Space

The space never scared me. I am the one that suggested space, weeks ago.  But he is right; we haven't really honored that at all because we keep dancing together, being in social situations together, when we aren't ready to be back to start being a couple again. I keep saying we, I'm ready. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and I have been. So I guess I should be saying "him". He is not ready, and needs to decompress from it all. That is completely fine.

What scares me is I feel like I am always one step ahead in this. I knew I loved him before he loved me, I see things between us before he does, and then I call it out and want to talk about it. I have been so willing and so ready to make it work and tried everything to make it better. Again I feel like I've said this before, but it's not like he treats me badly. There's just nothing at all. I'm not special anymore. I don't feel loved.

What scares me is that after this "space" of a week, what if it isn't all better? He's just going to give up and call it quits?   I don't need a time stamp; we made one just because we decided on that but what if it takes him longer than a week and he doesn't know that? And then he just drops me. And ends it.  It will break me.  That is what scares me. I am afraid to be a hopeless romantic and believe that at the end of this week, on my birthday, that he will decide to drive to Prescott and surprise me and say, "Let's make this work." Best case scenario that would be the best birthday present.  I don't even want something tangible. I just want a commitment that we are going to try and be better partners in this relationship.  What if this week doesn't give him enough time to process all that and give it another chance? I know that I can be a better girlfriend to him.  Before, I didn't accept that I couldn't be a fixer and not know everything. It was foreign to me and so unlike any situation I've been a part of.  But I realize now that I can't control everything; and if he just communicates to me that he needs space to himself I am okay with that. These times when he needs space and it has nothing to do with me, I am okay with giving him space just as long as he lets me know it isn't anything about me. Just simple communication.

It's strange, I think communication is our strength and our weakness. I've never been able to open up and talk to him and just resolve issues about my life and everything with anyone else like him. When he is in boyfriend mode, he is close to perfect.

I'm just afraid. I am so afraid he doesn't see what we have, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to.  I want to be positive and just trust it and think, yes... he will remember what we had and then want to come back. But what if I get all my hopes up this week, just for him to crush me at the end of the week, on or after or before my birthday?

Please god or whoever is up there. Give me strength to accept whatever he decides. Even after writing that, it sounds like such a surrender. I am not ready to give up yet. That is the problem. I want to do what he wants, and I can't force him to be with me. That's just what is breaking me most, is the thought that at the end of this week he might think it's not worth it. Even throughout all of this, all the anxiety and sadness has been in hopes that we will work it out. Please god help him remember the good that comes from us being together. He has made me the happiest anyone ever has, in every way. Help him remember that I can make him happy again too if he lets me back in.