited me to a wedding. He said he couldn't pay for it but he could buy us a room. Does he realize I am a teacher, and I make less than $15k a year?? With that income, I paid for his plane ticket to Chicago, my family bought ALL of his meals, and I provided a hotel. Without a doubt he probably makes at least triple what I do, no rent costs, and he can't afford to pay for his girlfriend's plane ticket to a wedding HE invited ME to? It is just absolute bs to me. I thought I may have been sounding like a spoiled brat, so I had to consult my best friend and she reminded me that I literally do not think about money when it comes to him - which I don't. I just don't put a price tag on him, because I love him so much. Not like you buy love, but because I love him I literally don't care what I have to pay in order to make him happy/be with him. And I struggle with trying to separate what someone is willing/how often someone is willing to spend on you with just their overall love for you. So I need to divide the two and tell myself that just because he isn't as "generous" towards me as I am towards him, it doesn't reflect on how much he cares about me. Right?????
Again with the kind heart - he gave me ----Yes, gave me, the remaining of his dance lessons ($300). I was shocked. This is what shows me how kind hearted he is. I couldn't believe it. That is fucking generous I would say. I was surprised that he didn't ask me to buy at least 1/2 of the cost or something. Absolutely shocked. I mean this is from the guy that didn't buy my bialy & smoothie ~ $7 during lunch one day.
Writing this all out makes me sound ungrateful, but I am only human. I think a lot of my qualities are not like other girls, but I think most girls or people in general are similar in the sense that they like to feel loved. I feel loved when I get to spend quality time with a person, and like any girl, I like to be appreciated through actions, and things together. For me one of the ways I show someone I care is by cooking/baking for them, buying little things here and there -just because I thought of them. But not everyone loves the same way.
---
On Tuesday, I spoke with one of the mothers of my students after his piano lesson, and it came on topic that my boyfriend was moving to Colorado. She seemed lightly concerned and since we aren't close by any stretch, she was delicate about it an I said I was definitely sad, but I am excited for him at the same time in a way. She proceeded to tell me most of the relationship pre-marriage with her husband was long distance. She made me feel so much better about doing long distance. She was so positive! She was saying how with all the technology and cheaper flight tickets than say 10-15 years ago, it's a lot easier to do long distance. Facetime is a thing now. Back then it was phone calls as a primary communication. I remember when him and I weren't even together last summer, he wrote me one letter. ONE. I waited all summer for him, imagining what it could be like when he got back. Things eventually got moving but that was hard, not talking for 3 months. I am going to try and budget to visit him 2 times/month. at least. Is that too much?
Jesus this post is long. I've had a lot on my mind lately.
Summary, I love my boyfriend. So much. Struggling to separate what you spend on a person being a measurement of how much you care. I may be depressed again. I am not enjoying school right now. I want to dance my ass off.
I am weirdly negative. Weird, negative mood. It started with seeing this couple at DDS after class dance. They practice and they're getting good. I guess I got oddly jealous of this couple who used to not be that good, because I'm not practicing like that anymore. I am doing half ass practicing with my boyfriend because I don't want us to just spend our time practicing before he leaves, and then half ass practicing Latin with someone else and not doing a lot with him because I'm dividing my half-assed time to both.
On top of that, it is like my lack of motivation is leaking everywhere. What is wrong with me? Am I getting depressed again? I think I am. Why am I not motivated to do anything anymore? Even teaching is a drag to me. I think I'll start exercising soon. I have to. I need to find a way to feel good about myself.
The other day, I wrote this to bf:
i feel like ever since you decided that you wanted to stay together, you’ve been in better spirits which is a relief. you’re really excited to leave. and it feels like that excitement has made leaving easier for you and anything to do with me one less thing to worry about. I’m definitely better than I was when you first told me you were going for sure, but it's still hard. I don’t know when that switch will be, when you are gushing about moving and all the excitement, and I will be able to be jumping up and down right next to you. Maybe it’ll never happen but I hope for your sake and mine it does change. I do know I'll be jumping up and down in the airport when I'm waiting for my flight to see you though like an idiot. This is not saying I am genuinely not happy for you because I am. People are shocked when I say that I never once told you to stay. I still feel that way. If you stayed here only because you didn’t want to leave me, that means a lot - but I would honestly make you leave haha.
Before you had officially decided to stay together you would miss me after just being around me, or take me out. or just enjoy it for “the time we have left”. Anything tends to be more spirited I suppose when you think it’s going to end. I guarantee in my last stretch of violin lessons I’ll probably kick ass more than I ever did all year, but that’s beside the real point. While that part was a shitty feeling, it also brought out this part of you that i didn’t know was there. it was so different to the point where I had to take a step back and realize this was still the same person. and now I’m already feeling like we are going to be dancing a lot more (actually really great, it’s what I wanted the whole time). but I didn’t want my last few weeks of you living here to be like that, and maybe I’m looking at it all wrong like any time spent is what matters most. that’s why I don’t really want to talk about it because I feel dumb and and it’ll get easier with time as things always do. I should be thankful that it is even better than it was ever before.
so it’s like bittersweet because good things are still happening but not I guess at the same time. I love dancing and especially with you (and well) more than anyone else. Dancing with other people has really been an eye opener and it reminded me why when I finally started dancing with you it made me love dancing so much more. I will definitely keep dancing of course, but I would be lying if I said I feel just as fulfilled afterwards without you there or even close. In the future whenever we do get to dance I’ll take it as a huge treat. I really hate being a debbie downer especially now because i just want the last bit of time you have with/without me here to be all positive, not wasted on stupid boys or me having these feelings of being needy and sad when i should be that happy girlfriend you actually enjoy being around. and with me at least, negativity just pulls me further away from a person and annoys me (as it has in the past not with you) but i really do put up a front a lot of the time. And when I have to say goodbye to you even if it’s after a dance practice it’s like a reminder to me in the moment that i have to do that pretty soon and it will suck so it’s like instant mood change almost every timeUgh. Just reading it over again makes me mad. Why am I so negative and whiny???
Then, as I'm grocery shopping, we are starting to text about suggestive things, and during that conversation he totally deviates and asks if one of my friends dislikes him because it's been on his mind. Literally mid conversation of the other one. That annoyed me, so I was cold the rest of the night and it is all so dumb. THEN THEN. Seriously, another then. Then, I see he RSVP'd to an event this Saturday morning to help teach dance. I KNOW I am going to have to drive him since we'll be doing a lesson with Larry. So I'll have to drive us around Saturday, and to back up it's like I'm mad he wants to go to the event for DDS Saturday. I think it's me getting selfish like, I want to enjoy him all for me or something before he goes. What the FUCK is going on in my head these days? Normally I take pride in my attitude, and I can't say that I feel that way right now. At all.
Another thing is, this one has been building up for awhile I think:
One day it occurred to me and I don't remember what the pivotal point of action was, but I one day asked myself is my boyfriend cheap? I always thought no, because he seems to be a giving person; I remember seeing he donated money to this girl's production for her capstone project, and I don't know I guess when you're in love you really just see the good things. Not to say I am not in love with him anymore because I totally am; but - it's like one day I think after paying for myself when we did things together in one period of time OH I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!!! We were going to eat at Green I believe, and he asked me what I was ordering and I told him. He proceeded to order and then paid for himself, and then I had to go next. It threw me off a little bit but not enough to notice a change in behavior. Like if you're asking your girlfriend to lunch, you fucking pay for her. Sorry if that's harsh.
So, a couple more instances happened like this, and I finally asked one of my girlfriends to answer me honestly. Because at this point, I didn't know if I had just been "spoiled" by seeing how my dad is with literally everyone and anyone (and him & my mom reminiscing on the old days when he was poor but still spent every penny he made on her almost just to take her out), and also the past two guys I've dated were so old fashioned like that. I never paid for dinner or anything with them. Tyler was like, annoyingly generous. It used to cause fights... like he wouldn't want to go out if he couldn't afford to pay. That's a little excessive. But it's just weird being with someone that rarely ever takes me out. It's like, an amazing shock when he does these cute thinking of me moments like buying me kombucha when I didn't even ask for it - his "cheap" behavior is not a reflection of his heart; he is such a kind hearted person and I think it's just one of those qualities I'll have to get used to (which honestly every girl will probably admit isn't their favorite haha).
Back to my story. I ended up asking one of my girlfriends if my boyfriend was cheap because I simply didn't know. She laughed out loud and said WITHOUT hesitation, "Yes!"
Has it been that obvious?? So now, we have this ongoing joke which may be mean, but every time him and I do something and I pay (which is more frequent than not btw) I text her and she gets a big kick out of it.
Continuing with the cheap thing; he hasn't had to pay for rent in so long, and it really upset me that I had to pay for my own ticket to DC when he invited me to a wedding. He said he couldn't pay for it but he could buy us a room. Does he realize I am a teacher, and I make less than $15k a year?? With that income, I paid for his plane ticket to Chicago, my family bought ALL of his meals, and I provided a hotel. Without a doubt he probably makes at least triple what I do, no rent costs, and he can't afford to pay for his girlfriend's plane ticket to a wedding HE invited ME to? It is just absolute bs to me. I thought I may have been sounding like a spoiled brat, so I had to consult my best friend and she reminded me that I literally do not think about money when it comes to him - which I don't. I just don't put a price tag on him, because I love him so much. Not like you buy love, but because I love him I literally don't care what I have to pay in order to make him happy/be with him. And I struggle with trying to separate what someone is willing/how often someone is willing to spend on you with just their overall love for you. So I need to divide the two and tell myself that just because he isn't as "generous" towards me as I am towards him, it doesn't reflect on how much he cares about me. Right?????
Again with the kind heart - he gave me ----Yes, gave me, the remaining of his dance lessons ($300). I was shocked. This is what shows me how kind hearted he is. I couldn't believe it. That is fucking generous I would say. I was surprised that he didn't ask me to buy at least 1/2 of the cost or something. Absolutely shocked. I mean this is from the guy that didn't buy my bialy & smoothie ~ $7 during lunch one day.
Writing this all out makes me sound ungrateful, but I am only human. I think a lot of my qualities are not like other girls, but I think most girls or people in general are similar in the sense that they like to feel loved. I feel loved when I get to spend quality time with a person, and like any girl, I like to be appreciated through actions, and things together. For me one of the ways I show someone I care is by cooking/baking for them, buying little things here and there -just because I thought of them. But not everyone loves the same way.
---
On Tuesday, I spoke with one of the mothers of my students after his piano lesson, and it came on topic that my boyfriend was moving to Colorado. She seemed lightly concerned and since we aren't close by any stretch, she was delicate about it an I said I was definitely sad, but I am excited for him at the same time in a way. She proceeded to tell me most of the relationship pre-marriage with her husband was long distance. She made me feel so much better about doing long distance. She was so positive! She was saying how with all the technology and cheaper flight tickets than say 10-15 years ago, it's a lot easier to do long distance. Facetime is a thing now. Back then it was phone calls as a primary communication. I remember when him and I weren't even together last summer, he wrote me one letter. ONE. I waited all summer for him, imagining what it could be like when he got back. Things eventually got moving but that was hard, not talking for 3 months. I am going to try and budget to visit him 2 times/month. at least. Is that too much?
Jesus this post is long. I've had a lot on my mind lately.
Summary, I love my boyfriend. So much. Struggling to separate what you spend on a person being a measurement of how much you care. I may be depressed again. I am not enjoying school right now. I want to dance my ass off.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
5776
When I think about what my life was like before college, I giggle to myself. There was so much yet to learn, and I still feel this way. If there was that much I learned in 5 years, imagine what my whole life will be like, when I look back on life when I'm hopefully really really old (I hope I make it to be a really old lady. I think I would be a cute old lady, seriously). ((tailing on that parentheses, I will probably also be that really old lady that says hilariously flirtatious things to cute young 20-something-year- old boys and get away with it because a) I'll be adorable and b) I won't give a shit.))
The past week has been really weird. I've never felt so mutually in sync with G, ever. I don't know what happened. When I try and peg a certain time, it makes me cry remembering how I felt with him before June. I remember the night after the drag pageant, we talked in my car for almost two hours, and while I feel kind of like an idiot for saying, "I think you've fallen out of love with me" - because it turns out he wasn't even there to begin with --- but that's another thread. This conversation sparked something in him; I don't know what I said or what did it. What ever it was brought back my boyfriend. Something slapped him in the face like "Hey! Remember this girl!!! She has liked you this whole time, she is giving you the go if you want! But don't! Not yet!" haha.
After that night, I didn't feel like he was just with me to be with me. It was like he wanted to. He'd reach out to me, see how I was doing, and when we were together, I didn't feel pressured. All along I found out that he has felt a lot of pressure throughout our relationship, but I did too.
The other day, we brought up being there for each other, for all the special event stuff, concerts, races. Me concerts, him races obviously haha. It was because I accidentally missed his soccer game that morning, and I literally never miss anything he does. Not because I feel forced or obliged to go because I'm the girlfriend, I want to support him in any way I can. I enjoy seeing him do stuff that makes him happy. I find myself laughing or giggling just watching him laugh and smile with his friends on the field during a soccer game, or feeling so proud when I see him for the 10 seconds he passes by me during a race. Or crying when he gets to the finish line (Iron Man - seriously I was like tearing and I was next to his best friends so I was trying my best to hide it.. embarrassing lol).
