Rootin tootin

The rodeo dance was last night, and this is an event in Prescott that I think has been going on for a while, but I only started going my Freshman year of high school. Last night's time was by far the most fun I've ever had at this event. Partially because I got a little intoxicated - but it definitely made it truly more fun. I hung out with some old friends, and I was so happy to reconnect with them. I also shared Tyler with some of my friends because I know what it was like to be at the rodeo dance without a date! So I told him to dance with some of my friends. He was hesitant at first, but come on it's not like they're getting married - just a dance! haha.

Today I think my family is finally going to sign the lease papers for my new apartment! :) I'm so excited to room with Courtney next year.

Well, not much has been happening in my life really. I have started practicing hard core though, like I should've been all summer. haha. Oops.


xox

Rest in Peace

Why is it always the nice people that die. Or bad things happen to. Why? I don't understand how some people continue to walk this earth, wreaking havoc; breaking hearts, killing, stealing, manipulating, lying. Just terrible things happening. And then some that do nothing; do nothing to deserve to die, do die. Why would God let bad things happen to people that don't deserve it.

I just don't understand. Is it bad that I have wished death upon someone before? I mean, I may not be so fixated on hating people so much anymore. But it doesn't mean I still don't wish those people a horrible life or an abundance of unhappiness. I know it's mean and I shouldn't, but it doesn't change that I still do. Call me a horrible person, whatever. But I just think the wrong things absolutely happen to the wrong people.

You might say, Well what deems you the person to say that they wrongfully died? OR that that person deserves pain?

I guess I can't say anything and only God can do something like that.


Death just confuses me sometimes, and leaves me wondering when my time will come. Even though I'm not afraid of it, just the randomness of it makes me wonder if I'll even live to see 35. I haven't done anything wrong or deserving of pain or unhappiness (not like I feel there are alot that actual do deserve it. I'm not THAT bad of a person).. It's just so random that it makes you wonder if you'll ever make it to when you want to.

Another death of someone I know/knew is a wake up call for me. I don't want to take anything for granted, or think "Eh, I'll talk to them in a couple days." or, "I'll catch up with them sometime soon." What the hell do you have to lose? What could be so important that you have to hold off? You don't know if that person going to be around. You just don't. So I think I'm going to really try hard to put myself in a different mind set especially when angry and think to myself, and even if it's depressing, "Don't take them for granted. Love while you still can. Talk to them without holding back, don't let grudges get in the way of action. Don't let what happened hold you back from what happens next." I just can't anymore. I can't keep taking so many things for granted. When people are suddenly dying out of nowhere, it gets you thinking. I never want to have a friend, or someone close die and all I can think of is, "I wish I could've.....". I never want to think that. I never want to wish I could say this, or could have done that. I don't want anyone else to do that to me either. I want to be able to say if someone passes that, I affected their life for the better. They're in a better place now. And that's it. I want others to feel the same way when I die. That's all I want to think. I don't want to think that there were so many things I didn't get to say, or do.
That can take a toll on someone, especially an obsessive, compulsive mind like mine. You couldn't imagine (or maybe you could) the kind of things I obsess about, and you wouldn't believe for how long. It eats my insides up. It tears my soul, to put it dramatically. It takes over my personality, and my life revolves around it. And something so unimportant as a stupid bitch gets into my head?! I cannot simply imagine what would happen if someone super close to me suddenly left. Just like Alec. I felt so bad that I couldn't have one last heart to heart before he died. Him and I were close the first couple years of high school, but by our Senior year, it was just passing by in the hallways saying hi. That's why I think if you know it's your time, it is your time. Maybe a couple days before he died, I saw him in the same place before third hour as I did every day, and that one particular day, he stopped me and instead of just saying hi, he gave me a big, bear Alec hug. He asked how I was, and that he missed seeing me every day for class. Maybe that's dumb to think he knew, but I'll never forget that. So maybe all I wish I could do is just say thank you. Thank you for noticing me, especially on the days that I felt invisible.


Don't let anything stop you from doing someone or seeing someone, because you never know when it could be your last talk with them. Or their last talk with you. To make this not so depressing.... I'm going to try not to let small things upset me.


