A Typical Holiday

So if you have been reading my blog for a while, you would know what a typical family Christmas is in my house. I don't even need to explain, maybe just type in generic search words in my blog like, "Christmas", or "Easter", or birthday. Anything. Oooh, here's a good one. "Thanksgiving". that one I am sure a good story will pop up.


You know what's the worst part? When my whole family is turning on me, my boyfriend can't even stand up for me. THAT, indeed is sad. You know who was there for me? Someone else's boyfriend. How messed up is that. My sister's boyfriend. Of all people; someone who (mutually) had stopped communication with for a while because of certain stuff, was there for me. Of ALL people. I mean, he is obviously like a brother to me.

Not even getting high could make me feel better. I have never felt so alone as I did today. I will admit, being around Tyler's family made me feel a ton better ( I left my house early today because I was going back to Tempe. I really did not want to be around my family at that moment ...yes my fam can be that disfunctional).
As I come home for dinner (my family wanted me back home for dinner apparently), shit was still going on. I was still being picked on. I didn't even know this, but my sister told me that earlier that day my brother was saying how he hates seeing people (me) being bullied by the rest of my family. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. To know someone in my family still cared to stand up for what they knew was obviously right was really refreshing. I seriously feel like I get bullied every holiday. Usually my brother doesn't say anything, but he did this time, and for that I am thankful. And now I just feel bad because my sister is mad at her boyfriend because he was comforting me. God, I can never win. I swear. It's not even about winning; I just wanted to be happy on a fucking holiday. I honestly for once just want to feel that no matter what someone is going to support me. Is that too much to ask for?

First Recital

My students had their first recital today! It was kindof a mess; one of my students didn't show up. One didn't start on her cue, and the other.. oh well. He was just adorable. He completely froze on stage, and I tried to get him to just play for me instead of the crowd, but he couldn't do it. He walked off stage crying, and I was able to get him to play after the person that was supposed to play after him. I was so proud of him! I felt proud of myself too because I started to panic. Majorly. I started to look at him like, Okay, start! (we were doing a duet). but ... He wouldn't . He stood there, staring at the audience, like he was in shock that he was on stage. He started to say, "my violin doesn't sound right." "let me start over that was a terrible start." and I just stayed patient because I think I know more than most people what horrible nerves is like! Anyway, he started to look at me, and then I stood in front of his stand and said, "just play for me. no one else, just me." And he still couldn't do it. He went off stage, and I was able to coax him into playing after the person that was on stage currently. He did it! He wanted to sit down, but he did it! I was so unbelievable happy and proud of him. I am proud of all my students today. Ah, the life of a teacher! :-)

Drax

Please pray for my baby Drax. He went into the Tucson animal hospital today because he is having weird breathing problems and is very sick.

Please get better baby.


<3

xox

Dream Interpretation, No. 5

Okay, for the past couple weeks I keep having dreams with puppies in them. Last night, I found a puppy on a rock and its tail was caught underneath a rock... by an ocean. WTF?! The other night, I had a dream with a whole litter of puppies. So, it's time to see why I keep thinking of adorable puppies.


Puppy

To see a puppy in your dream symbolizes your playfulness and carefree nature. It also refers to a blossoming friendship. If you are taking care of a puppy, then it means that you are reliable and trustworthy. Others can depend on you, especially during difficult times.

To see a litter of newborn puppies in your dream is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.

via dreammoods.com


Blossoming friendship? I haven't really made any new friends. I guess I used to have a carefree nature... Around most people I do I think still.

Intimacy

To dream about an intimate issue relates to your sexual identity. Perhaps something is lacking in your personal relationship. You are feeling unsatisfied or something is missing in your relationship. It is important to remember that a healthy relationship takes work. Thus your dream may be trying to help you resolve the some issue at hand.


I keep having dreams where I am intimate with someone, and it's not usually my boyfriend. I mean, nothing gross and dirty, but - it's still there.
Well this definitely applies. I have definitely been feeling a lost, and especially after last night I really feel lost. I don't even know what to do. I am just trying to move on I guess. I think it's for the best. I wonder if these dreams will go away after today.. or something.


I just have to focus on school right now. Juries. violin. I can do it. I think.

xox

Busiest 2 Weeks of My Life

The title is pretty self explanatory... WOW! What a 2 weeks. It's been absolutely ridiculous. Violin lessons, TEACHING violin lessons, Brentano String Quartet.. HOMEWORK!!!


As far as getting busier, I am taking on an extra 2 students. A teacher backed out at last minute and I decided, hey! I can take these kids! haha. So whoop-di-do... that's an extra $8. haha. I probably shouldn't discuss money on here. Oops.

I am trying to think of everything that's been going on the past month. I've been hanging out with a lot with Phi and Tehvon, probably my two closest friends here in school. We've hung out together pretty much every weekend. An incident happened on Halloween weekend and now I'm kindof in this awkward situation with one of them, but hopefully it blows over after an apology.

Tyler visits tomorrow. I've been really complacent lately, and I think I just need to see him. I've been off, for a few reasons, but all in all I just need to see him. Hopefully things get better.



pictures from recent events:



Halloween Weekend - I was Cassandra from Wayne's World.



playing the Samuel Barber Violin Concerto, mvt. 1 at my Studio Recital at the beginning of the month.



I've gotten quite into Latin Ballroom!



my first Wedding gig :)



xox

Anxiety Month 1

It's been a little over a month now that I have been taking the antidepressant. My doctor upped my dosage double from the month before, and ugh. Bad idea.

Improvements:

- Performance Anxiety before doubling
- OCD

UH OH's:

- Too relaxed when I perform now (so, the dose needs to go back down to 25)
- headaches everyday


I am really liking where the medication is helping me get though. I can play violin for my teacher like I've been wanting to for literally like a year, and I am not thinking about stupid obsessive, compulsive things that I shouldn't even think about. yeah, it still happens from time to time, but it's not a constant every day thing, and it will only get better :)


Another downside though, with the doubling, I've been having random mood swings, like how a girl acts before her period, haha. The other day, I had a crying fit mixed with just overwhelming stress. It was a major detox, and then I just crashed for 3 and a half hours. I noticed I am also more tired these days as well...


We'll see how I improve by next month!

Jada,

..the rescue dog.

On Wednesday, September 28th, I was looking on the website of Arizona Rescue Network for animal's website on facebook and came across a dog who just tugged at my heartstrings. I have looked at this site for awhile, but it was just something about this dog that got me. I mean, I've cried numerous times looking at pictures on the site of dogs that are scheduled to be euthanized next day. Something about her picture just got to me, and I couldn't bear to see this dog die. So I wrote on the picture, "I'll take her." And I did.

It took about 3 hours to arrange, with email exchange, paper applications, and trying to just contact the right people to get this done so she wouldn't be put down at 5am the next morning. I wasn't going to be able to sleep till I knew she'd be okay.

I got the message at around 11 that a hold had been placed on her. I was so relieved. The next day, I was constantly checking my phone to see what time it was. Is it time yet to get my dog? Any messages yet? I still hadn't got any word and I was so anxious.2 hours before I had gotten word if I could come get her, I had already bought dog food and all the supplies I'd need to have a dog in my apartment.

Finally at around 2, I got the call that I could go pick her up at Maricopa County Animal control in Mesa. When they brought her out, I saw this stocky, beautiful red coat dog wagging her tail crazily making her way toward me. Even though her tail showed excitement, the rest of her body showed she was scared, or abused. It broke my heart, and I think right then I knew I was going to do what ever possible to make her never have to feel that way again.

