"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it."
This was just like a *mind blown* moment for me. And it is so true. I wonder if I should share this with the bf. He's said something exactly along these lines in regards to our relationship; that it's so great but he's always going to wonder "What if". Not that it's not a completely abnormal thought, I think that too. A lot. I think to myself, "Is he really the best I can do? Is he the best for me?"
My love for him just consumes me, and makes me want to continue. I have that doubt, but I also am feeling so loved and don't want it to go away.
I've been working on the Bach Chaconne for about a month now, and I started working on it when he and I started talking about breaking up. So now every time I'm practicing it or listen to a recording of myself for performance practice, I hear the sadness in my playing. I can hear in the dissonance, this instability and shakiness. Is this piece totally blackballed now??? I mean this was something I have been wanting to play for years, and now I finally am. Maybe this is inevitably my interpretation of it. And I think it would be enjoyable for people but the way I'm playing it may cause tears (which is actually a personal goal for me whenever I play. I want people to feel what I'm feeling).
So much as happened: I just came back from an extremely quick trip to DC for a wedding with the bf, and it was an absolute fairytale of a wedding. I met one side of his family, and they were all very sweet to me. I remember the first time I met his parents, I was so scared. Like, BOTH of them are rabbis! They're gonna hate me!!! Thinking they're orthodox or something. It's so silly when I think about it now. Out of all people that I would expect to make me feel uncomfortable, I was thinking it'd be them. But never once have they, ever. I truly adore them. His mom is one of the sweetest women in the world, she always makes me feel at ease. Which probably makes her an amazing rabbi, too. And his dad good god. He is freaking hilarious. Even after a year I'm not used to his humor, so I'm always still laughing after everyone else is over what he said. I see so much of my boyfriend in him, I actually think he looks more like his dad than mom.
I have been teaching for a month and been in school for about a month - gosh how time is flyin' already. I am also trying to move into my new apartment at the end of the month; I'm hoping I save money but we'll see.
Next post will be juicier.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
times like these
Hangouts like last night just really blow my mind. In a good way. They're bittersweet in a way. How could it get any better?? And then it does. Evenings like last night make me ask myself "how could we ever be apart ever again" ? How? I don't understand. Everything just fits and flows and is so organic. How could we ever want to be apart after this. Sorry, how could he want to be apart especially after times like yesterday.
Being with his family is something I really do treasure. It used to bug me being around really happy families who get along really well, but I have never once felt that way with his family. Ever. Even though his family dynamic is so different from my family's, I have never felt so at ease as I do there. Another thing that means seriously the world to me is whenever I go over there for dinner on Shabbat, his mom blesses me too. Like I am her child. It makes me smile and I feel so full of love after something that takes 8 seconds. It's just the meaning behind that makes me want to just hug her. I love his family. I am pretty sure he doesn't like mine though haha. He has seen the not so wonderful sides of my family that I am embarrassed to admit even occur.
Last night was just really chill. I was okay with just sitting there with him on his bed in silence (Something I have NEVER been okay with until him) until he was ready to talk to me - I knew something was up in his mind but it would take awhile to warm up. We just talked about a lot, got a lot out in the open and it was so refreshing. Although, I am still confused as to what he meant when he said that he feels like things have come full circle, about moving or something. I may need reclarification.
I love this guy so much. I know neither of us have really dated a lot of other people. But that should not retract from the sincerity and depth of what I feel. It shouldn't be any less validating because I am only 23, or that I haven't had "7 boyfriends" - as a wise educator told me (she said I should have at least 7 boyfriends before I decide to be with 'the one').
I know soulmates aren't a thing. But everyone has a choice. Even though my choice isn't something that has to be permanent, I have to see where it goes. Because I've never experienced anything so nerve-wracking (because I care so fucking much) and perfect at the same time.
Being with his family is something I really do treasure. It used to bug me being around really happy families who get along really well, but I have never once felt that way with his family. Ever. Even though his family dynamic is so different from my family's, I have never felt so at ease as I do there. Another thing that means seriously the world to me is whenever I go over there for dinner on Shabbat, his mom blesses me too. Like I am her child. It makes me smile and I feel so full of love after something that takes 8 seconds. It's just the meaning behind that makes me want to just hug her. I love his family. I am pretty sure he doesn't like mine though haha. He has seen the not so wonderful sides of my family that I am embarrassed to admit even occur.
Last night was just really chill. I was okay with just sitting there with him on his bed in silence (Something I have NEVER been okay with until him) until he was ready to talk to me - I knew something was up in his mind but it would take awhile to warm up. We just talked about a lot, got a lot out in the open and it was so refreshing. Although, I am still confused as to what he meant when he said that he feels like things have come full circle, about moving or something. I may need reclarification.
I love this guy so much. I know neither of us have really dated a lot of other people. But that should not retract from the sincerity and depth of what I feel. It shouldn't be any less validating because I am only 23, or that I haven't had "7 boyfriends" - as a wise educator told me (she said I should have at least 7 boyfriends before I decide to be with 'the one').
I know soulmates aren't a thing. But everyone has a choice. Even though my choice isn't something that has to be permanent, I have to see where it goes. Because I've never experienced anything so nerve-wracking (because I care so fucking much) and perfect at the same time.
New dance era
I have always loved dance. Always. I have never dated someone who danced a lot, or considered themselves a dancer. I always was with someone that would watch me do my thing. Like, it's my hobby and they have their own but we appreciate each other's talents. This talent became a shared one; I was never watching him dance because I am part of that hobby. We were each other's partners. When I initially found out he was going away, I was just shocked. I didn't even think about dance.
