Why am I having anxiety? I can't go to bed. Why. It's almost 2am Eastern time, and I'm sitting up in bed needing to write. This whole trip to New York has been just a tempestuous week.
It started off with the same anxious behaviors for me; I even called Jee to have her calm me down when I went to see Matt's show Sunday. I panicked. I was straight up panicking, asking myself why am I not excited? Why do I want to leave? I realized it was because I knew his whole family was there, and I was going to be meeting his whole family. I didn't end up having to meet them all that night which actually did put me at ease, however I met his sister and she was super nice. He is so nice. Seriously a sweet guy, and funny.
He picked me up Wednesday and I stayed in Woodstock with him until Friday- afterwards we went to New Jersey, and by that time I actually had eased up and was up to meeting his parents. The funny part is that he has no idea of all these feelings toward meeting his family I had leading up to it all.
So I knew the conversation was coming, and I kept telling all my friends and family that "I really do like him; I'm not looking for anything/anybody else nor interested in anybody else - but I'm not ready to use the 'b' word yet" (boyfriend). I just had all these doubts. I first said, "The short answer is 'yes'" . I had to quickly elaborate because I know I would be going INSANE in my head if it were reversed so I had to act quick.
- Long distance has n e v e r worked out for me, ever. I'm now having anxiety of what is the end goal? Do I move out there, does he come here?
- I am not even remotely interested in anybody else; I always look forward to hearing from him which made it hard for me to deal with losing excitement once I was around him finally
- I don't want hurt him. Yes this sounds so cliche but it I am serious. He is such a genuine, amazingly wonderful guy I feel really lucky to have been able to connect with, but I kept freaking myself out telling myself that I am the "g" in this relationship and he was the "t". I'm the unsure one; I may not have been saying "I don't know if I need you yet but once I leave and I do then we can continue"-- but I did tell him that I just wasn't ready to say the b word yet and I didn't know why. Because it's not like I want to be free to date other people or something. Something was just holding me back.
And after voicing these (and others, just can't remember at the moment everything), he was so understanding and said he was totally fine with just not calling it anything, but just knowing we had a special connection was okay. I was like WHAT NO. NO. If we are doing long distance we NEED a label. And this was so weird for me because I LIKE labels so why didn't I want one? I was scared! He got where I was coming from and agreed that labels are nice but he didn't want to demean what we have just to have a "boyfriend girlfriend" status. Especially in long distance you need to know exactly what things are because there is no room for gray areas. You already have so many factors working against you that this stuff just needs to be concrete.
Slowly but surely he helped me realize what exactly I was scared for- I wasn't scared he would cheat on me or hurt me; I was legitimately afraid I would hurt him. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through. Especially someone like him. He is such an amazing person and it brought tears to my eyes just at the thought that someday I could hurt him the way I had been hurt. Because of all my uncertainties I felt like I would be the one calling it off- I already saw "signs"....which Melissa told me to stop doing (comparing myself to my ex). He didn't even want to try and "convince" me to put a label, he could just see I was distraught about it and I want to be if not always 100% transparent with him and vice versa.
I did cry, because I felt so badly that I couldn't just give him a straight yes. He said he was actually happy that I was honest with him instead of a couple days later feeling weird and then him thinking OMG what did I DO - because I would go through the same thoughts haha (and have in the past).
In summation, he just makes things...everything so much easier. I opened up to him about g but not too much because I didn't want him to think this was all about g and that I wasn't over it- which he started to imply and I IMMEDIATELY cut him off lol. I was like oh my GOSH this is NOT because me still not being over everything! It was just hard for me to describe to him that I still have some ptsd from that. If only Melissa was there to be like "ok so this is what she's feeling and why etc etc". If there is one person on this planet that knows exactly what goes on in my head it's her, and she'd be able to articulate it better than me since I was emotional lol.
Once I gave him a short gist of g and I's relationship, he described my exes as, "Wow, it sounds like you have just had a bunch of overcooked steaks in the past!" It made me laugh.
We ended up walking back to the inn (which was ADORABLE btw), and laying on the hammock talking more. We got in to this long talk about people, relationships, people that can't live without someone else, and then he went on a tangent about people that just aren't comfortable being alone.
While he was going on this tangent, my mind started wandering and I realized laying in that hammock with him that I am not going to let my past fuck over my present especially when something this good comes along. And I just blurted out to him "I want to be your girlfriend".
He immediately stopped talking and started at me confused like, what???
I said it again and I wish I could have taken a picture of his face in that moment. He looked so, so, genuinely happy. It makes my stomach flutter a little bit just remembering how happy his face changed to when I said it. His eyes even got a little glassy, and we just kept laying there in that hammock. Then once the mushy-gushy-straight-out of-a-bachelorette-episode-moment ended he started laughing, realizing my HORRIBLE timing for interrupting his relationship/attachment tangent.
I have never had a "honeymoon" vacation. It has always been interrupted somehow; other engagements, other families (usually mine) somehow involved. It has never been just me and the guy, uninterrupted. And it was honestly pure bliss. We honestly looked like a married couple. We weren't the PDA kind (I despise that and he does too thank god) but you could just tell we were really happy to be around each other. I had an amazing time and I even forgot the date, day, everything that entire time.
Now fast forwarding to when I knew I was catching serious feelers-
-He makes a point to remember things I like or am interested in. He went out early in the morning Saturday when we were in New Jersey to get bagels and strawberry cream cheese because I had told him the other day I loved everything strawberry (and he already new I am a fucking carb queen.)
- He did so much planning to make it a really special trip for me. Down to finding restaurants to finding a place in the town we were in called Bread Alone to take me to, because he knows I love bread.
- He got HAMMERED Saturday night. He took Shane, Michelle, and I to his old work and they of course loaded him with shots, which I don't know if I want to poison this post with my negative complaints on this part of the trip. Anyway, when we came back to the apartment, I stayed up until 4 sitting next to him on the couch while he slept because I wanted to make sure he would stay on his side and give him liquids... he really didn't look good and I was convinced he may throw up. I just sat there, asked him how he was every now and then, and ran my fingers through his hair. And I was okay with that.
Now in about two hours, I should technically be waking up to leave New York. How do people do long distance? HOW? I'm already wondering how the heck I'm going to last another month, or however long it'll be till the next time I see him.
Also, another plus: being around him has made me want to for sure keep doing my music. His drive for music is admirable.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Friday, March 24, 2017
Date w/ Parents
I went on a movie date with my parents tonight, of course they took me to get sushi first.
Anyway, I saw "Chips" tonight and I actually cried from laughing so hard. I actually want to go see it again because there were so many times when I was too busy laughing that I couldn't see. It's a movie I'd want to see with Eydn for sure.
My mom made some weird comments today that I really wish I hadn't heard. Ugh. It's really nice to be home. I've missed my dogs. And my bed. Is it Passover yet?