She stunk. Really bad. But hey, it's expected. Who knows the last time she was washed, because she was a stray. They gave her a rabies shot and then handed me the leash and said, "She's all yours." I became a foster for this new timid dog.

Right when I got the leash, she took control. She pulled and pulled, and then stopped at grass. She peed. "should've known", I thought. Haha. That was a good sign though; she was house trained!

I couldn't get over how bad she smelled, so I took her to Petco to get grooming. Turns out they require 48 hours post rabies shot to get groomed. Weird. But okay. She was so so scared. She was scared of every door, every fence, every gate, and... tile floors. Just tile floors. In my apartment, she wouldn't cross to get to my room because there was a tile gap separating her from where she was standing (carpet) to my room. She also wouldn't budge up the stairs. I had to carry her up and down, three flights. In Petco, employees had to help me with her because she would not budge to get in the door. She shuddered at most noises, and crawled slowly into every entry way. It was so sad to see.

Probably should've mentioned this earlier: When I picked her up, I immediately thought to myself right when I saw her, "She is too feminine to be a Melody. She looks like a Jada. Like Jada Pinkett Smith". So that's where her name Jada came from.

I bought special soap that is tearless, and gave her a bath that night. She was terrified of the bath tub and faucet (no surprise, actually haha) so it was a challenge and a mess!

She is such a great dog. So well behaved and such a love!!! She doesn't jump on furniture, doesn't bite or chew. She is also not crazy. Yeah she's scared, but she is definitely getting better. She actually walks into the kitchen now, and goes up the stairs! Took awhile, but she's getting so much better. She is also great on the leash now too. Ah, I love Jada! I do not want to give her up. No no no.

She is currently sleeping right next to me as I type. I love her. She gets along with our other dogs too, especially Drax.. he LOVES her! When I first introduced her and my own Pug Paris, Jada didn't like her at all. :( By the end of the weekend, it was the other way around! Paris was annoyed with her! Oh, well. Girls will be girls, huh.

Anyway, Jada is the sweetest dog, and I know everyone in my family has absolutely fallen in love with her, and every dog loves her. And every person that meets her loves her. Ah she's just a loveable dog. I'm so lucky I got her.





xoxo

Jada

Holy Crap.

....Sums up my weekend. Worst weekend to possibly get sick. I was sick on a weekend when I could really use being healthy, haha. I wasn't able to practice, hang out with anyone, nothing really. I am still kindof sick now, but I am getting so much better. Now its just congestion and a bad cough. Thank you antibiotics!

I was supposed to pick up my roommate from the airport, but she changed plans without letting me know until I had to pick her up. Cool, huh? Yeah I really appreciated that.

Tomorrow I have to play trumpet and teach it too. Haha. FUN! It should be interesting, and I am definitely kinda excited for it if anything.

I also have a really, really long rehearsal with my quartet coming up too most likely tomorrow because I bailed on them all week long. :( I felt kindof bad, but I really couldn't help it. I had the absolute worst timing to get sick. Hopefully I won't again for a while though, because this was a pretty bad one this time.

I can't wait to go home this weekend. I am just not in the greatest of moods and am looking forward to going home and seeing my pets and friends.


Pointless post? Probably qualifies as this one.

xox

5am, September 7th

I entitle this tomorrow morning's date, because tomorrow at 5 am there are many dogs that are going to be euthanized. It breaks my heart. Not only that, but it makes me so, so angry. How can people just throw their pets away like it's nothing? They just leave them without food, nothing, like the dog never did anything for them BUT LOVE THEIR OWNER to PIECES. It gets me in tears thinking about these innocent animals that just want to be loved, and cared for. Some don't even live long enough to remember anything, and there are some dogs there that haven't had a home longer than they probably can remember. If i had endless money, and a place to house them, I would take them all. If i could, I would be a part time student and start working there, but I can't. I mean, I can but I'm not sure my parents would support it sadly. (Not like they don't love animals or anything... They're just gung-ho (sp?!) about their daughter's higher education). I keep looking through all the albums the facebook page has - there is an album entitled "Rest in Peace". I didn't get through 6 pictures until I broke down in tears. Why do people accept the responsibility of taking in an animal, if they're just going to do that to the poor thing. think about it.. I bet their pet would never strand them on the side of the road, desert their owner, or abuse them in any way. Never. And what makes it worse is how a dog just suffers; any animal does. They can't speak, they can't express the words they're probably thinking. All i saw in pictures were these sad, longing eyes - like the poor dog knew what it's fate was. Some looked happy - you could tell those pictures were also taken when they were brought to the local Petco to be shown (to be adopted!!!!). I hope somehow, people start realizing that there are many, many animals in desperate need of homes. even tonight, there's a hotline that you can call to save one of these poor dog's lives. They don't deserve to die, just because their stupid, irresponsible, inhumane owner abused/stranded them. They don't deserve it. I wish I could take them all and save them, but I can't. The hardest part: Choosing just ONE.



http://www.facebook.com/the5amdogsofaz#!/the5amdogsofaz

Last day in the Sweet S-R

This is definitely better late than never, but here we go! My last night in Sulzbach-Rosenburg was the most fun by far, and the most memorable!!

It's a little hazy now, especially since it's been about a week. We all told ourselves; Olivia, Matthew, Ezra, Rachel, and I that we were going to stay out that night. We were, no matter what. It was our absolute LAST night together, so no matter how tired we were or frustrated, we were going to live it up - we did, or maybe over did it a little (except me!ha).

We started our drinking power trip right before we had to play our final concert. Ezra and Rachel scored some free Ouzo (a Greek liquor), so we took a couple shots of that before performing. We played the concert in the town of Sulzbach-Rosenberg's huge stone church, meaning absolutely no warmth is in there since it is stone sealed. Since I drank though right before the performance, I kept thinking to myself on stage, "Is it toasty in here?!" The performance went well. I just couldn't wait till it was over so we could start enjoying ourselves more!

We stayed at the Bayerischer whatever it's called until about 12:30 am, and then ventured to outside the "S&M" building. We call it that because it is actually called the "SMS Building". The first day Ezra said it, and it just stuck from there. We danced, smoked, and just enjoyed each others company while enjoying a chilly night for about three hours. I learned a little salsa, laughed my ass off, made new German friends, made new memories. I ended up having to take care of most of my friends, because they got completely wasted, haha. I packed Rachel's things, helped pack Ezra's (They were both absolutely sh*tfaced!) and they still managed to be late for their shuttle, haha. I walked Olivia home, and she was pretty gone too.

I thought to myself, "Okay. It is 5 am. I can go to bed for 2 hours and make my shuttle at 7." That was funny, and wrong. I woke up so late, slept completely through my alarm set for 7 am, and woke up at 9:30 AM!!!! I instantly went into panic mode. My face got red, my body was warm, i thought I might explode from the overwhelming feeling of my sheer stupidity. I literally started pace/running around the room in circles for about 7 seconds, then darted out of my room in my underwear, straight to Olivia's room to tell her she probably missed her train. Turns out she left without even saying bye to me, even to see if I'd share the taxi with her like she said she would do. Thanks, friend! haha. Yeah, I was pretty pissed, but all in all it was ultimately my fault for oversleeping. I ended up having to spend an extra 105E (euro) to get myself to the airport, pronto. I kept hearing Lino, one of the faculty, telling the taxi, "something in german something in german SHNELL!!!!" I loved it! And they did exactly that. They hurried me to the airport! I made my flight with little ease, but I made it. I got to sit in the best seat in Economy, the one with the most foot room (the seat at the beginning of Econ). My friend Ayako, who I met during the festival, convinced the person next to her to switch with me and so we got to sit next to each other! She was passed out for really the entire flight, so I just watched movie after movie, after movie. I watched Water for Elephants (Which by the way is the saddest movie on the planet next to The Help), African Cats documentary, and others that I honestly can't remember at the moment.