Once dance kicked in my brain, I realized that ballroom dance had become something for me that was a love I shared with the person I love. I felt like I can't do that with anybody else. It would be too weird. Now if the situation was reversed, I think he would still miss dancing with me but he also did it more for himself - for his gain. He is much better at keeping things mutually exclusive. I start to overlap my interests and feelings with each other. For me, the thought of dancing with someone else was just weird. Why would I do that? He's my partner. Which is dumb. But when someone else asked to be my dance partner after finding out that I won't be with Gabi anymore, I didn't jump at the opportunity and I think most would in that situation. Especially if it's someone good. Good dancer guys are hard to come by. So I asked myself what is wrong here. This guy is a great dancer. And it's because it's like I'm not ready. But this may be good for me; to remind me why I loved dancing in the first place. I don't love dancing because of Gabi, I love dancing because I love dancing. Even if he made me love it more. I think dancing with someone I am not romantically interested or attracted to will be good for this situation/me. I will remember why I love dancing without that romantic component.
It's just hard. It'll be hard going on the floor and not having Gabi next to me holding my hand.
Once dance kicked in my brain, I realized that ballroom dance had become something for me that was a love I shared with the person I love. I felt like I can't do that with anybody else. It would be too weird. Now if the situation was reversed, I think he would still miss dancing with me but he also did it more for himself - for his gain. He is much better at keeping things mutually exclusive. I start to overlap my interests and feelings with each other. For me, the thought of dancing with someone else was just weird. Why would I do that? He's my partner. Which is dumb. But when someone else asked to be my dance partner after finding out that I won't be with Gabi anymore, I didn't jump at the opportunity and I think most would in that situation. Especially if it's someone good. Good dancer guys are hard to come by. So I asked myself what is wrong here. This guy is a great dancer. And it's because it's like I'm not ready. But this may be good for me; to remind me why I loved dancing in the first place. I don't love dancing because of Gabi, I love dancing because I love dancing. Even if he made me love it more. I think dancing with someone I am not romantically interested or attracted to will be good for this situation/me. I will remember why I love dancing without that romantic component.
It's just hard. It'll be hard going on the floor and not having Gabi next to me holding my hand.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Away
I would also like to add that hearing him say last night that I should go away, or move and do something for me hurt. It hurts thinking there could be a time when I couldn't come home and tell him about my day. Or hear about his. It really hurts to think that someday he could meet someone that would make him totally forget about me and what we have.
Choice
I forgot what this feels like to be anxious all the time. Not really anxious, but just uncertain. My life gets so hectic that I crave stability. I came to the conclusion last night when I reluctantly was sharing my feelings that I purposefully keep myself busy so I don't have to think about a lot of things. Because of the type of person I am; over-analyzing, over-thinking, over-doing, I don't want to be left alone with my feelings for too long. Usually I can be, but things just keep adding up. First I'm dealing with family stuff, and okay what ever I've learned to deal with that. But now that I have this haunting feeling that there is a high probability that I am going to be losing one of the closest people in my life in just a few months, it has turned me upside down. Most of the time I pride myself in being a strong person and strong willed, but this one is just an internal battle. I'm in this stage now for the past couple days where it's like I'm just looking for things to be upset over. Example. I remember saying months and months ago ... specifically January that if he didn't see this going anywhere, as just something intermediary, then I wanted it to end right then. All he said was he isn't sure about anything and can't say that because you just don't know. It turns out he had known all along. He said the other day that he always thought this would just be a transitionary thing for him, to lead to the next step in his life which is a move away. But then this turned into something more than he thought it would. Why wasn't he up front with me? Why did he have to lie? Now I am in this situation, 8 months later still not in control, and without a say. I'm just sitting here waiting for him to say, "Okay. Let's do long distance." Or find out that I'm just not worth it. It hurts to think about. Why does me having to be a good person to see a future with have to bite me in the ass? Why is this not something that is working out for me?
I don't believe in true love. I don't believe that there is one single person out there for you. It's an active choice. I could have made it work with Tyler, John. I could have. But I didn't. I chose not to. For a while, I could see myself with Tyler. Fuck I stayed with him for 4 years. People change, things change. And that's okay. For a while, I made the active choice of committing, even though in the end all it turned out to be was me being scared. But I made the choice to stay until I realized this was not for me. I saw it through. Now this, what I have right now is something beautiful. I've never met anyone like him before. He inspires me. What a person should do for you. But for that to just be ripped away from you before it even blossoms to something better? I have a difficult time understanding this. I didn't expect to meet someone at 23 that I could see myself with forever, and I think part of that uncertainty is still here because it's still hard for me to believe sometimes that him and I are even together. From the moment I met him (again), I felt something different than I had with anyone else. Even the first time we met, I told Eydn about it and said, "He's literally perfect! He's funny, Jewish, perfect looking, but too bad I'm with Tyler." Verbatim. She even remembers this conversation. Which makes us giggle.
I can't just give up right now because it doesn't feel right. If it felt right to end it, I absolutely would. This isn't even in a selfless way, but it isn't entirely selfish reasons either. It just doesn't feel right letting go right now. Of course you're not going to stay with someone if they want out. Obviously. But he wants in and thinks I'm awesome. Why isn't that enough for now.