Well, live your life. Live it the way you want, and hug people. Hug them. Just to do it. Get yourself out of bed and work out and take a run, eat healthier. Make yourself feel better about yourself. And to be honest, I really should be taking my own advice.
I think that's it. RIP Riley - for all those nonbelievers, he could be in a better place. Don't just think about him underground and staying there. He could be in a place called heaven.

Melissa & Tiffany Reunion

It had been a year since i had seen one of my closest friends, MELISSA!! I decided that I would go and see her because she was working all summer in Phoenix, and I was stuck in Prescott. Last week, I stayed with her for the whole week just about! After getting back from Mexico, my mom dropped me right off at Melissa's. We went shopping, tanned, swam, ATE, danced. It was so fun. And I really needed it. I needed to get out! I will include some pictures later in this post.

I have said previously I think that if it weren't for my friend Maddie, I wouldn't be as happy as i am right now, and be in the great relationship that I'm in right now. Well, if it weren't for mine and Melissa's reality show conversation one on one poolside my last night with her in Phoenix, my self esteem /other aspects of myself and relationships with others probably wouldn't have changed, and been on the road to recovery and getting better. Melissa is a psych major, and it is paying off. Haha. She might've used her own conventional ways - ahem, slapping me silly, literally. But it worked. I cried, and I vented. And she listened. Like a great friend does. She wasn't just a friend that day though, she was an unbiased party which is what I needed. Of course she didn't completely grill me the whole time; there were a few things that she actually agreed with me on and thought was "dumb" or "stupid" as I did. But uh, let me tell you there were quite a few things that she did grill me on. One being, trying to tell me there's no reason why a girl should feel insecure about themselves, and especially over someone else that doesn't compare, and isn't even worth wasting breath over. The way she put it was a way I needed to hear it. Strangely enough, when she said anything I wasn't upset. I cried, but it was more of embarassment and ..well. being ashamed; she put me in my place. I wish my boyfriend were there too, because I feel like she needed to slap him silly on a few things too. Only a few, though. It's mostly me. But hey, I'm working on it. and I can say without lying that I am already feeling better. It's hard, not to revert to my old mindset of going about *things*. It's hard. But I am getting better. It won't change overnight, but I'm working on it, and I haven't said anything to my boyfriend that "Rhymes with whipped cream", as Melissa said, haha. I do feel shitty sometimes, for the way I react about things. I mean I have reasons, but so does everyone. It was nice to talk to someone about it that wasn't just gonna tell me like, "Oh, you're right. She IS ugly." Or, "Yeah. He IS dumb. Why would he even bother?!" But give me a reason behind it. So, to reassure my mind that I'm not completely neurotic, or to assure that I was wrong. It was good. She is a gem. I know that after that week I spent with her and Sierra (her roommate, who I also went to high school with who is an absolute doll), I know her and I will be friends for a long time.. I just know it. She's just that important to me that I wouldn't let it be any other way.

Well. I am watching Sweet Home Alabama right now and damn does this movie hit the spot for heartstrings! Wish I had am an cuddlin' me right now.

Mexico 2011

HELLO! My family made another Summer trip to Mexico, just like last year's. Here are some photos from then:









As you can see in the first (sideways) picture, we encountered HORRENDOUS traffic at the border. My family isn't really into little weekend roadtrips; we're kindof the fly & go type. So we did a memorial day weekend trip, and wow - I don't think my family knew that everyone in Arizona goes to Mexico for Memorial Day! Haha! It was packed! Our hotel was also the hotel to be at for the younger crowd, as well. The radio station 98.3 was at our hotel the whole weekend blasting music by the pool, and it was just a big party. I only drank once the whole weekend, and it was with my mom and sister. Pretty eventful (not really) - and I was the only one tipsy! Haha...