Anyway, I saw "Chips" tonight and I actually cried from laughing so hard. I actually want to go see it again because there were so many times when I was too busy laughing that I couldn't see. It's a movie I'd want to see with Eydn for sure.
My mom made some weird comments today that I really wish I hadn't heard. Ugh. It's really nice to be home. I've missed my dogs. And my bed. Is it Passover yet?
Succulents
Actual Date of this started: March 14, 2017 (PI DAY!)
Today after a long day of work, I was sending my usual back and forth voice messages to Matt, and then mid-sentence, I see a package at my door. He sent me flowers. Just because. The note said
You know what's funny? We fell asleep on the couch last Monday.
Missing you, Matthew
My heart melted and I of course started to cry. In that moment, I wanted to call him immediately to thank him but Eydn actually called. So I answered her call, crying lol. She of course handled it fine and ended up making me laugh, and probably happy tearing with me. It was this beautiful, big bouquet sent to my door with beautiful flowers and two succulents.
Continuing this a few days later... (3/17/2017)
Is it supposed to be this easy? Technically, this is all happening long distance - and this is easier than my last relationship that was next DOOR to me. Insane.
I am not sure yet if I should be calling this a "relationship" quite yet, I am just riding it out to see where it goes.
CONTINUING EVEN A FEW DAYS after THAT.. (3/24/2017)
Today is Matt's birthday. I really miss him. I have started going back and forth very recently with my feelings because.. well. maybe not that. More like second guessing things like, "Do I really like him? Or am I just desperate?" But... no. I do like him. A lot. It's just really scary talking to someone all the time that mutually likes me back just as much. Like really weird. It's easy. SO easy. He is so good to me. I never am wondering "What the heck is he doing"... nothing. It's just so effortless and I'm not used to it. I am so excited to see him next month (I booked a ticket two nights ago!). Even if I don't REALLY get to spend time with him until a little later after I've been there.
Also, I got him the silliest birthday gifts. I am pretty sure he is going to think they are all hilarious, but I still freak myself out hoping OMG I hope he likes it all! Here's what I did:
I took my March Birchbox box, emptied it out because it really is such a cute box. I crossed out "Birch" and wrote "Matt's Birthday" above it. So, "Matt's Birthday Box".
I got him this cute pair (I feel weird saying "cute" for a guy's item but I'll continue) pair of socks; actually two pairs. But one was from San Diego with game consoles all over them. The other pair, which, I added the night before I mailed it off, was a pair of AZ Aztec looking socks. I thought he'd like them.
Next, I added in lube because we were in serious turmoil when he was here. Both of us were HIGHLY unprepared which was actually really nice. Because seriously, if he showed up and just whipped out a condom from his pocket I would have absolutely made him sleep on the couch.
Well. Maybe. But he would've had to really win me over haha.
After that I have his "You got this!" sign I made for him last month for his PS audition that he left here by accident. I also included a travel tag that has the Grand Canyon on it. I should mention that every gift has a post it on it, explaining why I put it in there. Kinda cute. I REALLY should have taken a picture of everything. I also wrote his birthday card on an Arizona post card of Javelinas, because he didn't take back much AZ memorabilia. So I definitely made sure to include some AZ gear.
Finally, this is where it actually took thought. I knew I really wanted to do something with the word we have schaughbreh. I know it's dumb. But it really does tie in a lot of jokes and stuff we have together. So I wanted to make a pin that he could put in his cello case, but instead I got a canvas magnet, colored it with different colors and then dropped some alcohol on it. Rubbed it in with my fingers and created this tie-dye effect which I bought two; KNOWING I would mess it up. Which I did. Second try wasn't as bad, and I was happy with the results. In the neatest handwriting in Tiffany history, I wrote out schaughbreh in black. So now, he has a magnet that says one of our words on it. Is that cute or just lame?
I am anxiously waiting for him to call me and say it delivered, I am so nervous that he won't like any of it!! More to come soon, it should be delivering any day...
Also, can I get a HALLELUJAH for finally FINALLY moving onto a NON June baby?!?
Today after a long day of work, I was sending my usual back and forth voice messages to Matt, and then mid-sentence, I see a package at my door. He sent me flowers. Just because. The note said
You know what's funny? We fell asleep on the couch last Monday.
Missing you, Matthew
My heart melted and I of course started to cry. In that moment, I wanted to call him immediately to thank him but Eydn actually called. So I answered her call, crying lol. She of course handled it fine and ended up making me laugh, and probably happy tearing with me. It was this beautiful, big bouquet sent to my door with beautiful flowers and two succulents.
Continuing this a few days later... (3/17/2017)
Is it supposed to be this easy? Technically, this is all happening long distance - and this is easier than my last relationship that was next DOOR to me. Insane.
I am not sure yet if I should be calling this a "relationship" quite yet, I am just riding it out to see where it goes.
CONTINUING EVEN A FEW DAYS after THAT.. (3/24/2017)
Today is Matt's birthday. I really miss him. I have started going back and forth very recently with my feelings because.. well. maybe not that. More like second guessing things like, "Do I really like him? Or am I just desperate?" But... no. I do like him. A lot. It's just really scary talking to someone all the time that mutually likes me back just as much. Like really weird. It's easy. SO easy. He is so good to me. I never am wondering "What the heck is he doing"... nothing. It's just so effortless and I'm not used to it. I am so excited to see him next month (I booked a ticket two nights ago!). Even if I don't REALLY get to spend time with him until a little later after I've been there.
Also, I got him the silliest birthday gifts. I am pretty sure he is going to think they are all hilarious, but I still freak myself out hoping OMG I hope he likes it all! Here's what I did:
I took my March Birchbox box, emptied it out because it really is such a cute box. I crossed out "Birch" and wrote "Matt's Birthday" above it. So, "Matt's Birthday Box".
I got him this cute pair (I feel weird saying "cute" for a guy's item but I'll continue) pair of socks; actually two pairs. But one was from San Diego with game consoles all over them. The other pair, which, I added the night before I mailed it off, was a pair of AZ Aztec looking socks. I thought he'd like them.
Next, I added in lube because we were in serious turmoil when he was here. Both of us were HIGHLY unprepared which was actually really nice. Because seriously, if he showed up and just whipped out a condom from his pocket I would have absolutely made him sleep on the couch.
Well. Maybe. But he would've had to really win me over haha.
After that I have his "You got this!" sign I made for him last month for his PS audition that he left here by accident. I also included a travel tag that has the Grand Canyon on it. I should mention that every gift has a post it on it, explaining why I put it in there. Kinda cute. I REALLY should have taken a picture of everything. I also wrote his birthday card on an Arizona post card of Javelinas, because he didn't take back much AZ memorabilia. So I definitely made sure to include some AZ gear.