The thought of him with someone else instantly brings tears to my eyes. It makes it hard to breathe, that right now someone I love so much could have even a small desire to be with someone else. A part of me knows this is because I'm the first long term girlfriend he's had in college. But so? The grass isn't always greener on the other side. But I had to figure that out for myself. I used to be envious of one of my friends who literally could just hook up with people and have this Miss Independent persona. Like, wow. That is so cool. But then I realized she is actually kind of lonely, and she is guarding something. She had her heart broken and was afraid to bounce back. And now she is in a relationship again, and I've never seen her happier.
He hasn't had the opportunity yet to do so. And it sucks. Because I know feelings fade. I know it is so hard to imagine now, but I know that my feelings would fade for him, especially if I kept telling myself that he wants to be with other people. I would have to force myself. Force myself out of one of the most amazing things I've ever felt. I know he would find someone else, because there are so many people in this world that are going to be a good fit for you. It's who you decide to just make a choice to see where it goes with. And that's what pisses me off. Just because I didn't meet you when you are 30 I'm not right for you? What is so wrong about me now? If you want to go off and find yourself, what is stopping you? It's not like you would just stop talking to all your family and friends, it's just me. Me, a person that is so supportive, literally at a point where I love him so much that I want him to go. I'm stopping him somehow. And I guess the only thing I'm stopping him from his what. Sexual experiences? Date nights? Trips alone? I don't know.
If going off and doing you is what you want to do, then do it. But don't make any less of what we have or say it isn't "what's right" right now. Because that is bull shit. No one knows where they will be when they are 30. I don't know where I'll be. But for me to be something that is stopping you from finding yourself is just stupid.
You learn a lot about yourself from your relationships with others. Relationships are so beautiful because of that scary thought of what your life might be like if they weren't there. That thought itself is amazing to me, how much impact a single person can have on one's life. Every person in this world really does hold such a high power in that regard. Isn't it crazy to think about? You alone can give someone butterflies, even if you aren't around. You could be the reason a person gets up in the morning, or the reason why they can go to sleep. You could be the reason why they can't sleep at night. You can get to know a person so well that just within a single second of seeing them, you know if they are okay. You know exactly how to make them feel better, and you know what exactly makes them feel good. You know every surface of their body and every spot that they crave.
I just want to be there. I want to be part of an adventure. I don't like being seen as a blockade, because I shouldn't be. At this point I feel like saying, Ok. Do you. Sleep with as many people as you need to, date who you must, stop talking to me if you want to. But give it 6 months. Find yourself and hopefully that leads you back to me. I don't know if this is denial or what, but a part of me just has this feeling that he will come back. How could he not? And maybe it would completely backfire and he would meet someone who fits him better than I do. When he wanted a break from me a few months ago, it broke my heart. It actually physically hurt me. For that I am somewhat grateful, seeing how much I truly care about a person. I didn't know I could feel that much.
But I knew I had to let him go in order for him to figure out things on his own. And sure, I don't know if he started talking to other girls during that time, fine. But I got what I hoped for in the end, he came back to me.
It's difficult for me to imagine life without him. It really is. I'm just choosing to not do that right now. Because why would I? From a completely selfish standpoint, he is what is best for me right now. He makes me happier than any other person. I'm making a choice to see this through, even within these next few months. Why would I end something that feels so right? I'm trying not to have a plan for my life right now, and with that said I'm trying to take this for what it is right now. Yes he may seem to be someone I could spend the rest of my life with, like in the most non-creep way possible I could imagine this fulfilling life with him being married with kids. We just make such a good team. But I'm not focusing on the future, even if he and I don't see it the same (although that is the problem ultimately is this part of the future is seen identically). Why worry about that now? Why push me away now when we aren't even there? I just want to live my life and why not have an amazing guy who has become such an important part of my life stick around for some of it? Yeah he may want out later, but why kill it when it's good? I just have more love to give right now that I am choosing to not give to anyone else. Because no one is loving me better right now than him. And I can say confidently that I am doing the same for him right now too. It's just not computing for me and I need a better reason. His reason isn't good enough for me.
I don't believe in true love. I don't believe that there is one single person out there for you. It's an active choice. I could have made it work with Tyler, John. I could have. But I didn't. I chose not to. For a while, I could see myself with Tyler. Fuck I stayed with him for 4 years. People change, things change. And that's okay. For a while, I made the active choice of committing, even though in the end all it turned out to be was me being scared. But I made the choice to stay until I realized this was not for me. I saw it through. Now this, what I have right now is something beautiful. I've never met anyone like him before. He inspires me. What a person should do for you. But for that to just be ripped away from you before it even blossoms to something better? I have a difficult time understanding this. I didn't expect to meet someone at 23 that I could see myself with forever, and I think part of that uncertainty is still here because it's still hard for me to believe sometimes that him and I are even together. From the moment I met him (again), I felt something different than I had with anyone else. Even the first time we met, I told Eydn about it and said, "He's literally perfect! He's funny, Jewish, perfect looking, but too bad I'm with Tyler." Verbatim. She even remembers this conversation. Which makes us giggle.
I can't just give up right now because it doesn't feel right. If it felt right to end it, I absolutely would. This isn't even in a selfless way, but it isn't entirely selfish reasons either. It just doesn't feel right letting go right now. Of course you're not going to stay with someone if they want out. Obviously. But he wants in and thinks I'm awesome. Why isn't that enough for now.
