The reason why I first started this blog was because I was wanting it to be the diary that my parents would never find. If you've read my blog since probaby the beginning, you'd know my parents read my diaries in high school, and I never wrote again. So about a year and a half ago, I started this blog because I knew that writing was a really good outlet for me; it really helps me vent out my problems so my best friends don't have to hear me complaining all the time!
So, I'm bringing this back to it's original purpose. It'll get personal, just warning you, but hey it's for me. I know it's public, so I won't get angry that people read it because I am literally publicizing it for the entire world to see anytime they want; but, if you judge me, don't do it here. It's my own personal thoughts and I can't help it if I am mean sometimes. Everyone is.
With that said, here I go. I am not spoiled. At all. I never ask for anything, and I save up money to buy things I want. Until I moved to Tempe, I never bought anything for myself. I finally, finally started splurging with my own money when I got here. Then, with money I got every week for whatever I saved a little too.
Maybe I have horrible memory, but I really, honestly don't remember the last time I really *asked* for anything from my parents. So today, I asked them if I could get a book to download to the Kindle (was my mom's but she said I can use it.) My dad says, "Yeah, sure, if it's a book you absolutely need." and my mom blows up and starts yelling at me : "All you do is ask for this - you just take" I don't even know where the hell this came from.
So next thing I know, it's like old times when I used to be here during my high school days, arguing pointlessly with my mom. She can make me feel so bad sometimes, and all I do is just go to my room and cry. I'm done calling people like my best friend to have her listen to why I'm crying this time. It got so into habit with me calling Eydn. It really made me feel so loved though when no matter what was going on, Eydn could literally be in the middle of a family dinner and she would leave and go to the bathroom to talk to me. And would talk till I felt better. Her family probably thought she was rude, but she didn't care. All that was important to her at that moment was to make me feel better, and she always knew/knows what to say to do just that.
Anyway, same thing happened today. My mom makes me feel like some spoiled child that buys whatever necessary with their parent's credit card, but honestly; most of the time, I'm scared to ask for anything, even if I deseprately need it. The only things I have really ever "asked" about pertains to violin. And even then, I try and spread it out for awhile so it's not so frequent. They have this idea in their head that I am this ungrateful, spoiled person who only cares about themself, but I am not. I asked for a book today. an $11 book. A fucking book. And i get bitched out for it. God damn, I can't wait to go back to Tempe and feel a sense of independence again.
OH!!! And then afterwards, I get into it with BOTH of my parents. Turns out that no matter how many times I drive down to Phoenix with them, could be two times this summer, could be 11. No matter how many times I drive down with them to Phoenix for practice before I go back to Tempe, I will NOT drive there at all, alone. Never. Not until I finally leave. Can't they just let me go!? Please?! I am almost 19, I am not 5 anymore. I haven't felt like this in so long. It sucks. It really does. I sometimes envy my friend's parents; some of their parents have so much trust in them, and have fucking accepted they are adults. My parents never will. Ever.
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