I can't even deal with how much has happened since the last time I wrote, haha.
For one, I am single now. It's so weird. Coming from a place where I was so sure; so sure this person was the one for me. I feel like an idiot. Someone that I trusted with my heart, broke it. I have never loved a person the way I loved Gabi, ever. I can say that in a retrospective way, too. Even with the pain I am learning to deal with through any distraction I can have, he is the greatest love I have experienced. And this is with someone who didn't love me, nor treat me the way I deserved. I can only imagine how someday, when someone treats me and cherishes me the way I do them will feel like. That is probably going to be something truly amazing.
It's weird to think I'm not with him anymore, and it's weird that I am trying to move on from him. The first two weeks were extremely difficult. I cried a lot. I felt sick a lot. I didn't understand anything. I kept blaming karma; like, this is happening to me because of the way I broke up with John & Tyler.
What is the most unsettling thought for me is that he is totally okay. That he is living life, this amazing life without me. That he may be finding more comfort with someone else. That's what hurts is that even if he says it wasn't me but him (totally fucking cliche btw), that I was apparently perfect - but not good or perfect enough to keep around, or commit to. What was wrong with me? What is it about the new girl in his life in the future that I didn't have?
Things like this scare me. Just when I think I have my life figured out, something changes like a slap in the face. And I'm back to wondering what the fuck is going on.
He was one of my closest friends. One of things I miss most is the way he used to make me laugh. Even after almost a year and a half together, it never got old. He even would joke that it was a miracle that I still found him funny after so long. Will I ever find that again? Everyone tells me it's his loss. His loss. Why am I the one feeling so empty? I keep distracting myself with tinder or bumble, and I don't feel satisfied. I keep wondering when another Gabi will come around. Of course I don't want a carbon copy of Gabi. But there are things about him that I wonder if I will ever get to see in someone else. He wasn't a very emotional person, but once he let me in it was really beautiful. It made it that much more meaningful. I hate writing this all out because it's bringing out these emotions in me that I have been trying so desperately to suppress.... When will I be able to talk about it like it's nothing? Will him and I be friends? When will I be okay with that thought?
New beginnings. My life is full of them right now. Since the end of October, I've been working out a lot. I've been eating better. I began my official Jewish conversion. I have an awesome rabbi/mentor. He is amazing. I am almost done with school. I want to feel so happy, and I do for the most part, but there is that part of me that feels empty. And I wonder if that will ever go away.
I still fantasize about Gabi coming back to me, saying he misses me or wants me back. You'd think that would not be a thing anymore. You'd think the thought of me being with him would make me sick, but it doesn't. Of course it doesn't. Love like this doesn't just go away. That's what hurts, is that I am aware that I loved him on a much deeper level than he did me. So while he is probably totally fine right now, I'm still sort of scrambling to make sense of why I'm not whole, or why I wasn't good enough.
I'm 23 and I don't feel whole. What if it never gets better? What if I end up settling for someone just to get over him? What if he ruined it for me. I loved.. .well. Love. I loved him so much. I want to tell myself that "I never saw this coming" but I think deep down I did, I just hoped he would come around like he eventually always did; he always came to realizations after me. Which sucked but it made it worthwhile.
Right now it seems like guys are interested in me... which is great. This should be fantastic. I wanna run with it and live. I wanna live like he probably is. I hope this conversion will help me connect with myself again, help me realize my self -worth. Because I know I'm a catch. I just have to remind myself that I have so much more to give and offer that I should be with someone that appreciates that.
There's the end of my thoughts on that. On a totally separate note, I have one, maybe two dates this week. One with a guy I met at a White Elephant party (mutual friend) and then a random add on FB, also have mutual friends. They're both Jewish. Plus.
Dear God, please help me find the courage in myself to have fun and realize my awesomeness again. The end
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Friday, November 13, 2015
only words
In long distance, words are everything. If I don't hear from him all day, I'll get anxious. Because all we have are words. But once he says "I love you", I feel okay again. I can last another day. I miss him so much.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Fear
I miss him so much. Now that he's gone, and our competition prep is over, I have so much more time on my hands. It's crazy. I plan on practicing a lot of violin.
I have a few fears and they are all crazy. But I have to write them out.
1) I spoke with Jee on the phone yesterday, and she was just flipping out that it is even a possibility that I may have to take a bus once I get to Denver to see him. She told me Kent used to be a union bus driver, school full-time, and would sometimes drive 3 hours to go get her at the airport. I asked him how I'll get to Breckenridge from the airport, and he said "I'll pick you up if I'm off work, if not then there's a bus to Breckenridge from the airport."
I'll admit that stung a little; I would find a fucking way to pick him up if it was reversed. And then I see his point; he's just starting a new job and he can't just ask off a Friday evening and Sunday evening to take me back. But idk. I wonder if these times where I keep convincing myself are even worth it. Am I just stooping my standards lower and lower to try and accommodate him? I told Jee "Maybe I am dickwhipped." She said that's not it because when you're that, usually the guy knows it and he's fucking with your head. She said the worst part about this all is that he is such a sweet guy, and doesn't know. He literally doesn't know how selfish he is being, how easy I keep making it.
2) I wonder if I am dealing with all this stuff, him not treating me like I should be, and then learns all these mistakes by me complaining; gets tired of me, then breaks up, and then some other girl gets all the good of him. The part I've been waiting for because I have seen little bits of it and know it's there.
3) I am scared for when only seeing me once a month or so won't be worth it anymore, when our feelings for each other won't be enough. I am so scared. The positive part of me is so determined to make it work, but I don't want to be the only one doing anything.