The thought of him with someone else instantly brings tears to my eyes. It makes it hard to breathe, that right now someone I love so much could have even a small desire to be with someone else. A part of me knows this is because I'm the first long term girlfriend he's had in college. But so? The grass isn't always greener on the other side. But I had to figure that out for myself. I used to be envious of one of my friends who literally could just hook up with people and have this Miss Independent persona. Like, wow. That is so cool. But then I realized she is actually kind of lonely, and she is guarding something. She had her heart broken and was afraid to bounce back. And now she is in a relationship again, and I've never seen her happier.
He hasn't had the opportunity yet to do so. And it sucks. Because I know feelings fade. I know it is so hard to imagine now, but I know that my feelings would fade for him, especially if I kept telling myself that he wants to be with other people. I would have to force myself. Force myself out of one of the most amazing things I've ever felt. I know he would find someone else, because there are so many people in this world that are going to be a good fit for you. It's who you decide to just make a choice to see where it goes with. And that's what pisses me off. Just because I didn't meet you when you are 30 I'm not right for you? What is so wrong about me now? If you want to go off and find yourself, what is stopping you? It's not like you would just stop talking to all your family and friends, it's just me. Me, a person that is so supportive, literally at a point where I love him so much that I want him to go. I'm stopping him somehow. And I guess the only thing I'm stopping him from his what. Sexual experiences? Date nights? Trips alone? I don't know.
If going off and doing you is what you want to do, then do it. But don't make any less of what we have or say it isn't "what's right" right now. Because that is bull shit. No one knows where they will be when they are 30. I don't know where I'll be. But for me to be something that is stopping you from finding yourself is just stupid.
You learn a lot about yourself from your relationships with others. Relationships are so beautiful because of that scary thought of what your life might be like if they weren't there. That thought itself is amazing to me, how much impact a single person can have on one's life. Every person in this world really does hold such a high power in that regard. Isn't it crazy to think about? You alone can give someone butterflies, even if you aren't around. You could be the reason a person gets up in the morning, or the reason why they can go to sleep. You could be the reason why they can't sleep at night. You can get to know a person so well that just within a single second of seeing them, you know if they are okay. You know exactly how to make them feel better, and you know what exactly makes them feel good. You know every surface of their body and every spot that they crave.
I just want to be there. I want to be part of an adventure. I don't like being seen as a blockade, because I shouldn't be. At this point I feel like saying, Ok. Do you. Sleep with as many people as you need to, date who you must, stop talking to me if you want to. But give it 6 months. Find yourself and hopefully that leads you back to me. I don't know if this is denial or what, but a part of me just has this feeling that he will come back. How could he not? And maybe it would completely backfire and he would meet someone who fits him better than I do. When he wanted a break from me a few months ago, it broke my heart. It actually physically hurt me. For that I am somewhat grateful, seeing how much I truly care about a person. I didn't know I could feel that much.
But I knew I had to let him go in order for him to figure out things on his own. And sure, I don't know if he started talking to other girls during that time, fine. But I got what I hoped for in the end, he came back to me.
It's difficult for me to imagine life without him. It really is. I'm just choosing to not do that right now. Because why would I? From a completely selfish standpoint, he is what is best for me right now. He makes me happier than any other person. I'm making a choice to see this through, even within these next few months. Why would I end something that feels so right? I'm trying not to have a plan for my life right now, and with that said I'm trying to take this for what it is right now. Yes he may seem to be someone I could spend the rest of my life with, like in the most non-creep way possible I could imagine this fulfilling life with him being married with kids. We just make such a good team. But I'm not focusing on the future, even if he and I don't see it the same (although that is the problem ultimately is this part of the future is seen identically). Why worry about that now? Why push me away now when we aren't even there? I just want to live my life and why not have an amazing guy who has become such an important part of my life stick around for some of it? Yeah he may want out later, but why kill it when it's good? I just have more love to give right now that I am choosing to not give to anyone else. Because no one is loving me better right now than him. And I can say confidently that I am doing the same for him right now too. It's just not computing for me and I need a better reason. His reason isn't good enough for me.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
World's Difference
I would just like to say that I love love. Yes, I realize the tone of this is already starting off completely different than most of my posts as of recent. But I really do. It amazes me the power it has on someone, anyone. It affects their entire perspective, their way of living. I think the month of June and I suppose May as well were kind of low points for me this year. It really shows me now where I am in a regular state of mind just how powerful love can be and what it can do to you, for better and for worse. It's like a pill that if I don't have it, I can't function. Or it can literally drive you insane. Thinking of every outcome, every possible situation that you could be in just to prepare yourself for the worst. Making your mind wander into dark places that really is just making you feel worse, and feel less of a person.
Now that I have been reading more about the Keirsey personality profiles, the ENFJ profile has been helping me understand how I see myself in a relationship. It brings more clarity to read that I'm not insane for putting other's needs before mine (not trying to be self righteous here, I literally will put any of my friend's needs before mine especially a s.o. ) and that it is part of my temperament to be a people pleaser. It also helps me realize that I need to start paying attention to myself more often and remember that I have needs too. Haha.
That's what makes people love each other in the first place, I think. They see you and all the things that make you, you. What food you like, how you react in situations, how your personality compliments theirs, common interests. If I forget what makes me how I am, then what could I possibly offer in a positive way to a relationship? You don't want to become the same person as who you're with; it's that combination of similarities and differences that brought you two together.
