Last night after ballroom class, David and I hung out and he let me drive his new 350Z. I was surprised that I still somehow remember how to drive stick shift. It was exhilarating, even if I was only going 7mph in the parking lot. I sweat up a fucking storm too at the class. My friends thought I was joking when I said that you will leave dripping in sweat; we ALL were. Then the teacher said she was going to pick a winner for the best samba, and couldn't choose a winner so she chose three - I was one of them! It was such a confidence booster. Also, it helped that when this other woman Caroline was asked to demonstrate, my friend was like "Just so you know you look 7x sexier when you do that". I laughed out loud like during this woman's demonstration; felt so bad. It's weird how like some of my guy friends say the most forward things, but I know it doesn't mean anything. And then I have some guy friends that could literally just brush my shoulder differently and a radar goes off. Isn't that strange how intuition works? For the most part, mine has been pretty spot on.
Saturday night my friends took me out for my birthday, and I got drunk before I even left the house. We were all taking shots (I took 5, bad choice) and ended up so drunk and didn't order one drink once we were out. I had a blast, and then afterwards I had the bf come pick us up, I just didn't feel right. Two people who I was supposed to trust were being super handsy with me, and it didn't even piss me off - it actually hurt my feelings. These are my close guy friends, and they're supposed to be people that I trust and also respect me. That night I felt like they didn't have respect for me, or for my relationship OR for that matter, my boyfriend. This is someone that they have hung out with before. Anyway, the whole situation just angers me.
I sit here on I think what is day 3 now of not speaking to the bf. We decided this. I need to keep reminding myself that I am the one that initially brought this up. I wanted the space, for him. I knew he would benefit from it. I'm just so fucking scared that at the end of this week I will lose it all.
I made him a fucking adorable birthday card today. I have had this idea stuck in my head for MONTHS and I finally made it today. I decided that even if he doesn't want to be with me, I still want him to have the card and the birthday gift from me. The card has some mush in it, but it is pretty funny and I know he would like it regardless. Just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I will stop caring about him or not want him to have a good birthday. I know he will just love his gift too. This is not me getting carried away; I have already thought of the best possible outcome of the week and the worst, and I am of course preparing myself for the worst more. Out of fear. Since I am such a chicken with my feelings.
I miss him so much. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I see this in two different ways. Either the absence makes you miss each other more, or you get used to that void and you're like ok, I could do this. This is not bad. I hope it isn't the latter for him. I feel so preachy and whiny talking about this. I can't help it though.
I planned a birthday gathering for myself and I don't even feel like having it. I don't feel like entertaining. I might just cancel it.
Well, back to Mad Men. Maybe I can finish the entire season tonight. I have finished 4 seasons in 1 week and a half. That is called a problem.
No comments:
Post a Comment