I would just like to say that I love love. Yes, I realize the tone of this is already starting off completely different than most of my posts as of recent. But I really do. It amazes me the power it has on someone, anyone. It affects their entire perspective, their way of living. I think the month of June and I suppose May as well were kind of low points for me this year. It really shows me now where I am in a regular state of mind just how powerful love can be and what it can do to you, for better and for worse. It's like a pill that if I don't have it, I can't function. Or it can literally drive you insane. Thinking of every outcome, every possible situation that you could be in just to prepare yourself for the worst. Making your mind wander into dark places that really is just making you feel worse, and feel less of a person.
Now that I have been reading more about the Keirsey personality profiles, the ENFJ profile has been helping me understand how I see myself in a relationship. It brings more clarity to read that I'm not insane for putting other's needs before mine (not trying to be self righteous here, I literally will put any of my friend's needs before mine especially a s.o. ) and that it is part of my temperament to be a people pleaser. It also helps me realize that I need to start paying attention to myself more often and remember that I have needs too. Haha.
That's what makes people love each other in the first place, I think. They see you and all the things that make you, you. What food you like, how you react in situations, how your personality compliments theirs, common interests. If I forget what makes me how I am, then what could I possibly offer in a positive way to a relationship? You don't want to become the same person as who you're with; it's that combination of similarities and differences that brought you two together.
That was a point that was made when I had a heart to heart with the bf over the weekend. He wants me to voice my opinions more and what I want. It wasn't that easy though; I got to a place emotionally where I felt too scared to even say that I wanted to see him, because I thought he would just say no. I didn't want to smother him, or be on this higher level of love and commitment than him. And once we both got out in the air what our current anxieties of the relationship were, I know that I felt just a huge breath of relief and I could tell he did too.
One thing I felt so bad about about was I accidentally let it slip out that I had made reservations to take him to dinner and everything which I didn't ever plan on telling him. Yeah, I was upset that he didn't want to see me but I just wanted him to have a good birthday and it be on his terms whatever he wanted to do. After my dance performance he was weird and funky and I immediately thought, oh shit please not again we were starting to do so well and now he's back to being weird and depressed and not feeling it. Him feeling bad about "ruining" my birthday plans for him opened up all these repressed anxieties we were both having about the relationship and it was such a relief. I even had the courage to tell him that I thought he wasn't in love with me anymore and it sucked to hear myself say it out loud, but I wanted him to know how I felt.
Basically, by the end of our hour and 45 minute conversation in my car, we decided to say goodbye and we didn't want to leave each other. It was like old times. He even said he would miss me. I hadn't heard that in a long time. Ever since then, we have been back to our old selves, sending stupid photos and updating throughout the day. I am not holding back with asking to hang out, and it is so refreshing. It's nice to feel wanted again and loved. While it's not 100% back to where it was, it is pretty damn close. Like a world's difference from even two weeks ago. I can't believe I have the old boyfriend back. He even changed his plans to be able to see me on the 4th of July which was shocking, I even told him to not worry about changing his camping trip but he did anyway. He is also going to Hawaii too to visit me, and I am so so excited.
On a separate note, I have my surgery scheduled for a week from Monday. Finally this sucker is coming out. I wonder if it has been the cause of the years of abdominal pain I've had. If it all goes away, that'll be amazing. If not, turns out Accutane did fuck up my body.
I also got my first credit card bill back. Holy shit, I spent money so fast. :(
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Three Days or Eternity
Last night after ballroom class, David and I hung out and he let me drive his new 350Z. I was surprised that I still somehow remember how to drive stick shift. It was exhilarating, even if I was only going 7mph in the parking lot. I sweat up a fucking storm too at the class. My friends thought I was joking when I said that you will leave dripping in sweat; we ALL were. Then the teacher said she was going to pick a winner for the best samba, and couldn't choose a winner so she chose three - I was one of them! It was such a confidence booster. Also, it helped that when this other woman Caroline was asked to demonstrate, my friend was like "Just so you know you look 7x sexier when you do that". I laughed out loud like during this woman's demonstration; felt so bad. It's weird how like some of my guy friends say the most forward things, but I know it doesn't mean anything. And then I have some guy friends that could literally just brush my shoulder differently and a radar goes off. Isn't that strange how intuition works? For the most part, mine has been pretty spot on.
Saturday night my friends took me out for my birthday, and I got drunk before I even left the house. We were all taking shots (I took 5, bad choice) and ended up so drunk and didn't order one drink once we were out. I had a blast, and then afterwards I had the bf come pick us up, I just didn't feel right. Two people who I was supposed to trust were being super handsy with me, and it didn't even piss me off - it actually hurt my feelings. These are my close guy friends, and they're supposed to be people that I trust and also respect me. That night I felt like they didn't have respect for me, or for my relationship OR for that matter, my boyfriend. This is someone that they have hung out with before. Anyway, the whole situation just angers me.
I sit here on I think what is day 3 now of not speaking to the bf. We decided this. I need to keep reminding myself that I am the one that initially brought this up. I wanted the space, for him. I knew he would benefit from it. I'm just so fucking scared that at the end of this week I will lose it all.
