October jumbled

I had a really bad lesson today.  Like, so bad that I emailed Professor Jiang and told her I am not motivated. I've never done that before. She never wrote back; I saw her like two hours after I wrote the email and then she gave me a hug. It was actually nice.

I am weirdly negative. Weird, negative mood. It started with seeing this couple at DDS after class dance. They practice and they're getting good. I guess I got oddly jealous of this couple who used to not be that good, because I'm not practicing like that anymore. I am doing half ass practicing with my boyfriend because I don't want us to just spend our time practicing before he leaves, and then half ass practicing Latin with someone else and not doing a lot with him because I'm dividing my half-assed time to both.

On top of that, it is like my lack of motivation is leaking everywhere. What is wrong with me? Am I getting depressed again? I think I am.  Why am I not motivated to do anything anymore?  Even teaching is a drag to me.  I think I'll start exercising soon. I have to. I need to find a way to feel good about myself.

The other day, I wrote this to bf:

i feel like ever since you decided that you wanted to stay together, you’ve been in better spirits which is a relief. you’re really excited to leave. and it feels like that excitement has made leaving easier for you and anything to do with me one less thing to worry about. I’m definitely better than I was when you first told me you were going for sure, but it's still hard. I don’t know when that switch will be, when you are gushing about moving and all the excitement, and I will be able to be jumping up and down right next to you. Maybe it’ll never happen but I hope for your sake and mine it does change. I do know I'll be jumping up and down in the airport when I'm waiting for my flight to see you though like an idiot. This is not saying I am genuinely not happy for you because I am. People are shocked when I say that I never once told you to stay. I still feel that way. If you stayed here only because you didn’t want to leave me, that means a lot - but I would honestly make you leave haha.

Before you had officially decided to stay together you would miss me after just being around me, or take me out. or just enjoy it for “the time we have left”. Anything tends to be more spirited I suppose when you think it’s going to end. I guarantee in my last stretch of violin lessons I’ll probably kick ass more than I ever did all year, but that’s beside the real point. While that part was a shitty feeling, it also brought out this part of you that i didn’t know was there. it was so different to the point where I had to take a step back and realize this was still the same person. and now I’m already feeling like we are going to be dancing a lot more (actually really great, it’s what I wanted the whole time). but I didn’t want my last few weeks of you living here to be like that, and maybe I’m looking at it all wrong like any time spent is what matters most. that’s why I don’t really want to talk about it because I feel dumb and and it’ll get easier with time as things always do. I should be thankful that it is even better than it was ever before.

so it’s like bittersweet because good things are still happening but not I guess at the same time. I love dancing and especially with you (and well) more than anyone else. Dancing with other people has really been an eye opener and it reminded me why when I finally started dancing with you it made me love dancing so much more.  I will definitely keep dancing of course, but I would be lying if I said I feel just as fulfilled afterwards without you there or even close. In the future whenever we do get to dance I’ll take it as a huge treat. I really hate being a debbie downer especially now because i just want the last bit of time you have with/without me here to be all positive, not wasted on stupid boys or me having these feelings of being needy and sad when i should be that happy girlfriend you actually enjoy being around. and with me at least, negativity just pulls me further away from a person and annoys me (as it has in the past not with you) but i really do put up a front a lot of the time. And when I have to say goodbye to you even if it’s after a dance practice it’s like a reminder to me in the moment that i have to do that pretty soon and it will suck so it’s like instant mood change almost every time


Ugh. Just reading it over again makes me mad. Why am I so negative and whiny???
Then, as I'm grocery shopping, we are starting to text about suggestive things, and during that conversation he totally deviates and asks if one of my friends dislikes him because it's been on his mind. Literally mid conversation of the other one. That annoyed me, so I was cold the rest of the night and it is all so dumb.  THEN THEN. Seriously, another then. Then, I see he RSVP'd to an event this Saturday morning to help teach dance.  I KNOW I am going to have to drive him since we'll be doing a lesson with Larry. So I'll have to drive us around Saturday, and to back up it's like I'm mad he wants to go to the event for DDS Saturday. I think it's me getting selfish like, I want to enjoy him all for me or something before he goes. What the FUCK is going on in my head these days? Normally I take pride in my attitude, and I can't say that I feel that way right now. At all.