Finally, this is where it actually took thought. I knew I really wanted to do something with the word we have schaughbreh. I know it's dumb. But it really does tie in a lot of jokes and stuff we have together. So I wanted to make a pin that he could put in his cello case, but instead I got a canvas magnet, colored it with different colors and then dropped some alcohol on it. Rubbed it in with my fingers and created this tie-dye effect which I bought two; KNOWING I would mess it up. Which I did. Second try wasn't as bad, and I was happy with the results. In the neatest handwriting in Tiffany history, I wrote out schaughbreh in black. So now, he has a magnet that says one of our words on it. Is that cute or just lame?
I am anxiously waiting for him to call me and say it delivered, I am so nervous that he won't like any of it!! More to come soon, it should be delivering any day...
Also, can I get a HALLELUJAH for finally FINALLY moving onto a NON June baby?!?
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Five 1/2
Wow. WOW!!
Okay. So I know this is not 100%, but your intuition is almost always correct.
It's been almost a week since Matt was here, and it feels like so much longer. He left Wednesday on literally the best of terms. I just got off the phone with Jee, and realized that I feel like so much has happened that I am sure of, but also don't have concrete answers about anything lol.
Let me back up.
San Diego with my dad was a blast. I'll never admit it to my dad, but one of the reasons I flew back from SD instead of driving was because I knew Matt would be here for his audition starting Sunday. So I wanted to be here as soon as I could.
I ended up being sick and not coming into work that Monday, but I picked him up after his audition. I was so bummed for him that he didn't make the finals; I thought for sure he would have at least had a decent chance considering his audition before that went pretty well.
Once I picked him up, I felt like I was just toting around and trying to entertain a little boy lol. Not in a bad way, just like in a sense that there was this HUGE elephant (our tension) surrounding us and that I was just trying to find something, anything, to do for us to avoid that tension. We drove around Downtown Phoenix, Tempe, went grocery shopping, and eventually fell asleep on the couch. Not in like a cute cuddly way. Just like a regular "oops we fell asleep next to each other" kinda way.
I was seriously stressing HARD about the sleep situation for weeks leading up to that. Asking all my friends Do I even set up the air mattress? Tell him he can sleep on the couch and jokingly say it's next to my bed.
I was real concerned about this. I ended up waking him up to ask if he wanted to stay on the couch or if he wanted to go to bed, and he chose the bed. Welp if I wasn't awake before that, I was after he said that. There we went, trudging off to my bedroom and getting into bed. I put on PANTS. lol. Pants. I never, ever sleep in pants. I went on the edge of the bed, curled up in a ball, and next thing you know, I felt this energy of an arm coming around me. Yup, he tried cuddling me. I don't know why I said cuddle like he didn't succeed. We cuddled, ALL night. That is the first time I wasn't needing space from cuddling, at least for awhile. Some reason the way he held me was what I needed and what felt nice. Nothing else happened. At all. And in retrospect, I think was that my window that I was saying I'd "fucking fly through" a week ago? I think it might've been, but I couldn't. My dumb ass kept thinking he probably was just a cuddler. He just puts up this front like he is this cool dude that probably does that will all his lady friends. So I didn't want to give in right away. Talk about getting wet in like ten seconds though, lol. It was like I had been waiting for that since January when I saw him.
Anyway, I woke up for work the next day and left him at my place with my key so he could walk around. I gave him a hug goodbye which was pretty awkward considering we just slept next to each other cuddling ALL night. I couldn't WAIT to get back to my apartment. I still felt like crap though from not getting much sleep the night before. While I liked the cuddling, I'm not used to sleeping next to someone. He is an excellent cuddler but I just am not used to it haha.
When I got back from work (I took off a half day), we went out to lunch and I was still exhausted. In SD, I didn't get a full 8 hours of sleep for about 4 days straight. I averaged about four. So after walking around Kierland, I was in desperate need of a nap. I asked him if he'd be okay with going back to recharge and then we could do something later. He was totally okay with this and back to my apartment we went.
I said I just wanted to nap or watch a movie so we went to my room and put on Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Apparently this movie is an aphrodisiac, or I had just reached my breaking point lol. We put the movie on, and then instantly went to cuddle position and it wasn't weird. After still no moves (I mean we were in like four different cuddle positions; spooning, you name it), I had had enough - I turned over to face him instead of the laptop screen. I nuzzled for a while, just thinking in my head at any second I was literally going to scream WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU!!! - but alas, I held off. Instead, I lay there in his arms with the movie in the background, listening to it trying to relax my breath and heartbeat. I didn't want him to know I was nervous. Finally, he did some nuzzle thing on my forehead (which I later found out was him kissing my forehead and I proceeded to argue with him about this later how it was definitely NOT a kiss and that I made the first move) and I just at that moment realized FUCK IT. And I looked up, grabbed his face, and kissed him. From there, I guess you could say it escalated really, REALLY quickly haha.
He had so much energy, and so much passion. I was so into it. I'm not sure if it was just three months of build up or just he is like that with every one. It was definitely strange being with someone I really cared about that actually knew what they were doing; the two people I seriously cared about in the past I learned with them, I guess you could say. Matt came in with his own tool box. A lot of this I liked (most of it actually)- the only part that I was like... eh// about was just the thought that he had to learn this from someone, probably several someones. That was the only thing that made me get an eh feeling VERY briefly. Then I enjoyed. 99.7%.
From that point, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. He'd put his arm around me when we walked, we kissed like we hadn't just started hours ago. It felt really right. It's different this time around, it's not one of those moments where I'm thinking "oh this is the most right something has felt for the rest of my life"... but I do know it feels right now. He is who is making me (and has been) happiest and the person I look forward to talking to every single day.
We have already made plans to see each other next month, and a possible road trip. Why is New Jersey so far away?
We talk constantly, almost all day. Either through snapchats, texting. Voice memos. Anything we can.
It's so different from the last love interest I had. The last person I was with I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, I never got truly comfortable with my feelings with him. I was scared to ask him things about us or me, or "bug" him too much. It seems insane to say now, thinking back like- what? You don't worry about "bugging" someone in a relationship. You WANT to talk to that person and it's a mutual feeling, or it should be.
With Matt, I could have just gotten off the phone with him for like two hours, and I don't even hesitate to send him a picture or text after. It isn't weird. I don't feel like I'm bugging him, and I don't get that from him either. I can tell him I miss him as much as I want, and I don't feel like he is going to run away. He actually makes me feel special in every conversation. While I compare all these things, there are also so many similarities he has with my last boyfriend.
With G, they have very similar humor. I think his was a little more... sophisticated, but Matt just kills me. He is so goofy, and always makes me laugh. And when my dad had his seizure in SD, I just took my phone out without thinking and he was the first number I dialed to calm me down. That was my "come to jesus" moment - when I was like... Oh. I like Matt a lot more than I thought. Now, that doesn't mean love. But I definitely knew at that moment that Matt was someone I want to see where it goes with.