I made him a fucking adorable birthday card today. I have had this idea stuck in my head for MONTHS and I finally made it today. I decided that even if he doesn't want to be with me, I still want him to have the card and the birthday gift from me. The card has some mush in it, but it is pretty funny and I know he would like it regardless. Just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I will stop caring about him or not want him to have a good birthday. I know he will just love his gift too. This is not me getting carried away; I have already thought of the best possible outcome of the week and the worst, and I am of course preparing myself for the worst more. Out of fear. Since I am such a chicken with my feelings.
I miss him so much. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I see this in two different ways. Either the absence makes you miss each other more, or you get used to that void and you're like ok, I could do this. This is not bad. I hope it isn't the latter for him. I feel so preachy and whiny talking about this. I can't help it though.
I planned a birthday gathering for myself and I don't even feel like having it. I don't feel like entertaining. I might just cancel it.
Well, back to Mad Men. Maybe I can finish the entire season tonight. I have finished 4 seasons in 1 week and a half. That is called a problem.
Saturday night my friends took me out for my birthday, and I got drunk before I even left the house. We were all taking shots (I took 5, bad choice) and ended up so drunk and didn't order one drink once we were out. I had a blast, and then afterwards I had the bf come pick us up, I just didn't feel right. Two people who I was supposed to trust were being super handsy with me, and it didn't even piss me off - it actually hurt my feelings. These are my close guy friends, and they're supposed to be people that I trust and also respect me. That night I felt like they didn't have respect for me, or for my relationship OR for that matter, my boyfriend. This is someone that they have hung out with before. Anyway, the whole situation just angers me.
I sit here on I think what is day 3 now of not speaking to the bf. We decided this. I need to keep reminding myself that I am the one that initially brought this up. I wanted the space, for him. I knew he would benefit from it. I'm just so fucking scared that at the end of this week I will lose it all.
I made him a fucking adorable birthday card today. I have had this idea stuck in my head for MONTHS and I finally made it today. I decided that even if he doesn't want to be with me, I still want him to have the card and the birthday gift from me. The card has some mush in it, but it is pretty funny and I know he would like it regardless. Just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I will stop caring about him or not want him to have a good birthday. I know he will just love his gift too. This is not me getting carried away; I have already thought of the best possible outcome of the week and the worst, and I am of course preparing myself for the worst more. Out of fear. Since I am such a chicken with my feelings.
I miss him so much. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I see this in two different ways. Either the absence makes you miss each other more, or you get used to that void and you're like ok, I could do this. This is not bad. I hope it isn't the latter for him. I feel so preachy and whiny talking about this. I can't help it though.
I planned a birthday gathering for myself and I don't even feel like having it. I don't feel like entertaining. I might just cancel it.
Well, back to Mad Men. Maybe I can finish the entire season tonight. I have finished 4 seasons in 1 week and a half. That is called a problem.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Space
The space never scared me. I am the one that suggested space, weeks ago. But he is right; we haven't really honored that at all because we keep dancing together, being in social situations together, when we aren't ready to be back to start being a couple again. I keep saying we, I'm ready. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and I have been. So I guess I should be saying "him". He is not ready, and needs to decompress from it all. That is completely fine.
What scares me is I feel like I am always one step ahead in this. I knew I loved him before he loved me, I see things between us before he does, and then I call it out and want to talk about it. I have been so willing and so ready to make it work and tried everything to make it better. Again I feel like I've said this before, but it's not like he treats me badly. There's just nothing at all. I'm not special anymore. I don't feel loved.
What scares me is that after this "space" of a week, what if it isn't all better? He's just going to give up and call it quits? I don't need a time stamp; we made one just because we decided on that but what if it takes him longer than a week and he doesn't know that? And then he just drops me. And ends it. It will break me. That is what scares me. I am afraid to be a hopeless romantic and believe that at the end of this week, on my birthday, that he will decide to drive to Prescott and surprise me and say, "Let's make this work." Best case scenario that would be the best birthday present. I don't even want something tangible. I just want a commitment that we are going to try and be better partners in this relationship. What if this week doesn't give him enough time to process all that and give it another chance? I know that I can be a better girlfriend to him. Before, I didn't accept that I couldn't be a fixer and not know everything. It was foreign to me and so unlike any situation I've been a part of. But I realize now that I can't control everything; and if he just communicates to me that he needs space to himself I am okay with that. These times when he needs space and it has nothing to do with me, I am okay with giving him space just as long as he lets me know it isn't anything about me. Just simple communication.
It's strange, I think communication is our strength and our weakness. I've never been able to open up and talk to him and just resolve issues about my life and everything with anyone else like him. When he is in boyfriend mode, he is close to perfect.
I'm just afraid. I am so afraid he doesn't see what we have, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to. I want to be positive and just trust it and think, yes... he will remember what we had and then want to come back. But what if I get all my hopes up this week, just for him to crush me at the end of the week, on or after or before my birthday?
