Fear

I miss him so much. Now that he's gone, and our competition prep is over, I have so much more time on my hands. It's crazy. I plan on practicing a lot of violin.

I have a few fears and they are all crazy. But I have to write them out.

1) I spoke with Jee on the phone yesterday, and she was just flipping out that it is even a possibility that I may have to take a bus once I get to Denver to see him. She told me Kent used to be a union bus driver, school full-time, and would sometimes drive 3 hours to go get her at the airport. I asked him how I'll get to Breckenridge from the airport, and he said "I'll pick you up if I'm off work, if not then there's a bus to Breckenridge from the airport."
I'll admit that stung a little; I would find a fucking way to pick him up if it was reversed. And then I see his point; he's just starting a new job and he can't just ask off a Friday evening and Sunday evening to take me back. But idk. I wonder if these times where I keep convincing myself are even worth it. Am I just stooping my standards lower and lower to try and accommodate him? I told Jee "Maybe I am dickwhipped." She said that's not it because when you're that, usually the guy knows it and he's fucking with your head. She said the worst part about this all is that he is such a sweet guy, and doesn't know. He literally doesn't know how selfish he is being, how easy I keep making it.

2) I wonder if I am dealing with all this stuff, him not treating me like I should be, and then learns all these mistakes by me complaining; gets tired of me, then breaks up, and then some other girl gets all the good of him. The part I've been waiting for because I have seen little bits of it and know it's there.

3) I am scared for when only seeing me once a month or so won't be worth it anymore, when our feelings for each other won't be enough. I am so scared.  The positive part of me is so determined to make it work, but I don't want to be the only one doing anything.

4) I just hate the thought of him being with someone else. I hate it.