A lot happened this weekend as far as progression. I don't even know if I should go into detail just because this blog really is public; my feelings and anguish is one thing to share about, no big - however, family issues I feel is something that I should probably keep private. So in a nutshell, I got off alot of stuff off my chest that has been built up pretty much all through high school, as well as just over the past couple months or so. Remember I mentioned my parents and their feelings on the revolution of teenagers (including myself)? Well we definitely discussed that. At this point, i am not really sure if it has done my family good. I feel like they are still going to be mad at me or whatever, but I definitely have more deserved freedom. When it comes to my boyfriend though, nothing's really changed. I bet if him and I were to go out when he finally moves back here, they'll still be calling me an hour after I leave asking where I am, what I'm doing, etc. If you've read far back enough, I've mentioned how his family has a reunion every year. Last year they invited me, and I wasn't able to go. Same as this year. I thought that you know, maybe after the *deep* discussion, they might be different and realize that, "hey. she's old enough now to make a decision and hang with who she wants." Nope. I'm not. my parents won't accept that I am smart enough to make decisions...smart decisions.

I'm obviously bitter. So i'm going to write a happier post now.

Mexico, again

Well my family has ventured again to Puerto Penasco (Rocky Point to Americans) for Memorial Day weekend. right now I can actually say i am BORED!

To Update, I am getting a root canal done tomorrow. To explain it short, my previous dentist in Arizona completely screwed up mine and the rest of my family's mouths. Really, though. But hey these dentists here are finding all the faults and they are miracle workers! And hard workers too, amazing!

My sister was especially immature today. I guess really she is just immature overall. Very. She was upset that I wanted to put on lotion to be smooth in the pictures we were going to take on the beach, so she stormed away and goes, "You better not put that stuff on, or else we're not going." Um, seriously? Yup it happened. So I was thinkin SCREW that, I will put on whatever the hell I want to put on. You know? So I did. And she went and got my mom, and I was no longer allowed to be in the pictures. Later though my mom yelled and made me come over to be in pictures. Sooo, to be even more immature, Later when we were looking at pictures by the pool she decided she wanted a picture by the pool. She goes, "take my picture by the pool." I'm thinkin, jeez you could've asked a little nicer so I said, maybe if you're nicer! She flipped a b*tch.. She said she was going to delete all the pictures she took of me. And I thought she was kidding, but today at lunch I took a picture of my mom and her together and I looked through them and she actually did! She deleted the pictures of me. I was so appalled, and I thought she might be a little more mature than that. Oh, well. Yes, that is my 21 year old sister for you...

Today was a pool day. I got extremely bored, too. I can't be at the pool all day, it sucks! That's why I enjoy fake tanning (even if it's bad for you I KNOW!!!) because the results are so much quicker and I hate laying out all day. It's so boring. I'd rather go on a hike, or rock climb or SOMETHING!

Last night I was supposed to go out and party and stuff with my brother and sister, but my sister and I fell asleep too long *napping*.. haha. We were way too pooped from the sun! I'm trying to think what else we've done here... there's been some pretty random conversations going on here in regards with family... Let me see if I can pull up a snippet of what I shared with Tyler in a message :

Gooood mornin. I woke up early and went down to the lobby, and in the process woke up the rest of my family so i do not have as much time as I would've wanted on here. By the way, wish Kyle congrats for me. Sorry I wasn't able to be there for his graduation. I was planning on going to the graduation because, well, for obvious reasons. but then my dad switched the mexico date. WOW. what a day that it's been. I told my brother all the stuff that's been going on in my life while him and i were waiting in the front of the hotel for my dad, mom and sister... how they won't let me and you hang out really and stuff. and then he was going nuts. and then somehow at dinner jason was saying something about the way they're treating me is.. and wouldn't finish his sentences because he couldn't believe what was going on. And something about curfew came up and that literally sent him over the edge and he was like YOU STILL HAVE A CURFEW?!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!??!?!?!?!?!? and I was even shocked how much this erked him. and my dad was like "Don't look at me, I'm still in Tucson..." (like he isnt' the one texting me at 10 asking where I am) and my mom didn't even say anything. It really helps to know that I'm not just one of those kids that is like, "MY PARENTS ARE SO MUCH HARDER ON ME AND DONT LET ME DO ANYTHING!!" - but really the parents do and the person is just a spoiled brat. This, I actually got as assurance that in fact my parents are indeed much harder on me. and the fact that my brother was so appalled - I think it helped. and even I asked my sister in the bathroom something and I told her to admit that mom and dad are harder on me, and she was like "they're hard on me too. i just spent my entire life trying to be the perfect child." and then i was like BUT tell me if you actually notice if theyre harder on me. And my sister FINALLY. finally admitted it! my GOD! I couldn't believe it. That is great fuel now for when I want to go out or something, haha. I don't know what to do anymore. I do feel a little less crazy of a person now than I did a week ago after all of this. My family has been on some crazy topics too on the way down here, and just at dinner and stuff. 

my brother thinks my mom needs therapy too. he thinks our whole fam could use it. i brought up the idea to my parents and I TOLD you they wouldn't care! 