Please god or whoever is up there. Give me strength to accept whatever he decides. Even after writing that, it sounds like such a surrender. I am not ready to give up yet. That is the problem. I want to do what he wants, and I can't force him to be with me. That's just what is breaking me most, is the thought that at the end of this week he might think it's not worth it. Even throughout all of this, all the anxiety and sadness has been in hopes that we will work it out. Please god help him remember the good that comes from us being together. He has made me the happiest anyone ever has, in every way. Help him remember that I can make him happy again too if he lets me back in.
What scares me is I feel like I am always one step ahead in this. I knew I loved him before he loved me, I see things between us before he does, and then I call it out and want to talk about it. I have been so willing and so ready to make it work and tried everything to make it better. Again I feel like I've said this before, but it's not like he treats me badly. There's just nothing at all. I'm not special anymore. I don't feel loved.
What scares me is that after this "space" of a week, what if it isn't all better? He's just going to give up and call it quits? I don't need a time stamp; we made one just because we decided on that but what if it takes him longer than a week and he doesn't know that? And then he just drops me. And ends it. It will break me. That is what scares me. I am afraid to be a hopeless romantic and believe that at the end of this week, on my birthday, that he will decide to drive to Prescott and surprise me and say, "Let's make this work." Best case scenario that would be the best birthday present. I don't even want something tangible. I just want a commitment that we are going to try and be better partners in this relationship. What if this week doesn't give him enough time to process all that and give it another chance? I know that I can be a better girlfriend to him. Before, I didn't accept that I couldn't be a fixer and not know everything. It was foreign to me and so unlike any situation I've been a part of. But I realize now that I can't control everything; and if he just communicates to me that he needs space to himself I am okay with that. These times when he needs space and it has nothing to do with me, I am okay with giving him space just as long as he lets me know it isn't anything about me. Just simple communication.
It's strange, I think communication is our strength and our weakness. I've never been able to open up and talk to him and just resolve issues about my life and everything with anyone else like him. When he is in boyfriend mode, he is close to perfect.
I'm just afraid. I am so afraid he doesn't see what we have, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to. I want to be positive and just trust it and think, yes... he will remember what we had and then want to come back. But what if I get all my hopes up this week, just for him to crush me at the end of the week, on or after or before my birthday?
Please god or whoever is up there. Give me strength to accept whatever he decides. Even after writing that, it sounds like such a surrender. I am not ready to give up yet. That is the problem. I want to do what he wants, and I can't force him to be with me. That's just what is breaking me most, is the thought that at the end of this week he might think it's not worth it. Even throughout all of this, all the anxiety and sadness has been in hopes that we will work it out. Please god help him remember the good that comes from us being together. He has made me the happiest anyone ever has, in every way. Help him remember that I can make him happy again too if he lets me back in.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
ENFJ
I haven't taken a personality thing like this in awhile, and damn it is crazy that this is the first time that I have felt it really pegged my personality closer than other things I've done. I used the link from humanmetrics.com and got the "ENFJ" result. Actually more specifically I got "ESFJ" first, and then at the bottom it said because I scored a low percentage one one of the categories it could mean I am "ENFJ" too. So I read that one, and it fit me so much more.
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From the website:
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From the website:
ESFJ Description
Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes.
All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs, as do most SJs, bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service (which embodies life's meaning) and expect the same from others.
ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.
Strong, contradictory forces consume the ESFJ. Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive. This sometimes results in swift, immediate action taken upon a transgressor, followed by stern reprimand; ultimately, however, the prodigal is wrested from the gallows of their folly, just as the noose tightens and all hope is lost, by the very executioner!
An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.
As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around--germs within, the elements without, unscrupulous malefactors, insidious character flaws. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid; 'hyper-vigilant' would be more precise. And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and elementary education.
(ESFJ stands for Extravert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging and represents individual's preferences in four dimensions characterising personality type, according to Jung's and Briggs Myers' theories of personality type.)
Pathetic
I am trying so fucking hard to separate myself. If tonight is what is "normal" for us now, I don't want it. I don't feel fulfilled in any way, shape or form. The only time I get attention is if he wants to do things with me. That is the only time I feel like he wants to be around me. Today is a time when we are around friends and he was silent. I tried to be normal, and this was not his normal self. Has is normal way changed around me? This isn't the same guy that I fell in love with. This is the guy that causes me anxiety, depression, anger. I even question myself if he is in love with me. He never tells me he loves me; the only times he has was when I've been crying or really upset. Then he becomes boyfriend to the rescue. Other than that, I am afraid to tell him I love him because I am afraid I won't hear it back, and that hurts. No, a fucking heart does not count as a fucking response.
Is our time over? Are we passed the honeymoon stage? I feel like I'm treated like a wife that is busy raising children and like isn't hot or something anymore. I want to feel wanted, and needed, and appreciated. I don't feel that way. He gets mad that I am so insecure about us but can he blame me? The inconsistency is so stressful and like I said, if this is him "normal" with me now, I don't want it. I don't want it at all. It hurts. It hurts feeling like I can't hold his hand. His body feels cold. What is wrong with me? What am I good for to him if this is how he treats me? I don't want to bring up another fight because it'll just make things worse. Every time I bring up something, I'm trying to make it better and I try to be understanding. I suppose I just have to see how long I can stick this out for? I feel like this is going to make me completely numb if I can't voice out anything.
