Below after this post is a draft I found from some time after the new year, I suspect. All I can say is; history absolutely repeats itself - at least for me.
in background: Jane Eyre movie
This time of year about three year ago (2014), I was seeing a flight student, John. I wasn't really into John; I mean, I was - it was just one of those things I knew would not be going anywhere. I just enjoyed *seeing* him if you catch my drift.
I continued to see him though, almost like a distraction from my real love interest, whom I ended up being in a relationship with for over a year after that (G). I feel horrible writing this out, but really my heart was elsewhere and I was just continuing to fill this lonely void, just hoping someday G would come around and give me a chance.
Well, he finally did. He finally did a couple weeks after I decided to be John's girlfriend. I bought a ticket to the UK to visit him, and 5 days before I was going to the UK, G finally made a move. I couldn't believe it. It was like my entire world had finally come circling back to me and everything was right in the world, except it wasn't. Now here I was, -$1200 later about to fly across the world to see a guy I KNEW I wasn't in love with.
I eventually ended it with John, and waited an entire summer for G. Once I had that window, I waited and waited for him to come back from his summer excursions.
Fast forward three years later....
I find myself in the SAME PREDICAMENT.
Same thing like with John, I meet this other guy, we'll call him Shawn. Shawn is a sweet guy, very athletic (just like John was), and I already know off the bat that I like spending time with him... but it's like I'm just doing the same thing, settling for someone else - someone I actually met almost SIX years ago!
So.... now I get to Matt. No, not Green Beret Matt (although would LOVE to see that soul again someday)
I somehow reconnected with Matt back in Summer of 2016, but us meeting up in New York never happened. I first met Matt at a music festival in 2011 in Germany, but we were both seeing other people at the time so we were just friends. Although I remember I kissed him on the cheek, and did run to this random place holding his hand somewhere. AND I remember having an innocent crush on him, and remembering "Oh wow too bad I'm already in love with Tyler because he is such a cool guy"...
Also, I gave him this huge heart to heart there about his girlfriend, how he could do so much better. I had only been around him for a few weeks but I saw the way his girlfriend was with him and I was like good lord she is gorgeous but he should be with someone that appreciates him more.
We talked on and off over these six years, I did see him in 2012 with my bf at the time, hilariously enough. I decided to visit my sister in NYC and brought my bf with me, and of course had to see Matt. Another embarrassing point that is hilarious now; I tried setting him up with my sister. She was recently dumped by Shane and I needed to find her a rebound. It never worked and neither of them were interested.
Again, back to Summer 2016. I had planned a trip to NYC to hang with my sister before I went to Israel for the summer (I sincerely hope I mentioned that in a previous post bc that trip was LIFE changing). Matt always had hilarious snapchats, and our communication via text was getting super strong. Thank you silly memes & Snapchat for reconnecting us.
He ended up totally flaking on me that summer, and I was actually upset. I remember telling Eydn or someone that I would totally hook up with him if I could, but we never actually saw each other. He had a night job that made him sleep all day, and he just couldn't find it in him to be on the right time zone to see me. Anyway, I iced him out for weeks which was so weird because we were talking a LOT... and then I finally gave in and forgave him :)
Now, I decided to visit my sister in January for my long MLKJ weekend and he was one of the first people I connected with. From the moment we talked on the phone giving me directions to him, my heart started to flutter. Then, there I am standing across the street at Union Square Park, looking at that same tall lanky guy, foggy breath rising in the air with a huge cello case on his back walking towards me.
My first thoughts were, oh my gosh he is still so handsome, and second thought was his shoe game is
s t r o n g.
He had me laughing constantly, and it was crazy how it felt like a first date but also a friend that I got right back into the old swing of humor with. I can't describe it; a feeling of comfortability and familiarity yet also those little bits of nerves from a first date where you can't stop smiling and looking away every now and then to see if people see the dumb smile on your face.
We went to this place called Vaselka (a Polish place which is his heritage). We ordered matzah ball soup and pierogies, and almost ordered apple crumb cake which was a joke really, because he was just impersonating a black guy ordering it really well. I actually got it on video. Most of the time I just listened to him speak; on dates I truly do get nervous so I let him do most of the talking. Which actually worked out fine since he is a talker, but one of those rambling humor kind of talkers. Not like a philosophical "I digress" rambling type. A cute "Where was I? Oh yes. Family Guy" type. The banter between us reminds me of my first real love and I (G), how it was like I was always on my toes and never knew what he was going to come up with next. It was always surprises and he always had me laughing. This guy is a lot like that. Very carefree, very whimsical and all the while an absolute gentleman (that dresses like one too).
Needless to say, I don't care if the restaurant is dirt cheap or super expensive; if a guy is paying that is one of the most attractive gestures he can do. ... He did, and insisted.
My first thought was, "Wow he is such a nice guy! This doesn't mean he likes me though."
I pretty much tossed with this the rest of the night, him paying for EVERY single thing and me saying to myself maybe he is just really nice and is doing this because I am visiting.
After Vaselka, we went to some place called Johnson something. It was suuuper hipster. We took a couple shots and it was there I saw he had that glazed look in his eye and the Thirsty Tipsy Tiffany (from now on I will refer to myself in the inebriated state as T3) ... so once T3 saw this, I will admit my first thought was I wonder if we are going to kiss tonight. For the record we absolutely did not.
We met up with my sister and flaky Claire at this place called "No Fun"; stood in line for like 45 minutes and ended up having to store his cello downstairs - he came back telling me he felt like a celebrity which I thought was adorable. We drank, danced, and he meandered my sister and I through the gross and sticky condensed crowd to get to bigger space. He had a pullover sweater on, totally not fitting of the attire of others there but I absolutely loved it. He kind of dresses like a 45 something year old professor but I find that super attractive. Anyway. I even asked my sister when he went to the restroom "I think my friend Matt may like me but I can't tell." She said she thought maybe so too, and wasn't sure either.
THIS is where another part of the three year history replay comes back. That is all I dealt with G. I would say a solid 5 months of situations, hangouts or texting that was like so hard to read. That is basically what I deal with Matt. He has that boyish eluding of flirtatious texts I send to joke it off (a CLASSIC G move) and no matter how hard I try I can't get anything out of him.
So, now here's my predicament.
I left New York a little over a month ago, and Matt and I have talked every. Single. DAY. Every day, without fail. Whether it is an over one hour long phone call or just texting/snapchat, it is every day. And I look forward to it. It's not even weird. I wish I could talk to him on the phone every day. I wish he was going to be visiting AZ in a few weeks for more than just 3 days. He is coming for a Symphony audition. Which... I hope he gets.
I try and say things to try and get more emotion out of him - and it's not like he is a dry, emotionless person. I just try and get out the cute little "I like talking to you everyday too, Tiffany" or "I look forward to talking to you!" "I think about you a lot!"
Now, I know it's in there. It HAS to be. What guy talks to a girl every day, and also has on avg over an hour long phone convo at least 1-2 times per week if they aren't into them? I can't be going crazy...right?
Or is he just a really nice guy? Should I try to make a move when he is here? Do I just straight up offer the couch? SO MANY THOUGHTS. I haven't been interested in someone like this in a very, long time. I wondered when I would be again (if ever), and I never thought it would be someone I met six years prior.
It really truly is when you least expect it. So, in less than three weeks, Matt is here. Here in Arizona. God be with me and give me courage to make a fucking move.
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