I like talking about the past with Matt. We relish it. We absolutely crack up the more we talk about it, because we realize more and more that we were literally on the same page all these years with each other. We both liked each other when we first met five years ago, and the feelings came and went whenever we would catch up during those brief moments over the years. It's such a nice feeling to be able to literally be so transparent with someone how I feel or something I want to know, and not feel like I'm going to piss them off and them not talk to me for three days. It's ... Easy.
Again, I realize I am on cloud 9; however, we can't know for sure what happens in the future. He isn't this person that I am like "oh the planets have aligned and it's the most right something has felt in my life" - because that would be a lie. While I don't have that feeling I had in my last relationship of how that person was it; I know that Matt is someone I really, really like. I respect him so much as a person, friend, musician, boy interest... he is such a unique person that I grow more and more fond of as every passing minute goes by. I truly enjoy talking to him. I could honestly talk to him all day. We facetimed today for 2 hours today for god's sake. We were texting and/or on the phone throughout the day yesterday. I am not bored, I'm not running away. I am invested and want more. And that to me, is truly exciting. In a lot of ways, it's less superficial than my last bout with love. I was so convinced that I had to do whatEVER I could for him (G) to keep him happy, sacrificing my own happiness along the way. Because I was so afraid to fuck up. I was so afraid to rock the boat even a little. I tried several times, and those several times almost cost the relationship. Which in itself should've been like "Ok Tiff- let this one go"; but I was so in love. There was no way I was letting him go. I thought he was my future husband!
With Matt, every day we are just getting more and more in sync. I'm not afraid to ask him if he told his parents about me, or that I told my friends about him. He isn't afraid to invite me out asap to see him. To see his family. I'm just enjoying this ride. I could totally see myself falling for him. I can feel that I am starting to get there, which will be really scary when I have that moment of needing to get it off my chest. For now, I am just living every day doing what makes me happiest. And right now, that is talking to Matthew as often as possible. And wishing he lived in Arizona.
I would have never thought him and I would be here! He was always that "If only he lived in AZ!" guy....
Okay. So I know this is not 100%, but your intuition is almost always correct.
It's been almost a week since Matt was here, and it feels like so much longer. He left Wednesday on literally the best of terms. I just got off the phone with Jee, and realized that I feel like so much has happened that I am sure of, but also don't have concrete answers about anything lol.
Let me back up.
San Diego with my dad was a blast. I'll never admit it to my dad, but one of the reasons I flew back from SD instead of driving was because I knew Matt would be here for his audition starting Sunday. So I wanted to be here as soon as I could.
I ended up being sick and not coming into work that Monday, but I picked him up after his audition. I was so bummed for him that he didn't make the finals; I thought for sure he would have at least had a decent chance considering his audition before that went pretty well.
Once I picked him up, I felt like I was just toting around and trying to entertain a little boy lol. Not in a bad way, just like in a sense that there was this HUGE elephant (our tension) surrounding us and that I was just trying to find something, anything, to do for us to avoid that tension. We drove around Downtown Phoenix, Tempe, went grocery shopping, and eventually fell asleep on the couch. Not in like a cute cuddly way. Just like a regular "oops we fell asleep next to each other" kinda way.
I was seriously stressing HARD about the sleep situation for weeks leading up to that. Asking all my friends Do I even set up the air mattress? Tell him he can sleep on the couch and jokingly say it's next to my bed.
I was real concerned about this. I ended up waking him up to ask if he wanted to stay on the couch or if he wanted to go to bed, and he chose the bed. Welp if I wasn't awake before that, I was after he said that. There we went, trudging off to my bedroom and getting into bed. I put on PANTS. lol. Pants. I never, ever sleep in pants. I went on the edge of the bed, curled up in a ball, and next thing you know, I felt this energy of an arm coming around me. Yup, he tried cuddling me. I don't know why I said cuddle like he didn't succeed. We cuddled, ALL night. That is the first time I wasn't needing space from cuddling, at least for awhile. Some reason the way he held me was what I needed and what felt nice. Nothing else happened. At all. And in retrospect, I think was that my window that I was saying I'd "fucking fly through" a week ago? I think it might've been, but I couldn't. My dumb ass kept thinking he probably was just a cuddler. He just puts up this front like he is this cool dude that probably does that will all his lady friends. So I didn't want to give in right away. Talk about getting wet in like ten seconds though, lol. It was like I had been waiting for that since January when I saw him.
Anyway, I woke up for work the next day and left him at my place with my key so he could walk around. I gave him a hug goodbye which was pretty awkward considering we just slept next to each other cuddling ALL night. I couldn't WAIT to get back to my apartment. I still felt like crap though from not getting much sleep the night before. While I liked the cuddling, I'm not used to sleeping next to someone. He is an excellent cuddler but I just am not used to it haha.
When I got back from work (I took off a half day), we went out to lunch and I was still exhausted. In SD, I didn't get a full 8 hours of sleep for about 4 days straight. I averaged about four. So after walking around Kierland, I was in desperate need of a nap. I asked him if he'd be okay with going back to recharge and then we could do something later. He was totally okay with this and back to my apartment we went.
I said I just wanted to nap or watch a movie so we went to my room and put on Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Apparently this movie is an aphrodisiac, or I had just reached my breaking point lol. We put the movie on, and then instantly went to cuddle position and it wasn't weird. After still no moves (I mean we were in like four different cuddle positions; spooning, you name it), I had had enough - I turned over to face him instead of the laptop screen. I nuzzled for a while, just thinking in my head at any second I was literally going to scream WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU!!! - but alas, I held off. Instead, I lay there in his arms with the movie in the background, listening to it trying to relax my breath and heartbeat. I didn't want him to know I was nervous. Finally, he did some nuzzle thing on my forehead (which I later found out was him kissing my forehead and I proceeded to argue with him about this later how it was definitely NOT a kiss and that I made the first move) and I just at that moment realized FUCK IT. And I looked up, grabbed his face, and kissed him. From there, I guess you could say it escalated really, REALLY quickly haha.
He had so much energy, and so much passion. I was so into it. I'm not sure if it was just three months of build up or just he is like that with every one. It was definitely strange being with someone I really cared about that actually knew what they were doing; the two people I seriously cared about in the past I learned with them, I guess you could say. Matt came in with his own tool box. A lot of this I liked (most of it actually)- the only part that I was like... eh// about was just the thought that he had to learn this from someone, probably several someones. That was the only thing that made me get an eh feeling VERY briefly. Then I enjoyed. 99.7%.
From that point, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. He'd put his arm around me when we walked, we kissed like we hadn't just started hours ago. It felt really right. It's different this time around, it's not one of those moments where I'm thinking "oh this is the most right something has felt for the rest of my life"... but I do know it feels right now. He is who is making me (and has been) happiest and the person I look forward to talking to every single day.