I feel like I am making it worse both ways, by saying something and not saying anything at all. I can't win in this situation. All I'm doing is making him love me less.
I wish in these situations someone could just tell me what to do. I like to think that I wouldn't put up with this shit in any other relationship; but I think I would. Because that's just the type of person I am. I love with my whole heart and put my whole heart into a relationship. So that's what sucks. Is that I am probably going to be walked all over in most of my relationships unless I become a cold hearted bitch and make myself immune to this stuff. I make myself so vulnerable and it isn't fair.
The sensible person inside me is saying, "Jesus Tiffany break up with this guy. He makes you cry a few times a week, literally has no idea; and when you try and care it pushes him away further." But the hopeless romantic in me sees the good in him, and lives for that good. It's like I'm waiting for that next good moment to happen.
My patheticness actually makes me cry more. I sound ridiculous right now.
I just came across this quote "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" - and I used to live by this every day back when my OCD was almost out of control and I let the smallest thought consume me. I would tell myself this all the time and it would work, temporarily.
I should think about this now; but at the same time, doing this is kind of ignorant. So, just don't focus on the negativity so it doesn't consume you? Don't we want to acknowledge the negativity in hopes that it will eventually dissipate? I could ignore the clear space that is between my boyfriend I and focus on the good which on the "good" days is exactly what I try to do. But on these bad days, it's like all those emotions that I have compartmentalized have surfaced because I'm being treated like dirt. And it's crazy - he is never like, vocally bad. People would never look at us and say, "Wow, that is a shitty boyfriend right there." Because it's not what he does, it is what he doesn't do. He doesn't remind me how important I am to him (if really at this point I question my role in his life). He doesn't make me feel included in his plans, and most of the time I feel like an after thought. He doesn't make me feel wanted when we aren't being intimate. I don't feel like a priority to him. I feel like for him at this point his "once a week time" with me has been fulfilled by this birthday dinner. I really do.
All this bitching and whining. You ask why am I not doing something about it? I have tried. I have poured my heart and soul and tears and body into this relationship. All for the better. I have tried and tried and tried. Why can't he let me in. Why am I not good enough.
Is our time over? Are we passed the honeymoon stage? I feel like I'm treated like a wife that is busy raising children and like isn't hot or something anymore. I want to feel wanted, and needed, and appreciated. I don't feel that way. He gets mad that I am so insecure about us but can he blame me? The inconsistency is so stressful and like I said, if this is him "normal" with me now, I don't want it. I don't want it at all. It hurts. It hurts feeling like I can't hold his hand. His body feels cold. What is wrong with me? What am I good for to him if this is how he treats me? I don't want to bring up another fight because it'll just make things worse. Every time I bring up something, I'm trying to make it better and I try to be understanding. I suppose I just have to see how long I can stick this out for? I feel like this is going to make me completely numb if I can't voice out anything.
I feel like I am making it worse both ways, by saying something and not saying anything at all. I can't win in this situation. All I'm doing is making him love me less.
I wish in these situations someone could just tell me what to do. I like to think that I wouldn't put up with this shit in any other relationship; but I think I would. Because that's just the type of person I am. I love with my whole heart and put my whole heart into a relationship. So that's what sucks. Is that I am probably going to be walked all over in most of my relationships unless I become a cold hearted bitch and make myself immune to this stuff. I make myself so vulnerable and it isn't fair.
The sensible person inside me is saying, "Jesus Tiffany break up with this guy. He makes you cry a few times a week, literally has no idea; and when you try and care it pushes him away further." But the hopeless romantic in me sees the good in him, and lives for that good. It's like I'm waiting for that next good moment to happen.
My patheticness actually makes me cry more. I sound ridiculous right now.
I just came across this quote "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" - and I used to live by this every day back when my OCD was almost out of control and I let the smallest thought consume me. I would tell myself this all the time and it would work, temporarily.
I should think about this now; but at the same time, doing this is kind of ignorant. So, just don't focus on the negativity so it doesn't consume you? Don't we want to acknowledge the negativity in hopes that it will eventually dissipate? I could ignore the clear space that is between my boyfriend I and focus on the good which on the "good" days is exactly what I try to do. But on these bad days, it's like all those emotions that I have compartmentalized have surfaced because I'm being treated like dirt. And it's crazy - he is never like, vocally bad. People would never look at us and say, "Wow, that is a shitty boyfriend right there." Because it's not what he does, it is what he doesn't do. He doesn't remind me how important I am to him (if really at this point I question my role in his life). He doesn't make me feel included in his plans, and most of the time I feel like an after thought. He doesn't make me feel wanted when we aren't being intimate. I don't feel like a priority to him. I feel like for him at this point his "once a week time" with me has been fulfilled by this birthday dinner. I really do.
All this bitching and whining. You ask why am I not doing something about it? I have tried. I have poured my heart and soul and tears and body into this relationship. All for the better. I have tried and tried and tried. Why can't he let me in. Why am I not good enough.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
Where is the love
I had a pretty shitty day today, not even going to try and sugar coat it. I knew my lesson would be absolutely terrible. Like it was so bad that she asked me how much I practice.