Anyway, he said he would use this time against me (as a joke) and I responded, "I would totally win that game don't go there" which prompted this whole talk about what he missed, and why I never told him.
That's the thing... I did. I told him weeks, maybe months in advance for things. Every time I would bring things up to him with me, pre-I'm-in-love-with-my-girlfriend, I never seemed like something he would was interested in, like in the way I was with him. He would be blase about it like "Oh I'll see if I can go" or just.. not really into it. Into me. He never really showed me that I was a priority to him. This used to be a basis of our arguments earlier on around February, I was always complaining that I didn't want to treat someone like a priority when all I am to them is an option. I didn't want to talk anyone into seeing me or supporting me, it should just be done. I literally watched him put the date in his phone (or at least I thought he was doing that when he pulled up his calendar and said that's what he was going to do lol). He had told me he was going to visit Colorado at some point during camp, which was a great idea. But then he knew my concert was happening. It hurt that he didn't come, or really make it a priority to try and be there. I mean, it's a big fucking deal btw to be a concertmaster. You're the best in the orchestra. He's probably never going to see me do that, because I don't know when I'll do it again.
My friends drove from Phoenix and surprised me at the concert, sending me snapchats of the concert- I didn't know they were there until intermission when I checked my phone and got pictures OF me. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy I almost cried. What makes it worse is that the two guys are; one of them may like me, and the other made a pass at me a couple times. But they were there. They showed their support. They are, in no stretch of the imagination, musicians. And they drove up just to see me play classical music for 2 hours. My friend Ali came with me the entire weekend, and we had a blast. We met a couple guys the night before and I was such a good wingman haha. One guy kissed my cheek that night, it was so weird. I remember feeling like OH MY GOD DID I JUST CHEAT even though I didn't even see it coming. I gave him a handshake after that. I really do NOT handle myself very well in situations like that haha.
Jesus I went off on a tangent! BACK TO STORY-----
So bf and I are talking about it all, and then he said something like that I never tell him about anything, and I should've reminded him or told him. I DID! I don't want to have to egg you on to support me. He only has to tell me once about things, and then it sticks. And then when I know that there is something happening and I don't remember exactly when, I make sure that all my duckies are in a row before planning. I always take him into consideration because he's a priority. Granted, I think that if this was to happen now - where we are now, it would be totally different. He would probably highlight, post it, phone reminder, because I genuinely feel like a priority to him now. The other night I was crying, and he was going to drive over to me at 3 in the morning just to be with me and make me feel better, even though he had that soccer game (that I missed) the next morning. That to me meant more than anything tangible I could ever get. Okay not always, he did get me this necklace and I wear it every day. I freaking love it. It's like a reminder to me every day that I am his and only his...even if I did receive this when that loving feeling wasn't mutual lol.
The things he has really wanted to do, he always asks about. I remember my recital coming up, he asked me like 7 times. I never "reminded" him of my things or never have because I figure if he really wants to go, he will go and inquire more. So I tell him about it, give the date, and he'll go if I'm important. Since I didn't feel prioritized in his life, I never pushed anything that came to my life because I figured it didn't matter to him much anyway. Does this make sense? Why am I asking that question?? No one reads this. I guess it just makes me feel a little better.
So he told me to "let him know more often" or something like that, I and I simply just said "okay" back, instead of the paragraph above which I felt would just be rude to say. But really, what does he expect? How am I supposed to try and include someone in my life when they don't make me feel included in theirs?
I have so, so so much practicing to do it scares me. Bach Chaconne is something I've been wanting to play for years though. When I play it I will probably cry haha.
To get back on track of things, AGAIN.....
I love hearing I love you first. I used to be so scared to even text it to him (I think partially because I knew he didn't feel exactly the same way back), and now I don't even have to say it first. We say it when we want, he says it to me and it never gets old hearing it. Ever. He could have just said it and I could hear it 5 seconds later, still get warm fuzzies just as much.
It's the Jewish New Year, and it is bringing some new feelings of love and growth to this relationship. And I am loving it so far. But I do feel myself not always giving 100%, I know it's because I'm afraid he's going to leave me. I really enjoy myself the majority of the time. And most of the time I am not holding back; usually he is well aware of when I am and does what he can to make me feel comfortable. Which I love.
I took a break from writing which is why this has deviated and probably seems like I lost my groove from earlier (because I did) - I just spent an hour reading ALL of my old blog posts. There are so many in the drafts, too! I didn't post a lot of things, and I still have that file on my computer of random thoughts too. There is so much to go through. Some of it made me cringe haha.
I only saw G last night, and I already miss him. We went through so many emotional highs and lows yesterday; it makes me laugh to think about. Like, EXTREME highs and lows, lefts and rights. Everything. So comical.
Maybe I will continue to write more later if I can get my groove back.
L'Shana Tova!
The past week has been really weird. I've never felt so mutually in sync with G, ever. I don't know what happened. When I try and peg a certain time, it makes me cry remembering how I felt with him before June. I remember the night after the drag pageant, we talked in my car for almost two hours, and while I feel kind of like an idiot for saying, "I think you've fallen out of love with me" - because it turns out he wasn't even there to begin with --- but that's another thread. This conversation sparked something in him; I don't know what I said or what did it. What ever it was brought back my boyfriend. Something slapped him in the face like "Hey! Remember this girl!!! She has liked you this whole time, she is giving you the go if you want! But don't! Not yet!" haha.
After that night, I didn't feel like he was just with me to be with me. It was like he wanted to. He'd reach out to me, see how I was doing, and when we were together, I didn't feel pressured. All along I found out that he has felt a lot of pressure throughout our relationship, but I did too.
The other day, we brought up being there for each other, for all the special event stuff, concerts, races. Me concerts, him races obviously haha. It was because I accidentally missed his soccer game that morning, and I literally never miss anything he does. Not because I feel forced or obliged to go because I'm the girlfriend, I want to support him in any way I can. I enjoy seeing him do stuff that makes him happy. I find myself laughing or giggling just watching him laugh and smile with his friends on the field during a soccer game, or feeling so proud when I see him for the 10 seconds he passes by me during a race. Or crying when he gets to the finish line (Iron Man - seriously I was like tearing and I was next to his best friends so I was trying my best to hide it.. embarrassing lol).
Anyway, he said he would use this time against me (as a joke) and I responded, "I would totally win that game don't go there" which prompted this whole talk about what he missed, and why I never told him.
That's the thing... I did. I told him weeks, maybe months in advance for things. Every time I would bring things up to him with me, pre-I'm-in-love-with-my-girlfriend, I never seemed like something he would was interested in, like in the way I was with him. He would be blase about it like "Oh I'll see if I can go" or just.. not really into it. Into me. He never really showed me that I was a priority to him. This used to be a basis of our arguments earlier on around February, I was always complaining that I didn't want to treat someone like a priority when all I am to them is an option. I didn't want to talk anyone into seeing me or supporting me, it should just be done. I literally watched him put the date in his phone (or at least I thought he was doing that when he pulled up his calendar and said that's what he was going to do lol). He had told me he was going to visit Colorado at some point during camp, which was a great idea. But then he knew my concert was happening. It hurt that he didn't come, or really make it a priority to try and be there. I mean, it's a big fucking deal btw to be a concertmaster. You're the best in the orchestra. He's probably never going to see me do that, because I don't know when I'll do it again.
My friends drove from Phoenix and surprised me at the concert, sending me snapchats of the concert- I didn't know they were there until intermission when I checked my phone and got pictures OF me. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy I almost cried. What makes it worse is that the two guys are; one of them may like me, and the other made a pass at me a couple times. But they were there. They showed their support. They are, in no stretch of the imagination, musicians. And they drove up just to see me play classical music for 2 hours. My friend Ali came with me the entire weekend, and we had a blast. We met a couple guys the night before and I was such a good wingman haha. One guy kissed my cheek that night, it was so weird. I remember feeling like OH MY GOD DID I JUST CHEAT even though I didn't even see it coming. I gave him a handshake after that. I really do NOT handle myself very well in situations like that haha.
Jesus I went off on a tangent! BACK TO STORY-----
So bf and I are talking about it all, and then he said something like that I never tell him about anything, and I should've reminded him or told him. I DID! I don't want to have to egg you on to support me. He only has to tell me once about things, and then it sticks. And then when I know that there is something happening and I don't remember exactly when, I make sure that all my duckies are in a row before planning. I always take him into consideration because he's a priority. Granted, I think that if this was to happen now - where we are now, it would be totally different. He would probably highlight, post it, phone reminder, because I genuinely feel like a priority to him now. The other night I was crying, and he was going to drive over to me at 3 in the morning just to be with me and make me feel better, even though he had that soccer game (that I missed) the next morning. That to me meant more than anything tangible I could ever get. Okay not always, he did get me this necklace and I wear it every day. I freaking love it. It's like a reminder to me every day that I am his and only his...even if I did receive this when that loving feeling wasn't mutual lol.
The things he has really wanted to do, he always asks about. I remember my recital coming up, he asked me like 7 times. I never "reminded" him of my things or never have because I figure if he really wants to go, he will go and inquire more. So I tell him about it, give the date, and he'll go if I'm important. Since I didn't feel prioritized in his life, I never pushed anything that came to my life because I figured it didn't matter to him much anyway. Does this make sense? Why am I asking that question?? No one reads this. I guess it just makes me feel a little better.
So he told me to "let him know more often" or something like that, I and I simply just said "okay" back, instead of the paragraph above which I felt would just be rude to say. But really, what does he expect? How am I supposed to try and include someone in my life when they don't make me feel included in theirs?
I have so, so so much practicing to do it scares me. Bach Chaconne is something I've been wanting to play for years though. When I play it I will probably cry haha.
To get back on track of things, AGAIN.....
I love hearing I love you first. I used to be so scared to even text it to him (I think partially because I knew he didn't feel exactly the same way back), and now I don't even have to say it first. We say it when we want, he says it to me and it never gets old hearing it. Ever. He could have just said it and I could hear it 5 seconds later, still get warm fuzzies just as much.
It's the Jewish New Year, and it is bringing some new feelings of love and growth to this relationship. And I am loving it so far. But I do feel myself not always giving 100%, I know it's because I'm afraid he's going to leave me. I really enjoy myself the majority of the time. And most of the time I am not holding back; usually he is well aware of when I am and does what he can to make me feel comfortable. Which I love.
I took a break from writing which is why this has deviated and probably seems like I lost my groove from earlier (because I did) - I just spent an hour reading ALL of my old blog posts. There are so many in the drafts, too! I didn't post a lot of things, and I still have that file on my computer of random thoughts too. There is so much to go through. Some of it made me cringe haha.
I only saw G last night, and I already miss him. We went through so many emotional highs and lows yesterday; it makes me laugh to think about. Like, EXTREME highs and lows, lefts and rights. Everything. So comical.
Maybe I will continue to write more later if I can get my groove back.
L'Shana Tova!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
The moment we've been waiting for
I feel so loved. I haven't felt this really ever. Which makes it difficult. Why does he have to go away when it's all falling into place (more so)? He tells me openly that he loves me. Even though it hurt so bad hearing that somehow me being submissive for most of the relationship bit me in the ass, our relationship just keeps getting better. He misses me, he loves me. He cares.
These were all things I used to "complain" about not feeling. why can't he love me like I love him or whatever, which definitely seems so silly to write down. But I remember thinking this. That's what pissed me off though; when he told me a few weeks back that he never felt like he was going to lose me or felt like we were growing together --- or he never felt the same way about me. Those things hurt to hear. Just because I liked him more than he liked me I feel does not say there wasn't growth. Just because he didn't fall in love with me the way he expected shouldn't change what's happening now. Which actually he said. But when he was telling me, it was coming off like he was complaining about it like there has always been this disconnect with us, and then said "But it doesn't matter anymore I'm telling you this because I feel so comfortable now and because I love you". Didn't matter, it still hurt and I still cried. I think a part of me is still not over hearing all that. I tried so hard to make him feel at ease with me all the time, and tried to back off to see if he'd come to me. It turns out he never did "come around" until recent, which led me to think WHY has he been with me this whole time if he has been obviously feeling a different way?? I felt cheated, led on. Betrayed. It definitely explained the times when I'd get pissed about saying "I love you" in a text and then him responding with a "< 3 "
So back to the wedding. First off, I don't know what it is but seeing him in a kippa is so hot. Lol. Like I give him googly eyes constantly. He just melts me.
We danced like crazy, and the hora was so freakin fun. I also danced with his cousin David; one memory that is my favorite of that evening is him and bf passing me between each other sharing me as a dance partner. Such a blast. I found out later that we had a crowd. Usually in those situations I don't actually notice when there's a crowd. It's like my violin, I tune it out to focus more. Dancing is a little more of an extroverted hobby for me, I am definitely more showy with it- maybe because I'm more confident with it. I could feel people watching but I didn't know it was a lot.