I got back to Arizona, and my roommate Courtney picked me up curbside right at my terminal out of baggage claim. She's a keeper friend for sure. This is a new roommate by the way, not the same as last year.

In conclusion. This trip was of course one I will never forget, but something that has really, changed my life. People I have met there have changed my life, and I made lifelong friends. <3 br="">

Sulzbach-Rosenberg

So this might be weird and also might take extra long since I am typing on a full touch screen. My mom let me take her iPad to Germany! so far this festival is really unorganized. On the newsletter sent a few weeks before the starting date, they stressed to BE ON TIME to the airport. Everyone ended up waiting for the bus for over a half hour at the airport! We finally were fed so I'm happy, haha. On a much brighter note, it is so beautiful here, and I am staying in a big German cottage looking hotel. Absolutely adorable. It is over a mile away from where we have to be everyday, so I will definitely be getting my exercise!

To go back a few days, I got to sit next to the coolest people on all of my flights! On the flight to New Jersey, I sat next to a lesbian couple and they we absolutely hilarious. They thought I might be heading to NYU since they saw I had a violin with me and I was heading to Newark. I wish!!!!! anyway, after that flight, I was connected to Lufthansa. I missed two of 3 meals served on the plane due to how exhausted I was. I also, after snooping, found out I was sitting next to Charles Kaiser! He is kind of a huge deal in the journalism world. He was super funny and pretty easy to talk to, little did I know that i was chatting up a huge storm with a published author. I first got the feeling he was important when he was being pretty vague about his job. I could tell he was being extremely humble. Sooooo I did some snooping haha. I just happened to glance over at his laptop screen and see that the name said Charles Kaiser, so I tried to remember the name. Turns out I was right, and my sister was mad I didn't give him her card. What am I her publicist? I dont carry around her cards with me ha. On the third flight, I was sitting next to one of the faculty members here for Interharmony. He was such a big help with me finding my hotel, since he knew a little bit of German!

Once I got situated in my hotel, I changed my outfit, let my hair down, and left for downtown Nürnberg. It is such a cool little tourist town! It is basically what one would probably picture a German town to look like in their head. I wish I could include pictures, but I cannot transfer my pictures to the iPad. It's okay though, this thing took off ALOT of weight in my hand carry.

To get to Nürnberg, I had to buy a subway ticket. I had to get to the main station though. So long story short, I talked to at least 7 different Germans and none knew what I was saying, but i somehow,not sure how, got my point across that I needed a ticket to get on this damn thing. Some guy was nice enough to let me use his pass for 2 people ( he was alone) so I thanked him probably more than the normal person does haha.

I just killed time walking around the town, bought a few things, and then got bored. I kept thinking to myself, "this is what you've been wanting to do ALL your life! Travel alone! It was really cool at first and I felt super responsible having to figure everything out alone, but then I got bored, and sort of sad because I had no one to share is awesome town with and everyone else around me seemed to be with at least one other person. So after I ate a Wiggla or something like that (a sandwich with three mini sausages. Sooo good!!) I headed back to the subway to go back to the hotel room.

This is where it gets interesting. I decided I wanted to shower before I go to bed, and it's already like 9:30 or maybe even later. I am standing butt naked in front of the bathroom door when suddenly my hotel door opens! I think quick and get into the bathroom really fast and I hear a "god I've made so many mistakes today!!!! Where are you?!" I answered, "uhhh in the shower!" so I figured it was the maid. I start to get scared though, because I started thinking WHAT maid comes to a room this late? I obviously started thinking the worst possible scenarios, including one similar to when the daughter is kidnapped in the movie "Taken", and so I take the longest possible shower, just hoping whoever is out there is gone by the time I am about to die from being pruned. I finally finish my shower and slowly make my way to the main room of my hotel room and SOMEONE IS IN MY BED!!!!!! I didn't know what to do, I was so shocked I couldnt even scream! Only half of whoever this girl's face is showing. She pulls off the covers, and it's my friend Olivia! I immediately felt so retarded for thinking all the things I was. The reason why I didn't think it was her was because she was supposed to be in Frankfurt, not Nuremberg. Turns out when she received my email that I wasn't staying in Frankfurt, she decided to take a train here. Surprise surprise!!!!!!

After hanging out in the room for a while, we went to the bar downstairs. She had either three or four large sized German beers, and I had three cokes with lime, haha. We stayed for a while, and she ordered me my very first Jaigermeister shot. It was diiiiiiiisgusting. Wow. But I just chased it with my handy coca cola. I also smoked my first full cigarette, and i don't know if it was because I drank before, but the cigarette was just good. And this is coming from someone that gets a headache from any type of tobacco smoke.

So now back to now, I sit here alone in my hotel room. I don't think I'm actually going to be having a roommate, so I have this big room on the top floor to myself. I am kind of lonely though, and do wish there was at least someone to talk to. That's why I'm writing this long blog post, because I have nothing to do till about 5 tonight. I am also waiting for someone to get onto Skype.

I'll do an update soon!

Culture Shock!

So I just went to a different church's youth group.... it was - different. The band was better than most church bands. Now, I am not comparing it to a gospel church band because that simply is not in the same caliber as gospel haha. Well it was definitely different. It was almost like a bible study. I've never really done something like that. There's nothing wrong with it.. there has just always been too many things I question that I am frowned upon for so it is discouraging when nothing I ask is answered, or it's just shoved under the rug. I mean I was thinking, "That's obviously not true." (ahahah) But for the most part, it did what every religion for the most part tries to do: promote the good in everyone. It did. It inspired me to be better, and react better in situations. For instance, if I see someone I dislike, be nice for a change. Do the exact opposite of what I would probably normally do. It was an inspirational thing to hear, and I think I needed to hear it.

Can't wait for tomorrow for my friend to accompany me and get me ready for Germany.. Yikes. Time for like a 4 hour cram practice session...

Your Reaction?

I have just recently added this option on my blog - reactions. It is located at the end of each blog post, and it's basically self explanatory. After you read that blog post, click which best fits the mood or what you got out of the blog post. I'm doing this off the top of my head, but I'm pretty sure there are 4 different moods. You don't have to or anything; it'd just be cool for me at least to see what the readers reaction is when they read my blog posts!

xox Goodnight!

Silly lil' Lady!

I have been extremely lazy today, and a little silly, too. I started to organize what I was going to bring to my trip to Germany next month, and I needed to bring some nice dresses. I started trying on some of my old gowns that I had, and then next thing I know, as always, I got distracted on my computer and then ended up wearing one of my dresses for over an hour! haha. It felt nice though. I felt.. Royal. It made my best friend Eydn laugh; good to know I can still make people laugh haha.






Well, that's my day. Boring, but at least I know I still fit in dresses from over a year ago!!!

xox

Gettin' back into it

I haven't been involved in the classical music scene in my town for about a year (because of college), and today I got together with my old teacher George for a violin lesson! I was so excited. He really is my most favorite teacher I've ever had. He is extremely witty, and so smart. I am always learning something new! Like, I never knew Mendelssohn was like Mozart, in the way that they were both musical geniuses at very young ages. I also didn't know that Beethoven was like the "rebel" almost, never wearing a wig in the times where you should be wearing one... i.e, George Washington, Mozart. They wore wigs. But Beethoven didn't...because he didn't want to. What a badass. Beethoven also had this idea of how music should be replicating of somewhat an explosive nature, and it really is. I could go on and on using musical terms but this would be more boring of a blog than it normally is, so I won't.