We have already made plans to see each other next month, and a possible road trip. Why is New Jersey so far away?
We talk constantly, almost all day. Either through snapchats, texting. Voice memos. Anything we can.
It's so different from the last love interest I had. The last person I was with I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, I never got truly comfortable with my feelings with him. I was scared to ask him things about us or me, or "bug" him too much. It seems insane to say now, thinking back like- what? You don't worry about "bugging" someone in a relationship. You WANT to talk to that person and it's a mutual feeling, or it should be.
With Matt, I could have just gotten off the phone with him for like two hours, and I don't even hesitate to send him a picture or text after. It isn't weird. I don't feel like I'm bugging him, and I don't get that from him either. I can tell him I miss him as much as I want, and I don't feel like he is going to run away. He actually makes me feel special in every conversation. While I compare all these things, there are also so many similarities he has with my last boyfriend.
With G, they have very similar humor. I think his was a little more... sophisticated, but Matt just kills me. He is so goofy, and always makes me laugh. And when my dad had his seizure in SD, I just took my phone out without thinking and he was the first number I dialed to calm me down. That was my "come to jesus" moment - when I was like... Oh. I like Matt a lot more than I thought. Now, that doesn't mean love. But I definitely knew at that moment that Matt was someone I want to see where it goes with.
I like talking about the past with Matt. We relish it. We absolutely crack up the more we talk about it, because we realize more and more that we were literally on the same page all these years with each other. We both liked each other when we first met five years ago, and the feelings came and went whenever we would catch up during those brief moments over the years. It's such a nice feeling to be able to literally be so transparent with someone how I feel or something I want to know, and not feel like I'm going to piss them off and them not talk to me for three days. It's ... Easy.
Again, I realize I am on cloud 9; however, we can't know for sure what happens in the future. He isn't this person that I am like "oh the planets have aligned and it's the most right something has felt in my life" - because that would be a lie. While I don't have that feeling I had in my last relationship of how that person was it; I know that Matt is someone I really, really like. I respect him so much as a person, friend, musician, boy interest... he is such a unique person that I grow more and more fond of as every passing minute goes by. I truly enjoy talking to him. I could honestly talk to him all day. We facetimed today for 2 hours today for god's sake. We were texting and/or on the phone throughout the day yesterday. I am not bored, I'm not running away. I am invested and want more. And that to me, is truly exciting. In a lot of ways, it's less superficial than my last bout with love. I was so convinced that I had to do whatEVER I could for him (G) to keep him happy, sacrificing my own happiness along the way. Because I was so afraid to fuck up. I was so afraid to rock the boat even a little. I tried several times, and those several times almost cost the relationship. Which in itself should've been like "Ok Tiff- let this one go"; but I was so in love. There was no way I was letting him go. I thought he was my future husband!
With Matt, every day we are just getting more and more in sync. I'm not afraid to ask him if he told his parents about me, or that I told my friends about him. He isn't afraid to invite me out asap to see him. To see his family. I'm just enjoying this ride. I could totally see myself falling for him. I can feel that I am starting to get there, which will be really scary when I have that moment of needing to get it off my chest. For now, I am just living every day doing what makes me happiest. And right now, that is talking to Matthew as often as possible. And wishing he lived in Arizona.
I would have never thought him and I would be here! He was always that "If only he lived in AZ!" guy....
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Crazy B*tch
*as my favorite show Law and Order SVU plays in the background lol*
Is it bad that I felt the need to delete posts from my past? I was looking through my drafts on the dashboard for my blog, and I was looking at all these posts I didn't publish, and remembered a couple months ago when I felt the need to delete thoughts from my first boyfriend. But I didn't delete anything about my most recent relationship.
I have this theory that women aren't crazy. Well, we are, but we get "crazy", (or in my opinion) when we care about something. But, isn't that everyone? That's why people join debate clubs, or enjoy discussing "hot topics" with others. Because it is stuff they are passionate about, something they really believe in. I think women do that with their relationships with others, too. Call us more territorial, but I think it all comes from a place of love. For instance, I had a bad falling out with a friend in December and it actually hurt me a little because I am NOT just saying this; I will own up to when I am in the wrong. This was literally the weirdest situation and now we aren't talking and haven't since December. I tried reaching out to her because I heard some stupid rumor that I thought she should know about, and she didn't even have the courtesy to give me a one worded answer back. I thought to myself ... okay maybe she is just really busy. But then she posted something on facebook. Probably 8 minutes AFTER I wrote her. So, okay. Rude. Next day, I sent her another message apologizing for my weird text the night before.
Nothing!
Nothing at all. That hurt.
So, what did my Regina George, crazy woman in me do? I told my two closest friends, Eydn and Melissa, to delete her on facebook. It might sound catty or immature, but I think it is weird enough that she would comment/mention them in stuff for these months when she and I weren't even speaking. And she isn't even friends with them. These are people that I love so dearly that she has met maybe once or twice and friended them after. And, I thought also.... I don't want my friends talking to her. Why do they care to?
And , one of my friends instantly removed her without question, a simple "ha bye" and that felt so good lol. Call me mean, but I couldn't help it. I am territorial, about the people I love and care about, and I didn't want them talking to someone that hurt me (even though they really don't ever. I just didn't want her talking to them). Oh my god, I sound crazy.
Anyway, the crazy woman in me continues. I have been talking to Matt since January, when I was in New York, and he didn't reach out ALL day. I immediately text Melissa late tonight saying, "he's over me, he likes someone else." And the funny thing is, Melissa TOTALLY got it. She'll call me out if I'm being over analyzing which is highly probable (happens all the time). But this time, she realized that she knows me and yes it is weird that the first time since Martin Luther King Day Jr, we haven't spoken or conversed. Nothing!
Of course, I panicked. He finally messaged me at like midnight on Snapchat saying he just got back from NYC. The annoying thing is, is that I was annoyed. Annoyed it took that long. He doesn't owe me check-ins. I have no right to be annoyed. And that's when I knew for god damn sure I am into this guy. Because I care. Because of those little things, Those little things keep me sane and remind me that I'm as important to him as he is to me. Then again.... we are "just friends". I hate that.
I swear when he is here next weekend if he gives me that window I am fucking flying through that window. Literally and figuratively.
On that note, I am feeling better about myself after getting into my old habits again of working out and eating better. It's been really hard as of late because I didn't really have the time, nor money to dedicate to myself. But, I know that it is work. I can't make excuses anymore. Especially if I want those jeans from May to fit. Right now my butt is twerking when I walk and that is not a place to be.
One more random thought, it's so weird that I always seem so lost with my thoughts. I am always looking for clarity and that silver lining; however with most of my friends I usually know exactly what to say or am able to help them get clarity. I think if I could do school over again I would've gone to medical school and become a psychiatrist/therapist. I like helping people.