Gosh. Just the night before the wedding was amazing. He was holding me, kissing me while I slept, telling me he loved me. It's like the moment I had been waiting for, for so long. I remember wanting to smile; not sure if I did because I was so tired, but I felt it. I remember feeling like wow, this is amazing. I'm falling asleep next to the person I am crazy in love with, and I actually think he feels the same way.
The moment we've been waiting for, people. Finally. And now you're tellin' me that I may have to let him go in a few months? I will literally save all my money just to visit him as much as I can if/when he moves.
Is it creepy that when I was watching his cousin get married, that I imagined him and I in the chuppah, doing the whole ritual? I really do think I am the creepiest person sometimes. It's not like I think he's my soul mate, but I do think it's normal to picture yourself long term with the person you love. I wonder if he's done that with me lol. I kind of hope so, so I can feel a little more validated about this haha.
Continuing with what I was saying earlier, I feel like after finding out how not on the same page we were for most of the relationship stung, and I'm still recovering. It's like he's strangely getting what he always wanted in the beginning. Like I am apprehensive with him, starting to protect myself and not just be 100% all in, his call all the time. I've shelled myself since that talk, and it sucks but I can't change it. I wonder when I will feel totally comfortable again. I'm not sure I will for awhile considering I can't even get a solid commitment from him with the whole November thing.
These were all things I used to "complain" about not feeling. why can't he love me like I love him or whatever, which definitely seems so silly to write down. But I remember thinking this. That's what pissed me off though; when he told me a few weeks back that he never felt like he was going to lose me or felt like we were growing together --- or he never felt the same way about me. Those things hurt to hear. Just because I liked him more than he liked me I feel does not say there wasn't growth. Just because he didn't fall in love with me the way he expected shouldn't change what's happening now. Which actually he said. But when he was telling me, it was coming off like he was complaining about it like there has always been this disconnect with us, and then said "But it doesn't matter anymore I'm telling you this because I feel so comfortable now and because I love you". Didn't matter, it still hurt and I still cried. I think a part of me is still not over hearing all that. I tried so hard to make him feel at ease with me all the time, and tried to back off to see if he'd come to me. It turns out he never did "come around" until recent, which led me to think WHY has he been with me this whole time if he has been obviously feeling a different way?? I felt cheated, led on. Betrayed. It definitely explained the times when I'd get pissed about saying "I love you" in a text and then him responding with a "< 3 "
So back to the wedding. First off, I don't know what it is but seeing him in a kippa is so hot. Lol. Like I give him googly eyes constantly. He just melts me.
We danced like crazy, and the hora was so freakin fun. I also danced with his cousin David; one memory that is my favorite of that evening is him and bf passing me between each other sharing me as a dance partner. Such a blast. I found out later that we had a crowd. Usually in those situations I don't actually notice when there's a crowd. It's like my violin, I tune it out to focus more. Dancing is a little more of an extroverted hobby for me, I am definitely more showy with it- maybe because I'm more confident with it. I could feel people watching but I didn't know it was a lot.
Gosh. Just the night before the wedding was amazing. He was holding me, kissing me while I slept, telling me he loved me. It's like the moment I had been waiting for, for so long. I remember wanting to smile; not sure if I did because I was so tired, but I felt it. I remember feeling like wow, this is amazing. I'm falling asleep next to the person I am crazy in love with, and I actually think he feels the same way.
The moment we've been waiting for, people. Finally. And now you're tellin' me that I may have to let him go in a few months? I will literally save all my money just to visit him as much as I can if/when he moves.
Is it creepy that when I was watching his cousin get married, that I imagined him and I in the chuppah, doing the whole ritual? I really do think I am the creepiest person sometimes. It's not like I think he's my soul mate, but I do think it's normal to picture yourself long term with the person you love. I wonder if he's done that with me lol. I kind of hope so, so I can feel a little more validated about this haha.
Continuing with what I was saying earlier, I feel like after finding out how not on the same page we were for most of the relationship stung, and I'm still recovering. It's like he's strangely getting what he always wanted in the beginning. Like I am apprehensive with him, starting to protect myself and not just be 100% all in, his call all the time. I've shelled myself since that talk, and it sucks but I can't change it. I wonder when I will feel totally comfortable again. I'm not sure I will for awhile considering I can't even get a solid commitment from him with the whole November thing.
Update
"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it."
This was just like a *mind blown* moment for me. And it is so true. I wonder if I should share this with the bf. He's said something exactly along these lines in regards to our relationship; that it's so great but he's always going to wonder "What if". Not that it's not a completely abnormal thought, I think that too. A lot. I think to myself, "Is he really the best I can do? Is he the best for me?"
My love for him just consumes me, and makes me want to continue. I have that doubt, but I also am feeling so loved and don't want it to go away.
I've been working on the Bach Chaconne for about a month now, and I started working on it when he and I started talking about breaking up. So now every time I'm practicing it or listen to a recording of myself for performance practice, I hear the sadness in my playing. I can hear in the dissonance, this instability and shakiness. Is this piece totally blackballed now??? I mean this was something I have been wanting to play for years, and now I finally am. Maybe this is inevitably my interpretation of it. And I think it would be enjoyable for people but the way I'm playing it may cause tears (which is actually a personal goal for me whenever I play. I want people to feel what I'm feeling).
So much as happened: I just came back from an extremely quick trip to DC for a wedding with the bf, and it was an absolute fairytale of a wedding. I met one side of his family, and they were all very sweet to me. I remember the first time I met his parents, I was so scared. Like, BOTH of them are rabbis! They're gonna hate me!!! Thinking they're orthodox or something. It's so silly when I think about it now. Out of all people that I would expect to make me feel uncomfortable, I was thinking it'd be them. But never once have they, ever. I truly adore them. His mom is one of the sweetest women in the world, she always makes me feel at ease. Which probably makes her an amazing rabbi, too. And his dad good god. He is freaking hilarious. Even after a year I'm not used to his humor, so I'm always still laughing after everyone else is over what he said. I see so much of my boyfriend in him, I actually think he looks more like his dad than mom.
I have been teaching for a month and been in school for about a month - gosh how time is flyin' already. I am also trying to move into my new apartment at the end of the month; I'm hoping I save money but we'll see.
Next post will be juicier.
This was just like a *mind blown* moment for me. And it is so true. I wonder if I should share this with the bf. He's said something exactly along these lines in regards to our relationship; that it's so great but he's always going to wonder "What if". Not that it's not a completely abnormal thought, I think that too. A lot. I think to myself, "Is he really the best I can do? Is he the best for me?"
My love for him just consumes me, and makes me want to continue. I have that doubt, but I also am feeling so loved and don't want it to go away.
I've been working on the Bach Chaconne for about a month now, and I started working on it when he and I started talking about breaking up. So now every time I'm practicing it or listen to a recording of myself for performance practice, I hear the sadness in my playing. I can hear in the dissonance, this instability and shakiness. Is this piece totally blackballed now??? I mean this was something I have been wanting to play for years, and now I finally am. Maybe this is inevitably my interpretation of it. And I think it would be enjoyable for people but the way I'm playing it may cause tears (which is actually a personal goal for me whenever I play. I want people to feel what I'm feeling).
So much as happened: I just came back from an extremely quick trip to DC for a wedding with the bf, and it was an absolute fairytale of a wedding. I met one side of his family, and they were all very sweet to me. I remember the first time I met his parents, I was so scared. Like, BOTH of them are rabbis! They're gonna hate me!!! Thinking they're orthodox or something. It's so silly when I think about it now. Out of all people that I would expect to make me feel uncomfortable, I was thinking it'd be them. But never once have they, ever. I truly adore them. His mom is one of the sweetest women in the world, she always makes me feel at ease. Which probably makes her an amazing rabbi, too. And his dad good god. He is freaking hilarious. Even after a year I'm not used to his humor, so I'm always still laughing after everyone else is over what he said. I see so much of my boyfriend in him, I actually think he looks more like his dad than mom.
I have been teaching for a month and been in school for about a month - gosh how time is flyin' already. I am also trying to move into my new apartment at the end of the month; I'm hoping I save money but we'll see.
Next post will be juicier.
Saturday, August 22, 2015
times like these
Hangouts like last night just really blow my mind. In a good way. They're bittersweet in a way. How could it get any better?? And then it does. Evenings like last night make me ask myself "how could we ever be apart ever again" ? How? I don't understand. Everything just fits and flows and is so organic. How could we ever want to be apart after this. Sorry, how could he want to be apart especially after times like yesterday.
Being with his family is something I really do treasure. It used to bug me being around really happy families who get along really well, but I have never once felt that way with his family. Ever. Even though his family dynamic is so different from my family's, I have never felt so at ease as I do there. Another thing that means seriously the world to me is whenever I go over there for dinner on Shabbat, his mom blesses me too. Like I am her child. It makes me smile and I feel so full of love after something that takes 8 seconds. It's just the meaning behind that makes me want to just hug her. I love his family. I am pretty sure he doesn't like mine though haha. He has seen the not so wonderful sides of my family that I am embarrassed to admit even occur.
Last night was just really chill. I was okay with just sitting there with him on his bed in silence (Something I have NEVER been okay with until him) until he was ready to talk to me - I knew something was up in his mind but it would take awhile to warm up. We just talked about a lot, got a lot out in the open and it was so refreshing. Although, I am still confused as to what he meant when he said that he feels like things have come full circle, about moving or something. I may need reclarification.
I love this guy so much. I know neither of us have really dated a lot of other people. But that should not retract from the sincerity and depth of what I feel. It shouldn't be any less validating because I am only 23, or that I haven't had "7 boyfriends" - as a wise educator told me (she said I should have at least 7 boyfriends before I decide to be with 'the one').
I know soulmates aren't a thing. But everyone has a choice. Even though my choice isn't something that has to be permanent, I have to see where it goes. Because I've never experienced anything so nerve-wracking (because I care so fucking much) and perfect at the same time.
Being with his family is something I really do treasure. It used to bug me being around really happy families who get along really well, but I have never once felt that way with his family. Ever. Even though his family dynamic is so different from my family's, I have never felt so at ease as I do there. Another thing that means seriously the world to me is whenever I go over there for dinner on Shabbat, his mom blesses me too. Like I am her child. It makes me smile and I feel so full of love after something that takes 8 seconds. It's just the meaning behind that makes me want to just hug her. I love his family. I am pretty sure he doesn't like mine though haha. He has seen the not so wonderful sides of my family that I am embarrassed to admit even occur.
Last night was just really chill. I was okay with just sitting there with him on his bed in silence (Something I have NEVER been okay with until him) until he was ready to talk to me - I knew something was up in his mind but it would take awhile to warm up. We just talked about a lot, got a lot out in the open and it was so refreshing. Although, I am still confused as to what he meant when he said that he feels like things have come full circle, about moving or something. I may need reclarification.
I love this guy so much. I know neither of us have really dated a lot of other people. But that should not retract from the sincerity and depth of what I feel. It shouldn't be any less validating because I am only 23, or that I haven't had "7 boyfriends" - as a wise educator told me (she said I should have at least 7 boyfriends before I decide to be with 'the one').
I know soulmates aren't a thing. But everyone has a choice. Even though my choice isn't something that has to be permanent, I have to see where it goes. Because I've never experienced anything so nerve-wracking (because I care so fucking much) and perfect at the same time.
New dance era
I have always loved dance. Always. I have never dated someone who danced a lot, or considered themselves a dancer. I always was with someone that would watch me do my thing. Like, it's my hobby and they have their own but we appreciate each other's talents. This talent became a shared one; I was never watching him dance because I am part of that hobby. We were each other's partners. When I initially found out he was going away, I was just shocked. I didn't even think about dance.
Once dance kicked in my brain, I realized that ballroom dance had become something for me that was a love I shared with the person I love. I felt like I can't do that with anybody else. It would be too weird. Now if the situation was reversed, I think he would still miss dancing with me but he also did it more for himself - for his gain. He is much better at keeping things mutually exclusive. I start to overlap my interests and feelings with each other. For me, the thought of dancing with someone else was just weird. Why would I do that? He's my partner. Which is dumb. But when someone else asked to be my dance partner after finding out that I won't be with Gabi anymore, I didn't jump at the opportunity and I think most would in that situation. Especially if it's someone good. Good dancer guys are hard to come by. So I asked myself what is wrong here. This guy is a great dancer. And it's because it's like I'm not ready. But this may be good for me; to remind me why I loved dancing in the first place. I don't love dancing because of Gabi, I love dancing because I love dancing. Even if he made me love it more. I think dancing with someone I am not romantically interested or attracted to will be good for this situation/me. I will remember why I love dancing without that romantic component.
It's just hard. It'll be hard going on the floor and not having Gabi next to me holding my hand.