That was a point that was made when I had a heart to heart with the bf over the weekend. He wants me to voice my opinions more and what I want. It wasn't that easy though; I got to a place emotionally where I felt too scared to even say that I wanted to see him, because I thought he would just say no. I didn't want to smother him, or be on this higher level of love and commitment than him. And once we both got out in the air what our current anxieties of the relationship were, I know that I felt just a huge breath of relief and I could tell he did too.
One thing I felt so bad about about was I accidentally let it slip out that I had made reservations to take him to dinner and everything which I didn't ever plan on telling him. Yeah, I was upset that he didn't want to see me but I just wanted him to have a good birthday and it be on his terms whatever he wanted to do. After my dance performance he was weird and funky and I immediately thought, oh shit please not again we were starting to do so well and now he's back to being weird and depressed and not feeling it. Him feeling bad about "ruining" my birthday plans for him opened up all these repressed anxieties we were both having about the relationship and it was such a relief. I even had the courage to tell him that I thought he wasn't in love with me anymore and it sucked to hear myself say it out loud, but I wanted him to know how I felt.
Basically, by the end of our hour and 45 minute conversation in my car, we decided to say goodbye and we didn't want to leave each other. It was like old times. He even said he would miss me. I hadn't heard that in a long time. Ever since then, we have been back to our old selves, sending stupid photos and updating throughout the day. I am not holding back with asking to hang out, and it is so refreshing. It's nice to feel wanted again and loved. While it's not 100% back to where it was, it is pretty damn close. Like a world's difference from even two weeks ago. I can't believe I have the old boyfriend back. He even changed his plans to be able to see me on the 4th of July which was shocking, I even told him to not worry about changing his camping trip but he did anyway. He is also going to Hawaii too to visit me, and I am so so excited.
On a separate note, I have my surgery scheduled for a week from Monday. Finally this sucker is coming out. I wonder if it has been the cause of the years of abdominal pain I've had. If it all goes away, that'll be amazing. If not, turns out Accutane did fuck up my body.
I also got my first credit card bill back. Holy shit, I spent money so fast. :(
Now that I have been reading more about the Keirsey personality profiles, the ENFJ profile has been helping me understand how I see myself in a relationship. It brings more clarity to read that I'm not insane for putting other's needs before mine (not trying to be self righteous here, I literally will put any of my friend's needs before mine especially a s.o. ) and that it is part of my temperament to be a people pleaser. It also helps me realize that I need to start paying attention to myself more often and remember that I have needs too. Haha.
That's what makes people love each other in the first place, I think. They see you and all the things that make you, you. What food you like, how you react in situations, how your personality compliments theirs, common interests. If I forget what makes me how I am, then what could I possibly offer in a positive way to a relationship? You don't want to become the same person as who you're with; it's that combination of similarities and differences that brought you two together.
That was a point that was made when I had a heart to heart with the bf over the weekend. He wants me to voice my opinions more and what I want. It wasn't that easy though; I got to a place emotionally where I felt too scared to even say that I wanted to see him, because I thought he would just say no. I didn't want to smother him, or be on this higher level of love and commitment than him. And once we both got out in the air what our current anxieties of the relationship were, I know that I felt just a huge breath of relief and I could tell he did too.
One thing I felt so bad about about was I accidentally let it slip out that I had made reservations to take him to dinner and everything which I didn't ever plan on telling him. Yeah, I was upset that he didn't want to see me but I just wanted him to have a good birthday and it be on his terms whatever he wanted to do. After my dance performance he was weird and funky and I immediately thought, oh shit please not again we were starting to do so well and now he's back to being weird and depressed and not feeling it. Him feeling bad about "ruining" my birthday plans for him opened up all these repressed anxieties we were both having about the relationship and it was such a relief. I even had the courage to tell him that I thought he wasn't in love with me anymore and it sucked to hear myself say it out loud, but I wanted him to know how I felt.
Basically, by the end of our hour and 45 minute conversation in my car, we decided to say goodbye and we didn't want to leave each other. It was like old times. He even said he would miss me. I hadn't heard that in a long time. Ever since then, we have been back to our old selves, sending stupid photos and updating throughout the day. I am not holding back with asking to hang out, and it is so refreshing. It's nice to feel wanted again and loved. While it's not 100% back to where it was, it is pretty damn close. Like a world's difference from even two weeks ago. I can't believe I have the old boyfriend back. He even changed his plans to be able to see me on the 4th of July which was shocking, I even told him to not worry about changing his camping trip but he did anyway. He is also going to Hawaii too to visit me, and I am so so excited.
On a separate note, I have my surgery scheduled for a week from Monday. Finally this sucker is coming out. I wonder if it has been the cause of the years of abdominal pain I've had. If it all goes away, that'll be amazing. If not, turns out Accutane did fuck up my body.
I also got my first credit card bill back. Holy shit, I spent money so fast. :(
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Three Days or Eternity
Last night after ballroom class, David and I hung out and he let me drive his new 350Z. I was surprised that I still somehow remember how to drive stick shift. It was exhilarating, even if I was only going 7mph in the parking lot. I sweat up a fucking storm too at the class. My friends thought I was joking when I said that you will leave dripping in sweat; we ALL were. Then the teacher said she was going to pick a winner for the best samba, and couldn't choose a winner so she chose three - I was one of them! It was such a confidence booster. Also, it helped that when this other woman Caroline was asked to demonstrate, my friend was like "Just so you know you look 7x sexier when you do that". I laughed out loud like during this woman's demonstration; felt so bad. It's weird how like some of my guy friends say the most forward things, but I know it doesn't mean anything. And then I have some guy friends that could literally just brush my shoulder differently and a radar goes off. Isn't that strange how intuition works? For the most part, mine has been pretty spot on.