It has taken awhile, but I have finally realized that violin cannot be my career. It has literally sucked the passion out of it, trying to perfect it for these past five years now as a music major. Music used to be an outlet for me, and now it has become something that I need to create an outlet to get away from. That outlet has become ballroom dancing for me. I love it so much. It is so different dancing with a person though. It's harder. When you dance in a dance class or in the studio setting, it's totally different because if you move a certain way, it is just you that you're worrying about. In ballroom, you have two bodies that are trying to accomplish one sequence. It's so challenging but once you find the right partner it makes it so much easier to become better. Especially if you're comfortable with the person. :-) It's amazing how much more I can do with Gabi than I could with my last partner, and one of the main reasons being comfortability. I wasn't ever comfortable even just conversing with my last partner, because he was either patronizing me or making passes at me. It was just... ugh. No.
Having that pro dancer tell me to continue dancing still resonates in my head. It makes me wonder though; what if I do decide to go the pro route with ballroom? Will it be like music? That's what I did with violin. I worked so hard all my life to get to a point, grew this huge passion for performing/playing, and then people encouraged me to continue professionally. And now look at me. I never really want to practice, I don't fit in with the people at the music school, I am always so relieved after Wednesday (the day of my lessons), and I let out breaths of relief when orchestra gets out. I go to dance to improve, and really enjoy every minute of it - even those moments of frustration when I am trying to work out a movement with my partner. If I work at getting really good and ultimately having a goal of going pro, will that suck the life out of it? Will I lose my passion for dancing? That is a thought that scares me.
I think about when I absolutely loved playing violin, and wanted to play for anyone. People used to tell me when I played that music made them feel something. I used to make people cry from listening to me play. (in a good way).
I feel so conflicted. It's just that competitor in me wants to perfect everything I do. But I think I'm starting to realize that is always the best thing.
It has taken awhile, but I have finally realized that violin cannot be my career. It has literally sucked the passion out of it, trying to perfect it for these past five years now as a music major. Music used to be an outlet for me, and now it has become something that I need to create an outlet to get away from. That outlet has become ballroom dancing for me. I love it so much. It is so different dancing with a person though. It's harder. When you dance in a dance class or in the studio setting, it's totally different because if you move a certain way, it is just you that you're worrying about. In ballroom, you have two bodies that are trying to accomplish one sequence. It's so challenging but once you find the right partner it makes it so much easier to become better. Especially if you're comfortable with the person. :-) It's amazing how much more I can do with Gabi than I could with my last partner, and one of the main reasons being comfortability. I wasn't ever comfortable even just conversing with my last partner, because he was either patronizing me or making passes at me. It was just... ugh. No.
Having that pro dancer tell me to continue dancing still resonates in my head. It makes me wonder though; what if I do decide to go the pro route with ballroom? Will it be like music? That's what I did with violin. I worked so hard all my life to get to a point, grew this huge passion for performing/playing, and then people encouraged me to continue professionally. And now look at me. I never really want to practice, I don't fit in with the people at the music school, I am always so relieved after Wednesday (the day of my lessons), and I let out breaths of relief when orchestra gets out. I go to dance to improve, and really enjoy every minute of it - even those moments of frustration when I am trying to work out a movement with my partner. If I work at getting really good and ultimately having a goal of going pro, will that suck the life out of it? Will I lose my passion for dancing? That is a thought that scares me.
I think about when I absolutely loved playing violin, and wanted to play for anyone. People used to tell me when I played that music made them feel something. I used to make people cry from listening to me play. (in a good way).
I feel so conflicted. It's just that competitor in me wants to perfect everything I do. But I think I'm starting to realize that is always the best thing.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
God so much negativity
Also....I hate that I tend to just blog when I am feeling upset. I know it is really the biggest outlet of relief for me besides music, but god why does everything on here have to be so whiny and complainy all the time.
On a happier note, I think my spark for violin is coming back.
And today a pro-level dancer told me to keep dancing, and he could see me going pro-smooth. Like wow. That was absolutely amazing to hear. It felt really nice for someone completely unbiased to just come up to me and tell me that, genuine with no ulterior motive. There is someone that believes I can do dance. Someone that doesn't know anything about me; they just see my passion for it on the floor and can recognize that it definitely is rough but it can grow to something pretty big.
That was just a cherry on top of my sundae (Sunday heh) for me today.
Today was also the beginner's comp for my dancesport team at school and I got my experience at judging. It was so much fun. This girl that was in my level 1 class a few years back who resurfaced told me today that in the bathroom during comp that she heard girls in the bathroom talking about me, in a good way. These compliments really couldn't have come at a better time. I am glad my hard work is paying off. And I am so thankful to have Gabi as my dance partner. He puts up with so much.
After the comp I hung out with some of the dds boys and it was like, gosh. such a good time. There are some crowds where I just feel like the fucking funniest person on the planet. And I love those crowds... they are confidence boosters haha.
On a happier note, I think my spark for violin is coming back.
