Where is the love

I had a pretty shitty day today, not even going to try and sugar coat it. I knew my lesson would be absolutely terrible.  Like it was so bad that she asked me how much I practice.

It has taken awhile, but I have finally realized that violin cannot be my career. It has literally sucked the passion out of it, trying to perfect it for these past five years now as a music major. Music used to be an outlet for me, and now it has become something that I need to create an outlet to get away from.  That outlet has become ballroom dancing for me.  I love it so much.  It is so different dancing with a person though. It's harder. When you dance in a dance class or in the studio setting, it's totally different because if you move a certain way, it is just you that you're worrying about.  In ballroom, you have two bodies that are trying to accomplish one sequence.  It's so challenging but once you find the right partner it makes it so much easier to become better.  Especially if you're comfortable with the person. :-)   It's amazing how much more I can do with Gabi than I could with my last partner, and one of the main reasons being comfortability.  I wasn't ever comfortable even just conversing with my last partner, because he was either patronizing me or making passes at me.  It was just... ugh. No.

Having that pro dancer tell me to continue dancing still resonates in my head. It makes me wonder though; what if I do decide to go the pro route with ballroom? Will it be like music?  That's what I did with violin. I worked so hard all my life to get to a point,  grew this huge passion for performing/playing, and then people encouraged me to continue professionally.  And now look at me. I never really want to practice,  I don't fit in with the people at the music school, I am always so relieved after Wednesday (the day of my lessons), and I let out breaths of relief when orchestra gets out.  I go to dance to improve, and really enjoy every minute of it - even those moments of frustration when I am trying to work out a movement with my partner. If I work at getting really good and ultimately having a goal of going pro, will that suck the life out of it? Will I lose my passion for dancing? That is a thought that scares me.

I think about when I absolutely loved playing violin, and wanted to play for anyone. People used to tell me when I played that music made them feel something.  I used to make people cry from listening to me play. (in a good way).

I feel so conflicted. It's just that competitor in me wants to perfect everything I do. But I think I'm starting to realize that is always the best thing.