Why is it always the nice people that die. Or bad things happen to. Why? I don't understand how some people continue to walk this earth, wreaking havoc; breaking hearts, killing, stealing, manipulating, lying. Just terrible things happening. And then some that do nothing; do nothing to deserve to die, do die. Why would God let bad things happen to people that don't deserve it.
I just don't understand. Is it bad that I have wished death upon someone before? I mean, I may not be so fixated on hating people so much anymore. But it doesn't mean I still don't wish those people a horrible life or an abundance of unhappiness. I know it's mean and I shouldn't, but it doesn't change that I still do. Call me a horrible person, whatever. But I just think the wrong things absolutely happen to the wrong people.
You might say, Well what deems you the person to say that they wrongfully died? OR that that person deserves pain?
I guess I can't say anything and only God can do something like that.
Death just confuses me sometimes, and leaves me wondering when my time will come. Even though I'm not afraid of it, just the randomness of it makes me wonder if I'll even live to see 35. I haven't done anything wrong or deserving of pain or unhappiness (not like I feel there are alot that actual do deserve it. I'm not THAT bad of a person).. It's just so random that it makes you wonder if you'll ever make it to when you want to.
Another death of someone I know/knew is a wake up call for me. I don't want to take anything for granted, or think "Eh, I'll talk to them in a couple days." or, "I'll catch up with them sometime soon." What the hell do you have to lose? What could be so important that you have to hold off? You don't know if that person going to be around. You just don't. So I think I'm going to really try hard to put myself in a different mind set especially when angry and think to myself, and even if it's depressing, "Don't take them for granted. Love while you still can. Talk to them without holding back, don't let grudges get in the way of action. Don't let what happened hold you back from what happens next." I just can't anymore. I can't keep taking so many things for granted. When people are suddenly dying out of nowhere, it gets you thinking. I never want to have a friend, or someone close die and all I can think of is, "I wish I could've.....". I never want to think that. I never want to wish I could say this, or could have done that. I don't want anyone else to do that to me either. I want to be able to say if someone passes that, I affected their life for the better. They're in a better place now. And that's it. I want others to feel the same way when I die. That's all I want to think. I don't want to think that there were so many things I didn't get to say, or do.
That can take a toll on someone, especially an obsessive, compulsive mind like mine. You couldn't imagine (or maybe you could) the kind of things I obsess about, and you wouldn't believe for how long. It eats my insides up. It tears my soul, to put it dramatically. It takes over my personality, and my life revolves around it. And something so unimportant as a stupid bitch gets into my head?! I cannot simply imagine what would happen if someone super close to me suddenly left. Just like Alec. I felt so bad that I couldn't have one last heart to heart before he died. Him and I were close the first couple years of high school, but by our Senior year, it was just passing by in the hallways saying hi. That's why I think if you know it's your time, it is your time. Maybe a couple days before he died, I saw him in the same place before third hour as I did every day, and that one particular day, he stopped me and instead of just saying hi, he gave me a big, bear Alec hug. He asked how I was, and that he missed seeing me every day for class. Maybe that's dumb to think he knew, but I'll never forget that. So maybe all I wish I could do is just say thank you. Thank you for noticing me, especially on the days that I felt invisible.
Don't let anything stop you from doing someone or seeing someone, because you never know when it could be your last talk with them. Or their last talk with you. To make this not so depressing.... I'm going to try not to let small things upset me.
Well, live your life. Live it the way you want, and hug people. Hug them. Just to do it. Get yourself out of bed and work out and take a run, eat healthier. Make yourself feel better about yourself. And to be honest, I really should be taking my own advice.
I think that's it. RIP Riley - for all those nonbelievers, he could be in a better place. Don't just think about him underground and staying there. He could be in a place called heaven.
No comments:
Post a Comment