Just a Friend

I haven't written in so long.

It is really starting to set in, the loneliness. I think this is why I fill up my days to the minute so I never have a moment to be truly *alone* with my thoughts, or just alone in my aloneness if that makes sense.

When Gabi broke up with me, I had to find a distraction, I was so heartbroken. I mean I would be lying if I said I wasn't still.  I thought after over three months I would be over it. Will I ever be?

He keeps trying to be my friend, but I can't do it. That hurts so much that after everything, he is totally okay with just being my friend. I remember I did the same thing to Tyler.  I was like "let's still be friends" and Tyler was like totally okay with it like, "Okay great let's get coffee." And we hung out and talked like old friends. He even brought Marlin (his dog).  I remember that "meetup" soo well. It's the last time I saw him actually, wow. Over 2 years ago, maybe even 3? I guess I am learning from his mistake, and from other friends. I saw what being "just friends" after the breakup did to them, and him.  It hurt them worse, and I remember even softening from it and calling Eydn in a panic: "Maybe we can get back together. Maybe we can work it out." God bless that woman. Because if I didn't have her to tell me in those moments of weakness to stay strong and not go back to him, I would have never had a lot of the experiences I had after him, and well - I wouldn't have had Gabi in my life the way I did. After everything, I don't regret anything I don't think. I think I wish some things would have gone differently; however, I don't know if I actually regret anything.

Gabi wants to be friends. I can't do it.  That hurts. After everything, he can chat with me like pals.  When I put myself in his shoes, I have literally been there with Tyler. I get it. But it hurts so much being on this side of things.  He can't make the calls for everything, it's not fair.  A part of me wishes he stops by my apartment Friday night when he is here in town... How messed up is that? Even after everything?

Should I just tell him he can come over and catch up with me? I just don't know. I am so, so conflicted.  I want to see him, I really do. I'm just afraid the things I am trying so hard to forget and actually starting to forget will surface again, and then I'll be back to square one.

God. On another note, I am SO glad I went to Denver last weekend. I had so much fun making new memories there with new people. I was basically high the whole weekend. It was just what I needed. I needed new memories there otherwise I would hate it forever.

I wish I was strong enough to just be friends with Gabi. After all, he was one of my best friends. I loved him so much. I love him so much. I loved. I have to keep telling myself that. It isn't what it was anymore. And he doesn't love me anymore.