He helped me with my music excerpts for next year's orchestra audition, and then I just got back tonight from a string quartet rehearsal at his house. It was pretty bad. I didn't realize how terrible I got at sightreading. George told me to play the first violin part on a piece, and I did HORRENDOUS!! I'm actually embarrassed how bad I did! He was trying to make me feel better about it, but I know I did so, so bad. You know when you feel absolutely prepared for something, but then once you get there one thing can throw you off and then you are in some weird limbo of confusion/anger? That's where I was during this Mendelssohn quartet. It was so difficult (rhythmically), and then had these jumps (referring to like a low c to a high F.). It was just too much for my small brain, hahaha. I felt bad, because we had to keep stopping. I mean, it wasn't always me but I probably caused someone else to get off. I didn't do very well, I'm kindof disappointed in myself. So I'm just going to practice that music like crazy till I'm solid & ready to go. I don't think we're playing it for anything, but hey. it's still fun. Just to get quartet experience. Since that's what I'm going to be doing in Germany for a little bit I'm sure.

The Dilemma brings up a thought in my head. Just recently, I know a family that the parents are going through the divorce. One of the kids doesn't even blame his dad for it (The dad cheated)... I don't care whatever the circumstances are... It's just an absolute no. Nothing excuses it. Well hey, I guess like father like son. Or even like mother, like daughter. I sure as heck see resemblances in my sister's and my mom's personalities! (They're not cheaters or anything. I'm just saying they have many similarities in personality). People that cheat on people make me sad. I know why they do it though. I tried to put myself in their situation, to completely understand why they would. All I could come up with is that they are missing something in their current relationship that they desperately feel need of. It's not that they don't like the person they're with anymore; maybe they like that feeling of security and permanentness with that person, but they just need something else at that moment. I don't know. I think though that if a person is in that situation, they are absolutely with the wrong person. If you're with the right person, you don't ever feel that way. You don't even feel the need to necessarily look at someone else, if it may be that extreme.

God, what a rant.

I asked my teacher if I should even bother applying for the ysa scholarship next year, and he said no. He was completely honest and that's what I love about George. he knows they are just going to pick the person that is without the most money, and it won't be me. I'm not rich or anything, obviously. But we're not poor. And that's what it takes now to get a scholarship... is to not have money. Not if you're talented, but if you're needing money. Good thing.


xox

Rootin tootin

The rodeo dance was last night, and this is an event in Prescott that I think has been going on for a while, but I only started going my Freshman year of high school. Last night's time was by far the most fun I've ever had at this event. Partially because I got a little intoxicated - but it definitely made it truly more fun. I hung out with some old friends, and I was so happy to reconnect with them. I also shared Tyler with some of my friends because I know what it was like to be at the rodeo dance without a date! So I told him to dance with some of my friends. He was hesitant at first, but come on it's not like they're getting married - just a dance! haha.

Today I think my family is finally going to sign the lease papers for my new apartment! :) I'm so excited to room with Courtney next year.

Well, not much has been happening in my life really. I have started practicing hard core though, like I should've been all summer. haha. Oops.


xox

Rest in Peace

Why is it always the nice people that die. Or bad things happen to. Why? I don't understand how some people continue to walk this earth, wreaking havoc; breaking hearts, killing, stealing, manipulating, lying. Just terrible things happening. And then some that do nothing; do nothing to deserve to die, do die. Why would God let bad things happen to people that don't deserve it.

I just don't understand. Is it bad that I have wished death upon someone before? I mean, I may not be so fixated on hating people so much anymore. But it doesn't mean I still don't wish those people a horrible life or an abundance of unhappiness. I know it's mean and I shouldn't, but it doesn't change that I still do. Call me a horrible person, whatever. But I just think the wrong things absolutely happen to the wrong people.

You might say, Well what deems you the person to say that they wrongfully died? OR that that person deserves pain?

I guess I can't say anything and only God can do something like that.


Death just confuses me sometimes, and leaves me wondering when my time will come. Even though I'm not afraid of it, just the randomness of it makes me wonder if I'll even live to see 35. I haven't done anything wrong or deserving of pain or unhappiness (not like I feel there are alot that actual do deserve it. I'm not THAT bad of a person).. It's just so random that it makes you wonder if you'll ever make it to when you want to.

Another death of someone I know/knew is a wake up call for me. I don't want to take anything for granted, or think "Eh, I'll talk to them in a couple days." or, "I'll catch up with them sometime soon." What the hell do you have to lose? What could be so important that you have to hold off? You don't know if that person going to be around. You just don't. So I think I'm going to really try hard to put myself in a different mind set especially when angry and think to myself, and even if it's depressing, "Don't take them for granted. Love while you still can. Talk to them without holding back, don't let grudges get in the way of action. Don't let what happened hold you back from what happens next." I just can't anymore. I can't keep taking so many things for granted. When people are suddenly dying out of nowhere, it gets you thinking. I never want to have a friend, or someone close die and all I can think of is, "I wish I could've.....". I never want to think that. I never want to wish I could say this, or could have done that. I don't want anyone else to do that to me either. I want to be able to say if someone passes that, I affected their life for the better. They're in a better place now. And that's it. I want others to feel the same way when I die. That's all I want to think. I don't want to think that there were so many things I didn't get to say, or do.
That can take a toll on someone, especially an obsessive, compulsive mind like mine. You couldn't imagine (or maybe you could) the kind of things I obsess about, and you wouldn't believe for how long. It eats my insides up. It tears my soul, to put it dramatically. It takes over my personality, and my life revolves around it. And something so unimportant as a stupid bitch gets into my head?! I cannot simply imagine what would happen if someone super close to me suddenly left. Just like Alec. I felt so bad that I couldn't have one last heart to heart before he died. Him and I were close the first couple years of high school, but by our Senior year, it was just passing by in the hallways saying hi. That's why I think if you know it's your time, it is your time. Maybe a couple days before he died, I saw him in the same place before third hour as I did every day, and that one particular day, he stopped me and instead of just saying hi, he gave me a big, bear Alec hug. He asked how I was, and that he missed seeing me every day for class. Maybe that's dumb to think he knew, but I'll never forget that. So maybe all I wish I could do is just say thank you. Thank you for noticing me, especially on the days that I felt invisible.


Don't let anything stop you from doing someone or seeing someone, because you never know when it could be your last talk with them. Or their last talk with you. To make this not so depressing.... I'm going to try not to let small things upset me.


Well, live your life. Live it the way you want, and hug people. Hug them. Just to do it. Get yourself out of bed and work out and take a run, eat healthier. Make yourself feel better about yourself. And to be honest, I really should be taking my own advice.
I think that's it. RIP Riley - for all those nonbelievers, he could be in a better place. Don't just think about him underground and staying there. He could be in a place called heaven.

Melissa & Tiffany Reunion

It had been a year since i had seen one of my closest friends, MELISSA!! I decided that I would go and see her because she was working all summer in Phoenix, and I was stuck in Prescott. Last week, I stayed with her for the whole week just about! After getting back from Mexico, my mom dropped me right off at Melissa's. We went shopping, tanned, swam, ATE, danced. It was so fun. And I really needed it. I needed to get out! I will include some pictures later in this post.