And today a pro-level dancer told me to keep dancing, and he could see me going pro-smooth. Like wow. That was absolutely amazing to hear. It felt really nice for someone completely unbiased to just come up to me and tell me that, genuine with no ulterior motive. There is someone that believes I can do dance. Someone that doesn't know anything about me; they just see my passion for it on the floor and can recognize that it definitely is rough but it can grow to something pretty big.
That was just a cherry on top of my sundae (Sunday heh) for me today.
Today was also the beginner's comp for my dancesport team at school and I got my experience at judging. It was so much fun. This girl that was in my level 1 class a few years back who resurfaced told me today that in the bathroom during comp that she heard girls in the bathroom talking about me, in a good way. These compliments really couldn't have come at a better time. I am glad my hard work is paying off. And I am so thankful to have Gabi as my dance partner. He puts up with so much.
After the comp I hung out with some of the dds boys and it was like, gosh. such a good time. There are some crowds where I just feel like the fucking funniest person on the planet. And I love those crowds... they are confidence boosters haha.
Everything I've Wanted
I'd like to start off my post today by saying that it is amazing the impact another person has on you. Especially if the person means a lot to you. For instance; whenever my mom was upset when I was growing up, it was like everyone else became upset. Your mood rubs off on the people around you, especially if they're very in tune to the way you are/act.
I find myself thinking about my boyfriend, and how literally crazy in love I am with him. I would do anything for him. He thinks it is weird that I always agree with what he wants (which honestly isn't true)- but I am more inclined to say yes to him than anyone else. I don't really get a lot of bf time with him, so if he asks me to do pretty much anything that involves us being together, I usually jump at the opportunity. It's just how I am. And even the act of me having this blog, for what. 6 years now? It is usually centered around my relationships. Even the "smaller" or less serious ones. I think to a year ago around this time, I was blogging like crazy about a guy that I wanted to be in love with so badly. I wanted to love him, because he poured his heart and soul to me. He had this beautiful English accent and a kind heart. He made me feel protected, and wanted. He was so into me, and wanted it to work so badly. I remember the night he told me he was in love with me. It was the night before he was going to leave for England. I remember freaking out in my head saying, "OH MY GOD, PLEASE don't say you're in love with me please please". And he did. It felt so flattering. I said it back, because I knew that maybe one day I could love him the way he feels about me. Because the person that lit a fire in me I didn't know I had, had no interest in me at all.
He wanted me to move to Europe eventually - permanently. Move my whole life there. All on this notion that he was never going to find another girl like me. If I was so special, why couldn't I get the person I truly had feelings for to notice me? I was there, for months before anything happened. Gabi stole my heart in a way no one ever has. He has captivated me with literally every fiber of my being. I haven't been with him nearly a 1/4 of the time that I was with Tyler; but it is just amazing how this guy has changed my life. He not only makes me want to be a better person, but he makes me want to give myself to him, unconditionally. Something that I have never done. So is this why I find myself talking to myself more than I used to, and crying a lot more? Because there is more risk? It's like I have to talk myself through things a lot to make sure it sounds logical or legitimate before telling him. How is it possible to feel like the absolute luckiest girl all the time, but then at the same time feel so scared and anxious? I want everything with him to be perfect because he is perfect for me. He is everything I have ever wanted. It sucks that I am his first real real relationship, because I don't think he really has anything to compare this to. Or maybe we just haven't talked about it. I have gone through my share of frogs oh fuck have I. And it's like, I realize how real this is with him, and I don't want to fuck it up in the slightest. I want it to last, and will do whatever it takes to grow this relationship.
It hurts so bad sometimes. He didn't even seem excited about the thought of going to see me in Hawaii this summer. He is really the only person I would want to come visit me. I have friends that have mentioned in passing that they want to visit me; however he is the person I want to share that experience with. I want to take him to the volcanoes, Hapuna, the Kona strip - Waipi'io Valley. All of it. I want to explore things with him, everything really. And I can't help but feel sometimes like there is an expiration date on this for him. If that is the case, I would rather it just end now. I don't want to keep emotionally investing myself if I feel like every time he feels himself getting close that he is going to pull away so it hurts less when it ends.. That isn't fair to me. And it really scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine my life without him anymore. I am not saying I am looking to get married right now. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I haven't thought about a future with him. That's kind of the only future I want. It is so amazing how sure you can be of something, and be completely in the dark about something else.
When you love someone, you want to scream it off rooftops and just tell them all the time. I could tell him every day and it wouldn't be enough. He's told me three times he loves me; two of those times I was crying. I guess you could say I am feeling a lack of emotional stimulation.
I have all the patience in the world with him. I ask myself all the time why I am putting up with a lot of this, because I know I would never with anyone else. It's because it is him. Anything is worth it if it is for him. I just want that in return.