Another thing is, this one has been building up for awhile I think:

One day it occurred to me and I don't remember what the pivotal point of action was, but I one day asked myself is my boyfriend cheap? I always thought no, because he seems to be a giving person; I remember seeing he donated money to this girl's production for her capstone project, and I don't know I guess when you're in love you really just see the good things. Not to say I am not in love with him anymore because I totally am; but - it's like one day I think after paying for myself when we did things together in one period of time OH I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!!! We were going to eat at Green I believe, and he asked me what I was ordering and I told him. He proceeded to order and then paid for himself, and then I had to go next.  It threw me off a little bit but not enough to notice a change in behavior. Like if you're asking your girlfriend to lunch, you fucking pay for her.  Sorry if that's harsh.

So, a couple more instances happened like this,  and I finally asked one of my girlfriends to answer me honestly. Because at this point, I didn't know if I had just been "spoiled" by seeing how my dad is with literally everyone and anyone (and him & my mom reminiscing on the old days when he was poor but still spent every penny he made on her almost just to take her out), and also the past two guys I've dated were so old fashioned like that. I never paid for dinner or anything with them.  Tyler was like, annoyingly generous. It used to cause fights... like he wouldn't want to go out if he couldn't afford to pay. That's a little excessive.  But it's just weird being with someone that rarely ever takes me out.  It's like, an amazing shock when he does these cute thinking of me moments like buying me kombucha when I didn't even ask for it - his "cheap" behavior is not a reflection of his heart; he is such a kind hearted person and I think it's just one of those qualities I'll have to get used to (which honestly every girl will probably admit isn't their favorite haha).
Back to my story. I ended up asking one of my girlfriends if my boyfriend was cheap because I simply didn't know. She laughed out loud and said WITHOUT hesitation, "Yes!"
Has it been that obvious?? So now, we have this ongoing joke which may be mean, but every time him and I do something and I pay (which is more frequent than not btw) I text her and she gets a big kick out of it.
Continuing with the cheap thing; he hasn't had to pay for rent in so long, and it really upset me that I had to pay for my own ticket to DC when he invited me to a wedding. He said he couldn't pay for it but he could buy us a room.  Does he realize I am a teacher, and I make less than $15k a year?? With that income, I paid for his plane ticket to Chicago, my family bought ALL of his meals, and I provided a hotel.  Without a doubt he probably makes at least triple what I do, no rent costs, and he can't afford to pay for his girlfriend's plane ticket to a wedding HE invited ME to? It is just absolute bs to me. I thought I may have been sounding like a spoiled brat, so I had to consult my best friend and she reminded me that I literally do not think about money when it comes to him - which I don't.  I just don't put a price tag on him, because I love him so much.  Not like you buy love, but because I love him I literally don't care what I have to pay in order to make him happy/be with him. And I struggle with trying to separate what someone is willing/how often someone is willing to spend on you with just their overall love for you.  So I need to divide the two and tell myself that just because he isn't as "generous" towards me as I am towards him, it doesn't reflect on how much he cares about me. Right?????

Again with the kind heart - he gave me ----Yes, gave me, the remaining of his dance lessons ($300). I was shocked.  This is what shows me how kind hearted he is.  I couldn't believe it.  That is fucking generous I would say. I was surprised that he didn't ask me to buy at least 1/2 of the cost or something. Absolutely shocked. I mean this is from the guy that didn't buy my bialy & smoothie ~ $7 during lunch one day.

Writing this all out makes me sound ungrateful, but I am only human. I think a lot of my qualities are not like other girls, but I think most girls or people in general are similar in the sense that they like to feel loved.  I feel loved when I get to spend quality time with a person, and like any girl, I like to be appreciated through actions, and things together.  For me one of the ways I show someone I care is by cooking/baking for them, buying little things here and there -just because I thought of them. But not everyone loves the same way.

---
On Tuesday, I spoke with one of the mothers of my students after his piano lesson, and it came on topic that my boyfriend was moving to Colorado. She seemed lightly concerned and since we aren't close by any stretch, she was delicate about it an I said I was definitely sad, but I am excited for him at the same time in a way. She proceeded to tell me most of the relationship pre-marriage with her husband was long distance. She made me feel so much better about doing long distance. She was so positive! She was saying how with all the technology and cheaper flight tickets than say 10-15 years ago, it's a lot easier to do long distance. Facetime is a thing now. Back then it was phone calls as a primary communication.  I remember when him and I weren't even together last summer,  he wrote me one letter. ONE.  I waited all summer for him, imagining what it could be like when he got back.  Things eventually got moving but that was hard, not talking for 3 months.  I am going to try and budget to visit him 2 times/month. at least. Is that too much?