So, that was a bigger "snippet" than I thought. But that is a big update of conversation that happened to be going on here. I am really enjoying my free time as I can, but at the same time I'm stressing out about school next year. I'm not quite sure what I want to do with my life. Heck, I just want to be happy. I want to be happy; I want my family to be happy and accepting of my choices, and I also want to just be HAPPY!. Wanna travel with friends, anyone. I just want to RELAX! Can college be over yet?!

I guess that's it for now, until I can think of something else. OH!!! Yes! I am going to be spending some time with one of my closest friends Melissa soon (SHOUT OUT TO YOU GIRL HEY!!) and I cannot wait. We're gonna have such a good time!

Mini- Dream Interpretation, no. 4

After I went on a run this morning, I came back home and I felt so, so sick. I thought I was going to throw up. I needed to lay down, and rest. So I did, and there are 2 things i remember right before I dozed off - it was like pre-dreaming, but it was still something i want to document since this whole week has been pretty shitty for me.

source: dreammoods.com

Meatballs
To make meatballs in your dream, indicate that a new idea is forming or a new project is taking shape.

Lace
To see lace in your dream, points to your sensuality and femininity. Alternatively, it denotes tradition and old fashioned ideals. Perhaps you are being overly practical in some area of your life.

I think I am being overly traditional. I agree, and that's where my new idea forms. Hey, if someone's dating someone and they can't stop looking at pictures of hot girls saying, "I just couldn't believe I went to high school with this *swimsuit* model" (sorry, Had to asterisk that because I was lead to believe she was into lingerie, but clearly I didn't look hard enough like someone else did.). If people can do that in relationships, then so can I! I am going to live more freely. I will not be "tied down". God, I'm not even married. I should be enjoying life, not acting like a settled down married wife when her "husband" is too busy looking at hotness on the web. Whatever. I'm definitely going to focus on more Me this summer, because I have definitely, lost who I am this past year or so. Writing is helping me right now. I think (or would like to think) I will be okay. Summer will be good for me. Food will be. Exercise. Fun. Life. Ah.

xox

Dream Interpretation, no. 3

I decided to publicly, for the third time share the interpretations of the dream I had before I woke up, because I know it's all about an issue that I am going to have to deal with and face.

source: dreammoods.com

Pregnant
To dream that you are pregnant, symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. Being pregnant in your dream may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal. Alternatively, if you are trying to get pregnant, then the dream may be a wish fulfillment. If you are not trying to get pregnant, but dream that you are, then it symbolizes fear of new responsibilities.


When it comes to this, I think I have been dreaming about this for a while because of the issues I've had with my mom since monday. When she confronted me back in January about being on the pill and doing the dirty, I was actually relieved. I thought I might finally have one of those mom-daughter relationships that I kind of always wanted. you know.. when the daughter and mom don't really have any secrets. I have always wanted that, but my parents haven't really allowed for that because of how highly unrealistic they always have been. On monday after my gynecologist appointment, I was really surprised how my mom was. She was totally okay to go get the pill and everything, and when I told her I wasn't comfortable using the certain one I got after reading the side effects online, she was okay with me switching. Yesterday we went to the Pharmacy to get it exchanged, and it was like Tuesday was the day for all hell to break loose.

Fainting
To dream that you are fainting, suggests your inability to confront some unconscious issues or feelings. You need to be more aware and acknowledge those feelings.

I refuse to confront my mom about how she was treating me yesterday, because I know she won't care. I know she won't.

Shark
To see a shark in your dream, indicates feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You are undergoing a long and difficult emotional period and may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others. Perhaps, you are struggling with your individuality and independence, especially in some aspect of your relationship. Alternatively, a shark represents a person in your life who is greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality with these qualities.