I have said previously I think that if it weren't for my friend Maddie, I wouldn't be as happy as i am right now, and be in the great relationship that I'm in right now. Well, if it weren't for mine and Melissa's reality show conversation one on one poolside my last night with her in Phoenix, my self esteem /other aspects of myself and relationships with others probably wouldn't have changed, and been on the road to recovery and getting better. Melissa is a psych major, and it is paying off. Haha. She might've used her own conventional ways - ahem, slapping me silly, literally. But it worked. I cried, and I vented. And she listened. Like a great friend does. She wasn't just a friend that day though, she was an unbiased party which is what I needed. Of course she didn't completely grill me the whole time; there were a few things that she actually agreed with me on and thought was "dumb" or "stupid" as I did. But uh, let me tell you there were quite a few things that she did grill me on. One being, trying to tell me there's no reason why a girl should feel insecure about themselves, and especially over someone else that doesn't compare, and isn't even worth wasting breath over. The way she put it was a way I needed to hear it. Strangely enough, when she said anything I wasn't upset. I cried, but it was more of embarassment and ..well. being ashamed; she put me in my place. I wish my boyfriend were there too, because I feel like she needed to slap him silly on a few things too. Only a few, though. It's mostly me. But hey, I'm working on it. and I can say without lying that I am already feeling better. It's hard, not to revert to my old mindset of going about *things*. It's hard. But I am getting better. It won't change overnight, but I'm working on it, and I haven't said anything to my boyfriend that "Rhymes with whipped cream", as Melissa said, haha. I do feel shitty sometimes, for the way I react about things. I mean I have reasons, but so does everyone. It was nice to talk to someone about it that wasn't just gonna tell me like, "Oh, you're right. She IS ugly." Or, "Yeah. He IS dumb. Why would he even bother?!" But give me a reason behind it. So, to reassure my mind that I'm not completely neurotic, or to assure that I was wrong. It was good. She is a gem. I know that after that week I spent with her and Sierra (her roommate, who I also went to high school with who is an absolute doll), I know her and I will be friends for a long time.. I just know it. She's just that important to me that I wouldn't let it be any other way.

Well. I am watching Sweet Home Alabama right now and damn does this movie hit the spot for heartstrings! Wish I had am an cuddlin' me right now.

Mexico 2011

HELLO! My family made another Summer trip to Mexico, just like last year's. Here are some photos from then:









As you can see in the first (sideways) picture, we encountered HORRENDOUS traffic at the border. My family isn't really into little weekend roadtrips; we're kindof the fly & go type. So we did a memorial day weekend trip, and wow - I don't think my family knew that everyone in Arizona goes to Mexico for Memorial Day! Haha! It was packed! Our hotel was also the hotel to be at for the younger crowd, as well. The radio station 98.3 was at our hotel the whole weekend blasting music by the pool, and it was just a big party. I only drank once the whole weekend, and it was with my mom and sister. Pretty eventful (not really) - and I was the only one tipsy! Haha...

A lot happened this weekend as far as progression. I don't even know if I should go into detail just because this blog really is public; my feelings and anguish is one thing to share about, no big - however, family issues I feel is something that I should probably keep private. So in a nutshell, I got off alot of stuff off my chest that has been built up pretty much all through high school, as well as just over the past couple months or so. Remember I mentioned my parents and their feelings on the revolution of teenagers (including myself)? Well we definitely discussed that. At this point, i am not really sure if it has done my family good. I feel like they are still going to be mad at me or whatever, but I definitely have more deserved freedom. When it comes to my boyfriend though, nothing's really changed. I bet if him and I were to go out when he finally moves back here, they'll still be calling me an hour after I leave asking where I am, what I'm doing, etc. If you've read far back enough, I've mentioned how his family has a reunion every year. Last year they invited me, and I wasn't able to go. Same as this year. I thought that you know, maybe after the *deep* discussion, they might be different and realize that, "hey. she's old enough now to make a decision and hang with who she wants." Nope. I'm not. my parents won't accept that I am smart enough to make decisions...smart decisions.

I'm obviously bitter. So i'm going to write a happier post now.

Mexico, again

Well my family has ventured again to Puerto Penasco (Rocky Point to Americans) for Memorial Day weekend. right now I can actually say i am BORED!

To Update, I am getting a root canal done tomorrow. To explain it short, my previous dentist in Arizona completely screwed up mine and the rest of my family's mouths. Really, though. But hey these dentists here are finding all the faults and they are miracle workers! And hard workers too, amazing!

My sister was especially immature today. I guess really she is just immature overall. Very. She was upset that I wanted to put on lotion to be smooth in the pictures we were going to take on the beach, so she stormed away and goes, "You better not put that stuff on, or else we're not going." Um, seriously? Yup it happened. So I was thinkin SCREW that, I will put on whatever the hell I want to put on. You know? So I did. And she went and got my mom, and I was no longer allowed to be in the pictures. Later though my mom yelled and made me come over to be in pictures. Sooo, to be even more immature, Later when we were looking at pictures by the pool she decided she wanted a picture by the pool. She goes, "take my picture by the pool." I'm thinkin, jeez you could've asked a little nicer so I said, maybe if you're nicer! She flipped a b*tch.. She said she was going to delete all the pictures she took of me. And I thought she was kidding, but today at lunch I took a picture of my mom and her together and I looked through them and she actually did! She deleted the pictures of me. I was so appalled, and I thought she might be a little more mature than that. Oh, well. Yes, that is my 21 year old sister for you...

Today was a pool day. I got extremely bored, too. I can't be at the pool all day, it sucks! That's why I enjoy fake tanning (even if it's bad for you I KNOW!!!) because the results are so much quicker and I hate laying out all day. It's so boring. I'd rather go on a hike, or rock climb or SOMETHING!

Last night I was supposed to go out and party and stuff with my brother and sister, but my sister and I fell asleep too long *napping*.. haha. We were way too pooped from the sun! I'm trying to think what else we've done here... there's been some pretty random conversations going on here in regards with family... Let me see if I can pull up a snippet of what I shared with Tyler in a message :

Gooood mornin. I woke up early and went down to the lobby, and in the process woke up the rest of my family so i do not have as much time as I would've wanted on here. By the way, wish Kyle congrats for me. Sorry I wasn't able to be there for his graduation. I was planning on going to the graduation because, well, for obvious reasons. but then my dad switched the mexico date. WOW. what a day that it's been. I told my brother all the stuff that's been going on in my life while him and i were waiting in the front of the hotel for my dad, mom and sister... how they won't let me and you hang out really and stuff. and then he was going nuts. and then somehow at dinner jason was saying something about the way they're treating me is.. and wouldn't finish his sentences because he couldn't believe what was going on. And something about curfew came up and that literally sent him over the edge and he was like YOU STILL HAVE A CURFEW?!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!??!?!?!?!?!? and I was even shocked how much this erked him. and my dad was like "Don't look at me, I'm still in Tucson..." (like he isnt' the one texting me at 10 asking where I am) and my mom didn't even say anything. It really helps to know that I'm not just one of those kids that is like, "MY PARENTS ARE SO MUCH HARDER ON ME AND DONT LET ME DO ANYTHING!!" - but really the parents do and the person is just a spoiled brat. This, I actually got as assurance that in fact my parents are indeed much harder on me. and the fact that my brother was so appalled - I think it helped. and even I asked my sister in the bathroom something and I told her to admit that mom and dad are harder on me, and she was like "they're hard on me too. i just spent my entire life trying to be the perfect child." and then i was like BUT tell me if you actually notice if theyre harder on me. And my sister FINALLY. finally admitted it! my GOD! I couldn't believe it. That is great fuel now for when I want to go out or something, haha. I don't know what to do anymore. I do feel a little less crazy of a person now than I did a week ago after all of this. My family has been on some crazy topics too on the way down here, and just at dinner and stuff. 

my brother thinks my mom needs therapy too. he thinks our whole fam could use it. i brought up the idea to my parents and I TOLD you they wouldn't care! 