Jesus this post is long. I've had a lot on my mind lately.

Summary, I love my boyfriend. So much. Struggling to separate what you spend on a person being a measurement of how much you care.  I may be depressed again.  I am not enjoying school right now. I want to dance my ass off.

Remember this feeling

5776

When I think about what my life was like before college, I giggle to myself. There was so much yet to learn, and I still feel this way. If there was that much I learned in 5 years, imagine what my whole life will be like, when I look back on life when I'm hopefully really really old (I hope I make it to be a really old lady. I think I would be a cute old lady, seriously). ((tailing on that parentheses, I will probably also be that really old lady that says hilariously flirtatious things to cute young 20-something-year- old boys and get away with it because a) I'll be adorable and b) I won't give a shit.))

The past week has been really weird. I've never felt so mutually in sync with G, ever. I don't know what happened. When I try and peg a certain time, it makes me cry remembering how I felt with him before June. I remember the night after the drag pageant, we talked in my car for almost two hours, and while I feel kind of like an idiot for saying, "I think you've fallen out of love with me" - because it turns out he wasn't even there to begin with --- but that's another thread. This conversation sparked something in him; I don't know what I said or what did it. What ever it was brought back my boyfriend. Something slapped him in the face like "Hey! Remember this girl!!! She has liked you this whole time, she is giving you the go if you want! But don't! Not yet!" haha.
After that night, I didn't feel like he was just with me to be with me.  It was like he wanted to. He'd reach out to me, see how I was doing, and when we were together, I didn't feel pressured. All along I found out that he has felt a lot of pressure throughout our relationship, but I did too.

The other day, we brought up being there for each other, for all the special event stuff, concerts, races. Me concerts, him races obviously haha.  It was because I accidentally missed his soccer game that morning, and I literally never miss anything he does.  Not because I feel forced or obliged to go because I'm the girlfriend, I want to support him in any way I can.  I enjoy seeing him do stuff that makes him happy.  I find myself laughing or giggling just watching him laugh and smile with his friends on the field during a soccer game, or feeling so proud when I see him for the 10 seconds he passes by me during a race. Or crying when he gets to the finish line (Iron Man - seriously I was like tearing and I was next to his best friends so I was trying my best to hide it.. embarrassing lol).

Anyway, he said he would use this time against me (as a joke) and I responded, "I would totally win that game don't go there" which prompted this whole talk about what he missed, and why I never told him.
That's the thing... I did.  I told him weeks, maybe months in advance for things.  Every time I would bring things up to him with me, pre-I'm-in-love-with-my-girlfriend, I never seemed like something he would was interested in, like in the way I was with him. He would be blase about it like "Oh I'll see if I can go" or just.. not really into it. Into me. He never really showed me that I was a priority to him. This used to be a basis of our arguments earlier on around February, I was always complaining that I didn't want to treat someone like a priority when all I am to them is an option.  I didn't want to talk anyone into seeing me or supporting me, it should just be done. I literally watched him put the date in his phone (or at least I thought he was doing that when he pulled up his calendar and said that's what he was going to do lol). He had told me he was going to visit Colorado at some point during camp, which was a great idea.  But then he knew my concert was happening.  It hurt that he didn't come, or really make it a priority to try and be there.  I mean, it's a big fucking deal btw to be a concertmaster. You're the best in the orchestra. He's probably never going to see me do that, because I don't know when I'll do it again.

My friends drove from Phoenix and surprised me at the concert, sending me snapchats of the concert- I didn't know they were there until intermission when I checked my phone and got pictures OF me. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy I almost cried.  What makes it worse is that the two guys are; one of them may like me, and the other made a pass at me a couple times. But they were there. They showed their support. They are, in no stretch of the imagination, musicians. And they drove up just to see me play classical music for 2 hours.  My friend Ali came with me the entire weekend, and we had a blast. We met a couple guys the night before and I was such a good wingman haha. One guy kissed my cheek that night, it was so weird.  I remember feeling like OH MY GOD DID I JUST CHEAT even though I didn't even see it coming.  I gave him a handshake after that.  I really do NOT handle myself very well in situations like that haha.