Once dance kicked in my brain, I realized that ballroom dance had become something for me that was a love I shared with the person I love. I felt like I can't do that with anybody else. It would be too weird. Now if the situation was reversed, I think he would still miss dancing with me but he also did it more for himself - for his gain. He is much better at keeping things mutually exclusive. I start to overlap my interests and feelings with each other. For me, the thought of dancing with someone else was just weird. Why would I do that? He's my partner. Which is dumb. But when someone else asked to be my dance partner after finding out that I won't be with Gabi anymore, I didn't jump at the opportunity and I think most would in that situation. Especially if it's someone good. Good dancer guys are hard to come by. So I asked myself what is wrong here. This guy is a great dancer. And it's because it's like I'm not ready. But this may be good for me; to remind me why I loved dancing in the first place. I don't love dancing because of Gabi, I love dancing because I love dancing. Even if he made me love it more. I think dancing with someone I am not romantically interested or attracted to will be good for this situation/me. I will remember why I love dancing without that romantic component.
It's just hard. It'll be hard going on the floor and not having Gabi next to me holding my hand.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Away
I would also like to add that hearing him say last night that I should go away, or move and do something for me hurt. It hurts thinking there could be a time when I couldn't come home and tell him about my day. Or hear about his. It really hurts to think that someday he could meet someone that would make him totally forget about me and what we have.
Choice
I forgot what this feels like to be anxious all the time. Not really anxious, but just uncertain. My life gets so hectic that I crave stability. I came to the conclusion last night when I reluctantly was sharing my feelings that I purposefully keep myself busy so I don't have to think about a lot of things. Because of the type of person I am; over-analyzing, over-thinking, over-doing, I don't want to be left alone with my feelings for too long. Usually I can be, but things just keep adding up. First I'm dealing with family stuff, and okay what ever I've learned to deal with that. But now that I have this haunting feeling that there is a high probability that I am going to be losing one of the closest people in my life in just a few months, it has turned me upside down. Most of the time I pride myself in being a strong person and strong willed, but this one is just an internal battle. I'm in this stage now for the past couple days where it's like I'm just looking for things to be upset over. Example. I remember saying months and months ago ... specifically January that if he didn't see this going anywhere, as just something intermediary, then I wanted it to end right then. All he said was he isn't sure about anything and can't say that because you just don't know. It turns out he had known all along. He said the other day that he always thought this would just be a transitionary thing for him, to lead to the next step in his life which is a move away. But then this turned into something more than he thought it would. Why wasn't he up front with me? Why did he have to lie? Now I am in this situation, 8 months later still not in control, and without a say. I'm just sitting here waiting for him to say, "Okay. Let's do long distance." Or find out that I'm just not worth it. It hurts to think about. Why does me having to be a good person to see a future with have to bite me in the ass? Why is this not something that is working out for me?
I don't believe in true love. I don't believe that there is one single person out there for you. It's an active choice. I could have made it work with Tyler, John. I could have. But I didn't. I chose not to. For a while, I could see myself with Tyler. Fuck I stayed with him for 4 years. People change, things change. And that's okay. For a while, I made the active choice of committing, even though in the end all it turned out to be was me being scared. But I made the choice to stay until I realized this was not for me. I saw it through. Now this, what I have right now is something beautiful. I've never met anyone like him before. He inspires me. What a person should do for you. But for that to just be ripped away from you before it even blossoms to something better? I have a difficult time understanding this. I didn't expect to meet someone at 23 that I could see myself with forever, and I think part of that uncertainty is still here because it's still hard for me to believe sometimes that him and I are even together. From the moment I met him (again), I felt something different than I had with anyone else. Even the first time we met, I told Eydn about it and said, "He's literally perfect! He's funny, Jewish, perfect looking, but too bad I'm with Tyler." Verbatim. She even remembers this conversation. Which makes us giggle.
I can't just give up right now because it doesn't feel right. If it felt right to end it, I absolutely would. This isn't even in a selfless way, but it isn't entirely selfish reasons either. It just doesn't feel right letting go right now. Of course you're not going to stay with someone if they want out. Obviously. But he wants in and thinks I'm awesome. Why isn't that enough for now.
The thought of him with someone else instantly brings tears to my eyes. It makes it hard to breathe, that right now someone I love so much could have even a small desire to be with someone else. A part of me knows this is because I'm the first long term girlfriend he's had in college. But so? The grass isn't always greener on the other side. But I had to figure that out for myself. I used to be envious of one of my friends who literally could just hook up with people and have this Miss Independent persona. Like, wow. That is so cool. But then I realized she is actually kind of lonely, and she is guarding something. She had her heart broken and was afraid to bounce back. And now she is in a relationship again, and I've never seen her happier.
He hasn't had the opportunity yet to do so. And it sucks. Because I know feelings fade. I know it is so hard to imagine now, but I know that my feelings would fade for him, especially if I kept telling myself that he wants to be with other people. I would have to force myself. Force myself out of one of the most amazing things I've ever felt. I know he would find someone else, because there are so many people in this world that are going to be a good fit for you. It's who you decide to just make a choice to see where it goes with. And that's what pisses me off. Just because I didn't meet you when you are 30 I'm not right for you? What is so wrong about me now? If you want to go off and find yourself, what is stopping you? It's not like you would just stop talking to all your family and friends, it's just me. Me, a person that is so supportive, literally at a point where I love him so much that I want him to go. I'm stopping him somehow. And I guess the only thing I'm stopping him from his what. Sexual experiences? Date nights? Trips alone? I don't know.
If going off and doing you is what you want to do, then do it. But don't make any less of what we have or say it isn't "what's right" right now. Because that is bull shit. No one knows where they will be when they are 30. I don't know where I'll be. But for me to be something that is stopping you from finding yourself is just stupid.
You learn a lot about yourself from your relationships with others. Relationships are so beautiful because of that scary thought of what your life might be like if they weren't there. That thought itself is amazing to me, how much impact a single person can have on one's life. Every person in this world really does hold such a high power in that regard. Isn't it crazy to think about? You alone can give someone butterflies, even if you aren't around. You could be the reason a person gets up in the morning, or the reason why they can go to sleep. You could be the reason why they can't sleep at night. You can get to know a person so well that just within a single second of seeing them, you know if they are okay. You know exactly how to make them feel better, and you know what exactly makes them feel good. You know every surface of their body and every spot that they crave.
I just want to be there. I want to be part of an adventure. I don't like being seen as a blockade, because I shouldn't be. At this point I feel like saying, Ok. Do you. Sleep with as many people as you need to, date who you must, stop talking to me if you want to. But give it 6 months. Find yourself and hopefully that leads you back to me. I don't know if this is denial or what, but a part of me just has this feeling that he will come back. How could he not? And maybe it would completely backfire and he would meet someone who fits him better than I do. When he wanted a break from me a few months ago, it broke my heart. It actually physically hurt me. For that I am somewhat grateful, seeing how much I truly care about a person. I didn't know I could feel that much.
But I knew I had to let him go in order for him to figure out things on his own. And sure, I don't know if he started talking to other girls during that time, fine. But I got what I hoped for in the end, he came back to me.
It's difficult for me to imagine life without him. It really is. I'm just choosing to not do that right now. Because why would I? From a completely selfish standpoint, he is what is best for me right now. He makes me happier than any other person. I'm making a choice to see this through, even within these next few months. Why would I end something that feels so right? I'm trying not to have a plan for my life right now, and with that said I'm trying to take this for what it is right now. Yes he may seem to be someone I could spend the rest of my life with, like in the most non-creep way possible I could imagine this fulfilling life with him being married with kids. We just make such a good team. But I'm not focusing on the future, even if he and I don't see it the same (although that is the problem ultimately is this part of the future is seen identically). Why worry about that now? Why push me away now when we aren't even there? I just want to live my life and why not have an amazing guy who has become such an important part of my life stick around for some of it? Yeah he may want out later, but why kill it when it's good? I just have more love to give right now that I am choosing to not give to anyone else. Because no one is loving me better right now than him. And I can say confidently that I am doing the same for him right now too. It's just not computing for me and I need a better reason. His reason isn't good enough for me.
I don't believe in true love. I don't believe that there is one single person out there for you. It's an active choice. I could have made it work with Tyler, John. I could have. But I didn't. I chose not to. For a while, I could see myself with Tyler. Fuck I stayed with him for 4 years. People change, things change. And that's okay. For a while, I made the active choice of committing, even though in the end all it turned out to be was me being scared. But I made the choice to stay until I realized this was not for me. I saw it through. Now this, what I have right now is something beautiful. I've never met anyone like him before. He inspires me. What a person should do for you. But for that to just be ripped away from you before it even blossoms to something better? I have a difficult time understanding this. I didn't expect to meet someone at 23 that I could see myself with forever, and I think part of that uncertainty is still here because it's still hard for me to believe sometimes that him and I are even together. From the moment I met him (again), I felt something different than I had with anyone else. Even the first time we met, I told Eydn about it and said, "He's literally perfect! He's funny, Jewish, perfect looking, but too bad I'm with Tyler." Verbatim. She even remembers this conversation. Which makes us giggle.
I can't just give up right now because it doesn't feel right. If it felt right to end it, I absolutely would. This isn't even in a selfless way, but it isn't entirely selfish reasons either. It just doesn't feel right letting go right now. Of course you're not going to stay with someone if they want out. Obviously. But he wants in and thinks I'm awesome. Why isn't that enough for now.
The thought of him with someone else instantly brings tears to my eyes. It makes it hard to breathe, that right now someone I love so much could have even a small desire to be with someone else. A part of me knows this is because I'm the first long term girlfriend he's had in college. But so? The grass isn't always greener on the other side. But I had to figure that out for myself. I used to be envious of one of my friends who literally could just hook up with people and have this Miss Independent persona. Like, wow. That is so cool. But then I realized she is actually kind of lonely, and she is guarding something. She had her heart broken and was afraid to bounce back. And now she is in a relationship again, and I've never seen her happier.
He hasn't had the opportunity yet to do so. And it sucks. Because I know feelings fade. I know it is so hard to imagine now, but I know that my feelings would fade for him, especially if I kept telling myself that he wants to be with other people. I would have to force myself. Force myself out of one of the most amazing things I've ever felt. I know he would find someone else, because there are so many people in this world that are going to be a good fit for you. It's who you decide to just make a choice to see where it goes with. And that's what pisses me off. Just because I didn't meet you when you are 30 I'm not right for you? What is so wrong about me now? If you want to go off and find yourself, what is stopping you? It's not like you would just stop talking to all your family and friends, it's just me. Me, a person that is so supportive, literally at a point where I love him so much that I want him to go. I'm stopping him somehow. And I guess the only thing I'm stopping him from his what. Sexual experiences? Date nights? Trips alone? I don't know.
If going off and doing you is what you want to do, then do it. But don't make any less of what we have or say it isn't "what's right" right now. Because that is bull shit. No one knows where they will be when they are 30. I don't know where I'll be. But for me to be something that is stopping you from finding yourself is just stupid.
You learn a lot about yourself from your relationships with others. Relationships are so beautiful because of that scary thought of what your life might be like if they weren't there. That thought itself is amazing to me, how much impact a single person can have on one's life. Every person in this world really does hold such a high power in that regard. Isn't it crazy to think about? You alone can give someone butterflies, even if you aren't around. You could be the reason a person gets up in the morning, or the reason why they can go to sleep. You could be the reason why they can't sleep at night. You can get to know a person so well that just within a single second of seeing them, you know if they are okay. You know exactly how to make them feel better, and you know what exactly makes them feel good. You know every surface of their body and every spot that they crave.
I just want to be there. I want to be part of an adventure. I don't like being seen as a blockade, because I shouldn't be. At this point I feel like saying, Ok. Do you. Sleep with as many people as you need to, date who you must, stop talking to me if you want to. But give it 6 months. Find yourself and hopefully that leads you back to me. I don't know if this is denial or what, but a part of me just has this feeling that he will come back. How could he not? And maybe it would completely backfire and he would meet someone who fits him better than I do. When he wanted a break from me a few months ago, it broke my heart. It actually physically hurt me. For that I am somewhat grateful, seeing how much I truly care about a person. I didn't know I could feel that much.
But I knew I had to let him go in order for him to figure out things on his own. And sure, I don't know if he started talking to other girls during that time, fine. But I got what I hoped for in the end, he came back to me.
It's difficult for me to imagine life without him. It really is. I'm just choosing to not do that right now. Because why would I? From a completely selfish standpoint, he is what is best for me right now. He makes me happier than any other person. I'm making a choice to see this through, even within these next few months. Why would I end something that feels so right? I'm trying not to have a plan for my life right now, and with that said I'm trying to take this for what it is right now. Yes he may seem to be someone I could spend the rest of my life with, like in the most non-creep way possible I could imagine this fulfilling life with him being married with kids. We just make such a good team. But I'm not focusing on the future, even if he and I don't see it the same (although that is the problem ultimately is this part of the future is seen identically). Why worry about that now? Why push me away now when we aren't even there? I just want to live my life and why not have an amazing guy who has become such an important part of my life stick around for some of it? Yeah he may want out later, but why kill it when it's good? I just have more love to give right now that I am choosing to not give to anyone else. Because no one is loving me better right now than him. And I can say confidently that I am doing the same for him right now too. It's just not computing for me and I need a better reason. His reason isn't good enough for me.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
World's Difference
I would just like to say that I love love. Yes, I realize the tone of this is already starting off completely different than most of my posts as of recent. But I really do. It amazes me the power it has on someone, anyone. It affects their entire perspective, their way of living. I think the month of June and I suppose May as well were kind of low points for me this year. It really shows me now where I am in a regular state of mind just how powerful love can be and what it can do to you, for better and for worse. It's like a pill that if I don't have it, I can't function. Or it can literally drive you insane. Thinking of every outcome, every possible situation that you could be in just to prepare yourself for the worst. Making your mind wander into dark places that really is just making you feel worse, and feel less of a person.
