New Love

I just got done hanging out with one of my closest friends and her new boyfriend, we'll call him Rick. My god they are just the cutest couple. I actually got goosebumps watching them two together. It really just sits so well with me. It is such an amazing thing to witness when you see two people on the same close level. I can't really describe it other than it just being this exchange that really is so simple yet this phenomenon you can't stop looking or watching - you just wanna take it in as much as you can.  It is better than any romance movie you'll ever watch.  Seeing two people connect on that level in such a simple way makes my heart happy. It could be a casual embrace, or exchanged glances. It is so ordinary, but to those two people they are just on their own wavelength and don't even notice the intimacy there is.

All of this is so comforting to see, that maybe one day I can have that. It's frustrating to love a person so much,  and not be able to get to that point yet, not even after however many months.  I wish I could just take the guard down and be more like a couple.  Our relationship goes in waves. Sometimes, I feel like I am floating on Cloud 9. I feel like I never want to be loved by anyone else for as long as I live, other than him (this part of the wave never changes for me). I  feel like spending every second with him because when I am next to him, my mind settles and my heart feels at ease.  My anxious demeanor begins to fade, and I start to focus on the rooted connection we have built within these months.  I get to a point to where I want to start taking my guard down, but then it's like he feels it too and then emotionally closes up.  It's difficult because there are so many things I want to tell him. I wish I could tell him how in love I am, and that he really makes me the happiest I have ever been in my life, as cliche as that sounds. It is so true.  He's not my first, but the way I love him is so real and so genuine.  I don't have this need to make it work because he's a"first love" or because he's all I've ever known and that's what I'm settling for.  I have gone through some frogs let me tell you. He in his own way he is still kind of a frog. But it is one frog I think is worth seeing things through with and growing with emotionally, intellectually and just as a couple.  I want be able to feel comfortable saying "I love you".

So many things that happen between us make me believe that he does feel it too... that he does feel the same way towards me.  But it's like there is that part of uncertainty that is why I get so worried about this all in the first place.  That maybe he is never going to fully let his guard down because he's afraid of getting too close to me.  The little shiksa that I am.  I want to give myself completely to him, and I want reciprocity. That's really what it comes down to... wanting the feeling I am putting out there to be returned. There is no greater feeling than that, and there isn't a greater feeling than that to witness between two other people.  Everything about love seems so carefree, yet so complicated at the same time. Which I guess is why it makes it pretty beautiful.

I heard this great quote the other day, about being scared with the whole love thing. And it made smile.

"If it is both terrifying and amazing, then you should pursue it." - Erada

It really just resonates so much in my life. There are times like these when I am so scared of being hurt, that he is just going to break my heart. But then I tell myself one little sentence and it works. He is worth it.  I hope someday he realizes that he can use that courage that is in there somewhere to see that yes, this is honestly fucking terrifying. But it is amazing too. And it will be so much more if you let it.  I want him to let me in so badly.

We get each other so easily and have this great chemistry. So I know it's there.  I just believe that it is completely impossible for feelings this strong to develop for another person when there isn't those feelings being verbally or non-verbally communicated back. It's just impossible. So that's why I know it is in there somewhere, because these feelings I have, haven't just manifested themselves.  They've been building from what I have been shown. Mine are just progressing probably quicker and stronger.

I feel loved. I do, most of the time. Truly.  It's just nice to hear that you're loved too. When you know, you know. I've known for a long time; it is actually verging on creepy how long I have known.

Hats off to my dear friend and "Rick". They make such a heartwarming pair.  I love being around them and it gives me hope that someday I will feel the mutually uninhibited love they do.