Beginnings

I can't even deal with how much has happened since the last time I wrote, haha.

For one, I am single now. It's so weird. Coming from a place where I was so sure; so sure this person was the one for me. I feel like an idiot.  Someone that I trusted with my heart, broke it.  I have never loved a person the way I loved Gabi, ever. I can say that in a retrospective way, too. Even with the pain I am learning to deal with through any distraction I can have,  he is the greatest love I have experienced.  And this is with someone who didn't love me, nor treat me the way I deserved.  I can only imagine how someday, when someone treats me and cherishes me the way I do them will feel like. That is probably going to be something truly amazing.

It's weird to think I'm not with him anymore, and it's weird that I am trying to move on from him.  The first two weeks were extremely difficult. I cried a lot. I felt sick a lot.  I didn't understand anything. I kept blaming karma; like, this is happening to me because of the way I broke up with John & Tyler.

What is the most unsettling thought for me is that he is totally okay. That he is living life, this amazing life without me. That he may be finding more comfort with someone else. That's what hurts is that even if he says it wasn't me but him (totally fucking cliche btw), that I was apparently perfect - but not good or perfect enough to keep around, or commit to. What was wrong with me?  What is it about the new girl in his life in the future that I didn't have?

Things like this scare me.  Just when I think I have my life figured out, something changes like a slap in the face. And I'm back to wondering what the fuck is going on.

He was one of my closest friends.  One of things I miss most is the way he used to make me laugh. Even after almost a year and a half together, it never got old.  He even would joke that it was a miracle that I still found him funny after so long.  Will I ever find that again? Everyone tells me it's his loss. His loss. Why am I the one feeling so empty?  I keep distracting myself with tinder or bumble, and I don't feel satisfied. I keep wondering when another Gabi will come around. Of course I don't want a carbon copy of Gabi.  But there are things about him that I wonder if I will ever get to see in someone else.  He wasn't a very emotional person, but once he let me in it was really beautiful. It made it that much more meaningful. I hate writing this all out because it's bringing out these emotions in me that I have been trying so desperately to suppress.... When will I be able to talk about it like it's nothing?  Will him and I be friends?  When will I be okay with that thought?

New beginnings.  My life is full of them right now.  Since the end of October, I've been working out a lot. I've been eating better.  I began my official Jewish conversion. I have an awesome rabbi/mentor. He is amazing. I am almost done with school.  I want to feel so happy, and I do for the most part, but there is that part of me that feels empty. And I wonder if that will ever go away.

I still fantasize about Gabi coming back to me, saying he misses me or wants me back.  You'd think that would not be a thing anymore. You'd think the thought of me being with him would make me sick, but it doesn't.  Of course it doesn't. Love like this doesn't just go away. That's what hurts, is that I am aware that I loved him on a much deeper level than he did me. So while he is probably totally fine right now, I'm still sort of scrambling to make sense of why I'm not whole, or why I wasn't good enough.

I'm 23 and I don't feel whole.  What if it never gets better? What if I end up settling for someone just to get over him? What if he ruined it for me.  I loved.. .well. Love. I loved him so much. I want to tell myself that "I never saw this coming" but I think deep down I did, I just hoped he would come around like he eventually always did; he always came to realizations after me. Which sucked but it made it worthwhile.

Right now it seems like guys are interested in me... which is great. This should be fantastic.  I wanna run with it and live.  I wanna live like he probably is.  I hope this conversion will help me connect with myself again, help me realize my self -worth. Because I know I'm a catch. I just have to remind myself that I have so much more to give and offer that I should be with someone that appreciates that.

There's the end of my thoughts on that. On a totally separate note, I have one, maybe two dates this week. One with a guy I met at a White Elephant party (mutual friend) and then a random add on FB, also have mutual friends. They're both Jewish. Plus.

Dear God, please help me find the courage in myself to have fun and realize my awesomeness again. The end