I find myself thinking about my boyfriend, and how literally crazy in love I am with him. I would do anything for him. He thinks it is weird that I always agree with what he wants (which honestly isn't true)- but I am more inclined to say yes to him than anyone else. I don't really get a lot of bf time with him, so if he asks me to do pretty much anything that involves us being together, I usually jump at the opportunity. It's just how I am. And even the act of me having this blog, for what. 6 years now? It is usually centered around my relationships. Even the "smaller" or less serious ones. I think to a year ago around this time, I was blogging like crazy about a guy that I wanted to be in love with so badly. I wanted to love him, because he poured his heart and soul to me. He had this beautiful English accent and a kind heart. He made me feel protected, and wanted. He was so into me, and wanted it to work so badly. I remember the night he told me he was in love with me. It was the night before he was going to leave for England. I remember freaking out in my head saying, "OH MY GOD, PLEASE don't say you're in love with me please please". And he did. It felt so flattering. I said it back, because I knew that maybe one day I could love him the way he feels about me. Because the person that lit a fire in me I didn't know I had, had no interest in me at all.
He wanted me to move to Europe eventually - permanently. Move my whole life there. All on this notion that he was never going to find another girl like me. If I was so special, why couldn't I get the person I truly had feelings for to notice me? I was there, for months before anything happened. Gabi stole my heart in a way no one ever has. He has captivated me with literally every fiber of my being. I haven't been with him nearly a 1/4 of the time that I was with Tyler; but it is just amazing how this guy has changed my life. He not only makes me want to be a better person, but he makes me want to give myself to him, unconditionally. Something that I have never done. So is this why I find myself talking to myself more than I used to, and crying a lot more? Because there is more risk? It's like I have to talk myself through things a lot to make sure it sounds logical or legitimate before telling him. How is it possible to feel like the absolute luckiest girl all the time, but then at the same time feel so scared and anxious? I want everything with him to be perfect because he is perfect for me. He is everything I have ever wanted. It sucks that I am his first real real relationship, because I don't think he really has anything to compare this to. Or maybe we just haven't talked about it. I have gone through my share of frogs oh fuck have I. And it's like, I realize how real this is with him, and I don't want to fuck it up in the slightest. I want it to last, and will do whatever it takes to grow this relationship.
It hurts so bad sometimes. He didn't even seem excited about the thought of going to see me in Hawaii this summer. He is really the only person I would want to come visit me. I have friends that have mentioned in passing that they want to visit me; however he is the person I want to share that experience with. I want to take him to the volcanoes, Hapuna, the Kona strip - Waipi'io Valley. All of it. I want to explore things with him, everything really. And I can't help but feel sometimes like there is an expiration date on this for him. If that is the case, I would rather it just end now. I don't want to keep emotionally investing myself if I feel like every time he feels himself getting close that he is going to pull away so it hurts less when it ends.. That isn't fair to me. And it really scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine my life without him anymore. I am not saying I am looking to get married right now. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I haven't thought about a future with him. That's kind of the only future I want. It is so amazing how sure you can be of something, and be completely in the dark about something else.
When you love someone, you want to scream it off rooftops and just tell them all the time. I could tell him every day and it wouldn't be enough. He's told me three times he loves me; two of those times I was crying. I guess you could say I am feeling a lack of emotional stimulation.
I have all the patience in the world with him. I ask myself all the time why I am putting up with a lot of this, because I know I would never with anyone else. It's because it is him. Anything is worth it if it is for him. I just want that in return.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
New Love
I just got done hanging out with one of my closest friends and her new boyfriend, we'll call him Rick. My god they are just the cutest couple. I actually got goosebumps watching them two together. It really just sits so well with me. It is such an amazing thing to witness when you see two people on the same close level. I can't really describe it other than it just being this exchange that really is so simple yet this phenomenon you can't stop looking or watching - you just wanna take it in as much as you can. It is better than any romance movie you'll ever watch. Seeing two people connect on that level in such a simple way makes my heart happy. It could be a casual embrace, or exchanged glances. It is so ordinary, but to those two people they are just on their own wavelength and don't even notice the intimacy there is.
All of this is so comforting to see, that maybe one day I can have that. It's frustrating to love a person so much, and not be able to get to that point yet, not even after however many months. I wish I could just take the guard down and be more like a couple. Our relationship goes in waves. Sometimes, I feel like I am floating on Cloud 9. I feel like I never want to be loved by anyone else for as long as I live, other than him (this part of the wave never changes for me). I feel like spending every second with him because when I am next to him, my mind settles and my heart feels at ease. My anxious demeanor begins to fade, and I start to focus on the rooted connection we have built within these months. I get to a point to where I want to start taking my guard down, but then it's like he feels it too and then emotionally closes up. It's difficult because there are so many things I want to tell him. I wish I could tell him how in love I am, and that he really makes me the happiest I have ever been in my life, as cliche as that sounds. It is so true. He's not my first, but the way I love him is so real and so genuine. I don't have this need to make it work because he's a"first love" or because he's all I've ever known and that's what I'm settling for. I have gone through some frogs let me tell you. He in his own way he is still kind of a frog. But it is one frog I think is worth seeing things through with and growing with emotionally, intellectually and just as a couple. I want be able to feel comfortable saying "I love you".