Saturday night my friends took me out for my birthday, and I got drunk before I even left the house. We were all taking shots (I took 5, bad choice) and ended up so drunk and didn't order one drink once we were out. I had a blast, and then afterwards I had the bf come pick us up, I just didn't feel right. Two people who I was supposed to trust were being super handsy with me, and it didn't even piss me off - it actually hurt my feelings. These are my close guy friends, and they're supposed to be people that I trust and also respect me. That night I felt like they didn't have respect for me, or for my relationship OR for that matter, my boyfriend. This is someone that they have hung out with before. Anyway, the whole situation just angers me.
I sit here on I think what is day 3 now of not speaking to the bf. We decided this. I need to keep reminding myself that I am the one that initially brought this up. I wanted the space, for him. I knew he would benefit from it. I'm just so fucking scared that at the end of this week I will lose it all.
I made him a fucking adorable birthday card today. I have had this idea stuck in my head for MONTHS and I finally made it today. I decided that even if he doesn't want to be with me, I still want him to have the card and the birthday gift from me. The card has some mush in it, but it is pretty funny and I know he would like it regardless. Just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I will stop caring about him or not want him to have a good birthday. I know he will just love his gift too. This is not me getting carried away; I have already thought of the best possible outcome of the week and the worst, and I am of course preparing myself for the worst more. Out of fear. Since I am such a chicken with my feelings.
I miss him so much. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I see this in two different ways. Either the absence makes you miss each other more, or you get used to that void and you're like ok, I could do this. This is not bad. I hope it isn't the latter for him. I feel so preachy and whiny talking about this. I can't help it though.
I planned a birthday gathering for myself and I don't even feel like having it. I don't feel like entertaining. I might just cancel it.
Well, back to Mad Men. Maybe I can finish the entire season tonight. I have finished 4 seasons in 1 week and a half. That is called a problem.
Saturday night my friends took me out for my birthday, and I got drunk before I even left the house. We were all taking shots (I took 5, bad choice) and ended up so drunk and didn't order one drink once we were out. I had a blast, and then afterwards I had the bf come pick us up, I just didn't feel right. Two people who I was supposed to trust were being super handsy with me, and it didn't even piss me off - it actually hurt my feelings. These are my close guy friends, and they're supposed to be people that I trust and also respect me. That night I felt like they didn't have respect for me, or for my relationship OR for that matter, my boyfriend. This is someone that they have hung out with before. Anyway, the whole situation just angers me.
I sit here on I think what is day 3 now of not speaking to the bf. We decided this. I need to keep reminding myself that I am the one that initially brought this up. I wanted the space, for him. I knew he would benefit from it. I'm just so fucking scared that at the end of this week I will lose it all.
I made him a fucking adorable birthday card today. I have had this idea stuck in my head for MONTHS and I finally made it today. I decided that even if he doesn't want to be with me, I still want him to have the card and the birthday gift from me. The card has some mush in it, but it is pretty funny and I know he would like it regardless. Just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I will stop caring about him or not want him to have a good birthday. I know he will just love his gift too. This is not me getting carried away; I have already thought of the best possible outcome of the week and the worst, and I am of course preparing myself for the worst more. Out of fear. Since I am such a chicken with my feelings.
I miss him so much. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I see this in two different ways. Either the absence makes you miss each other more, or you get used to that void and you're like ok, I could do this. This is not bad. I hope it isn't the latter for him. I feel so preachy and whiny talking about this. I can't help it though.
I planned a birthday gathering for myself and I don't even feel like having it. I don't feel like entertaining. I might just cancel it.
Well, back to Mad Men. Maybe I can finish the entire season tonight. I have finished 4 seasons in 1 week and a half. That is called a problem.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Space
The space never scared me. I am the one that suggested space, weeks ago. But he is right; we haven't really honored that at all because we keep dancing together, being in social situations together, when we aren't ready to be back to start being a couple again. I keep saying we, I'm ready. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and I have been. So I guess I should be saying "him". He is not ready, and needs to decompress from it all. That is completely fine.
What scares me is I feel like I am always one step ahead in this. I knew I loved him before he loved me, I see things between us before he does, and then I call it out and want to talk about it. I have been so willing and so ready to make it work and tried everything to make it better. Again I feel like I've said this before, but it's not like he treats me badly. There's just nothing at all. I'm not special anymore. I don't feel loved.
What scares me is that after this "space" of a week, what if it isn't all better? He's just going to give up and call it quits? I don't need a time stamp; we made one just because we decided on that but what if it takes him longer than a week and he doesn't know that? And then he just drops me. And ends it. It will break me. That is what scares me. I am afraid to be a hopeless romantic and believe that at the end of this week, on my birthday, that he will decide to drive to Prescott and surprise me and say, "Let's make this work." Best case scenario that would be the best birthday present. I don't even want something tangible. I just want a commitment that we are going to try and be better partners in this relationship. What if this week doesn't give him enough time to process all that and give it another chance? I know that I can be a better girlfriend to him. Before, I didn't accept that I couldn't be a fixer and not know everything. It was foreign to me and so unlike any situation I've been a part of. But I realize now that I can't control everything; and if he just communicates to me that he needs space to himself I am okay with that. These times when he needs space and it has nothing to do with me, I am okay with giving him space just as long as he lets me know it isn't anything about me. Just simple communication.
