Five 1/2

Wow. WOW!!

Okay. So I know this is not 100%, but your intuition is almost always correct.

It's been almost a week since Matt was here, and it feels like so much longer.  He left Wednesday on literally the best of terms.  I just got off the phone with Jee, and realized that I feel like so much has happened that I am sure of, but also don't have concrete answers about anything lol.

Let me back up.

San Diego with my dad was a blast. I'll never admit it to my dad, but one of the reasons I flew back from SD instead of driving was because I knew Matt would be here for his audition starting Sunday.  So I wanted to be here as soon as I could.

I ended up being sick and not coming into work that Monday, but I picked him up after his audition. I was so bummed for him that he didn't make the finals;  I thought for sure he would have at least had a decent chance considering his audition before that went pretty well.

Once I picked him up, I felt like I was just toting around and trying to entertain a little boy lol.  Not in a bad way, just like in a sense that there was this HUGE elephant (our tension) surrounding us and that I was just trying to find something, anything, to do for us to avoid that tension.  We drove around Downtown Phoenix, Tempe, went grocery shopping, and eventually fell asleep on the couch.  Not in like a cute cuddly way. Just like a regular "oops we fell asleep next to each other" kinda way.

I was seriously stressing HARD about the sleep situation for weeks leading up to that.  Asking all my friends Do I even set up the air mattress? Tell him he can sleep on the couch  and jokingly say it's next to my bed.
I was real concerned about this. I ended up waking him up to ask if he wanted to stay on the couch or if he wanted to go to bed, and he chose the bed. Welp if I wasn't awake before that, I was after he said that. There we went, trudging off to my bedroom and getting into bed. I put on PANTS. lol. Pants. I never, ever sleep in pants. I went on the edge of the bed, curled up in a ball, and next thing you know,  I felt this energy of an arm coming around me. Yup, he tried cuddling me.  I don't know why I said cuddle like he didn't succeed. We cuddled, ALL night.  That is the first time I wasn't needing space from cuddling, at least for awhile.  Some reason the way he held me was what I needed and what felt nice.  Nothing else happened.  At all.  And in retrospect, I think was that my window that I was saying I'd "fucking fly through" a week ago?  I think it might've been, but I couldn't.  My dumb ass kept thinking he probably was just a cuddler.  He just puts up this front like he is this cool dude that probably does that will all his lady friends.  So I didn't want to give in right away. Talk about getting wet in like ten seconds though, lol.  It was like I had been waiting for that since January when I saw him.

Anyway, I woke up for work the next day and left him at my place with my key so he could walk around. I gave him a hug goodbye which was pretty awkward considering we just slept next to each other cuddling ALL night.  I couldn't WAIT to get back to my apartment. I still felt like crap though from not getting much sleep the night before. While I liked the cuddling, I'm not used to sleeping next to someone.  He is an excellent cuddler but I just am not used to it haha.

When I got back from work (I took off a half day),  we went out to lunch and I was still exhausted. In SD, I didn't get a full 8 hours of sleep for about 4 days straight. I averaged about four.  So after walking around Kierland, I was in desperate need of a nap.  I asked him if he'd be okay with going back to recharge and then we could do something later.  He was totally okay with this and back to my apartment we went.

I said I just wanted to nap or watch a movie so we went to my room and put on Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Apparently this movie is an aphrodisiac, or I had just reached my breaking point lol.  We put the movie on, and then instantly went to cuddle position and it wasn't weird.  After still no moves (I mean we were in like four different cuddle positions; spooning, you name it), I had had enough - I turned over to face him instead of the laptop screen. I nuzzled for a while, just thinking in my head at any second I was literally going to scream WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! YOU KNOW I LIKE YOU!!!  - but alas, I held off.  Instead, I lay there in his arms with the movie in the background, listening to it trying to relax my breath and heartbeat. I didn't want him to know I was nervous.  Finally, he did some nuzzle thing on my forehead (which I later found out was him kissing my forehead and I proceeded to argue with him about this later how it was definitely NOT a kiss and that I made the first move) and I just at that moment realized FUCK IT. And I looked up, grabbed his face, and kissed him. From there, I guess you could say it escalated really, REALLY quickly haha.