So many things that happen between us make me believe that he does feel it too... that he does feel the same way towards me. But it's like there is that part of uncertainty that is why I get so worried about this all in the first place. That maybe he is never going to fully let his guard down because he's afraid of getting too close to me. The little shiksa that I am. I want to give myself completely to him, and I want reciprocity. That's really what it comes down to... wanting the feeling I am putting out there to be returned. There is no greater feeling than that, and there isn't a greater feeling than that to witness between two other people. Everything about love seems so carefree, yet so complicated at the same time. Which I guess is why it makes it pretty beautiful.
I heard this great quote the other day, about being scared with the whole love thing. And it made smile.
"If it is both terrifying and amazing, then you should pursue it." - Erada
It really just resonates so much in my life. There are times like these when I am so scared of being hurt, that he is just going to break my heart. But then I tell myself one little sentence and it works. He is worth it. I hope someday he realizes that he can use that courage that is in there somewhere to see that yes, this is honestly fucking terrifying. But it is amazing too. And it will be so much more if you let it. I want him to let me in so badly.
We get each other so easily and have this great chemistry. So I know it's there. I just believe that it is completely impossible for feelings this strong to develop for another person when there isn't those feelings being verbally or non-verbally communicated back. It's just impossible. So that's why I know it is in there somewhere, because these feelings I have, haven't just manifested themselves. They've been building from what I have been shown. Mine are just progressing probably quicker and stronger.
I feel loved. I do, most of the time. Truly. It's just nice to hear that you're loved too. When you know, you know. I've known for a long time; it is actually verging on creepy how long I have known.
Hats off to my dear friend and "Rick". They make such a heartwarming pair. I love being around them and it gives me hope that someday I will feel the mutually uninhibited love they do.
All of this is so comforting to see, that maybe one day I can have that. It's frustrating to love a person so much, and not be able to get to that point yet, not even after however many months. I wish I could just take the guard down and be more like a couple. Our relationship goes in waves. Sometimes, I feel like I am floating on Cloud 9. I feel like I never want to be loved by anyone else for as long as I live, other than him (this part of the wave never changes for me). I feel like spending every second with him because when I am next to him, my mind settles and my heart feels at ease. My anxious demeanor begins to fade, and I start to focus on the rooted connection we have built within these months. I get to a point to where I want to start taking my guard down, but then it's like he feels it too and then emotionally closes up. It's difficult because there are so many things I want to tell him. I wish I could tell him how in love I am, and that he really makes me the happiest I have ever been in my life, as cliche as that sounds. It is so true. He's not my first, but the way I love him is so real and so genuine. I don't have this need to make it work because he's a"first love" or because he's all I've ever known and that's what I'm settling for. I have gone through some frogs let me tell you. He in his own way he is still kind of a frog. But it is one frog I think is worth seeing things through with and growing with emotionally, intellectually and just as a couple. I want be able to feel comfortable saying "I love you".
So many things that happen between us make me believe that he does feel it too... that he does feel the same way towards me. But it's like there is that part of uncertainty that is why I get so worried about this all in the first place. That maybe he is never going to fully let his guard down because he's afraid of getting too close to me. The little shiksa that I am. I want to give myself completely to him, and I want reciprocity. That's really what it comes down to... wanting the feeling I am putting out there to be returned. There is no greater feeling than that, and there isn't a greater feeling than that to witness between two other people. Everything about love seems so carefree, yet so complicated at the same time. Which I guess is why it makes it pretty beautiful.
I heard this great quote the other day, about being scared with the whole love thing. And it made smile.
"If it is both terrifying and amazing, then you should pursue it." - Erada
It really just resonates so much in my life. There are times like these when I am so scared of being hurt, that he is just going to break my heart. But then I tell myself one little sentence and it works. He is worth it. I hope someday he realizes that he can use that courage that is in there somewhere to see that yes, this is honestly fucking terrifying. But it is amazing too. And it will be so much more if you let it. I want him to let me in so badly.
We get each other so easily and have this great chemistry. So I know it's there. I just believe that it is completely impossible for feelings this strong to develop for another person when there isn't those feelings being verbally or non-verbally communicated back. It's just impossible. So that's why I know it is in there somewhere, because these feelings I have, haven't just manifested themselves. They've been building from what I have been shown. Mine are just progressing probably quicker and stronger.
I feel loved. I do, most of the time. Truly. It's just nice to hear that you're loved too. When you know, you know. I've known for a long time; it is actually verging on creepy how long I have known.
Hats off to my dear friend and "Rick". They make such a heartwarming pair. I love being around them and it gives me hope that someday I will feel the mutually uninhibited love they do.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Lack of Creativity
I sometimes wonder if I have completely lost my ability to have an imagination. My mind has been under so much stress the past couple months, I don't really remember the last time I dreamed. I used to blog my dreams, in really vivid detail. I used to lucid dream, and that doesn't happen either anymore.
You would think being in love would help a mind be a little freer, more creative if you will. I feel like I kept dreaming these unrealistic things, pre-relationship. It's almost like my reality is better than my dreams now. Fancy that.
You would think being in love would help a mind be a little freer, more creative if you will. I feel like I kept dreaming these unrealistic things, pre-relationship. It's almost like my reality is better than my dreams now. Fancy that.
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