Now that I have been reading more about the Keirsey personality profiles, the ENFJ profile has been helping me understand how I see myself in a relationship. It brings more clarity to read that I'm not insane for putting other's needs before mine (not trying to be self righteous here, I literally will put any of my friend's needs before mine especially a s.o. ) and that it is part of my temperament to be a people pleaser. It also helps me realize that I need to start paying attention to myself more often and remember that I have needs too. Haha.
That's what makes people love each other in the first place, I think. They see you and all the things that make you, you. What food you like, how you react in situations, how your personality compliments theirs, common interests. If I forget what makes me how I am, then what could I possibly offer in a positive way to a relationship? You don't want to become the same person as who you're with; it's that combination of similarities and differences that brought you two together.
That was a point that was made when I had a heart to heart with the bf over the weekend. He wants me to voice my opinions more and what I want. It wasn't that easy though; I got to a place emotionally where I felt too scared to even say that I wanted to see him, because I thought he would just say no. I didn't want to smother him, or be on this higher level of love and commitment than him. And once we both got out in the air what our current anxieties of the relationship were, I know that I felt just a huge breath of relief and I could tell he did too.
One thing I felt so bad about about was I accidentally let it slip out that I had made reservations to take him to dinner and everything which I didn't ever plan on telling him. Yeah, I was upset that he didn't want to see me but I just wanted him to have a good birthday and it be on his terms whatever he wanted to do. After my dance performance he was weird and funky and I immediately thought, oh shit please not again we were starting to do so well and now he's back to being weird and depressed and not feeling it. Him feeling bad about "ruining" my birthday plans for him opened up all these repressed anxieties we were both having about the relationship and it was such a relief. I even had the courage to tell him that I thought he wasn't in love with me anymore and it sucked to hear myself say it out loud, but I wanted him to know how I felt.
Basically, by the end of our hour and 45 minute conversation in my car, we decided to say goodbye and we didn't want to leave each other. It was like old times. He even said he would miss me. I hadn't heard that in a long time. Ever since then, we have been back to our old selves, sending stupid photos and updating throughout the day. I am not holding back with asking to hang out, and it is so refreshing. It's nice to feel wanted again and loved. While it's not 100% back to where it was, it is pretty damn close. Like a world's difference from even two weeks ago. I can't believe I have the old boyfriend back. He even changed his plans to be able to see me on the 4th of July which was shocking, I even told him to not worry about changing his camping trip but he did anyway. He is also going to Hawaii too to visit me, and I am so so excited.
On a separate note, I have my surgery scheduled for a week from Monday. Finally this sucker is coming out. I wonder if it has been the cause of the years of abdominal pain I've had. If it all goes away, that'll be amazing. If not, turns out Accutane did fuck up my body.
I also got my first credit card bill back. Holy shit, I spent money so fast. :(
Now that I have been reading more about the Keirsey personality profiles, the ENFJ profile has been helping me understand how I see myself in a relationship. It brings more clarity to read that I'm not insane for putting other's needs before mine (not trying to be self righteous here, I literally will put any of my friend's needs before mine especially a s.o. ) and that it is part of my temperament to be a people pleaser. It also helps me realize that I need to start paying attention to myself more often and remember that I have needs too. Haha.
That's what makes people love each other in the first place, I think. They see you and all the things that make you, you. What food you like, how you react in situations, how your personality compliments theirs, common interests. If I forget what makes me how I am, then what could I possibly offer in a positive way to a relationship? You don't want to become the same person as who you're with; it's that combination of similarities and differences that brought you two together.
That was a point that was made when I had a heart to heart with the bf over the weekend. He wants me to voice my opinions more and what I want. It wasn't that easy though; I got to a place emotionally where I felt too scared to even say that I wanted to see him, because I thought he would just say no. I didn't want to smother him, or be on this higher level of love and commitment than him. And once we both got out in the air what our current anxieties of the relationship were, I know that I felt just a huge breath of relief and I could tell he did too.
One thing I felt so bad about about was I accidentally let it slip out that I had made reservations to take him to dinner and everything which I didn't ever plan on telling him. Yeah, I was upset that he didn't want to see me but I just wanted him to have a good birthday and it be on his terms whatever he wanted to do. After my dance performance he was weird and funky and I immediately thought, oh shit please not again we were starting to do so well and now he's back to being weird and depressed and not feeling it. Him feeling bad about "ruining" my birthday plans for him opened up all these repressed anxieties we were both having about the relationship and it was such a relief. I even had the courage to tell him that I thought he wasn't in love with me anymore and it sucked to hear myself say it out loud, but I wanted him to know how I felt.
Basically, by the end of our hour and 45 minute conversation in my car, we decided to say goodbye and we didn't want to leave each other. It was like old times. He even said he would miss me. I hadn't heard that in a long time. Ever since then, we have been back to our old selves, sending stupid photos and updating throughout the day. I am not holding back with asking to hang out, and it is so refreshing. It's nice to feel wanted again and loved. While it's not 100% back to where it was, it is pretty damn close. Like a world's difference from even two weeks ago. I can't believe I have the old boyfriend back. He even changed his plans to be able to see me on the 4th of July which was shocking, I even told him to not worry about changing his camping trip but he did anyway. He is also going to Hawaii too to visit me, and I am so so excited.
On a separate note, I have my surgery scheduled for a week from Monday. Finally this sucker is coming out. I wonder if it has been the cause of the years of abdominal pain I've had. If it all goes away, that'll be amazing. If not, turns out Accutane did fuck up my body.
I also got my first credit card bill back. Holy shit, I spent money so fast. :(
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Three Days or Eternity
Last night after ballroom class, David and I hung out and he let me drive his new 350Z. I was surprised that I still somehow remember how to drive stick shift. It was exhilarating, even if I was only going 7mph in the parking lot. I sweat up a fucking storm too at the class. My friends thought I was joking when I said that you will leave dripping in sweat; we ALL were. Then the teacher said she was going to pick a winner for the best samba, and couldn't choose a winner so she chose three - I was one of them! It was such a confidence booster. Also, it helped that when this other woman Caroline was asked to demonstrate, my friend was like "Just so you know you look 7x sexier when you do that". I laughed out loud like during this woman's demonstration; felt so bad. It's weird how like some of my guy friends say the most forward things, but I know it doesn't mean anything. And then I have some guy friends that could literally just brush my shoulder differently and a radar goes off. Isn't that strange how intuition works? For the most part, mine has been pretty spot on.
Saturday night my friends took me out for my birthday, and I got drunk before I even left the house. We were all taking shots (I took 5, bad choice) and ended up so drunk and didn't order one drink once we were out. I had a blast, and then afterwards I had the bf come pick us up, I just didn't feel right. Two people who I was supposed to trust were being super handsy with me, and it didn't even piss me off - it actually hurt my feelings. These are my close guy friends, and they're supposed to be people that I trust and also respect me. That night I felt like they didn't have respect for me, or for my relationship OR for that matter, my boyfriend. This is someone that they have hung out with before. Anyway, the whole situation just angers me.
I sit here on I think what is day 3 now of not speaking to the bf. We decided this. I need to keep reminding myself that I am the one that initially brought this up. I wanted the space, for him. I knew he would benefit from it. I'm just so fucking scared that at the end of this week I will lose it all.
I made him a fucking adorable birthday card today. I have had this idea stuck in my head for MONTHS and I finally made it today. I decided that even if he doesn't want to be with me, I still want him to have the card and the birthday gift from me. The card has some mush in it, but it is pretty funny and I know he would like it regardless. Just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I will stop caring about him or not want him to have a good birthday. I know he will just love his gift too. This is not me getting carried away; I have already thought of the best possible outcome of the week and the worst, and I am of course preparing myself for the worst more. Out of fear. Since I am such a chicken with my feelings.
I miss him so much. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I see this in two different ways. Either the absence makes you miss each other more, or you get used to that void and you're like ok, I could do this. This is not bad. I hope it isn't the latter for him. I feel so preachy and whiny talking about this. I can't help it though.
I planned a birthday gathering for myself and I don't even feel like having it. I don't feel like entertaining. I might just cancel it.
Well, back to Mad Men. Maybe I can finish the entire season tonight. I have finished 4 seasons in 1 week and a half. That is called a problem.
Saturday night my friends took me out for my birthday, and I got drunk before I even left the house. We were all taking shots (I took 5, bad choice) and ended up so drunk and didn't order one drink once we were out. I had a blast, and then afterwards I had the bf come pick us up, I just didn't feel right. Two people who I was supposed to trust were being super handsy with me, and it didn't even piss me off - it actually hurt my feelings. These are my close guy friends, and they're supposed to be people that I trust and also respect me. That night I felt like they didn't have respect for me, or for my relationship OR for that matter, my boyfriend. This is someone that they have hung out with before. Anyway, the whole situation just angers me.
I sit here on I think what is day 3 now of not speaking to the bf. We decided this. I need to keep reminding myself that I am the one that initially brought this up. I wanted the space, for him. I knew he would benefit from it. I'm just so fucking scared that at the end of this week I will lose it all.
I made him a fucking adorable birthday card today. I have had this idea stuck in my head for MONTHS and I finally made it today. I decided that even if he doesn't want to be with me, I still want him to have the card and the birthday gift from me. The card has some mush in it, but it is pretty funny and I know he would like it regardless. Just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I will stop caring about him or not want him to have a good birthday. I know he will just love his gift too. This is not me getting carried away; I have already thought of the best possible outcome of the week and the worst, and I am of course preparing myself for the worst more. Out of fear. Since I am such a chicken with my feelings.
I miss him so much. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I see this in two different ways. Either the absence makes you miss each other more, or you get used to that void and you're like ok, I could do this. This is not bad. I hope it isn't the latter for him. I feel so preachy and whiny talking about this. I can't help it though.
I planned a birthday gathering for myself and I don't even feel like having it. I don't feel like entertaining. I might just cancel it.
Well, back to Mad Men. Maybe I can finish the entire season tonight. I have finished 4 seasons in 1 week and a half. That is called a problem.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Space
The space never scared me. I am the one that suggested space, weeks ago. But he is right; we haven't really honored that at all because we keep dancing together, being in social situations together, when we aren't ready to be back to start being a couple again. I keep saying we, I'm ready. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and I have been. So I guess I should be saying "him". He is not ready, and needs to decompress from it all. That is completely fine.
What scares me is I feel like I am always one step ahead in this. I knew I loved him before he loved me, I see things between us before he does, and then I call it out and want to talk about it. I have been so willing and so ready to make it work and tried everything to make it better. Again I feel like I've said this before, but it's not like he treats me badly. There's just nothing at all. I'm not special anymore. I don't feel loved.
What scares me is that after this "space" of a week, what if it isn't all better? He's just going to give up and call it quits? I don't need a time stamp; we made one just because we decided on that but what if it takes him longer than a week and he doesn't know that? And then he just drops me. And ends it. It will break me. That is what scares me. I am afraid to be a hopeless romantic and believe that at the end of this week, on my birthday, that he will decide to drive to Prescott and surprise me and say, "Let's make this work." Best case scenario that would be the best birthday present. I don't even want something tangible. I just want a commitment that we are going to try and be better partners in this relationship. What if this week doesn't give him enough time to process all that and give it another chance? I know that I can be a better girlfriend to him. Before, I didn't accept that I couldn't be a fixer and not know everything. It was foreign to me and so unlike any situation I've been a part of. But I realize now that I can't control everything; and if he just communicates to me that he needs space to himself I am okay with that. These times when he needs space and it has nothing to do with me, I am okay with giving him space just as long as he lets me know it isn't anything about me. Just simple communication.
It's strange, I think communication is our strength and our weakness. I've never been able to open up and talk to him and just resolve issues about my life and everything with anyone else like him. When he is in boyfriend mode, he is close to perfect.
I'm just afraid. I am so afraid he doesn't see what we have, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to. I want to be positive and just trust it and think, yes... he will remember what we had and then want to come back. But what if I get all my hopes up this week, just for him to crush me at the end of the week, on or after or before my birthday?
Please god or whoever is up there. Give me strength to accept whatever he decides. Even after writing that, it sounds like such a surrender. I am not ready to give up yet. That is the problem. I want to do what he wants, and I can't force him to be with me. That's just what is breaking me most, is the thought that at the end of this week he might think it's not worth it. Even throughout all of this, all the anxiety and sadness has been in hopes that we will work it out. Please god help him remember the good that comes from us being together. He has made me the happiest anyone ever has, in every way. Help him remember that I can make him happy again too if he lets me back in.