Jesus I went off on a tangent! BACK TO STORY-----

So bf and I are talking about it all, and then he said something like that I never tell him about anything, and I should've reminded him or told him. I DID! I don't want to have to egg you on to support me. He only has to tell me once about things, and then it sticks. And then when I know that there is something happening and I don't remember exactly when, I make sure that all my duckies are in a row before planning. I always take him into consideration because he's a priority. Granted, I think that if this was to happen now - where we are now, it would be totally different. He would probably highlight, post it, phone reminder, because I genuinely feel like a priority to him now. The other night I was crying, and he was going to drive over to me at 3 in the morning just to be with me and make me feel better, even though he had that soccer game (that I missed) the next morning.  That to me meant more than anything tangible I could ever get. Okay not always, he did get me this necklace and I wear it every day. I freaking love it. It's like a reminder to me every day that I am his and only his...even if I did receive this when that loving feeling wasn't mutual lol.

The things he has really wanted to do, he always asks about. I remember my recital coming up, he asked me like 7 times.  I never "reminded" him of my things or never have because I figure if he really wants to go, he will go and inquire more. So I tell him about it, give the date, and he'll go if I'm important. Since I didn't feel prioritized in his life, I never pushed anything that came to my life because I figured it didn't matter to him much anyway. Does this make sense? Why am I asking that question?? No one reads this. I guess it just makes me feel a little better.

So he told me to "let him know more often" or something like that, I and I simply just said "okay" back, instead of the paragraph above which I felt would just be rude to say. But really, what does he expect?  How am I supposed to try and include someone in my life when they don't make me feel included in theirs?

I have so, so so much practicing to do it scares me. Bach Chaconne is something I've been wanting to play for years though. When I play it I will probably cry haha.

To get back on track of things, AGAIN.....

I love hearing I love you first. I used to be so scared to even text it to him (I think partially because I knew he didn't feel exactly the same way back), and now I don't even have to say it first. We say it when we want, he says it to me and it never gets old hearing it. Ever. He could have just said it and I could hear it 5 seconds later, still get warm fuzzies just as much.

It's the Jewish New Year, and it is bringing some new feelings of love and growth to this relationship. And I am loving it so far. But I do feel myself not always giving 100%, I know it's because I'm afraid he's going to leave me.  I really enjoy myself the majority of the time. And most of the time I am not holding back; usually he is well aware of when I am and does what he can to make me feel comfortable. Which I love.

I took a break from writing which is why this has deviated and probably seems like I lost my groove from earlier (because I did) - I just spent an hour reading ALL of my old blog posts. There are so many in the drafts, too! I didn't post a lot of things, and I still have that file on my computer of random thoughts too. There is so much to go through. Some of it made me cringe haha.

I only saw G last night, and I already miss him. We went through so many emotional highs and lows yesterday; it makes me laugh to think about.  Like, EXTREME highs and lows, lefts and rights. Everything. So comical.

Maybe I will continue to write more later if I can get my groove back.

L'Shana Tova!

The moment we've been waiting for

I feel so loved. I haven't felt this really ever.  Which makes it difficult.  Why does he have to go away when it's all falling into place (more so)?  He tells me openly that he loves me.  Even though it hurt so bad hearing that somehow me being submissive for most of the relationship bit me in the ass,  our relationship just keeps getting better.  He misses me, he loves me. He cares.

These were all things I used to "complain" about not feeling.  why can't he love me like I love him or whatever, which definitely seems so silly to write down. But I remember thinking this. That's what pissed me off though; when he told me a few weeks back that he never felt like he was going to lose me or felt like we were growing together --- or he never felt the same way about me. Those things hurt to hear.  Just because I liked him more than he liked me I feel does not say there wasn't growth.  Just because he didn't fall in love with me the way he expected shouldn't change what's happening now. Which actually he said. But when he was telling me, it was coming off like he was complaining about it like there has always been this disconnect with us, and then said "But it doesn't matter anymore I'm telling you this because I feel so comfortable now and because I love you". Didn't matter, it still hurt and I still cried. I think a part of me is still not over hearing all that. I tried so hard to make him feel at ease with me all the time, and tried to back off to see if he'd come to me. It turns out he never did "come around" until recent, which led me to think WHY has he been with me this whole time if he has been obviously feeling a different way?? I felt cheated, led on. Betrayed. It definitely explained the times when I'd get pissed about saying "I love you" in a text and then him responding with a "< 3 "

So back to the wedding.  First off, I don't know what it is but seeing him in a kippa is so hot. Lol.  Like I give him googly eyes constantly.  He just melts me.

