Choice

I forgot what this feels like to be anxious all the time. Not really anxious, but just uncertain. My life gets so hectic that I crave stability. I came to the conclusion last night when I reluctantly was sharing my feelings that I purposefully keep myself busy so I don't have to think about a lot of things. Because of the type of person I am; over-analyzing, over-thinking, over-doing, I don't want to be left alone with my feelings for too long.  Usually I can be, but things just keep adding up. First I'm dealing with family stuff, and okay what ever I've learned to deal with that. But now that I have this haunting feeling that there is a high probability that I am going to be losing one of the closest people in my life in just a few months, it has turned me upside down. Most of the time I pride myself in being a strong person and strong willed, but this one is just an internal battle.  I'm in this stage now for the past couple days where it's like I'm just looking for things to be upset over.  Example. I remember saying months and months ago ... specifically January that if he didn't see this going anywhere, as just something intermediary, then I wanted it to end right then.  All he said was he isn't sure about anything and can't say that because you just don't know.  It turns out he had known all along.  He said the other day that he always thought this would just be a transitionary thing for him, to lead to the next step in his life which is a move away. But then this turned into something more than he thought it would.  Why wasn't he up front with me? Why did he have to lie?  Now I am in this situation, 8 months later still not in control, and without a say.  I'm just sitting here waiting for him to say, "Okay. Let's do long distance." Or find out that I'm just not worth it.  It hurts to think about.  Why does me having to be a good person to see a future with have to bite me in the ass? Why is this not something that is working out for me?

I don't believe in true love. I don't believe that there is one single person out there for you.  It's an active choice.  I could have made it work with Tyler, John. I could have. But I didn't. I chose not to.  For a while, I could see myself with Tyler. Fuck I stayed with him for 4 years.  People change, things change. And that's okay. For a while, I made the active choice of committing, even though in the end all it turned out to be was me being scared. But I made the choice to stay until I realized this was not for me.  I saw it through. Now this,  what I have right now is something beautiful.  I've never met anyone like him before.  He inspires me.  What a person should do for you. But for that to just be ripped away from you before it even blossoms to something better? I have a difficult time understanding this. I didn't expect to meet someone at 23 that I could see myself with forever, and I think part of that uncertainty is still here because it's still hard for me to believe sometimes that him and I are even together.  From the moment I met him (again), I felt something different than I had with anyone else.  Even the first time we met, I told Eydn about it and said, "He's literally perfect! He's funny, Jewish, perfect looking, but too bad I'm with Tyler."  Verbatim.  She even remembers this conversation. Which makes us giggle.

I can't just give up right now because it doesn't feel right. If it felt right to end it, I absolutely would.  This isn't even in a selfless way, but it isn't entirely selfish reasons either. It just doesn't feel right letting go right now. Of course you're not going to stay with someone if they want out. Obviously. But he wants in and thinks I'm awesome. Why isn't that enough for now.

The thought of him with someone else instantly brings tears to my eyes.  It makes it hard to breathe, that right now someone I love so much could have even a small desire to be with someone else.  A part of me knows this is because I'm the first long term girlfriend he's had in college. But so? The grass isn't always greener on the other side. But I had to figure that out for myself.  I used to be envious of one of my friends who literally could just hook up with people and have this Miss Independent persona.  Like, wow. That is so cool. But then I realized she is actually kind of lonely, and she is guarding something.  She had her heart broken and was afraid to bounce back. And now she is in a relationship again, and I've never seen her happier.

 He hasn't had the opportunity yet to do so. And it sucks.  Because I know feelings fade. I know it is so hard to imagine now, but I know that my feelings would fade for him, especially if I kept telling myself that he wants to be with other people.  I would have to force myself. Force myself out of one of the most amazing things I've ever felt.   I know he would find someone else, because there are so many people in this world that are going to be a good fit for you.  It's who you decide to just make a choice to see where it goes with.  And that's what pisses me off.  Just because I didn't meet you when you are 30 I'm not right for you?  What is so wrong about me now?  If you want to go off and find yourself, what is stopping you?  It's not like you would just stop talking to all your family and friends, it's just me.  Me, a person that is so supportive, literally at a point where I love him so much that I want him to go.  I'm stopping him somehow.  And I guess the only thing I'm stopping him from his what.  Sexual experiences? Date nights? Trips alone? I don't know.

If going off and doing you is what you want to do, then do it. But don't make any less of what we have or say it isn't "what's right" right now. Because that is bull shit. No one knows where they will be when they are 30. I don't know where I'll be.  But for me to be something that is stopping you from finding yourself is just stupid.

You learn a lot about yourself from your relationships with others.  Relationships are so beautiful because of that scary thought of what your life might be like if they weren't there. That thought itself is amazing to me,  how much impact a single person can have on one's life.  Every person in this world really does hold such a high power in that regard.  Isn't it crazy to think about?  You alone can give someone butterflies, even if you aren't around. You could be the reason a person gets up in the morning, or the reason why they can go to sleep.  You could be the reason why they can't sleep at night.  You can get to know a person so well that just within a single second of seeing them, you know if they are okay.  You know exactly how to make them feel better, and you know what exactly makes them feel good. You know every surface of their body and every spot that they crave.

I just want to be there. I want to be part of an adventure. I don't like being seen as a blockade, because I shouldn't be. At this point I feel like saying, Ok. Do you. Sleep with as many people as you need to, date who you must, stop talking to me if you want to. But give it 6 months. Find yourself and hopefully that leads you back to me.  I don't know if this is denial or what, but a part of me just has this feeling that he will come back.  How could he not? And maybe it would completely backfire and he would meet someone who fits him better than I do. When he wanted a break from me a few months ago, it broke my heart.  It actually physically hurt me.  For that I am somewhat grateful, seeing how much I truly care about a person. I didn't know I could feel that much.

But I knew I had to let him go in order for him to figure out things on his own. And sure, I don't know if he started talking to other girls during that time, fine. But I got what I hoped for in the end, he came back to me.

It's difficult for me to imagine life without him. It really is. I'm just choosing to not do that right now.  Because why would I? From a completely selfish standpoint, he is what is best for me right now.  He makes me happier than any other person. I'm making a choice to see this through, even within these next few months. Why would I end something that feels so right? I'm trying not to have a plan for my life right now, and with that said I'm trying to take this for what it is right now. Yes he may seem to be someone I could spend the rest of my life with, like in the most non-creep way possible I could imagine this fulfilling life with him being married with kids.  We just make such a good team.  But I'm not focusing on the future, even if he and I don't see it the same (although that is the problem ultimately is this part of the future is seen identically).  Why worry about that now?  Why push me away now when we aren't even there? I just want to live my life and why not have an amazing guy who has become such an important part of my life stick around for some of it? Yeah he may want out later, but why kill it when it's good?  I just have more love to give right now that I am choosing to not give to anyone else. Because no one is loving me better right now than him. And I can say confidently that I am doing the same for him right now too.  It's just not computing for me and I need a better reason.  His reason isn't good enough for me.