What scares me is I feel like I am always one step ahead in this. I knew I loved him before he loved me, I see things between us before he does, and then I call it out and want to talk about it. I have been so willing and so ready to make it work and tried everything to make it better. Again I feel like I've said this before, but it's not like he treats me badly. There's just nothing at all. I'm not special anymore. I don't feel loved.
What scares me is that after this "space" of a week, what if it isn't all better? He's just going to give up and call it quits? I don't need a time stamp; we made one just because we decided on that but what if it takes him longer than a week and he doesn't know that? And then he just drops me. And ends it. It will break me. That is what scares me. I am afraid to be a hopeless romantic and believe that at the end of this week, on my birthday, that he will decide to drive to Prescott and surprise me and say, "Let's make this work." Best case scenario that would be the best birthday present. I don't even want something tangible. I just want a commitment that we are going to try and be better partners in this relationship. What if this week doesn't give him enough time to process all that and give it another chance? I know that I can be a better girlfriend to him. Before, I didn't accept that I couldn't be a fixer and not know everything. It was foreign to me and so unlike any situation I've been a part of. But I realize now that I can't control everything; and if he just communicates to me that he needs space to himself I am okay with that. These times when he needs space and it has nothing to do with me, I am okay with giving him space just as long as he lets me know it isn't anything about me. Just simple communication.
It's strange, I think communication is our strength and our weakness. I've never been able to open up and talk to him and just resolve issues about my life and everything with anyone else like him. When he is in boyfriend mode, he is close to perfect.
I'm just afraid. I am so afraid he doesn't see what we have, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to. I want to be positive and just trust it and think, yes... he will remember what we had and then want to come back. But what if I get all my hopes up this week, just for him to crush me at the end of the week, on or after or before my birthday?
Please god or whoever is up there. Give me strength to accept whatever he decides. Even after writing that, it sounds like such a surrender. I am not ready to give up yet. That is the problem. I want to do what he wants, and I can't force him to be with me. That's just what is breaking me most, is the thought that at the end of this week he might think it's not worth it. Even throughout all of this, all the anxiety and sadness has been in hopes that we will work it out. Please god help him remember the good that comes from us being together. He has made me the happiest anyone ever has, in every way. Help him remember that I can make him happy again too if he lets me back in.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
ENFJ
I haven't taken a personality thing like this in awhile, and damn it is crazy that this is the first time that I have felt it really pegged my personality closer than other things I've done. I used the link from humanmetrics.com and got the "ENFJ" result. Actually more specifically I got "ESFJ" first, and then at the bottom it said because I scored a low percentage one one of the categories it could mean I am "ENFJ" too. So I read that one, and it fit me so much more.
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From the website:
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From the website:
ESFJ Description
Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes.
All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs, as do most SJs, bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service (which embodies life's meaning) and expect the same from others.
ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.
Strong, contradictory forces consume the ESFJ. Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive. This sometimes results in swift, immediate action taken upon a transgressor, followed by stern reprimand; ultimately, however, the prodigal is wrested from the gallows of their folly, just as the noose tightens and all hope is lost, by the very executioner!
An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.
As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around--germs within, the elements without, unscrupulous malefactors, insidious character flaws. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid; 'hyper-vigilant' would be more precise. And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and elementary education.
(ESFJ stands for Extravert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging and represents individual's preferences in four dimensions characterising personality type, according to Jung's and Briggs Myers' theories of personality type.)
Pathetic
I am trying so fucking hard to separate myself. If tonight is what is "normal" for us now, I don't want it. I don't feel fulfilled in any way, shape or form. The only time I get attention is if he wants to do things with me. That is the only time I feel like he wants to be around me. Today is a time when we are around friends and he was silent. I tried to be normal, and this was not his normal self. Has is normal way changed around me? This isn't the same guy that I fell in love with. This is the guy that causes me anxiety, depression, anger. I even question myself if he is in love with me. He never tells me he loves me; the only times he has was when I've been crying or really upset. Then he becomes boyfriend to the rescue. Other than that, I am afraid to tell him I love him because I am afraid I won't hear it back, and that hurts. No, a fucking heart does not count as a fucking response.
Is our time over? Are we passed the honeymoon stage? I feel like I'm treated like a wife that is busy raising children and like isn't hot or something anymore. I want to feel wanted, and needed, and appreciated. I don't feel that way. He gets mad that I am so insecure about us but can he blame me? The inconsistency is so stressful and like I said, if this is him "normal" with me now, I don't want it. I don't want it at all. It hurts. It hurts feeling like I can't hold his hand. His body feels cold. What is wrong with me? What am I good for to him if this is how he treats me? I don't want to bring up another fight because it'll just make things worse. Every time I bring up something, I'm trying to make it better and I try to be understanding. I suppose I just have to see how long I can stick this out for? I feel like this is going to make me completely numb if I can't voice out anything.
I feel like I am making it worse both ways, by saying something and not saying anything at all. I can't win in this situation. All I'm doing is making him love me less.
I wish in these situations someone could just tell me what to do. I like to think that I wouldn't put up with this shit in any other relationship; but I think I would. Because that's just the type of person I am. I love with my whole heart and put my whole heart into a relationship. So that's what sucks. Is that I am probably going to be walked all over in most of my relationships unless I become a cold hearted bitch and make myself immune to this stuff. I make myself so vulnerable and it isn't fair.
The sensible person inside me is saying, "Jesus Tiffany break up with this guy. He makes you cry a few times a week, literally has no idea; and when you try and care it pushes him away further." But the hopeless romantic in me sees the good in him, and lives for that good. It's like I'm waiting for that next good moment to happen.
My patheticness actually makes me cry more. I sound ridiculous right now.
I just came across this quote "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" - and I used to live by this every day back when my OCD was almost out of control and I let the smallest thought consume me. I would tell myself this all the time and it would work, temporarily.
I should think about this now; but at the same time, doing this is kind of ignorant. So, just don't focus on the negativity so it doesn't consume you? Don't we want to acknowledge the negativity in hopes that it will eventually dissipate? I could ignore the clear space that is between my boyfriend I and focus on the good which on the "good" days is exactly what I try to do. But on these bad days, it's like all those emotions that I have compartmentalized have surfaced because I'm being treated like dirt. And it's crazy - he is never like, vocally bad. People would never look at us and say, "Wow, that is a shitty boyfriend right there." Because it's not what he does, it is what he doesn't do. He doesn't remind me how important I am to him (if really at this point I question my role in his life). He doesn't make me feel included in his plans, and most of the time I feel like an after thought. He doesn't make me feel wanted when we aren't being intimate. I don't feel like a priority to him. I feel like for him at this point his "once a week time" with me has been fulfilled by this birthday dinner. I really do.
All this bitching and whining. You ask why am I not doing something about it? I have tried. I have poured my heart and soul and tears and body into this relationship. All for the better. I have tried and tried and tried. Why can't he let me in. Why am I not good enough.
Is our time over? Are we passed the honeymoon stage? I feel like I'm treated like a wife that is busy raising children and like isn't hot or something anymore. I want to feel wanted, and needed, and appreciated. I don't feel that way. He gets mad that I am so insecure about us but can he blame me? The inconsistency is so stressful and like I said, if this is him "normal" with me now, I don't want it. I don't want it at all. It hurts. It hurts feeling like I can't hold his hand. His body feels cold. What is wrong with me? What am I good for to him if this is how he treats me? I don't want to bring up another fight because it'll just make things worse. Every time I bring up something, I'm trying to make it better and I try to be understanding. I suppose I just have to see how long I can stick this out for? I feel like this is going to make me completely numb if I can't voice out anything.
I feel like I am making it worse both ways, by saying something and not saying anything at all. I can't win in this situation. All I'm doing is making him love me less.
I wish in these situations someone could just tell me what to do. I like to think that I wouldn't put up with this shit in any other relationship; but I think I would. Because that's just the type of person I am. I love with my whole heart and put my whole heart into a relationship. So that's what sucks. Is that I am probably going to be walked all over in most of my relationships unless I become a cold hearted bitch and make myself immune to this stuff. I make myself so vulnerable and it isn't fair.
The sensible person inside me is saying, "Jesus Tiffany break up with this guy. He makes you cry a few times a week, literally has no idea; and when you try and care it pushes him away further." But the hopeless romantic in me sees the good in him, and lives for that good. It's like I'm waiting for that next good moment to happen.
My patheticness actually makes me cry more. I sound ridiculous right now.
I just came across this quote "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" - and I used to live by this every day back when my OCD was almost out of control and I let the smallest thought consume me. I would tell myself this all the time and it would work, temporarily.
I should think about this now; but at the same time, doing this is kind of ignorant. So, just don't focus on the negativity so it doesn't consume you? Don't we want to acknowledge the negativity in hopes that it will eventually dissipate? I could ignore the clear space that is between my boyfriend I and focus on the good which on the "good" days is exactly what I try to do. But on these bad days, it's like all those emotions that I have compartmentalized have surfaced because I'm being treated like dirt. And it's crazy - he is never like, vocally bad. People would never look at us and say, "Wow, that is a shitty boyfriend right there." Because it's not what he does, it is what he doesn't do. He doesn't remind me how important I am to him (if really at this point I question my role in his life). He doesn't make me feel included in his plans, and most of the time I feel like an after thought. He doesn't make me feel wanted when we aren't being intimate. I don't feel like a priority to him. I feel like for him at this point his "once a week time" with me has been fulfilled by this birthday dinner. I really do.
All this bitching and whining. You ask why am I not doing something about it? I have tried. I have poured my heart and soul and tears and body into this relationship. All for the better. I have tried and tried and tried. Why can't he let me in. Why am I not good enough.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Where is the love
I had a pretty shitty day today, not even going to try and sugar coat it. I knew my lesson would be absolutely terrible. Like it was so bad that she asked me how much I practice.
It has taken awhile, but I have finally realized that violin cannot be my career. It has literally sucked the passion out of it, trying to perfect it for these past five years now as a music major. Music used to be an outlet for me, and now it has become something that I need to create an outlet to get away from. That outlet has become ballroom dancing for me. I love it so much. It is so different dancing with a person though. It's harder. When you dance in a dance class or in the studio setting, it's totally different because if you move a certain way, it is just you that you're worrying about. In ballroom, you have two bodies that are trying to accomplish one sequence. It's so challenging but once you find the right partner it makes it so much easier to become better. Especially if you're comfortable with the person. :-) It's amazing how much more I can do with Gabi than I could with my last partner, and one of the main reasons being comfortability. I wasn't ever comfortable even just conversing with my last partner, because he was either patronizing me or making passes at me. It was just... ugh. No.
Having that pro dancer tell me to continue dancing still resonates in my head. It makes me wonder though; what if I do decide to go the pro route with ballroom? Will it be like music? That's what I did with violin. I worked so hard all my life to get to a point, grew this huge passion for performing/playing, and then people encouraged me to continue professionally. And now look at me. I never really want to practice, I don't fit in with the people at the music school, I am always so relieved after Wednesday (the day of my lessons), and I let out breaths of relief when orchestra gets out. I go to dance to improve, and really enjoy every minute of it - even those moments of frustration when I am trying to work out a movement with my partner. If I work at getting really good and ultimately having a goal of going pro, will that suck the life out of it? Will I lose my passion for dancing? That is a thought that scares me.
I think about when I absolutely loved playing violin, and wanted to play for anyone. People used to tell me when I played that music made them feel something. I used to make people cry from listening to me play. (in a good way).
I feel so conflicted. It's just that competitor in me wants to perfect everything I do. But I think I'm starting to realize that is always the best thing.
It has taken awhile, but I have finally realized that violin cannot be my career. It has literally sucked the passion out of it, trying to perfect it for these past five years now as a music major. Music used to be an outlet for me, and now it has become something that I need to create an outlet to get away from. That outlet has become ballroom dancing for me. I love it so much. It is so different dancing with a person though. It's harder. When you dance in a dance class or in the studio setting, it's totally different because if you move a certain way, it is just you that you're worrying about. In ballroom, you have two bodies that are trying to accomplish one sequence. It's so challenging but once you find the right partner it makes it so much easier to become better. Especially if you're comfortable with the person. :-) It's amazing how much more I can do with Gabi than I could with my last partner, and one of the main reasons being comfortability. I wasn't ever comfortable even just conversing with my last partner, because he was either patronizing me or making passes at me. It was just... ugh. No.
Having that pro dancer tell me to continue dancing still resonates in my head. It makes me wonder though; what if I do decide to go the pro route with ballroom? Will it be like music? That's what I did with violin. I worked so hard all my life to get to a point, grew this huge passion for performing/playing, and then people encouraged me to continue professionally. And now look at me. I never really want to practice, I don't fit in with the people at the music school, I am always so relieved after Wednesday (the day of my lessons), and I let out breaths of relief when orchestra gets out. I go to dance to improve, and really enjoy every minute of it - even those moments of frustration when I am trying to work out a movement with my partner. If I work at getting really good and ultimately having a goal of going pro, will that suck the life out of it? Will I lose my passion for dancing? That is a thought that scares me.