He had so much energy, and so much passion. I was so into it.  I'm not sure if it was just three months of build up or just he is like that with every one.  It was definitely strange being with someone I really cared about that actually knew what they were doing; the two people I seriously cared about in the past I learned with them, I guess you could say.  Matt came in with his own tool box.  A lot of this I liked (most of it actually)- the only part that I was like... eh// about was just the thought that he had to learn this from someone, probably several someones. That was the only thing that made me get an eh feeling VERY briefly. Then I enjoyed. 99.7%.

From that point, we couldn't keep our hands off each other.  He'd put his arm around me when we walked, we kissed like we hadn't just started hours ago.  It felt really right.  It's different this time around, it's not one of those moments where I'm thinking "oh this is the most right something has felt for the rest of my life"... but I do know it feels right now.  He is who is making me (and has been) happiest and the person I look forward to talking to every single day.

We have already made plans to see each other next month, and a possible road trip. Why is New Jersey so far away?

We talk constantly, almost all day. Either through snapchats, texting. Voice memos.  Anything we can.

It's so different from the last love interest I had.  The last person I was with I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time, I never got truly comfortable with my feelings with him. I was scared to ask him things about us or me, or "bug" him too much. It seems insane to say now, thinking back like- what? You don't worry about "bugging" someone in a relationship.  You WANT to talk to that person and it's a mutual feeling, or it should be.

With Matt, I could have just gotten off the phone with him for like two hours, and I don't even hesitate to send him a picture or text after. It isn't weird. I don't feel like I'm bugging him, and I don't get that from him either.  I can tell him I miss him as much as I want, and I don't feel like he is going to run away.  He actually makes me feel special in every conversation.  While I compare all these things, there are also so many similarities he has with my last boyfriend.

With G, they have very similar humor.  I think his was a little more... sophisticated, but Matt just kills me. He is so goofy, and always makes me laugh.  And when my dad had his seizure in SD,  I just took my phone out without thinking and he was the first number I dialed to calm me down.  That was my "come to jesus" moment - when  I was like... Oh.  I like Matt a lot more than I thought.  Now, that doesn't mean love. But I definitely knew at that moment that Matt was someone I want to see where it goes with.

I like talking about the past with Matt.  We relish it. We absolutely crack up the more we talk about it, because we realize more and more that we were literally on the same page all these years with each other.  We both liked each other when we first met five years ago, and the feelings came and went whenever we would catch up during those brief moments over the years.  It's such a nice feeling to be able to literally be so transparent with someone how I feel or something I want to know, and not feel like I'm going to piss them off and them not talk to me for three days.  It's ... Easy.

Again, I realize I am on cloud 9; however,  we can't know for sure what happens in the future.  He isn't this person that I am like "oh the planets have aligned and it's the most right something has felt in my life" - because that would be a lie. While I don't have that feeling I had in my last relationship of how that person was it;  I know that Matt is someone I really, really like. I respect him so much as a person, friend, musician, boy interest... he is such a unique person that I grow more and more fond of as every passing minute goes by.  I truly enjoy talking to him.  I  could honestly talk to him all day.  We facetimed today for 2 hours today for god's sake. We were texting and/or on the phone throughout the day yesterday.  I am not bored, I'm not running away.  I am invested and want more. And that to me, is truly exciting.  In a lot of ways, it's less superficial than my last bout with love.  I was so convinced that I had to do whatEVER I could for him (G) to keep him happy, sacrificing my own happiness along the way. Because I was so afraid to fuck up. I was so afraid to rock the boat even a little.  I tried several times, and those several times almost cost the relationship. Which in itself should've been like "Ok Tiff- let this one go"; but I was so in love. There was no way I was letting him go. I thought he was my future husband!

With Matt, every day we are just getting more and more in sync. I'm not afraid to ask him if he told his parents about me, or that I told my friends about him.  He isn't afraid to invite me out asap to see him. To see his family.  I'm just enjoying this ride.  I could totally see myself falling for him. I can feel that I am starting to get there, which will be really scary when I have that moment of needing to get it off my chest. For now, I am just living every day doing what makes me happiest.  And right now, that is talking to Matthew as often as possible. And wishing he lived in Arizona.

I would have never thought him and I would be here! He was always that "If only he lived in AZ!" guy....