This one was kindof like a "WHOA," to me. I know I'm going through something really emotional right now, but I didn't know I was affecting others, haha. Oops. I don't know. It's emotional because it's sad for me to know now that I can't really count on my parents for support. Basically, if I were to get pregant, my parents would either disown me, or ship me off to the Philippines. When it comes to the pill, I thought my mom was going to be understanding. You know, when I talked to the doctor, that wasn't actually the only reason I was needing to go back onto the pill again. I have had a couple issues with my body - one being, I have had intense pain in my stomach after doin "stuff", and it then recedes to my back end area. She said that is probably "endometriosis", and that the pill actually helps treat that. So I was relieved. I have also skipped a few periods which I know isn't right, and I also am getting pretty bad skin again - I swear it's like high school all over again (skin wise haha). Not to mention, every period that happens is like TORTURE. I almost throw up from pain, and I literally can't do anything. It really sucks. And I know what it's like to be on the pill, because I was on it for almost a year. It really, really helped my skin as well as my periods. I loved it. It wasn't until after I got off that I remembered how bad my periods used to be, ha.
As the shark interpretation says, I am definitely struggling with independence. For sure. I am struggling with alot of aspects of wanting my parents to treat me like a decent human being and treat me with respect. Just because I have done something that is completely naturally human, they treat me like I'm the slut child and I haven't done anything right in life.

Feeding
To dream that you are feeding someone, indicates that someone in your life is in need of love and acceptance. That someone could be an aspect of yourself.

Yeah ... haha. In my dream I was on a rocky boat, feeding a shark talking to my mom. I don't remember specifics, but hey that's good enough. I think the person that my dream is telling me that needs love and acceptance, is me. I have never felt so alone as I do now. Even though I know I have friends, a loving boyfriend, and all of his family to support me, it doesn't mean anything really if I know my own family won't even support me. I thought it might be different if I start opening up and being honest and truthful to my mom, but it didn't. It went right back at me, and made me feel pretty shitty. No matter where we go, she finds a way to tie me having sex and society being terrible into what is going on at that very moment. When is this all going to stop?! She embarrasses me, and makes me feel like shit. I don't deserve the way she is treating me at all. All I really wanted was to feel like I would have the support of one of the most important people in my life, and I don't. Instead, she's walking all over me. She talks to whoever she can publicly, causing a scene.
"I don't understand the kids these days."
"Society is much different now."
"I'm ashamed to have to come here with my daughter buying this for her. You know, Tiffany, you are on your own after this. Find your own way to pay for these every month after this month because I don't support this, and I won't condone it."

How the hell does she think that makes me feel?

Boat
To dream that you are in or see a boat, signifies your ability to cope with and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether it is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself. The dream could be telling you not to rock the boat and to stay out of harm's way.

I'm not ready to confront my mom. I wish I was. But I guess in the meantime, I'll have to deal with her and her embarassing me, and making me feel worthless in public more. It sucks, but hey what can you do.

Bridesmaids

Don't worry, I'm not getting married.

I just had to say that BRIDESMAIDS was seriously one of the funniest movies I have ever seen! This might actually be the first movie that I have seen that I don't get bored at some point. Even if a movie is good, I am just so ADD that if there isn't excitement the whole time I will yawn a few times or look at my phone. But oh, no not this one. Laughed probably every 20 seconds on average, and to make it even better, my luck - the movie starts with an awkward 1 minute long sex scene, and I went and saw the movie with BOTH my mom and my boyfriend .hahahah Good times.

Anyway, PLEASE go see the movie. If you need someone to see it with you, I will gladly go again! it is really THAT funny.






now, the girl on the far left is my favorite. she MAKES the movie.




XOX

First Gyno Appointment

So my mom must've been having one of those crazy lady moods earlier today, because today she had to take me to the gyno (super awk by the way...) and then after that she was super nice. I mean, aside all of the "IT'S CHEAPER TO ABSTAIN" (opposed to the pill) and all those remarks, hey. she's a mom. She needs time to adjust.

I had my first gynecologist appointment today. It was strange and very, very awkward. When the gyno lady was down there, I even asked her, "Does this ever get awkward for you?" And she laughed and said, "I see this all day! I'd think its more awkward for you!!"