We danced like crazy, and the hora was so freakin fun. I also danced with his cousin David; one memory that is my favorite of that evening is him and bf passing me between each other sharing me as a dance partner. Such a blast. I found out later that we had a crowd. Usually in those situations I don't actually notice when there's a crowd. It's like my violin, I tune it out to focus more. Dancing is a little more of an extroverted hobby for me, I am definitely more showy with it- maybe because I'm more confident with it. I could feel people watching but I didn't know it was a lot.

Gosh. Just the night before the wedding was amazing. He was holding me, kissing me while I slept, telling me he loved me. It's like the moment I had been waiting for, for so long.  I remember wanting to smile; not sure if I did because I was so tired, but I felt it. I remember feeling like wow, this is amazing. I'm falling asleep next to the person I am crazy in love with, and I actually think he feels the same way.

The moment we've been waiting for, people.  Finally. And now you're tellin' me that I may have to let him go in a few months? I will literally save all my money just to visit him as much as I can if/when he moves.

Is it creepy that when I was watching his cousin get married, that I imagined him and I in the chuppah, doing the whole ritual?  I really do think I am the creepiest person sometimes. It's not like I think he's my soul mate, but I do think it's normal to picture yourself long term with the person you love. I wonder if he's done that with me lol. I kind of hope so, so I can feel a little more validated about this haha.

Continuing with what I was saying earlier, I feel like after finding out how not on the same page we were for most of the relationship stung, and I'm still recovering. It's like he's strangely getting what he always wanted in the beginning. Like I am apprehensive with him, starting to protect myself and not just be 100% all in, his call all the time. I've shelled myself since that talk, and it sucks but I can't change it. I wonder when I will feel totally comfortable again. I'm not sure I will for awhile considering I can't even get a solid commitment from him with the whole November thing.

Update

"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it."

This was just like a *mind blown* moment for me.  And it is so true.  I wonder if I should share this with the bf.  He's said something exactly along these lines in regards to our relationship; that it's so great but he's always going to wonder "What if".  Not that it's not a completely abnormal thought, I think that too. A lot. I think to myself, "Is he really the best I can do? Is he the best for me?"

My love for him just consumes me, and makes me want to continue.  I have that doubt, but I also am feeling so loved and don't want it to go away.

I've been working on the Bach Chaconne for about a month now, and I started working on it when he and I started talking about breaking up. So now every time I'm practicing it or listen to a recording of myself for performance practice, I hear the sadness in my playing. I can hear in the dissonance, this instability and shakiness.  Is this piece totally blackballed now??? I mean this was something I have been wanting to play for years, and now I finally am. Maybe this is inevitably my interpretation of it. And I think it would be enjoyable for people but the way I'm playing it may cause tears (which is actually a personal goal for me whenever I play.  I want people to feel what I'm feeling).

So much as happened: I just came back from an extremely quick trip to DC for a wedding with the bf, and it was an absolute fairytale of a wedding. I met one side of his family, and they were all very sweet to me.  I remember the first time I met his parents, I was so scared. Like, BOTH of them are rabbis! They're gonna hate me!!! Thinking they're orthodox or something. It's so silly when I think about it now.  Out of all people that I would expect to make me feel uncomfortable, I was thinking it'd be them.  But never once have they, ever. I truly adore them.  His mom is one of the sweetest women in the world, she always makes me feel at ease. Which probably makes her an amazing rabbi, too. And his dad good god. He is freaking hilarious.  Even after a year I'm not used to his humor, so I'm always still laughing after everyone else is over what he said. I see so much of my boyfriend in him, I actually think he looks more like his dad than mom.

I have been teaching for a month and been in school for about a month - gosh how time is flyin' already. I am also trying to move into my new apartment at the end of the month; I'm hoping I save money but we'll see.

Next post will be juicier.

times like these

Hangouts like last night just really blow my mind. In a good way. They're bittersweet in a way.  How could it get any better?? And then it does. Evenings like last night make me ask myself "how could we ever be apart ever again" ? How? I don't understand. Everything just fits and flows and is so organic. How could we ever want to be apart after this. Sorry, how could he want to be apart especially after times like yesterday.

Being with his family is something I really do treasure. It used to bug me being around really happy families who get along really well, but I have never once felt that way with his family. Ever. Even though his family dynamic is so different from my family's, I have never felt so at ease as I do there.  Another thing that means seriously the world to me is whenever I go over there for dinner on Shabbat, his mom blesses me too.  Like I am her child.  It makes me smile and I feel so full of love after something that takes 8 seconds. It's just the meaning behind that makes me want to just hug her.  I love his family. I am pretty sure he doesn't like mine though haha. He has seen the not so wonderful sides of my family that I am embarrassed to admit even occur.

