I feel so loved. I haven't felt this really ever. Which makes it difficult. Why does he have to go away when it's all falling into place (more so)? He tells me openly that he loves me. Even though it hurt so bad hearing that somehow me being submissive for most of the relationship bit me in the ass, our relationship just keeps getting better. He misses me, he loves me. He cares.
These were all things I used to "complain" about not feeling. why can't he love me like I love him or whatever, which definitely seems so silly to write down. But I remember thinking this. That's what pissed me off though; when he told me a few weeks back that he never felt like he was going to lose me or felt like we were growing together --- or he never felt the same way about me. Those things hurt to hear. Just because I liked him more than he liked me I feel does not say there wasn't growth. Just because he didn't fall in love with me the way he expected shouldn't change what's happening now. Which actually he said. But when he was telling me, it was coming off like he was complaining about it like there has always been this disconnect with us, and then said "But it doesn't matter anymore I'm telling you this because I feel so comfortable now and because I love you". Didn't matter, it still hurt and I still cried. I think a part of me is still not over hearing all that. I tried so hard to make him feel at ease with me all the time, and tried to back off to see if he'd come to me. It turns out he never did "come around" until recent, which led me to think WHY has he been with me this whole time if he has been obviously feeling a different way?? I felt cheated, led on. Betrayed. It definitely explained the times when I'd get pissed about saying "I love you" in a text and then him responding with a "< 3 "
So back to the wedding. First off, I don't know what it is but seeing him in a kippa is so hot. Lol. Like I give him googly eyes constantly. He just melts me.
We danced like crazy, and the hora was so freakin fun. I also danced with his cousin David; one memory that is my favorite of that evening is him and bf passing me between each other sharing me as a dance partner. Such a blast. I found out later that we had a crowd. Usually in those situations I don't actually notice when there's a crowd. It's like my violin, I tune it out to focus more. Dancing is a little more of an extroverted hobby for me, I am definitely more showy with it- maybe because I'm more confident with it. I could feel people watching but I didn't know it was a lot.
Gosh. Just the night before the wedding was amazing. He was holding me, kissing me while I slept, telling me he loved me. It's like the moment I had been waiting for, for so long. I remember wanting to smile; not sure if I did because I was so tired, but I felt it. I remember feeling like wow, this is amazing. I'm falling asleep next to the person I am crazy in love with, and I actually think he feels the same way.
The moment we've been waiting for, people. Finally. And now you're tellin' me that I may have to let him go in a few months? I will literally save all my money just to visit him as much as I can if/when he moves.
Is it creepy that when I was watching his cousin get married, that I imagined him and I in the chuppah, doing the whole ritual? I really do think I am the creepiest person sometimes. It's not like I think he's my soul mate, but I do think it's normal to picture yourself long term with the person you love. I wonder if he's done that with me lol. I kind of hope so, so I can feel a little more validated about this haha.
Continuing with what I was saying earlier, I feel like after finding out how not on the same page we were for most of the relationship stung, and I'm still recovering. It's like he's strangely getting what he always wanted in the beginning. Like I am apprehensive with him, starting to protect myself and not just be 100% all in, his call all the time. I've shelled myself since that talk, and it sucks but I can't change it. I wonder when I will feel totally comfortable again. I'm not sure I will for awhile considering I can't even get a solid commitment from him with the whole November thing.
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