Okay. I really have to go to sleep. It is 12:43, and I have to teach in less than 8 hours.
Is it bad that I felt the need to delete posts from my past? I was looking through my drafts on the dashboard for my blog, and I was looking at all these posts I didn't publish, and remembered a couple months ago when I felt the need to delete thoughts from my first boyfriend. But I didn't delete anything about my most recent relationship.
I have this theory that women aren't crazy. Well, we are, but we get "crazy", (or in my opinion) when we care about something. But, isn't that everyone? That's why people join debate clubs, or enjoy discussing "hot topics" with others. Because it is stuff they are passionate about, something they really believe in. I think women do that with their relationships with others, too. Call us more territorial, but I think it all comes from a place of love. For instance, I had a bad falling out with a friend in December and it actually hurt me a little because I am NOT just saying this; I will own up to when I am in the wrong. This was literally the weirdest situation and now we aren't talking and haven't since December. I tried reaching out to her because I heard some stupid rumor that I thought she should know about, and she didn't even have the courtesy to give me a one worded answer back. I thought to myself ... okay maybe she is just really busy. But then she posted something on facebook. Probably 8 minutes AFTER I wrote her. So, okay. Rude. Next day, I sent her another message apologizing for my weird text the night before.
Nothing!
Nothing at all. That hurt.
So, what did my Regina George, crazy woman in me do? I told my two closest friends, Eydn and Melissa, to delete her on facebook. It might sound catty or immature, but I think it is weird enough that she would comment/mention them in stuff for these months when she and I weren't even speaking. And she isn't even friends with them. These are people that I love so dearly that she has met maybe once or twice and friended them after. And, I thought also.... I don't want my friends talking to her. Why do they care to?
And , one of my friends instantly removed her without question, a simple "ha bye" and that felt so good lol. Call me mean, but I couldn't help it. I am territorial, about the people I love and care about, and I didn't want them talking to someone that hurt me (even though they really don't ever. I just didn't want her talking to them). Oh my god, I sound crazy.
Anyway, the crazy woman in me continues. I have been talking to Matt since January, when I was in New York, and he didn't reach out ALL day. I immediately text Melissa late tonight saying, "he's over me, he likes someone else." And the funny thing is, Melissa TOTALLY got it. She'll call me out if I'm being over analyzing which is highly probable (happens all the time). But this time, she realized that she knows me and yes it is weird that the first time since Martin Luther King Day Jr, we haven't spoken or conversed. Nothing!
Of course, I panicked. He finally messaged me at like midnight on Snapchat saying he just got back from NYC. The annoying thing is, is that I was annoyed. Annoyed it took that long. He doesn't owe me check-ins. I have no right to be annoyed. And that's when I knew for god damn sure I am into this guy. Because I care. Because of those little things, Those little things keep me sane and remind me that I'm as important to him as he is to me. Then again.... we are "just friends". I hate that.
I swear when he is here next weekend if he gives me that window I am fucking flying through that window. Literally and figuratively.
On that note, I am feeling better about myself after getting into my old habits again of working out and eating better. It's been really hard as of late because I didn't really have the time, nor money to dedicate to myself. But, I know that it is work. I can't make excuses anymore. Especially if I want those jeans from May to fit. Right now my butt is twerking when I walk and that is not a place to be.
One more random thought, it's so weird that I always seem so lost with my thoughts. I am always looking for clarity and that silver lining; however with most of my friends I usually know exactly what to say or am able to help them get clarity. I think if I could do school over again I would've gone to medical school and become a psychiatrist/therapist. I like helping people.
Okay. I really have to go to sleep. It is 12:43, and I have to teach in less than 8 hours.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Heavy
I just read through some old posts, and god. It hurt.
Obviously I know myself well - and I (and I'm sure someone else too would be able to) notice how somber and .. heavy my old posts pre breakup and post breakup were. It hurt to read, to read how I hurt. To see it so vividly in writing.
I have come so far since November 2015. I can't believe it's been that long. And it's been since October 2016 that we talked.
Now, here I am, crazy about some other guy which I never thought would happen again.
I still every now and then have nightmares about G. I call them nightmares because I always wake up like, gosh again Tiffany? After this long?
There's one person I would consider being exclusive with and he lives on the other side of the country. Nice job, Tiffany.
Obviously I know myself well - and I (and I'm sure someone else too would be able to) notice how somber and .. heavy my old posts pre breakup and post breakup were. It hurt to read, to read how I hurt. To see it so vividly in writing.
I have come so far since November 2015. I can't believe it's been that long. And it's been since October 2016 that we talked.
Now, here I am, crazy about some other guy which I never thought would happen again.
I still every now and then have nightmares about G. I call them nightmares because I always wake up like, gosh again Tiffany? After this long?
There's one person I would consider being exclusive with and he lives on the other side of the country. Nice job, Tiffany.
A Lot of Three's
Below after this post is a draft I found from some time after the new year, I suspect. All I can say is; history absolutely repeats itself - at least for me.
in background: Jane Eyre movie
This time of year about three year ago (2014), I was seeing a flight student, John. I wasn't really into John; I mean, I was - it was just one of those things I knew would not be going anywhere. I just enjoyed *seeing* him if you catch my drift.
I continued to see him though, almost like a distraction from my real love interest, whom I ended up being in a relationship with for over a year after that (G). I feel horrible writing this out, but really my heart was elsewhere and I was just continuing to fill this lonely void, just hoping someday G would come around and give me a chance.
Well, he finally did. He finally did a couple weeks after I decided to be John's girlfriend. I bought a ticket to the UK to visit him, and 5 days before I was going to the UK, G finally made a move. I couldn't believe it. It was like my entire world had finally come circling back to me and everything was right in the world, except it wasn't. Now here I was, -$1200 later about to fly across the world to see a guy I KNEW I wasn't in love with.
I eventually ended it with John, and waited an entire summer for G. Once I had that window, I waited and waited for him to come back from his summer excursions.
Fast forward three years later....
I find myself in the SAME PREDICAMENT.
Same thing like with John, I meet this other guy, we'll call him Shawn. Shawn is a sweet guy, very athletic (just like John was), and I already know off the bat that I like spending time with him... but it's like I'm just doing the same thing, settling for someone else - someone I actually met almost SIX years ago!
So.... now I get to Matt. No, not Green Beret Matt (although would LOVE to see that soul again someday)
I somehow reconnected with Matt back in Summer of 2016, but us meeting up in New York never happened. I first met Matt at a music festival in 2011 in Germany, but we were both seeing other people at the time so we were just friends. Although I remember I kissed him on the cheek, and did run to this random place holding his hand somewhere. AND I remember having an innocent crush on him, and remembering "Oh wow too bad I'm already in love with Tyler because he is such a cool guy"...