Last night was just really chill.  I was okay with just sitting there with him on his bed in silence (Something I have NEVER been okay with until him) until he was ready to talk to me - I knew something was up in his mind but it would take awhile to warm up. We just talked about a lot, got a lot out in the open and it was so refreshing. Although, I am still confused as to what he meant when he said that he feels like things have come full circle, about moving or something. I may need reclarification.

I love this guy so much. I know neither of us have really dated a lot of other people.  But that should not retract from the sincerity and depth of what I feel. It shouldn't be any less validating because I am only 23, or that I haven't had "7 boyfriends" - as a wise educator told me (she said I should have at least 7 boyfriends before I decide to be with 'the one').

I know soulmates aren't a thing. But everyone has a choice. Even though my choice isn't something that has to be permanent, I have to see where it goes. Because I've never experienced anything so nerve-wracking (because I care so fucking much) and perfect at the same time.

New dance era

I have always loved dance. Always.  I have never dated someone who danced a lot, or considered themselves a dancer. I always was with someone that would watch me do my thing. Like, it's my hobby and they have their own but we appreciate each other's talents. This talent became a shared one; I was never watching him dance because I am part of that hobby. We were each other's partners.  When I initially found out he was going away, I was just shocked. I didn't even think about dance.

Once dance kicked in my brain, I realized that ballroom dance had become something for me that was a love I shared with the person I love.  I felt like I can't do that with anybody else. It would be too weird. Now if the situation was reversed, I think he would still miss dancing with me but he also did it more for himself - for his gain.  He is much better at keeping things mutually exclusive.  I start to overlap my interests and feelings with each other.  For me, the thought of dancing with someone else was just weird. Why would I do that? He's my partner. Which is dumb. But when someone else asked to be my dance partner after finding out that I won't be with Gabi anymore, I didn't jump at the opportunity and I think most would in that situation. Especially if it's someone good. Good dancer guys are hard to come by.  So I asked myself what is wrong here. This guy is a great dancer. And it's because it's like I'm not ready.  But this may be good for me; to remind me why I loved dancing in the first place. I don't love dancing because of Gabi, I love dancing because I love dancing. Even if he made me love it more.  I think dancing with someone I am not romantically interested or attracted to will be good for this situation/me. I will remember why I love dancing without that romantic component.

It's just hard. It'll be hard going on the floor and not having Gabi next to me holding my hand.

Away

I would also like to add that hearing him say last night that I should go away, or move and do something for me hurt. It hurts thinking there could be a time when I couldn't come home and tell him about my day. Or hear about his. It really hurts to think that someday he could meet someone that would make him totally forget about me and what we have.

Choice

I forgot what this feels like to be anxious all the time. Not really anxious, but just uncertain. My life gets so hectic that I crave stability. I came to the conclusion last night when I reluctantly was sharing my feelings that I purposefully keep myself busy so I don't have to think about a lot of things. Because of the type of person I am; over-analyzing, over-thinking, over-doing, I don't want to be left alone with my feelings for too long.  Usually I can be, but things just keep adding up. First I'm dealing with family stuff, and okay what ever I've learned to deal with that. But now that I have this haunting feeling that there is a high probability that I am going to be losing one of the closest people in my life in just a few months, it has turned me upside down. Most of the time I pride myself in being a strong person and strong willed, but this one is just an internal battle.  I'm in this stage now for the past couple days where it's like I'm just looking for things to be upset over.  Example. I remember saying months and months ago ... specifically January that if he didn't see this going anywhere, as just something intermediary, then I wanted it to end right then.  All he said was he isn't sure about anything and can't say that because you just don't know.  It turns out he had known all along.  He said the other day that he always thought this would just be a transitionary thing for him, to lead to the next step in his life which is a move away. But then this turned into something more than he thought it would.  Why wasn't he up front with me? Why did he have to lie?  Now I am in this situation, 8 months later still not in control, and without a say.  I'm just sitting here waiting for him to say, "Okay. Let's do long distance." Or find out that I'm just not worth it.  It hurts to think about.  Why does me having to be a good person to see a future with have to bite me in the ass? Why is this not something that is working out for me?

