I'd like to start off my post today by saying that it is amazing the impact another person has on you. Especially if the person means a lot to you. For instance; whenever my mom was upset when I was growing up, it was like everyone else became upset. Your mood rubs off on the people around you, especially if they're very in tune to the way you are/act.
I find myself thinking about my boyfriend, and how literally crazy in love I am with him. I would do anything for him. He thinks it is weird that I always agree with what he wants (which honestly isn't true)- but I am more inclined to say yes to him than anyone else. I don't really get a lot of bf time with him, so if he asks me to do pretty much anything that involves us being together, I usually jump at the opportunity. It's just how I am. And even the act of me having this blog, for what. 6 years now? It is usually centered around my relationships. Even the "smaller" or less serious ones. I think to a year ago around this time, I was blogging like crazy about a guy that I wanted to be in love with so badly. I wanted to love him, because he poured his heart and soul to me. He had this beautiful English accent and a kind heart. He made me feel protected, and wanted. He was so into me, and wanted it to work so badly. I remember the night he told me he was in love with me. It was the night before he was going to leave for England. I remember freaking out in my head saying, "OH MY GOD, PLEASE don't say you're in love with me please please". And he did. It felt so flattering. I said it back, because I knew that maybe one day I could love him the way he feels about me. Because the person that lit a fire in me I didn't know I had, had no interest in me at all.
He wanted me to move to Europe eventually - permanently. Move my whole life there. All on this notion that he was never going to find another girl like me. If I was so special, why couldn't I get the person I truly had feelings for to notice me? I was there, for months before anything happened. Gabi stole my heart in a way no one ever has. He has captivated me with literally every fiber of my being. I haven't been with him nearly a 1/4 of the time that I was with Tyler; but it is just amazing how this guy has changed my life. He not only makes me want to be a better person, but he makes me want to give myself to him, unconditionally. Something that I have never done. So is this why I find myself talking to myself more than I used to, and crying a lot more? Because there is more risk? It's like I have to talk myself through things a lot to make sure it sounds logical or legitimate before telling him. How is it possible to feel like the absolute luckiest girl all the time, but then at the same time feel so scared and anxious? I want everything with him to be perfect because he is perfect for me. He is everything I have ever wanted. It sucks that I am his first real real relationship, because I don't think he really has anything to compare this to. Or maybe we just haven't talked about it. I have gone through my share of frogs oh fuck have I. And it's like, I realize how real this is with him, and I don't want to fuck it up in the slightest. I want it to last, and will do whatever it takes to grow this relationship.
It hurts so bad sometimes. He didn't even seem excited about the thought of going to see me in Hawaii this summer. He is really the only person I would want to come visit me. I have friends that have mentioned in passing that they want to visit me; however he is the person I want to share that experience with. I want to take him to the volcanoes, Hapuna, the Kona strip - Waipi'io Valley. All of it. I want to explore things with him, everything really. And I can't help but feel sometimes like there is an expiration date on this for him. If that is the case, I would rather it just end now. I don't want to keep emotionally investing myself if I feel like every time he feels himself getting close that he is going to pull away so it hurts less when it ends.. That isn't fair to me. And it really scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine my life without him anymore. I am not saying I am looking to get married right now. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I haven't thought about a future with him. That's kind of the only future I want. It is so amazing how sure you can be of something, and be completely in the dark about something else.
When you love someone, you want to scream it off rooftops and just tell them all the time. I could tell him every day and it wouldn't be enough. He's told me three times he loves me; two of those times I was crying. I guess you could say I am feeling a lack of emotional stimulation.
I have all the patience in the world with him. I ask myself all the time why I am putting up with a lot of this, because I know I would never with anyone else. It's because it is him. Anything is worth it if it is for him. I just want that in return.
No comments:
Post a Comment