Also, I gave him this huge heart to heart there about his girlfriend, how he could do so much better. I had only been around him for a few weeks but I saw the way his girlfriend was with him and I was like good lord she is gorgeous but he should be with someone that appreciates him more.
We talked on and off over these six years, I did see him in 2012 with my bf at the time, hilariously enough. I decided to visit my sister in NYC and brought my bf with me, and of course had to see Matt. Another embarrassing point that is hilarious now; I tried setting him up with my sister. She was recently dumped by Shane and I needed to find her a rebound. It never worked and neither of them were interested.
Again, back to Summer 2016. I had planned a trip to NYC to hang with my sister before I went to Israel for the summer (I sincerely hope I mentioned that in a previous post bc that trip was LIFE changing). Matt always had hilarious snapchats, and our communication via text was getting super strong. Thank you silly memes & Snapchat for reconnecting us.
He ended up totally flaking on me that summer, and I was actually upset. I remember telling Eydn or someone that I would totally hook up with him if I could, but we never actually saw each other. He had a night job that made him sleep all day, and he just couldn't find it in him to be on the right time zone to see me. Anyway, I iced him out for weeks which was so weird because we were talking a LOT... and then I finally gave in and forgave him :)
Now, I decided to visit my sister in January for my long MLKJ weekend and he was one of the first people I connected with. From the moment we talked on the phone giving me directions to him, my heart started to flutter. Then, there I am standing across the street at Union Square Park, looking at that same tall lanky guy, foggy breath rising in the air with a huge cello case on his back walking towards me.
My first thoughts were, oh my gosh he is still so handsome, and second thought was his shoe game is
s t r o n g.
He had me laughing constantly, and it was crazy how it felt like a first date but also a friend that I got right back into the old swing of humor with. I can't describe it; a feeling of comfortability and familiarity yet also those little bits of nerves from a first date where you can't stop smiling and looking away every now and then to see if people see the dumb smile on your face.
We went to this place called Vaselka (a Polish place which is his heritage). We ordered matzah ball soup and pierogies, and almost ordered apple crumb cake which was a joke really, because he was just impersonating a black guy ordering it really well. I actually got it on video. Most of the time I just listened to him speak; on dates I truly do get nervous so I let him do most of the talking. Which actually worked out fine since he is a talker, but one of those rambling humor kind of talkers. Not like a philosophical "I digress" rambling type. A cute "Where was I? Oh yes. Family Guy" type. The banter between us reminds me of my first real love and I (G), how it was like I was always on my toes and never knew what he was going to come up with next. It was always surprises and he always had me laughing. This guy is a lot like that. Very carefree, very whimsical and all the while an absolute gentleman (that dresses like one too).
Needless to say, I don't care if the restaurant is dirt cheap or super expensive; if a guy is paying that is one of the most attractive gestures he can do. ... He did, and insisted.
My first thought was, "Wow he is such a nice guy! This doesn't mean he likes me though."
I pretty much tossed with this the rest of the night, him paying for EVERY single thing and me saying to myself maybe he is just really nice and is doing this because I am visiting.
After Vaselka, we went to some place called Johnson something. It was suuuper hipster. We took a couple shots and it was there I saw he had that glazed look in his eye and the Thirsty Tipsy Tiffany (from now on I will refer to myself in the inebriated state as T3) ... so once T3 saw this, I will admit my first thought was I wonder if we are going to kiss tonight. For the record we absolutely did not.
We met up with my sister and flaky Claire at this place called "No Fun"; stood in line for like 45 minutes and ended up having to store his cello downstairs - he came back telling me he felt like a celebrity which I thought was adorable. We drank, danced, and he meandered my sister and I through the gross and sticky condensed crowd to get to bigger space. He had a pullover sweater on, totally not fitting of the attire of others there but I absolutely loved it. He kind of dresses like a 45 something year old professor but I find that super attractive. Anyway. I even asked my sister when he went to the restroom "I think my friend Matt may like me but I can't tell." She said she thought maybe so too, and wasn't sure either.
THIS is where another part of the three year history replay comes back. That is all I dealt with G. I would say a solid 5 months of situations, hangouts or texting that was like so hard to read. That is basically what I deal with Matt. He has that boyish eluding of flirtatious texts I send to joke it off (a CLASSIC G move) and no matter how hard I try I can't get anything out of him.
So, now here's my predicament.
I left New York a little over a month ago, and Matt and I have talked every. Single. DAY. Every day, without fail. Whether it is an over one hour long phone call or just texting/snapchat, it is every day. And I look forward to it. It's not even weird. I wish I could talk to him on the phone every day. I wish he was going to be visiting AZ in a few weeks for more than just 3 days. He is coming for a Symphony audition. Which... I hope he gets.
I try and say things to try and get more emotion out of him - and it's not like he is a dry, emotionless person. I just try and get out the cute little "I like talking to you everyday too, Tiffany" or "I look forward to talking to you!" "I think about you a lot!"
Now, I know it's in there. It HAS to be. What guy talks to a girl every day, and also has on avg over an hour long phone convo at least 1-2 times per week if they aren't into them? I can't be going crazy...right?
Or is he just a really nice guy? Should I try to make a move when he is here? Do I just straight up offer the couch? SO MANY THOUGHTS. I haven't been interested in someone like this in a very, long time. I wondered when I would be again (if ever), and I never thought it would be someone I met six years prior.
It really truly is when you least expect it. So, in less than three weeks, Matt is here. Here in Arizona. God be with me and give me courage to make a fucking move.
in background: Jane Eyre movie
This time of year about three year ago (2014), I was seeing a flight student, John. I wasn't really into John; I mean, I was - it was just one of those things I knew would not be going anywhere. I just enjoyed *seeing* him if you catch my drift.
I continued to see him though, almost like a distraction from my real love interest, whom I ended up being in a relationship with for over a year after that (G). I feel horrible writing this out, but really my heart was elsewhere and I was just continuing to fill this lonely void, just hoping someday G would come around and give me a chance.
Well, he finally did. He finally did a couple weeks after I decided to be John's girlfriend. I bought a ticket to the UK to visit him, and 5 days before I was going to the UK, G finally made a move. I couldn't believe it. It was like my entire world had finally come circling back to me and everything was right in the world, except it wasn't. Now here I was, -$1200 later about to fly across the world to see a guy I KNEW I wasn't in love with.
I eventually ended it with John, and waited an entire summer for G. Once I had that window, I waited and waited for him to come back from his summer excursions.
Fast forward three years later....
I find myself in the SAME PREDICAMENT.
Same thing like with John, I meet this other guy, we'll call him Shawn. Shawn is a sweet guy, very athletic (just like John was), and I already know off the bat that I like spending time with him... but it's like I'm just doing the same thing, settling for someone else - someone I actually met almost SIX years ago!