I don't believe in true love. I don't believe that there is one single person out there for you.  It's an active choice.  I could have made it work with Tyler, John. I could have. But I didn't. I chose not to.  For a while, I could see myself with Tyler. Fuck I stayed with him for 4 years.  People change, things change. And that's okay. For a while, I made the active choice of committing, even though in the end all it turned out to be was me being scared. But I made the choice to stay until I realized this was not for me.  I saw it through. Now this,  what I have right now is something beautiful.  I've never met anyone like him before.  He inspires me.  What a person should do for you. But for that to just be ripped away from you before it even blossoms to something better? I have a difficult time understanding this. I didn't expect to meet someone at 23 that I could see myself with forever, and I think part of that uncertainty is still here because it's still hard for me to believe sometimes that him and I are even together.  From the moment I met him (again), I felt something different than I had with anyone else.  Even the first time we met, I told Eydn about it and said, "He's literally perfect! He's funny, Jewish, perfect looking, but too bad I'm with Tyler."  Verbatim.  She even remembers this conversation. Which makes us giggle.

I can't just give up right now because it doesn't feel right. If it felt right to end it, I absolutely would.  This isn't even in a selfless way, but it isn't entirely selfish reasons either. It just doesn't feel right letting go right now. Of course you're not going to stay with someone if they want out. Obviously. But he wants in and thinks I'm awesome. Why isn't that enough for now.

The thought of him with someone else instantly brings tears to my eyes.  It makes it hard to breathe, that right now someone I love so much could have even a small desire to be with someone else.  A part of me knows this is because I'm the first long term girlfriend he's had in college. But so? The grass isn't always greener on the other side. But I had to figure that out for myself.  I used to be envious of one of my friends who literally could just hook up with people and have this Miss Independent persona.  Like, wow. That is so cool. But then I realized she is actually kind of lonely, and she is guarding something.  She had her heart broken and was afraid to bounce back. And now she is in a relationship again, and I've never seen her happier.

 He hasn't had the opportunity yet to do so. And it sucks.  Because I know feelings fade. I know it is so hard to imagine now, but I know that my feelings would fade for him, especially if I kept telling myself that he wants to be with other people.  I would have to force myself. Force myself out of one of the most amazing things I've ever felt.   I know he would find someone else, because there are so many people in this world that are going to be a good fit for you.  It's who you decide to just make a choice to see where it goes with.  And that's what pisses me off.  Just because I didn't meet you when you are 30 I'm not right for you?  What is so wrong about me now?  If you want to go off and find yourself, what is stopping you?  It's not like you would just stop talking to all your family and friends, it's just me.  Me, a person that is so supportive, literally at a point where I love him so much that I want him to go.  I'm stopping him somehow.  And I guess the only thing I'm stopping him from his what.  Sexual experiences? Date nights? Trips alone? I don't know.

If going off and doing you is what you want to do, then do it. But don't make any less of what we have or say it isn't "what's right" right now. Because that is bull shit. No one knows where they will be when they are 30. I don't know where I'll be.  But for me to be something that is stopping you from finding yourself is just stupid.

You learn a lot about yourself from your relationships with others.  Relationships are so beautiful because of that scary thought of what your life might be like if they weren't there. That thought itself is amazing to me,  how much impact a single person can have on one's life.  Every person in this world really does hold such a high power in that regard.  Isn't it crazy to think about?  You alone can give someone butterflies, even if you aren't around. You could be the reason a person gets up in the morning, or the reason why they can go to sleep.  You could be the reason why they can't sleep at night.  You can get to know a person so well that just within a single second of seeing them, you know if they are okay.  You know exactly how to make them feel better, and you know what exactly makes them feel good. You know every surface of their body and every spot that they crave.

I just want to be there. I want to be part of an adventure. I don't like being seen as a blockade, because I shouldn't be. At this point I feel like saying, Ok. Do you. Sleep with as many people as you need to, date who you must, stop talking to me if you want to. But give it 6 months. Find yourself and hopefully that leads you back to me.  I don't know if this is denial or what, but a part of me just has this feeling that he will come back.  How could he not? And maybe it would completely backfire and he would meet someone who fits him better than I do. When he wanted a break from me a few months ago, it broke my heart.  It actually physically hurt me.  For that I am somewhat grateful, seeing how much I truly care about a person. I didn't know I could feel that much.

But I knew I had to let him go in order for him to figure out things on his own. And sure, I don't know if he started talking to other girls during that time, fine. But I got what I hoped for in the end, he came back to me.