So, that was a bigger "snippet" than I thought. But that is a big update of conversation that happened to be going on here. I am really enjoying my free time as I can, but at the same time I'm stressing out about school next year. I'm not quite sure what I want to do with my life. Heck, I just want to be happy. I want to be happy; I want my family to be happy and accepting of my choices, and I also want to just be HAPPY!. Wanna travel with friends, anyone. I just want to RELAX! Can college be over yet?!

I guess that's it for now, until I can think of something else. OH!!! Yes! I am going to be spending some time with one of my closest friends Melissa soon (SHOUT OUT TO YOU GIRL HEY!!) and I cannot wait. We're gonna have such a good time!

Mini- Dream Interpretation, no. 4

After I went on a run this morning, I came back home and I felt so, so sick. I thought I was going to throw up. I needed to lay down, and rest. So I did, and there are 2 things i remember right before I dozed off - it was like pre-dreaming, but it was still something i want to document since this whole week has been pretty shitty for me.

source: dreammoods.com

Meatballs
To make meatballs in your dream, indicate that a new idea is forming or a new project is taking shape.

Lace
To see lace in your dream, points to your sensuality and femininity. Alternatively, it denotes tradition and old fashioned ideals. Perhaps you are being overly practical in some area of your life.

I think I am being overly traditional. I agree, and that's where my new idea forms. Hey, if someone's dating someone and they can't stop looking at pictures of hot girls saying, "I just couldn't believe I went to high school with this *swimsuit* model" (sorry, Had to asterisk that because I was lead to believe she was into lingerie, but clearly I didn't look hard enough like someone else did.). If people can do that in relationships, then so can I! I am going to live more freely. I will not be "tied down". God, I'm not even married. I should be enjoying life, not acting like a settled down married wife when her "husband" is too busy looking at hotness on the web. Whatever. I'm definitely going to focus on more Me this summer, because I have definitely, lost who I am this past year or so. Writing is helping me right now. I think (or would like to think) I will be okay. Summer will be good for me. Food will be. Exercise. Fun. Life. Ah.

xox

Dream Interpretation, no. 3

I decided to publicly, for the third time share the interpretations of the dream I had before I woke up, because I know it's all about an issue that I am going to have to deal with and face.

source: dreammoods.com

Pregnant
To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Alternatively, if you are trying to get pregnant, then the dream may be a wish fulfillment. If you are not trying to get pregnant, but dream that you are, then it symbolizes fear of new responsibilities.


When it comes to this, I think I have been dreaming about this for a while because of the issues I've had with my mom since monday. When she confronted me back in January about being on the pill and doing the dirty, I was actually relieved. I thought I might finally have one of those mom-daughter relationships that I kind of always wanted. you know.. when the daughter and mom don't really have any secrets. I have always wanted that, but my parents haven't really allowed for that because of how highly unrealistic they always have been. On monday after my gynecologist appointment, I was really surprised how my mom was. She was totally okay to go get the pill and everything, and when I told her I wasn't comfortable using the certain one I got after reading the side effects online, she was okay with me switching. Yesterday we went to the Pharmacy to get it exchanged, and it was like Tuesday was the day for all hell to break loose.

Fainting
To dream that you are fainting, suggests your inability to confront some unconscious issues or feelings. You need to be more aware and acknowledge those feelings.

I refuse to confront my mom about how she was treating me yesterday, because I know she won't care. I know she won't.

Shark
To see a shark in your dream, indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps, you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality with these qualities.

This one was kindof like a "WHOA," to me. I know I'm going through something really emotional right now, but I didn't know I was affecting others, haha. Oops. I don't know. It's emotional because it's sad for me to know now that I can't really count on my parents for support. Basically, if I were to get pregant, my parents would either disown me, or ship me off to the Philippines. When it comes to the pill, I thought my mom was going to be understanding. You know, when I talked to the doctor, that wasn't actually the only reason I was needing to go back onto the pill again. I have had a couple issues with my body - one being, I have had intense pain in my stomach after doin "stuff", and it then recedes to my back end area. She said that is probably "endometriosis", and that the pill actually helps treat that. So I was relieved. I have also skipped a few periods which I know isn't right, and I also am getting pretty bad skin again - I swear it's like high school all over again (skin wise haha). Not to mention, every period that happens is like TORTURE. I almost throw up from pain, and I literally can't do anything. It really sucks. And I know what it's like to be on the pill, because I was on it for almost a year. It really, really helped my skin as well as my periods. I loved it. It wasn't until after I got off that I remembered how bad my periods used to be, ha.
As the shark interpretation says, I am definitely struggling with independence. For sure. I am struggling with alot of aspects of wanting my parents to treat me like a decent human being and treat me with respect. Just because I have done something that is completely naturally human, they treat me like I'm the slut child and I haven't done anything right in life.

Feeding
To dream that you are feeding someone, indicates that someone in your life is in need of love and acceptance. That someone could be an aspect of yourself.

Yeah ... haha. In my dream I was on a rocky boat, feeding a shark talking to my mom. I don't remember specifics, but hey that's good enough. I think the person that my dream is telling me that needs love and acceptance, is me. I have never felt so alone as I do now. Even though I know I have friends, a loving boyfriend, and all of his family to support me, it doesn't mean anything really if I know my own family won't even support me. I thought it might be different if I start opening up and being honest and truthful to my mom, but it didn't. It went right back at me, and made me feel pretty shitty. No matter where we go, she finds a way to tie me having sex and society being terrible into what is going on at that very moment. When is this all going to stop?! She embarrasses me, and makes me feel like shit. I don't deserve the way she is treating me at all. All I really wanted was to feel like I would have the support of one of the most important people in my life, and I don't. Instead, she's walking all over me. She talks to whoever she can publicly, causing a scene.
"I don't understand the kids these days."
"Society is much different now."
"I'm ashamed to have to come here with my daughter buying this for her. You know, Tiffany, you are on your own after this. Find your own way to pay for these every month after this month because I don't support this, and I won't condone it."

How the hell does she think that makes me feel?

Boat
To dream that you are in or see a boat, signifies your ability to cope with and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether it is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself. The dream could be telling you not to rock the boat and to stay out of harm's way.

I'm not ready to confront my mom. I wish I was. But I guess in the meantime, I'll have to deal with her and her embarassing me, and making me feel worthless in public more. It sucks, but hey what can you do.

Bridesmaids

Don't worry, I'm not getting married.

I just had to say that BRIDESMAIDS was seriously one of the funniest movies I have ever seen! This might actually be the first movie that I have seen that I don't get bored at some point. Even if a movie is good, I am just so ADD that if there isn't excitement the whole time I will yawn a few times or look at my phone. But oh, no not this one. Laughed probably every 20 seconds on average, and to make it even better, my luck - the movie starts with an awkward 1 minute long sex scene, and I went and saw the movie with BOTH my mom and my boyfriend .hahahah Good times.

Anyway, PLEASE go see the movie. If you need someone to see it with you, I will gladly go again! it is really THAT funny.






now, the girl on the far left is my favorite. she MAKES the movie.




XOX

First Gyno Appointment

So my mom must've been having one of those crazy lady moods earlier today, because today she had to take me to the gyno (super awk by the way...) and then after that she was super nice. I mean, aside all of the "IT'S CHEAPER TO ABSTAIN" (opposed to the pill) and all those remarks, hey. she's a mom. She needs time to adjust.

I had my first gynecologist appointment today. It was strange and very, very awkward. When the gyno lady was down there, I even asked her, "Does this ever get awkward for you?" And she laughed and said, "I see this all day! I'd think its more awkward for you!!"