I think about when I absolutely loved playing violin, and wanted to play for anyone. People used to tell me when I played that music made them feel something. I used to make people cry from listening to me play. (in a good way).
I feel so conflicted. It's just that competitor in me wants to perfect everything I do. But I think I'm starting to realize that is always the best thing.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
God so much negativity
Also....I hate that I tend to just blog when I am feeling upset. I know it is really the biggest outlet of relief for me besides music, but god why does everything on here have to be so whiny and complainy all the time.
On a happier note, I think my spark for violin is coming back.
And today a pro-level dancer told me to keep dancing, and he could see me going pro-smooth. Like wow. That was absolutely amazing to hear. It felt really nice for someone completely unbiased to just come up to me and tell me that, genuine with no ulterior motive. There is someone that believes I can do dance. Someone that doesn't know anything about me; they just see my passion for it on the floor and can recognize that it definitely is rough but it can grow to something pretty big.
That was just a cherry on top of my sundae (Sunday heh) for me today.
Today was also the beginner's comp for my dancesport team at school and I got my experience at judging. It was so much fun. This girl that was in my level 1 class a few years back who resurfaced told me today that in the bathroom during comp that she heard girls in the bathroom talking about me, in a good way. These compliments really couldn't have come at a better time. I am glad my hard work is paying off. And I am so thankful to have Gabi as my dance partner. He puts up with so much.
After the comp I hung out with some of the dds boys and it was like, gosh. such a good time. There are some crowds where I just feel like the fucking funniest person on the planet. And I love those crowds... they are confidence boosters haha.
On a happier note, I think my spark for violin is coming back.
And today a pro-level dancer told me to keep dancing, and he could see me going pro-smooth. Like wow. That was absolutely amazing to hear. It felt really nice for someone completely unbiased to just come up to me and tell me that, genuine with no ulterior motive. There is someone that believes I can do dance. Someone that doesn't know anything about me; they just see my passion for it on the floor and can recognize that it definitely is rough but it can grow to something pretty big.
That was just a cherry on top of my sundae (Sunday heh) for me today.
Today was also the beginner's comp for my dancesport team at school and I got my experience at judging. It was so much fun. This girl that was in my level 1 class a few years back who resurfaced told me today that in the bathroom during comp that she heard girls in the bathroom talking about me, in a good way. These compliments really couldn't have come at a better time. I am glad my hard work is paying off. And I am so thankful to have Gabi as my dance partner. He puts up with so much.
After the comp I hung out with some of the dds boys and it was like, gosh. such a good time. There are some crowds where I just feel like the fucking funniest person on the planet. And I love those crowds... they are confidence boosters haha.
Everything I've Wanted
I'd like to start off my post today by saying that it is amazing the impact another person has on you. Especially if the person means a lot to you. For instance; whenever my mom was upset when I was growing up, it was like everyone else became upset. Your mood rubs off on the people around you, especially if they're very in tune to the way you are/act.
I find myself thinking about my boyfriend, and how literally crazy in love I am with him. I would do anything for him. He thinks it is weird that I always agree with what he wants (which honestly isn't true)- but I am more inclined to say yes to him than anyone else. I don't really get a lot of bf time with him, so if he asks me to do pretty much anything that involves us being together, I usually jump at the opportunity. It's just how I am. And even the act of me having this blog, for what. 6 years now? It is usually centered around my relationships. Even the "smaller" or less serious ones. I think to a year ago around this time, I was blogging like crazy about a guy that I wanted to be in love with so badly. I wanted to love him, because he poured his heart and soul to me. He had this beautiful English accent and a kind heart. He made me feel protected, and wanted. He was so into me, and wanted it to work so badly. I remember the night he told me he was in love with me. It was the night before he was going to leave for England. I remember freaking out in my head saying, "OH MY GOD, PLEASE don't say you're in love with me please please". And he did. It felt so flattering. I said it back, because I knew that maybe one day I could love him the way he feels about me. Because the person that lit a fire in me I didn't know I had, had no interest in me at all.
He wanted me to move to Europe eventually - permanently. Move my whole life there. All on this notion that he was never going to find another girl like me. If I was so special, why couldn't I get the person I truly had feelings for to notice me? I was there, for months before anything happened. Gabi stole my heart in a way no one ever has. He has captivated me with literally every fiber of my being. I haven't been with him nearly a 1/4 of the time that I was with Tyler; but it is just amazing how this guy has changed my life. He not only makes me want to be a better person, but he makes me want to give myself to him, unconditionally. Something that I have never done. So is this why I find myself talking to myself more than I used to, and crying a lot more? Because there is more risk? It's like I have to talk myself through things a lot to make sure it sounds logical or legitimate before telling him. How is it possible to feel like the absolute luckiest girl all the time, but then at the same time feel so scared and anxious? I want everything with him to be perfect because he is perfect for me. He is everything I have ever wanted. It sucks that I am his first real real relationship, because I don't think he really has anything to compare this to. Or maybe we just haven't talked about it. I have gone through my share of frogs oh fuck have I. And it's like, I realize how real this is with him, and I don't want to fuck it up in the slightest. I want it to last, and will do whatever it takes to grow this relationship.
It hurts so bad sometimes. He didn't even seem excited about the thought of going to see me in Hawaii this summer. He is really the only person I would want to come visit me. I have friends that have mentioned in passing that they want to visit me; however he is the person I want to share that experience with. I want to take him to the volcanoes, Hapuna, the Kona strip - Waipi'io Valley. All of it. I want to explore things with him, everything really. And I can't help but feel sometimes like there is an expiration date on this for him. If that is the case, I would rather it just end now. I don't want to keep emotionally investing myself if I feel like every time he feels himself getting close that he is going to pull away so it hurts less when it ends.. That isn't fair to me. And it really scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine my life without him anymore. I am not saying I am looking to get married right now. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I haven't thought about a future with him. That's kind of the only future I want. It is so amazing how sure you can be of something, and be completely in the dark about something else.
When you love someone, you want to scream it off rooftops and just tell them all the time. I could tell him every day and it wouldn't be enough. He's told me three times he loves me; two of those times I was crying. I guess you could say I am feeling a lack of emotional stimulation.
I have all the patience in the world with him. I ask myself all the time why I am putting up with a lot of this, because I know I would never with anyone else. It's because it is him. Anything is worth it if it is for him. I just want that in return.
I find myself thinking about my boyfriend, and how literally crazy in love I am with him. I would do anything for him. He thinks it is weird that I always agree with what he wants (which honestly isn't true)- but I am more inclined to say yes to him than anyone else. I don't really get a lot of bf time with him, so if he asks me to do pretty much anything that involves us being together, I usually jump at the opportunity. It's just how I am. And even the act of me having this blog, for what. 6 years now? It is usually centered around my relationships. Even the "smaller" or less serious ones. I think to a year ago around this time, I was blogging like crazy about a guy that I wanted to be in love with so badly. I wanted to love him, because he poured his heart and soul to me. He had this beautiful English accent and a kind heart. He made me feel protected, and wanted. He was so into me, and wanted it to work so badly. I remember the night he told me he was in love with me. It was the night before he was going to leave for England. I remember freaking out in my head saying, "OH MY GOD, PLEASE don't say you're in love with me please please". And he did. It felt so flattering. I said it back, because I knew that maybe one day I could love him the way he feels about me. Because the person that lit a fire in me I didn't know I had, had no interest in me at all.
He wanted me to move to Europe eventually - permanently. Move my whole life there. All on this notion that he was never going to find another girl like me. If I was so special, why couldn't I get the person I truly had feelings for to notice me? I was there, for months before anything happened. Gabi stole my heart in a way no one ever has. He has captivated me with literally every fiber of my being. I haven't been with him nearly a 1/4 of the time that I was with Tyler; but it is just amazing how this guy has changed my life. He not only makes me want to be a better person, but he makes me want to give myself to him, unconditionally. Something that I have never done. So is this why I find myself talking to myself more than I used to, and crying a lot more? Because there is more risk? It's like I have to talk myself through things a lot to make sure it sounds logical or legitimate before telling him. How is it possible to feel like the absolute luckiest girl all the time, but then at the same time feel so scared and anxious? I want everything with him to be perfect because he is perfect for me. He is everything I have ever wanted. It sucks that I am his first real real relationship, because I don't think he really has anything to compare this to. Or maybe we just haven't talked about it. I have gone through my share of frogs oh fuck have I. And it's like, I realize how real this is with him, and I don't want to fuck it up in the slightest. I want it to last, and will do whatever it takes to grow this relationship.
It hurts so bad sometimes. He didn't even seem excited about the thought of going to see me in Hawaii this summer. He is really the only person I would want to come visit me. I have friends that have mentioned in passing that they want to visit me; however he is the person I want to share that experience with. I want to take him to the volcanoes, Hapuna, the Kona strip - Waipi'io Valley. All of it. I want to explore things with him, everything really. And I can't help but feel sometimes like there is an expiration date on this for him. If that is the case, I would rather it just end now. I don't want to keep emotionally investing myself if I feel like every time he feels himself getting close that he is going to pull away so it hurts less when it ends.. That isn't fair to me. And it really scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine my life without him anymore. I am not saying I am looking to get married right now. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I haven't thought about a future with him. That's kind of the only future I want. It is so amazing how sure you can be of something, and be completely in the dark about something else.
When you love someone, you want to scream it off rooftops and just tell them all the time. I could tell him every day and it wouldn't be enough. He's told me three times he loves me; two of those times I was crying. I guess you could say I am feeling a lack of emotional stimulation.
I have all the patience in the world with him. I ask myself all the time why I am putting up with a lot of this, because I know I would never with anyone else. It's because it is him. Anything is worth it if it is for him. I just want that in return.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
New Love
I just got done hanging out with one of my closest friends and her new boyfriend, we'll call him Rick. My god they are just the cutest couple. I actually got goosebumps watching them two together. It really just sits so well with me. It is such an amazing thing to witness when you see two people on the same close level. I can't really describe it other than it just being this exchange that really is so simple yet this phenomenon you can't stop looking or watching - you just wanna take it in as much as you can. It is better than any romance movie you'll ever watch. Seeing two people connect on that level in such a simple way makes my heart happy. It could be a casual embrace, or exchanged glances. It is so ordinary, but to those two people they are just on their own wavelength and don't even notice the intimacy there is.
All of this is so comforting to see, that maybe one day I can have that. It's frustrating to love a person so much, and not be able to get to that point yet, not even after however many months. I wish I could just take the guard down and be more like a couple. Our relationship goes in waves. Sometimes, I feel like I am floating on Cloud 9. I feel like I never want to be loved by anyone else for as long as I live, other than him (this part of the wave never changes for me). I feel like spending every second with him because when I am next to him, my mind settles and my heart feels at ease. My anxious demeanor begins to fade, and I start to focus on the rooted connection we have built within these months. I get to a point to where I want to start taking my guard down, but then it's like he feels it too and then emotionally closes up. It's difficult because there are so many things I want to tell him. I wish I could tell him how in love I am, and that he really makes me the happiest I have ever been in my life, as cliche as that sounds. It is so true. He's not my first, but the way I love him is so real and so genuine. I don't have this need to make it work because he's a"first love" or because he's all I've ever known and that's what I'm settling for. I have gone through some frogs let me tell you. He in his own way he is still kind of a frog. But it is one frog I think is worth seeing things through with and growing with emotionally, intellectually and just as a couple. I want be able to feel comfortable saying "I love you".
So many things that happen between us make me believe that he does feel it too... that he does feel the same way towards me. But it's like there is that part of uncertainty that is why I get so worried about this all in the first place. That maybe he is never going to fully let his guard down because he's afraid of getting too close to me. The little shiksa that I am. I want to give myself completely to him, and I want reciprocity. That's really what it comes down to... wanting the feeling I am putting out there to be returned. There is no greater feeling than that, and there isn't a greater feeling than that to witness between two other people. Everything about love seems so carefree, yet so complicated at the same time. Which I guess is why it makes it pretty beautiful.
I heard this great quote the other day, about being scared with the whole love thing. And it made smile.
"If it is both terrifying and amazing, then you should pursue it." - Erada
It really just resonates so much in my life. There are times like these when I am so scared of being hurt, that he is just going to break my heart. But then I tell myself one little sentence and it works. He is worth it. I hope someday he realizes that he can use that courage that is in there somewhere to see that yes, this is honestly fucking terrifying. But it is amazing too. And it will be so much more if you let it. I want him to let me in so badly.
We get each other so easily and have this great chemistry. So I know it's there. I just believe that it is completely impossible for feelings this strong to develop for another person when there isn't those feelings being verbally or non-verbally communicated back. It's just impossible. So that's why I know it is in there somewhere, because these feelings I have, haven't just manifested themselves. They've been building from what I have been shown. Mine are just progressing probably quicker and stronger.
I feel loved. I do, most of the time. Truly. It's just nice to hear that you're loved too. When you know, you know. I've known for a long time; it is actually verging on creepy how long I have known.
Hats off to my dear friend and "Rick". They make such a heartwarming pair. I love being around them and it gives me hope that someday I will feel the mutually uninhibited love they do.