It's difficult for me to imagine life without him. It really is. I'm just choosing to not do that right now.  Because why would I? From a completely selfish standpoint, he is what is best for me right now.  He makes me happier than any other person. I'm making a choice to see this through, even within these next few months. Why would I end something that feels so right? I'm trying not to have a plan for my life right now, and with that said I'm trying to take this for what it is right now. Yes he may seem to be someone I could spend the rest of my life with, like in the most non-creep way possible I could imagine this fulfilling life with him being married with kids.  We just make such a good team.  But I'm not focusing on the future, even if he and I don't see it the same (although that is the problem ultimately is this part of the future is seen identically).  Why worry about that now?  Why push me away now when we aren't even there? I just want to live my life and why not have an amazing guy who has become such an important part of my life stick around for some of it? Yeah he may want out later, but why kill it when it's good?  I just have more love to give right now that I am choosing to not give to anyone else. Because no one is loving me better right now than him. And I can say confidently that I am doing the same for him right now too.  It's just not computing for me and I need a better reason.  His reason isn't good enough for me.

World's Difference

I would just like to say that I love love. Yes, I realize the tone of this is already starting off completely different than most of my posts as of recent. But I really do. It amazes me the power it has on someone, anyone.  It affects their entire perspective, their way of living.  I think the month of June and I suppose May as well were kind of low points for me this year.  It really shows me now where I am in a regular state of mind just how powerful love can be and what it can do to you, for better and for worse.  It's like a pill that if I don't have it, I can't function.  Or it can literally drive you insane. Thinking of every outcome, every possible situation that you could be in just to prepare yourself for the worst. Making your mind wander into dark places that really is just making you feel worse, and feel less of a person.

Now that I have been reading more about the Keirsey personality profiles, the ENFJ profile has been helping me understand how I see myself in a relationship. It brings more clarity to read that I'm not insane for putting other's needs before mine (not trying to be self righteous here, I literally will put any of my friend's needs before mine especially a s.o. ) and that it is part of my temperament to be a people pleaser. It also helps me realize that I need to start paying attention to myself more often and remember that I have needs too. Haha.

That's what makes people love each other in the first place, I think.  They see you and all the things that make you, you.  What food you like, how you react in situations, how your personality compliments theirs, common interests. If I forget what makes me how I am, then what could I possibly offer in a positive way to a relationship?  You don't want to become the same person as who you're with; it's that combination of similarities and differences that brought you two together.

That was a point that was made when I had a heart to heart with the bf over the weekend. He wants me to voice my opinions more and what I want. It wasn't that easy though;  I got to a place emotionally where I felt too scared to even say that I wanted to see him, because I thought he would just say no. I didn't want to smother him, or be on this higher level of love and commitment than him. And once we both got out in the air what our current anxieties of the relationship were, I know that I felt just a huge breath of relief and I could tell he did too.

One thing I felt so bad about about was I accidentally let it slip out that I had made reservations to take him to dinner and everything which I didn't ever plan on telling him.  Yeah, I was upset that he didn't want to see me but I just wanted him to have a good birthday and it be on his terms whatever he wanted to do.  After my dance performance he was weird and funky and I immediately thought, oh shit please not again we were starting to do so well and now he's back to being weird and depressed and not feeling it.  Him feeling bad about "ruining" my birthday plans for him opened up all these repressed anxieties we were both having about the relationship and it was such a relief.  I even had the courage to tell him that I thought he wasn't in love with me anymore and it sucked to hear myself say it out loud, but I wanted him to know how I felt.

Basically, by the end of our hour and 45 minute conversation in my car, we decided to say goodbye and we didn't want to leave each other. It was like old times. He even said he would miss me. I hadn't heard that in a long time. Ever since then, we have been back to our old selves, sending stupid photos and updating throughout the day. I am not holding back with asking to hang out, and it is so refreshing.  It's nice to feel wanted again and loved. While it's not 100% back to where it was, it is pretty damn close. Like a world's difference from even two weeks ago. I can't believe I have the old boyfriend back. He even changed his plans to be able to see me on the 4th of July which was shocking, I even told him to not worry about changing his camping trip but he did anyway. He is also going to Hawaii too to visit me, and I am so so excited.

On a separate note, I have my surgery scheduled for a week from Monday. Finally this sucker is coming out. I wonder if it has been the cause of the years of abdominal pain I've had. If it all goes away, that'll be amazing. If not, turns out Accutane did fuck up my body.

I also got my first credit card bill back. Holy shit, I spent money so fast. :(