It's strange, I think communication is our strength and our weakness. I've never been able to open up and talk to him and just resolve issues about my life and everything with anyone else like him. When he is in boyfriend mode, he is close to perfect.
I'm just afraid. I am so afraid he doesn't see what we have, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to. I want to be positive and just trust it and think, yes... he will remember what we had and then want to come back. But what if I get all my hopes up this week, just for him to crush me at the end of the week, on or after or before my birthday?
Please god or whoever is up there. Give me strength to accept whatever he decides. Even after writing that, it sounds like such a surrender. I am not ready to give up yet. That is the problem. I want to do what he wants, and I can't force him to be with me. That's just what is breaking me most, is the thought that at the end of this week he might think it's not worth it. Even throughout all of this, all the anxiety and sadness has been in hopes that we will work it out. Please god help him remember the good that comes from us being together. He has made me the happiest anyone ever has, in every way. Help him remember that I can make him happy again too if he lets me back in.
What scares me is I feel like I am always one step ahead in this. I knew I loved him before he loved me, I see things between us before he does, and then I call it out and want to talk about it. I have been so willing and so ready to make it work and tried everything to make it better. Again I feel like I've said this before, but it's not like he treats me badly. There's just nothing at all. I'm not special anymore. I don't feel loved.
What scares me is that after this "space" of a week, what if it isn't all better? He's just going to give up and call it quits? I don't need a time stamp; we made one just because we decided on that but what if it takes him longer than a week and he doesn't know that? And then he just drops me. And ends it. It will break me. That is what scares me. I am afraid to be a hopeless romantic and believe that at the end of this week, on my birthday, that he will decide to drive to Prescott and surprise me and say, "Let's make this work." Best case scenario that would be the best birthday present. I don't even want something tangible. I just want a commitment that we are going to try and be better partners in this relationship. What if this week doesn't give him enough time to process all that and give it another chance? I know that I can be a better girlfriend to him. Before, I didn't accept that I couldn't be a fixer and not know everything. It was foreign to me and so unlike any situation I've been a part of. But I realize now that I can't control everything; and if he just communicates to me that he needs space to himself I am okay with that. These times when he needs space and it has nothing to do with me, I am okay with giving him space just as long as he lets me know it isn't anything about me. Just simple communication.
It's strange, I think communication is our strength and our weakness. I've never been able to open up and talk to him and just resolve issues about my life and everything with anyone else like him. When he is in boyfriend mode, he is close to perfect.
I'm just afraid. I am so afraid he doesn't see what we have, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to. I want to be positive and just trust it and think, yes... he will remember what we had and then want to come back. But what if I get all my hopes up this week, just for him to crush me at the end of the week, on or after or before my birthday?
Please god or whoever is up there. Give me strength to accept whatever he decides. Even after writing that, it sounds like such a surrender. I am not ready to give up yet. That is the problem. I want to do what he wants, and I can't force him to be with me. That's just what is breaking me most, is the thought that at the end of this week he might think it's not worth it. Even throughout all of this, all the anxiety and sadness has been in hopes that we will work it out. Please god help him remember the good that comes from us being together. He has made me the happiest anyone ever has, in every way. Help him remember that I can make him happy again too if he lets me back in.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
ENFJ
I haven't taken a personality thing like this in awhile, and damn it is crazy that this is the first time that I have felt it really pegged my personality closer than other things I've done. I used the link from humanmetrics.com and got the "ENFJ" result. Actually more specifically I got "ESFJ" first, and then at the bottom it said because I scored a low percentage one one of the categories it could mean I am "ENFJ" too. So I read that one, and it fit me so much more.
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From the website:
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From the website:
ESFJ Description
Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes.
All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs, as do most SJs, bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service (which embodies life's meaning) and expect the same from others.
ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.
Strong, contradictory forces consume the ESFJ. Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive. This sometimes results in swift, immediate action taken upon a transgressor, followed by stern reprimand; ultimately, however, the prodigal is wrested from the gallows of their folly, just as the noose tightens and all hope is lost, by the very executioner!
An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.
As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around--germs within, the elements without, unscrupulous malefactors, insidious character flaws. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid; 'hyper-vigilant' would be more precise. And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and elementary education.
(ESFJ stands for Extravert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging and represents individual's preferences in four dimensions characterising personality type, according to Jung's and Briggs Myers' theories of personality type.)
Pathetic
I am trying so fucking hard to separate myself. If tonight is what is "normal" for us now, I don't want it. I don't feel fulfilled in any way, shape or form. The only time I get attention is if he wants to do things with me. That is the only time I feel like he wants to be around me. Today is a time when we are around friends and he was silent. I tried to be normal, and this was not his normal self. Has is normal way changed around me? This isn't the same guy that I fell in love with. This is the guy that causes me anxiety, depression, anger. I even question myself if he is in love with me. He never tells me he loves me; the only times he has was when I've been crying or really upset. Then he becomes boyfriend to the rescue. Other than that, I am afraid to tell him I love him because I am afraid I won't hear it back, and that hurts. No, a fucking heart does not count as a fucking response.
