Pathetic

I am trying so fucking hard to separate myself.  If tonight is what is "normal" for us now, I don't want it. I don't feel fulfilled in any way, shape or form.  The only time I get attention is if he wants to do things with me. That is the only time I feel like he wants to be around me.  Today is a time when we are around friends and he was silent. I tried to be normal, and this was not his normal self. Has is normal way changed around me?  This isn't the same guy that I fell in love with.  This is the guy that causes me anxiety, depression, anger. I even question myself if he is in love with me.  He never tells me he loves me; the only times he has was when I've been crying or really upset.  Then he becomes boyfriend to the rescue.  Other than that, I am afraid to tell him I love him because I am afraid I won't hear it back, and that hurts.  No, a fucking heart does not count as a fucking response.

Is our time over? Are we passed the honeymoon stage?  I feel like I'm treated like a wife that is busy raising children and like isn't hot or something anymore.  I want to feel wanted, and needed, and appreciated.  I don't feel that way.  He gets mad that I am so insecure about us but can he blame me? The inconsistency is so stressful and like I said, if this is him "normal" with me now, I don't want it. I don't want it at all.  It hurts. It hurts feeling like I can't hold his hand.  His body feels cold.  What is wrong with me?  What am I good for to him if this is how he treats me?  I don't want to bring up another fight because it'll just make things worse. Every time I bring up something, I'm trying to make it better and I try to be understanding.  I suppose I just have to see how long I can stick this out for? I feel like this is going to make me completely numb if I can't voice out anything.

I feel like I am making it worse both ways, by saying something and not saying anything at all. I can't win in this situation. All I'm doing is making him love me less.

I wish in these situations someone could just tell me what to do. I like to think that I wouldn't put up with this shit in any other relationship; but I think I would. Because that's just the type of person I am. I love with my whole heart and put my whole heart into a relationship.  So that's what sucks. Is that I am probably going to be walked all over in most of my relationships unless I become a cold hearted bitch and make myself immune to this stuff.  I make myself so vulnerable and it isn't fair.

The sensible person inside me is saying, "Jesus Tiffany break up with this guy. He makes you cry a few times a week, literally has no idea; and when you try and care it pushes him away further."  But the hopeless romantic in me sees the good in him, and lives for that good. It's like I'm waiting for that next good moment to happen.

My patheticness actually makes me cry more.  I sound ridiculous right now.

I just came across this quote "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" - and I used to live by this every day back when my OCD was almost out of control and I let the smallest thought consume me. I would tell myself this all the time and it would work, temporarily.
I should think about this now; but at the same time, doing this is kind of ignorant. So, just don't focus on the negativity so it doesn't consume you?  Don't we want to acknowledge the negativity in hopes that it will eventually dissipate? I could ignore the clear space that is between my boyfriend I and focus on the good which on the "good" days is exactly what I try to do. But on these bad days, it's like all those emotions that I have compartmentalized have surfaced because I'm being treated like dirt. And it's crazy - he is never like, vocally bad.  People would never look at us and say, "Wow, that is a shitty boyfriend right there." Because it's not what he does, it is what he doesn't do.  He doesn't remind me how important I am to him (if really at this point I question my role in his life). He doesn't make me feel included in his plans, and most of the time I feel like an after thought.  He doesn't make me feel wanted when we aren't being intimate.  I don't feel like a priority to him.  I feel like for him at this point his "once a week time" with me has been fulfilled by this birthday dinner. I really do.

All this bitching and whining.  You ask why am I not doing something about it? I have tried. I have poured my heart and soul and tears and body into this relationship.  All for the better.  I have tried and tried and tried.  Why can't he let me in.  Why am I not good enough.