All of this is so comforting to see, that maybe one day I can have that. It's frustrating to love a person so much, and not be able to get to that point yet, not even after however many months. I wish I could just take the guard down and be more like a couple. Our relationship goes in waves. Sometimes, I feel like I am floating on Cloud 9. I feel like I never want to be loved by anyone else for as long as I live, other than him (this part of the wave never changes for me). I feel like spending every second with him because when I am next to him, my mind settles and my heart feels at ease. My anxious demeanor begins to fade, and I start to focus on the rooted connection we have built within these months. I get to a point to where I want to start taking my guard down, but then it's like he feels it too and then emotionally closes up. It's difficult because there are so many things I want to tell him. I wish I could tell him how in love I am, and that he really makes me the happiest I have ever been in my life, as cliche as that sounds. It is so true. He's not my first, but the way I love him is so real and so genuine. I don't have this need to make it work because he's a"first love" or because he's all I've ever known and that's what I'm settling for. I have gone through some frogs let me tell you. He in his own way he is still kind of a frog. But it is one frog I think is worth seeing things through with and growing with emotionally, intellectually and just as a couple. I want be able to feel comfortable saying "I love you".
So many things that happen between us make me believe that he does feel it too... that he does feel the same way towards me. But it's like there is that part of uncertainty that is why I get so worried about this all in the first place. That maybe he is never going to fully let his guard down because he's afraid of getting too close to me. The little shiksa that I am. I want to give myself completely to him, and I want reciprocity. That's really what it comes down to... wanting the feeling I am putting out there to be returned. There is no greater feeling than that, and there isn't a greater feeling than that to witness between two other people. Everything about love seems so carefree, yet so complicated at the same time. Which I guess is why it makes it pretty beautiful.
I heard this great quote the other day, about being scared with the whole love thing. And it made smile.
"If it is both terrifying and amazing, then you should pursue it." - Erada
It really just resonates so much in my life. There are times like these when I am so scared of being hurt, that he is just going to break my heart. But then I tell myself one little sentence and it works. He is worth it. I hope someday he realizes that he can use that courage that is in there somewhere to see that yes, this is honestly fucking terrifying. But it is amazing too. And it will be so much more if you let it. I want him to let me in so badly.
We get each other so easily and have this great chemistry. So I know it's there. I just believe that it is completely impossible for feelings this strong to develop for another person when there isn't those feelings being verbally or non-verbally communicated back. It's just impossible. So that's why I know it is in there somewhere, because these feelings I have, haven't just manifested themselves. They've been building from what I have been shown. Mine are just progressing probably quicker and stronger.
I feel loved. I do, most of the time. Truly. It's just nice to hear that you're loved too. When you know, you know. I've known for a long time; it is actually verging on creepy how long I have known.
Hats off to my dear friend and "Rick". They make such a heartwarming pair. I love being around them and it gives me hope that someday I will feel the mutually uninhibited love they do.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Lack of Creativity
I sometimes wonder if I have completely lost my ability to have an imagination. My mind has been under so much stress the past couple months, I don't really remember the last time I dreamed. I used to blog my dreams, in really vivid detail. I used to lucid dream, and that doesn't happen either anymore.
You would think being in love would help a mind be a little freer, more creative if you will. I feel like I kept dreaming these unrealistic things, pre-relationship. It's almost like my reality is better than my dreams now. Fancy that.
You would think being in love would help a mind be a little freer, more creative if you will. I feel like I kept dreaming these unrealistic things, pre-relationship. It's almost like my reality is better than my dreams now. Fancy that.
Friday, January 23, 2015
When Pigs Fly
By golly, I find myself here on this blog over two years later. Okay so I kindof forgot my password and my accounts never linked, and it was just a mess. I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner (oh wow. Yeah this is gonna take awhile to update on everything) and his friend visiting from camp brought up that she wants to start a blog. And then I remembered that I have had this little treasure since 2009. And then deserted it for a few years haha. It's just because I had so many memories tied to it. I have been writing still; just not posting it anywhere. I've been keeping it in a file on my computer, titled "Thoughts". I know, real original. lol.
Well I'm just going to dive right in.
I ended an over four year relationship, and I graduated college. Dance changed my life. Ballroom dance has changed my life. Teaching, violin, dancing.... my hobbies are still the same. I just go about them differently.
I am a teacher now! Like, I have my own classes. I have a job. It's so surreal sometimes when I sit back and think about it. I usually am called "Morah Tiffany" or "Morah [my last name]" - and it's just the cutest thing. Especially coming from a 5 year old.
I went to Europe every summer - went back to InterHarmony, and had some pretty ridiculous memories in Prague beforehand with my friend Clarice. We cringe when we think of it, but laugh too. We were both going through.... transition periods. I decided to start my master's right away, because I know once I get that taste of freedom, I probably won't go back.
My sister moved to New York, my brother just moved to Scottsdale. I have my own apartment, no roommates anymore. Why am I writing this all out? I feel like I should just pick up right where I am now, no need to explain - I am the only one that is reading this (even though the audience used to be public). There's something cool about knowing you can write whatever, it's public, and no one sees it anyway. That changed after a little bit, so I don't know if that will happen to this one. Especially since it has not been updated in a few years. haha.
Anyway, events tonight made me want to resurrect this blog again.
I never thought I would be able to open up again, and I am finally getting to that point again. My family would always joke that with my fascination with Judaism, that they wouldn't be surprised if I end up with a Jewish guy - and I found myself a nice Jewish boy! Haha. Not to make it sound like, so sealed and everything. But it really is just so weird how things work out. I met him four years ago, the first weekend I was at ASU and then never saw him again. I even remember telling Eydn about him, saying "AH gosh I briefly met this cute Jewish boy (even back then I have always had a pretty good Jewdar) and it's too bad I've found the one (speaking about bf at the time)." It's just so so weird. Then, four years later, I am going to my ballroom class and who comes walking through that door? My now boyfriend.
It took months for us to get to the relationship point, I even tried distracting myself with other people, thinking that if it isn't happening now it ain't gonna happen ever. I even started seeing this other guy, and when he confessed his love to me I flew out to Europe to see him. Lol. Wow. It sounds so spontaneous, and that is so not me. So it's about 6 days before I'm leaving to Europe, and boyfriend decides to finally make a move. I couldn't believe it. I was just ecstatic, but pissed at the same time. WHAT changed?!? Why now?? I still ask myself these questions. I wonder what changed, what suddenly made me desirable enough to date and be in a relationship with.
He is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. He makes me laugh like no one else can. When he wants to be, he is so thoughtful and there are those moments where I think we feel the same about each other. Love is a scary thing, and it makes you do things you wouldn't do before. I'm still getting used to being happy again. Even though we don't ever say it, I feel really loved around him. And I am so sure that I am in love with him too. It scares me, and even though I haven't made myself completely vulnerable, when you know - you just know. I know he needs time and ..well. Whatever he needs I seem to just be along for whatever it is, because I want to make it work. But I am just happy to be feeling like this again. It feels right.
And my next post will just sound contradicting to all of this haha.
Well I'm just going to dive right in.
I ended an over four year relationship, and I graduated college. Dance changed my life. Ballroom dance has changed my life. Teaching, violin, dancing.... my hobbies are still the same. I just go about them differently.
I am a teacher now! Like, I have my own classes. I have a job. It's so surreal sometimes when I sit back and think about it. I usually am called "Morah Tiffany" or "Morah [my last name]" - and it's just the cutest thing. Especially coming from a 5 year old.
I went to Europe every summer - went back to InterHarmony, and had some pretty ridiculous memories in Prague beforehand with my friend Clarice. We cringe when we think of it, but laugh too. We were both going through.... transition periods. I decided to start my master's right away, because I know once I get that taste of freedom, I probably won't go back.
My sister moved to New York, my brother just moved to Scottsdale. I have my own apartment, no roommates anymore. Why am I writing this all out? I feel like I should just pick up right where I am now, no need to explain - I am the only one that is reading this (even though the audience used to be public). There's something cool about knowing you can write whatever, it's public, and no one sees it anyway. That changed after a little bit, so I don't know if that will happen to this one. Especially since it has not been updated in a few years. haha.
Anyway, events tonight made me want to resurrect this blog again.
I never thought I would be able to open up again, and I am finally getting to that point again. My family would always joke that with my fascination with Judaism, that they wouldn't be surprised if I end up with a Jewish guy - and I found myself a nice Jewish boy! Haha. Not to make it sound like, so sealed and everything. But it really is just so weird how things work out. I met him four years ago, the first weekend I was at ASU and then never saw him again. I even remember telling Eydn about him, saying "AH gosh I briefly met this cute Jewish boy (even back then I have always had a pretty good Jewdar) and it's too bad I've found the one (speaking about bf at the time)." It's just so so weird. Then, four years later, I am going to my ballroom class and who comes walking through that door? My now boyfriend.
It took months for us to get to the relationship point, I even tried distracting myself with other people, thinking that if it isn't happening now it ain't gonna happen ever. I even started seeing this other guy, and when he confessed his love to me I flew out to Europe to see him. Lol. Wow. It sounds so spontaneous, and that is so not me. So it's about 6 days before I'm leaving to Europe, and boyfriend decides to finally make a move. I couldn't believe it. I was just ecstatic, but pissed at the same time. WHAT changed?!? Why now?? I still ask myself these questions. I wonder what changed, what suddenly made me desirable enough to date and be in a relationship with.
He is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. He makes me laugh like no one else can. When he wants to be, he is so thoughtful and there are those moments where I think we feel the same about each other. Love is a scary thing, and it makes you do things you wouldn't do before. I'm still getting used to being happy again. Even though we don't ever say it, I feel really loved around him. And I am so sure that I am in love with him too. It scares me, and even though I haven't made myself completely vulnerable, when you know - you just know. I know he needs time and ..well. Whatever he needs I seem to just be along for whatever it is, because I want to make it work. But I am just happy to be feeling like this again. It feels right.
And my next post will just sound contradicting to all of this haha.
Wedding Weekend
This past weekend, I watched one of my brother's friends that I've known since I was in elementary school, get married!
I was actually pretty good at stifling my tears throughout the wedding, because I didn't want my parents to see me cry (It would just be awkward. It's hard to explain, but my family doesn't really show much emotion like that to eachother.)
I had such a great time, and ...learned a few things I guess you could say. Don't take that in a suggestive way or something. I just came across new information.
favorite quote of the night:
"You have the thighs of a thoroughbred." - Kendall (brother's best friend said to me)
I just about died when he said this; I have never been compared to a horse. Oh well, we were all highly intoxicated and I guess it wasn't too bad at the time. Hey, it was an open bar. Now I don't want to make it sound like I'm some sort of alcoholic or anything, because I'm definitely not. Usually when I drink, my parents are with me! Haha.
Anyway, the reception and ceremony was absolutely beautiful; everything from the color scheme which was surprisingly a beautiful choice - Forest Green, Black, and White. I know, if you think about it, sortof weird. BUT, when I saw the invitations and the whole wedding, it looked beautiful! The food was great, too. There was plenty of entertainment, open bar, boat rides along the lake (which would've been romantic if a significant other were there..) - which I stood in line for with some people for a good ten minutes and they shut it down when it was our turn! Anyway, I had a great time. After the wedding, everyone went to Garcia's, and I hung out after that with my brother and his best friend. We were all so intoxicated that we didn't even know how to get back to the hotel room... I think my brother might've been the worst? haha! Maybe it sounds bad that I was in that state with two older guys, but really I don't think I'd feel that safe with anyone else. Jason's my brother, and his best friend is like another.
I was actually pretty good at stifling my tears throughout the wedding, because I didn't want my parents to see me cry (It would just be awkward. It's hard to explain, but my family doesn't really show much emotion like that to eachother.)
I had such a great time, and ...learned a few things I guess you could say. Don't take that in a suggestive way or something. I just came across new information.
favorite quote of the night:
"You have the thighs of a thoroughbred." - Kendall (brother's best friend said to me)
I just about died when he said this; I have never been compared to a horse. Oh well, we were all highly intoxicated and I guess it wasn't too bad at the time. Hey, it was an open bar. Now I don't want to make it sound like I'm some sort of alcoholic or anything, because I'm definitely not. Usually when I drink, my parents are with me! Haha.
Anyway, the reception and ceremony was absolutely beautiful; everything from the color scheme which was surprisingly a beautiful choice - Forest Green, Black, and White. I know, if you think about it, sortof weird. BUT, when I saw the invitations and the whole wedding, it looked beautiful! The food was great, too. There was plenty of entertainment, open bar, boat rides along the lake (which would've been romantic if a significant other were there..) - which I stood in line for with some people for a good ten minutes and they shut it down when it was our turn! Anyway, I had a great time. After the wedding, everyone went to Garcia's, and I hung out after that with my brother and his best friend. We were all so intoxicated that we didn't even know how to get back to the hotel room... I think my brother might've been the worst? haha! Maybe it sounds bad that I was in that state with two older guys, but really I don't think I'd feel that safe with anyone else. Jason's my brother, and his best friend is like another.
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