Is our time over? Are we passed the honeymoon stage? I feel like I'm treated like a wife that is busy raising children and like isn't hot or something anymore. I want to feel wanted, and needed, and appreciated. I don't feel that way. He gets mad that I am so insecure about us but can he blame me? The inconsistency is so stressful and like I said, if this is him "normal" with me now, I don't want it. I don't want it at all. It hurts. It hurts feeling like I can't hold his hand. His body feels cold. What is wrong with me? What am I good for to him if this is how he treats me? I don't want to bring up another fight because it'll just make things worse. Every time I bring up something, I'm trying to make it better and I try to be understanding. I suppose I just have to see how long I can stick this out for? I feel like this is going to make me completely numb if I can't voice out anything.
I feel like I am making it worse both ways, by saying something and not saying anything at all. I can't win in this situation. All I'm doing is making him love me less.
I wish in these situations someone could just tell me what to do. I like to think that I wouldn't put up with this shit in any other relationship; but I think I would. Because that's just the type of person I am. I love with my whole heart and put my whole heart into a relationship. So that's what sucks. Is that I am probably going to be walked all over in most of my relationships unless I become a cold hearted bitch and make myself immune to this stuff. I make myself so vulnerable and it isn't fair.
The sensible person inside me is saying, "Jesus Tiffany break up with this guy. He makes you cry a few times a week, literally has no idea; and when you try and care it pushes him away further." But the hopeless romantic in me sees the good in him, and lives for that good. It's like I'm waiting for that next good moment to happen.
My patheticness actually makes me cry more. I sound ridiculous right now.
I just came across this quote "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" - and I used to live by this every day back when my OCD was almost out of control and I let the smallest thought consume me. I would tell myself this all the time and it would work, temporarily.
I should think about this now; but at the same time, doing this is kind of ignorant. So, just don't focus on the negativity so it doesn't consume you? Don't we want to acknowledge the negativity in hopes that it will eventually dissipate? I could ignore the clear space that is between my boyfriend I and focus on the good which on the "good" days is exactly what I try to do. But on these bad days, it's like all those emotions that I have compartmentalized have surfaced because I'm being treated like dirt. And it's crazy - he is never like, vocally bad. People would never look at us and say, "Wow, that is a shitty boyfriend right there." Because it's not what he does, it is what he doesn't do. He doesn't remind me how important I am to him (if really at this point I question my role in his life). He doesn't make me feel included in his plans, and most of the time I feel like an after thought. He doesn't make me feel wanted when we aren't being intimate. I don't feel like a priority to him. I feel like for him at this point his "once a week time" with me has been fulfilled by this birthday dinner. I really do.
All this bitching and whining. You ask why am I not doing something about it? I have tried. I have poured my heart and soul and tears and body into this relationship. All for the better. I have tried and tried and tried. Why can't he let me in. Why am I not good enough.
Is our time over? Are we passed the honeymoon stage? I feel like I'm treated like a wife that is busy raising children and like isn't hot or something anymore. I want to feel wanted, and needed, and appreciated. I don't feel that way. He gets mad that I am so insecure about us but can he blame me? The inconsistency is so stressful and like I said, if this is him "normal" with me now, I don't want it. I don't want it at all. It hurts. It hurts feeling like I can't hold his hand. His body feels cold. What is wrong with me? What am I good for to him if this is how he treats me? I don't want to bring up another fight because it'll just make things worse. Every time I bring up something, I'm trying to make it better and I try to be understanding. I suppose I just have to see how long I can stick this out for? I feel like this is going to make me completely numb if I can't voice out anything.
I feel like I am making it worse both ways, by saying something and not saying anything at all. I can't win in this situation. All I'm doing is making him love me less.
I wish in these situations someone could just tell me what to do. I like to think that I wouldn't put up with this shit in any other relationship; but I think I would. Because that's just the type of person I am. I love with my whole heart and put my whole heart into a relationship. So that's what sucks. Is that I am probably going to be walked all over in most of my relationships unless I become a cold hearted bitch and make myself immune to this stuff. I make myself so vulnerable and it isn't fair.
The sensible person inside me is saying, "Jesus Tiffany break up with this guy. He makes you cry a few times a week, literally has no idea; and when you try and care it pushes him away further." But the hopeless romantic in me sees the good in him, and lives for that good. It's like I'm waiting for that next good moment to happen.
My patheticness actually makes me cry more. I sound ridiculous right now.
I just came across this quote "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" - and I used to live by this every day back when my OCD was almost out of control and I let the smallest thought consume me. I would tell myself this all the time and it would work, temporarily.
I should think about this now; but at the same time, doing this is kind of ignorant. So, just don't focus on the negativity so it doesn't consume you? Don't we want to acknowledge the negativity in hopes that it will eventually dissipate? I could ignore the clear space that is between my boyfriend I and focus on the good which on the "good" days is exactly what I try to do. But on these bad days, it's like all those emotions that I have compartmentalized have surfaced because I'm being treated like dirt. And it's crazy - he is never like, vocally bad. People would never look at us and say, "Wow, that is a shitty boyfriend right there." Because it's not what he does, it is what he doesn't do. He doesn't remind me how important I am to him (if really at this point I question my role in his life). He doesn't make me feel included in his plans, and most of the time I feel like an after thought. He doesn't make me feel wanted when we aren't being intimate. I don't feel like a priority to him. I feel like for him at this point his "once a week time" with me has been fulfilled by this birthday dinner. I really do.
All this bitching and whining. You ask why am I not doing something about it? I have tried. I have poured my heart and soul and tears and body into this relationship. All for the better. I have tried and tried and tried. Why can't he let me in. Why am I not good enough.
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