Obviously.

My gynecologist also before sticking some cold, gel covered metal inside my treasure chest, decided to give me a lecture on abstaining and why I should've. It's all really a blur since most of it I was trying to make go in one ear and out the other. She made clear points though how she has not once met someone that has waited till they were married to have sex if they regretted it. Haha. It's like LADY... WHAT do you expect me to do now?! What is the point of even telling me that?! She also said that waiting till after your married instills that trust/bond. She asked me if me and my boyfriend were serious, I go, "Well yeah. We've been dating for almost 2 and a half years." So clearly that meant nothing because she goes, "So, yeah, if you do end up marrying him, good. But what if he has business trips and is away for along time? You can't expect him to keep his pants up for too long since he didn't do the same for you." What the hell kind of analogy is that?! I was raised well, my mom did a good job. So I knew not to snap back at this sadly twisted woman. It was major mind bogglage. She was really, really nice though. And to be completley honest I was totally expecting that lecture, because a friend of mine has the same gynecologist and warned me that the woman was going to say some crazy things to me. Haha. So, in all fairness I was warned.

Well, what a day.


xox

The Original Purpose

The reason why I first started this blog was because I was wanting it to be the diary that my parents would never find. If you've read my blog since probaby the beginning, you'd know my parents read my diaries in high school, and I never wrote again. So about a year and a half ago, I started this blog because I knew that writing was a really good outlet for me; it really helps me vent out my problems so my best friends don't have to hear me complaining all the time!

So, I'm bringing this back to it's original purpose. It'll get personal, just warning you, but hey it's for me. I know it's public, so I won't get angry that people read it because I am literally publicizing it for the entire world to see anytime they want; but, if you judge me, don't do it here. It's my own personal thoughts and I can't help it if I am mean sometimes. Everyone is.

With that said, here I go. I am not spoiled. At all. I never ask for anything, and I save up money to buy things I want. Until I moved to Tempe, I never bought anything for myself. I finally, finally started splurging with my own money when I got here. Then, with money I got every week for whatever I saved a little too.

Maybe I have horrible memory, but I really, honestly don't remember the last time I really *asked* for anything from my parents. So today, I asked them if I could get a book to download to the Kindle (was my mom's but she said I can use it.) My dad says, "Yeah, sure, if it's a book you absolutely need." and my mom blows up and starts yelling at me : "All you do is ask for this - you just take" I don't even know where the hell this came from.
So next thing I know, it's like old times when I used to be here during my high school days, arguing pointlessly with my mom. She can make me feel so bad sometimes, and all I do is just go to my room and cry.  I'm done calling people like my best friend to have her listen to why I'm crying this time. It got so into habit with me calling Eydn. It really made me feel so loved though when no matter what was going on, Eydn could literally be in the middle of a family dinner and she would leave and go to the bathroom to talk to me. And would talk till I felt better. Her family probably thought she was rude, but she didn't care. All that was important to her at that moment was to make me feel better, and she always knew/knows what to say to do just that.

Anyway, same thing happened today. My mom makes me feel like some spoiled child that buys whatever necessary with their parent's credit card, but honestly; most of the time, I'm scared to ask for anything, even if I deseprately need it. The only things I have really ever "asked" about pertains to violin. And even then, I try and spread it out for awhile so it's not so frequent. They have this idea in their head that I am this ungrateful, spoiled person who only cares about themself, but I am not. I asked for a book today. an $11 book. A fucking book. And i get bitched out for it. God damn, I can't wait to go back to Tempe and feel a sense of independence again.


OH!!! And then afterwards, I get into it with BOTH of my parents. Turns out that no matter how many times I drive down to Phoenix with them, could be two times this summer, could be 11. No matter how many times I drive down with them to Phoenix for practice before I go back to Tempe, I will NOT drive there at all, alone. Never. Not until I finally leave. Can't they just let me go!? Please?! I am almost 19, I am not 5 anymore. I haven't felt like this in so long. It sucks. It really does. I sometimes envy my friend's parents; some of their parents have so much trust in them, and have fucking accepted they are adults. My parents never will. Ever.

First Week of Teaching

I never blogged about this, but I recently got a job as a violin clinician at Tempe High School! I was SO excited when I found out. It pays really well too which is definitely a plus, however I am not honestly doing it for the money. Their budget is a little low, and I actually told the director that I will still come in anyway to help, even if there is no more $$ :) I love teaching!!!

Anyway, my first week of teaching. What I go over, or have been is mostly technique. It's really common in especially middle schools and in many cases high school, where the technique is just... not there haha. Soo, I decided everyone in the class was going to have a beauuutiful bow arm and bow hand! :) There's so much more to work on, but I figured that would be the best thing to start out with.

Another thing I like is the kids are really, really nice. And they respect me! I mean, on Friday there were two that I haven't worked with before that were pretty rambunctious, but what can you do? I dealt with it though, and hopefully will continue not to lose my cool.

I was really scared at first, because I've never really taken charge of an entire classroom before, especially a classroom full of people I've never met in my life. It turned out really good though. My first day I was so scared - but by the second time everyone already seemed to be improving, which totally made my day. So it was alot more fun to know that what i was saying was sinking in! :)

Well, that's about it for my teaching update. My studio recital is also tomorrow evening, and I'm really excited to play. I just hope I can play well...


HAPPY SATURDAY!!

xox

Easter Sunday

happy easter to all.



google



What a day it will be! My mom is the best cook, and she knows it - she always loves to cook for others, too. :) So, not by surprise, the realtors who sold us this place in Tucson are friends of my parents now and their family will be here for easter, as well as my sister's boyfriend's family. It will be nice to have company.

Yesterday, I was going to have a lazy day in, because honestly I just wasn't motivated to do anything (factoring in with the time of the month; I swear it controls everything)... but then my sister finally convinced me to leave the house with her. Ha well, we ended up not coming back till night time, just because of shopping. At least we burned some calories, right? :) Earlier that day though I did bring my violin in to some old European violin maker/fixer. It's going to be nice and pretty by the time it's my recital! SO excited.

I hope everyone enjoys their Easter, and I hope my days as well as yours get a little brighter.

xox

Not Home, But Sweet

I'm blogging from Tucson!

I never like going to Tucson, but this trip has been good so far. I swear though; whenever it comes to a fashion topic, my sister I don't know why thinks she is the fashion expert and can never be wrong.

Usually I have such a boring time while I'm here, but we'll see...

Old friends, new friends...

I cannot express how much I love the new people I have met in college. There are some really, really, talented and friendly people. Some of these people I know I will stay in touch with for a long, long time. With this said, I also have people that I've known since even middle school, that I miss so much.

Just tonight, one of my closest friends just decided to give me a call, because she felt like it. This might sound lame or something, but it really made my day. To know someone just wanted to talk to me, catch up - was really heartwarming. So we talked and talked. She is definitely one of those people that I think I'll know for a long time :-)

My friend circles have also changed so much since high school. I remember in high school, I had multiple groups of friends, and I liked the feeling of popularity. Why lie... Not to say I like being secluded and isolated or something now, but, I just don't feel the need to have to know everyone personally that I see. Since I came to ASU, my mindset was different, as well as what was important to me. The most important worry I had in high school was if I was getting to play practice on time. Now, I'm worrying about permanent grades. Succeeding. Making my parents and my teacher proud. So I only have a few friends now, and I've lost touch with many of my friends from high school. I like who I know now though, and if it's meant to be, I feel somehow I will reconnect with some of the others that I lost touch with.

I am content now.