So.... now I get to Matt. No, not Green Beret Matt (although would LOVE to see that soul again someday)
I somehow reconnected with Matt back in Summer of 2016, but us meeting up in New York never happened. I first met Matt at a music festival in 2011 in Germany, but we were both seeing other people at the time so we were just friends. Although I remember I kissed him on the cheek, and did run to this random place holding his hand somewhere. AND I remember having an innocent crush on him, and remembering "Oh wow too bad I'm already in love with Tyler because he is such a cool guy"...
Also, I gave him this huge heart to heart there about his girlfriend, how he could do so much better. I had only been around him for a few weeks but I saw the way his girlfriend was with him and I was like good lord she is gorgeous but he should be with someone that appreciates him more.
We talked on and off over these six years, I did see him in 2012 with my bf at the time, hilariously enough. I decided to visit my sister in NYC and brought my bf with me, and of course had to see Matt. Another embarrassing point that is hilarious now; I tried setting him up with my sister. She was recently dumped by Shane and I needed to find her a rebound. It never worked and neither of them were interested.
Again, back to Summer 2016. I had planned a trip to NYC to hang with my sister before I went to Israel for the summer (I sincerely hope I mentioned that in a previous post bc that trip was LIFE changing). Matt always had hilarious snapchats, and our communication via text was getting super strong. Thank you silly memes & Snapchat for reconnecting us.
He ended up totally flaking on me that summer, and I was actually upset. I remember telling Eydn or someone that I would totally hook up with him if I could, but we never actually saw each other. He had a night job that made him sleep all day, and he just couldn't find it in him to be on the right time zone to see me. Anyway, I iced him out for weeks which was so weird because we were talking a LOT... and then I finally gave in and forgave him :)
Now, I decided to visit my sister in January for my long MLKJ weekend and he was one of the first people I connected with. From the moment we talked on the phone giving me directions to him, my heart started to flutter. Then, there I am standing across the street at Union Square Park, looking at that same tall lanky guy, foggy breath rising in the air with a huge cello case on his back walking towards me.
My first thoughts were, oh my gosh he is still so handsome, and second thought was his shoe game is
s t r o n g.
He had me laughing constantly, and it was crazy how it felt like a first date but also a friend that I got right back into the old swing of humor with. I can't describe it; a feeling of comfortability and familiarity yet also those little bits of nerves from a first date where you can't stop smiling and looking away every now and then to see if people see the dumb smile on your face.
We went to this place called Vaselka (a Polish place which is his heritage). We ordered matzah ball soup and pierogies, and almost ordered apple crumb cake which was a joke really, because he was just impersonating a black guy ordering it really well. I actually got it on video. Most of the time I just listened to him speak; on dates I truly do get nervous so I let him do most of the talking. Which actually worked out fine since he is a talker, but one of those rambling humor kind of talkers. Not like a philosophical "I digress" rambling type. A cute "Where was I? Oh yes. Family Guy" type. The banter between us reminds me of my first real love and I (G), how it was like I was always on my toes and never knew what he was going to come up with next. It was always surprises and he always had me laughing. This guy is a lot like that. Very carefree, very whimsical and all the while an absolute gentleman (that dresses like one too).
Needless to say, I don't care if the restaurant is dirt cheap or super expensive; if a guy is paying that is one of the most attractive gestures he can do. ... He did, and insisted.
My first thought was, "Wow he is such a nice guy! This doesn't mean he likes me though."
I pretty much tossed with this the rest of the night, him paying for EVERY single thing and me saying to myself maybe he is just really nice and is doing this because I am visiting.
After Vaselka, we went to some place called Johnson something. It was suuuper hipster. We took a couple shots and it was there I saw he had that glazed look in his eye and the Thirsty Tipsy Tiffany (from now on I will refer to myself in the inebriated state as T3) ... so once T3 saw this, I will admit my first thought was I wonder if we are going to kiss tonight. For the record we absolutely did not.
We met up with my sister and flaky Claire at this place called "No Fun"; stood in line for like 45 minutes and ended up having to store his cello downstairs - he came back telling me he felt like a celebrity which I thought was adorable. We drank, danced, and he meandered my sister and I through the gross and sticky condensed crowd to get to bigger space. He had a pullover sweater on, totally not fitting of the attire of others there but I absolutely loved it. He kind of dresses like a 45 something year old professor but I find that super attractive. Anyway. I even asked my sister when he went to the restroom "I think my friend Matt may like me but I can't tell." She said she thought maybe so too, and wasn't sure either.
THIS is where another part of the three year history replay comes back. That is all I dealt with G. I would say a solid 5 months of situations, hangouts or texting that was like so hard to read. That is basically what I deal with Matt. He has that boyish eluding of flirtatious texts I send to joke it off (a CLASSIC G move) and no matter how hard I try I can't get anything out of him.
So, now here's my predicament.
I left New York a little over a month ago, and Matt and I have talked every. Single. DAY. Every day, without fail. Whether it is an over one hour long phone call or just texting/snapchat, it is every day. And I look forward to it. It's not even weird. I wish I could talk to him on the phone every day. I wish he was going to be visiting AZ in a few weeks for more than just 3 days. He is coming for a Symphony audition. Which... I hope he gets.
I try and say things to try and get more emotion out of him - and it's not like he is a dry, emotionless person. I just try and get out the cute little "I like talking to you everyday too, Tiffany" or "I look forward to talking to you!" "I think about you a lot!"
Now, I know it's in there. It HAS to be. What guy talks to a girl every day, and also has on avg over an hour long phone convo at least 1-2 times per week if they aren't into them? I can't be going crazy...right?
Or is he just a really nice guy? Should I try to make a move when he is here? Do I just straight up offer the couch? SO MANY THOUGHTS. I haven't been interested in someone like this in a very, long time. I wondered when I would be again (if ever), and I never thought it would be someone I met six years prior.
It really truly is when you least expect it. So, in less than three weeks, Matt is here. Here in Arizona. God be with me and give me courage to make a fucking move.
Like an unfinished symphony....
Over the past few months, I have changed. And it's been noticeable, along the way. I think the first time I noticed was when I made a move on a guy I really liked, and when he ignored me days after I called him out on it. I would never have done that if it had happened earlier (which, I think it had). I would've just let it pass and we would've stopped talking. But I didn't let it blow over; I reached out and said it was dumb and he needed to be honest with me. Now we are friends.
I think that after having my heart broken, it changed me. It hardened my heart, to paint a picture. I am put back together, but in every situation I say to myself why wait. just get to the point because nothing is ever as it seems.
Even with dating, I just think of it as a waste of time. Why bother? Why do this whole process, is it worth it?
I'm getting better
I think that after having my heart broken, it changed me. It hardened my heart, to paint a picture. I am put back together, but in every situation I say to myself why wait. just get to the point because nothing is ever as it seems.
Even with dating, I just think of it as a waste of time. Why bother? Why do this whole process, is it worth it?
I'm getting better
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