Update

"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it."

This was just like a *mind blown* moment for me.  And it is so true.  I wonder if I should share this with the bf.  He's said something exactly along these lines in regards to our relationship; that it's so great but he's always going to wonder "What if".  Not that it's not a completely abnormal thought, I think that too. A lot. I think to myself, "Is he really the best I can do? Is he the best for me?"

My love for him just consumes me, and makes me want to continue.  I have that doubt, but I also am feeling so loved and don't want it to go away.

I've been working on the Bach Chaconne for about a month now, and I started working on it when he and I started talking about breaking up. So now every time I'm practicing it or listen to a recording of myself for performance practice, I hear the sadness in my playing. I can hear in the dissonance, this instability and shakiness.  Is this piece totally blackballed now??? I mean this was something I have been wanting to play for years, and now I finally am. Maybe this is inevitably my interpretation of it. And I think it would be enjoyable for people but the way I'm playing it may cause tears (which is actually a personal goal for me whenever I play.  I want people to feel what I'm feeling).

So much as happened: I just came back from an extremely quick trip to DC for a wedding with the bf, and it was an absolute fairytale of a wedding. I met one side of his family, and they were all very sweet to me.  I remember the first time I met his parents, I was so scared. Like, BOTH of them are rabbis! They're gonna hate me!!! Thinking they're orthodox or something. It's so silly when I think about it now.  Out of all people that I would expect to make me feel uncomfortable, I was thinking it'd be them.  But never once have they, ever. I truly adore them.  His mom is one of the sweetest women in the world, she always makes me feel at ease. Which probably makes her an amazing rabbi, too. And his dad good god. He is freaking hilarious.  Even after a year I'm not used to his humor, so I'm always still laughing after everyone else is over what he said. I see so much of my boyfriend in him, I actually think he looks more like his dad than mom.

I have been teaching for a month and been in school for about a month - gosh how time is flyin' already. I am also trying to move into my new apartment at the end of the month; I'm hoping I save money but we'll see.

Next post will be juicier.