My Favorite

Thursdays are probably my favorite days. I think it is because I have violin lessons, and I get out super, super early!
I really have to get buzzin on my practice, however I am feeling alot more relieved. This might not mean alot to you non-music people, but I just found out today that the various scales I'd have to learn all have the same fingering (not a gross word. "Fingering" is what you call certain passages with fingers in violin and most instruments..) ! It was an exciting revelation for me.

I spilled out months of ventilation all in one post recently, and I just finished re-reading it. Talk about bottled up! Such a hard time. All I have to do is hope that everything is going to turn out okay. Which i will do. We've obviously talked and all since then; I just still have that feeling, like light tugging at my brain that won't let me forget anything, especially things I want to forget.

All I can really do at this point is hope.

Dream Interpretation, no. 2

I had quite the strange dream, but it also brought lots of insight through dreammoods.com...

The following I decided to look up in the dictionary:

Tiger
To see a tiger in your dream, represents power and your ability to exert it in various situations. The dream may also indicate that you need to take more of a leadership role. Alternatively, the tiger represents female sexuality, aggression, and seduction.

To dream that you are attacked by a tiger, symbolizes repressed feelings or emotions that you are frightened of.

Frame
To frame a picture in your dream, represents a wish to have a current situation or relationship remain the same as it is now. You dread change. Consider what is depicted on the picture for additional significance.

To see a frame in your dream, represents limitations and boundaries. You or someone else may be putting restrictions on you. Alternatively, it symbolizes vanity. The dream may be a pun on being "framed" for something you did not do.

Boulder
To see a boulder in your dream, symbolizes a major obstacle and problem in some component of your life.

Rock Climbing
To dream that you are rock climbing, symbolizes your struggle, determination and ambition. You are not any letting obstacles get in the way of your goal.

Library
To dream that you are in a library, signifies your search for knowledge and your hunger for ideas. If the library is disorganized, then it suggests that too much information is coming at you at the same time. You are having difficulty sorting it all out.



Well! That might've seemed extremely random to you... Tiger, frame, rock climbing, boulder, library.. But it kindof all makes sense to me, especially since it reflects on a certain situation. You all probably know who and what anyway, haha. Something that took a huge toll over me this entire weekend, which it shouldn't have in the first place because everything was blown extremely out of proportion.

I don't know what to do. With all this information, my dream is tellng me this about each---

Tiger: power and ability to exert in certain situations - I was extremely fired up in an argument yesterday..yelling, all that. I had so much anger and aggression. It was the only way to protect myself it seemed, or to get my point across.
attacked by a tiger... repressed feelings - Yeah, definitely had a lot of those. I felt like everything I was saying yesterday was getting shut down. I kept being told I don't listen, when he wasn't doing much listening either. It was so hard.

Frame: picture frame - It was so weird. In my dream, my dad told me the tiger wasn't real, so he literally threw the tiger and then it became small, fake, and in a frame. From the interpretation, I believe this is also, as all these, dealing with my relationship. The dream interpretations says I dread change, (which is true), and I wish for everything to remain the same. That isn't true.. partially. I wish things were how they were when him and I first started dating. He used to want to hang out with me... not put me for last and hang out with everyone first if we were fighting. He used to care to fix things. That was one of the biggest things I liked so much about him was because when I was stubborn and mad, he was there, still, trying to fix it, talk to me. He was understanding, caring - even if we were mad at each other. It's all changed now. It's not like that anymore. I wish we could go back to how it was in the beginning. What made it change? Did we change each other?

Boulder: major obstacle, problem in waking life - yeah, this is true. It was a major, MAJOR problem yesterday. He isn't even sure if we should fix it. Why should I bother listening to anything he is yelling at me if he told me straight up he has never been able to say how he has felt, ever, during this whole relationship. Our whole relationship is a lie then. I always thought that was one of the strengths of our relationship. That we could talk to each other, tell each other how we were feeling. I feel like everything that was ever said to me has been a lie this whole time now. I don't know what to do. I feel so hurt.

Rock Climbing: struggle, determination, not letting obstacles get in the way of goal - Maybe this is partially right. For a while I wasn't going to let anything make it fall apart, but I feel in such defeat that it really isn't worth even trying to fix anymore. He's obviously given up, and I am so confused what to do. All I ever wanted for was him to care, unconditionally. Not just when we're happy, but even when we're upset. It used to be that way, but I think I just realized it hasn't been that way for a long time.

Library: Disorganized library - Too much information was being thrown at me yesterday. All that he was saying just made me want to shut him up. I didn't need to listen anymore. It really got to me this time. With the stuff he said, I realized I didn't need to listen to anything else he needed to say, because I basically got the important information I needed. I don't get the feeling there is 100% commitment. It's like everytime we argue, it turns into this sob fest where he can't say anything, and feels like he wants to die. I can do without the drama, and let's get the real issue.

I have so much to think about. And even worse, he has to take me down to Tempe today. Great. More opportunity to hurt me. I have to find my iPod, otherwise I don't know how I'll make it down to Tempe without hurting someone, haha.
I wish someone could just tell me what to do. Because if someone says, (and has) "I think you guys need a break", I can't do it. I'm not strong enough. I like to think that when I tell him that I'm done with it, that I really am. But I'm not. I bet today he'll end up saying that things will change, or it will get better. Or that he loves me. Or even sorry. Sorry isn't good enough, and hasn't been for a while. I guess what I've always wanted most was to feel cared for, and I do when we're good. But when we're not, I feel like scum. What terrible things did I do to deserve how I'm treated when we're mad at each other? Even when we are mad at each other, I have never put him off. Ever. I always prioritize, and especially when we're arguing I will prioritize even more to make it better. I don't get that same simple courtesy back, and I'm tired of it. I was put off 2 days in a row, because he wanted to eat food, and hang out with his friends. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? It hurt me so much, that I was so willing to just fix it all, and he would rather hang out with his friends. Last night, I was planning to hang out with friends because I was tired of just moping around. I ended up having to call Tyler because he had a few things of mine that I needed for both today and yesterday (that including my dorm room keys) and that's when our yelling started. And it just got worse. and he didn't care. Not at all. I decided I couldn't go to my friend's house anymore because I looked horrible. I wasted all that time getting ready, and putting makeup on (which i don't do anymore rarely) to go have a good time, and I ended up sitting in my car in the Abia Judd Elementary school parking lot, crying. Sobbing. I cried and cried. I hoped so badly, that even after we got off the phone, that he'd care enough to come see me or something. Or text me. Anything. I got nothing. I sat there, called my best friend and she made me feel alot better temporarily. As always, I gave in and I called him when I got home and then texted. You know what I got? He turned off his phone. It hurt me even more. I don't know why I'm so weak... Why do I always have to say something first? God... all I want is to just feel cared for! Even when it's bad. Even when he feels like he wants to break something, talk to me. Don't ignore me and act like I don't exist. Don't treat me like I've never done anything for you. I could list off what i feel I've done for him, but what is the point of all that. Nothing at all. It wouldn't benefit anyone, except me for maybe 4 minutes to feel better, but then I'd just feel sad again.
On top of that, I'm not like him. He sleeps like a baby, no matter what. Me.. If there are problems, I can't go to bed well, at all. I probably woke up every hour or so the whole night, and I woke up with the worst headache of my life and Japanese girl eyes (I can say 'Japanese girl eyes' because I'm part asian. otherwise you all could deem this racist). I got a text from him at 3 in the morning saying he'd give me a ride. My hope was so far fetched. He was out with is friends till 3 in the morning. He wasn't ever going to come see me, or even give me the courtesy of a phone call. Not at all.

I know what I should do, but I can't. I'm not strong enough.