Obviously.

My gynecologist also before sticking some cold, gel covered metal inside my treasure chest, decided to give me a lecture on abstaining and why I should've. It's all really a blur since most of it I was trying to make go in one ear and out the other. She made clear points though how she has not once met someone that has waited till they were married to have sex if they regretted it. Haha. It's like LADY... WHAT do you expect me to do now?! What is the point of even telling me that?! She also said that waiting till after your married instills that trust/bond. She asked me if me and my boyfriend were serious, I go, "Well yeah. We've been dating for almost 2 and a half years." So clearly that meant nothing because she goes, "So, yeah, if you do end up marrying him, good. But what if he has business trips and is away for along time? You can't expect him to keep his pants up for too long since he didn't do the same for you." What the hell kind of analogy is that?! I was raised well, my mom did a good job. So I knew not to snap back at this sadly twisted woman. It was major mind bogglage. She was really, really nice though. And to be completley honest I was totally expecting that lecture, because a friend of mine has the same gynecologist and warned me that the woman was going to say some crazy things to me. Haha. So, in all fairness I was warned.

Well, what a day.


xox

The Original Purpose

The reason why I first started this blog was because I was wanting it to be the diary that my parents would never find. If you've read my blog since probaby the beginning, you'd know my parents read my diaries in high school, and I never wrote again. So about a year and a half ago, I started this blog because I knew that writing was a really good outlet for me; it really helps me vent out my problems so my best friends don't have to hear me complaining all the time!

So, I'm bringing this back to it's original purpose. It'll get personal, just warning you, but hey it's for me. I know it's public, so I won't get angry that people read it because I am literally publicizing it for the entire world to see anytime they want; but, if you judge me, don't do it here. It's my own personal thoughts and I can't help it if I am mean sometimes. Everyone is.

With that said, here I go. I am not spoiled. At all. I never ask for anything, and I save up money to buy things I want. Until I moved to Tempe, I never bought anything for myself. I finally, finally started splurging with my own money when I got here. Then, with money I got every week for whatever I saved a little too.

Maybe I have horrible memory, but I really, honestly don't remember the last time I really *asked* for anything from my parents. So today, I asked them if I could get a book to download to the Kindle (was my mom's but she said I can use it.) My dad says, "Yeah, sure, if it's a book you absolutely need." and my mom blows up and starts yelling at me : "All you do is ask for this - you just take" I don't even know where the hell this came from.
So next thing I know, it's like old times when I used to be here during my high school days, arguing pointlessly with my mom. She can make me feel so bad sometimes, and all I do is just go to my room and cry.  I'm done calling people like my best friend to have her listen to why I'm crying this time. It got so into habit with me calling Eydn. It really made me feel so loved though when no matter what was going on, Eydn could literally be in the middle of a family dinner and she would leave and go to the bathroom to talk to me. And would talk till I felt better. Her family probably thought she was rude, but she didn't care. All that was important to her at that moment was to make me feel better, and she always knew/knows what to say to do just that.

Anyway, same thing happened today. My mom makes me feel like some spoiled child that buys whatever necessary with their parent's credit card, but honestly; most of the time, I'm scared to ask for anything, even if I deseprately need it. The only things I have really ever "asked" about pertains to violin. And even then, I try and spread it out for awhile so it's not so frequent. They have this idea in their head that I am this ungrateful, spoiled person who only cares about themself, but I am not. I asked for a book today. an $11 book. A fucking book. And i get bitched out for it. God damn, I can't wait to go back to Tempe and feel a sense of independence again.


OH!!! And then afterwards, I get into it with BOTH of my parents. Turns out that no matter how many times I drive down to Phoenix with them, could be two times this summer, could be 11. No matter how many times I drive down with them to Phoenix for practice before I go back to Tempe, I will NOT drive there at all, alone. Never. Not until I finally leave. Can't they just let me go!? Please?! I am almost 19, I am not 5 anymore. I haven't felt like this in so long. It sucks. It really does. I sometimes envy my friend's parents; some of their parents have so much trust in them, and have fucking accepted they are adults. My parents never will. Ever.