4) I just hate the thought of him being with someone else. I hate it.
I have a few fears and they are all crazy. But I have to write them out.
1) I spoke with Jee on the phone yesterday, and she was just flipping out that it is even a possibility that I may have to take a bus once I get to Denver to see him. She told me Kent used to be a union bus driver, school full-time, and would sometimes drive 3 hours to go get her at the airport. I asked him how I'll get to Breckenridge from the airport, and he said "I'll pick you up if I'm off work, if not then there's a bus to Breckenridge from the airport."
I'll admit that stung a little; I would find a fucking way to pick him up if it was reversed. And then I see his point; he's just starting a new job and he can't just ask off a Friday evening and Sunday evening to take me back. But idk. I wonder if these times where I keep convincing myself are even worth it. Am I just stooping my standards lower and lower to try and accommodate him? I told Jee "Maybe I am dickwhipped." She said that's not it because when you're that, usually the guy knows it and he's fucking with your head. She said the worst part about this all is that he is such a sweet guy, and doesn't know. He literally doesn't know how selfish he is being, how easy I keep making it.
2) I wonder if I am dealing with all this stuff, him not treating me like I should be, and then learns all these mistakes by me complaining; gets tired of me, then breaks up, and then some other girl gets all the good of him. The part I've been waiting for because I have seen little bits of it and know it's there.
3) I am scared for when only seeing me once a month or so won't be worth it anymore, when our feelings for each other won't be enough. I am so scared. The positive part of me is so determined to make it work, but I don't want to be the only one doing anything.
4) I just hate the thought of him being with someone else. I hate it.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Gone
He left today.... he moved away today. And I am surprisingly not balling my eyes out every 5 minutes like I thought I would be. There is definitely a space missing. I miss him, I do. This just shows that it is possible to live without the person you love. It just isn't the same.
It's so simple to me, I love him and there is a void that needs to be filled. He is a part of me and now that part has moved away. I will only feel whole again when I can be around him again. I hope it's mutual.
It's so simple to me, I love him and there is a void that needs to be filled. He is a part of me and now that part has moved away. I will only feel whole again when I can be around him again. I hope it's mutual.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Last few days
First off to preface this I would like to say my boyfriend took care of me all freakin week. It was the sweetest thing I think he has ever done. I almost couldn't believe it. Here we are, less than a week before he leaves. It flew by.
I feel like most of the time WAS me crying about him leaving, and I'm sad for that. Because I wonder if he is going to be leaving, exhausted from this relationship. The last month was not our best.
I woke up this morning feeling like we are broken up. We aren't, although I think we almost did last night. We almost broke up. And now I'm scared that if we get into a fight when he's in Colorado, he will do just that. He'll just forget how much he loves me because he's angry. Or wonder why he's even doing this. He said that yesterday... when he's upset it's hard to tell if he's still with me because he loves me or if it's because he's just scared. That really hurt to hear, because no matter how angry I am - even if we were to break up, I wouldn't think it's because of that. I know I love him. It almost feels like how we were back in June. And that scares me.
What can I do to salvage these last few days before he leaves, to show him that this is still something worth being in? I do feel like less of a person when he isn't here. I feel like I miss him already. I miss him so much. Why does it feel like a constant battle. One bad fight, and I feel like I'm losing it all. We've had an amazing last couple months here before he's left. It was the best part of our relationship.
I made him a scrapbook. What if he doesn't like it? What if he is wondering what to do with it? I put so much time. yikes and money... into it. It hurts to think that he may throw it away someday. Or it might end up under his bed without a care. Yeah that part stings.
I've seen what long distance can do to even the most beautiful couple. It can break them. I guess a lot of people get through it too, though. I just have to stay positive. I think that's why I've broken down so many times is because I've had a little bit of experience with long distance and it's failed both times. So what's different with this time? I keep asking myself. And then I remember it's him. He's the difference. I really love him and if we both truly love each other, we will find a way. I can't really describe how I love him, or why. I read this article on one of those news websites about how there are like these 15 questions you should be able to answer about the person you love, I surprisingly knew a few. We've only been together a little over a year, but there was one asking if you knew why you loved the person you do. Well, here's why.
I love Gabi because most importantly, he is always challenging me. I like feeling like someone isn't agreeing with my opinion just because they like me. He's shown me that's okay to do. I love him because of how he makes me feel. I am not the prettiest girl (not ugly either). But sometimes when I am with him, he somehow makes me feel like I am prettier than any girl we walk by. He makes me feel so treasured. And I love him because of the little things we do for each other. How he knows exactly how to comfort me in any situation, and also exactly how to make me smile. He knows I like to be loved after I get upset, and I know he doesn't. We know each other and I like that.
It's these little things that I hope he remembers when I'm not around him all the time.
I feel like most of the time WAS me crying about him leaving, and I'm sad for that. Because I wonder if he is going to be leaving, exhausted from this relationship. The last month was not our best.
I woke up this morning feeling like we are broken up. We aren't, although I think we almost did last night. We almost broke up. And now I'm scared that if we get into a fight when he's in Colorado, he will do just that. He'll just forget how much he loves me because he's angry. Or wonder why he's even doing this. He said that yesterday... when he's upset it's hard to tell if he's still with me because he loves me or if it's because he's just scared. That really hurt to hear, because no matter how angry I am - even if we were to break up, I wouldn't think it's because of that. I know I love him. It almost feels like how we were back in June. And that scares me.
What can I do to salvage these last few days before he leaves, to show him that this is still something worth being in? I do feel like less of a person when he isn't here. I feel like I miss him already. I miss him so much. Why does it feel like a constant battle. One bad fight, and I feel like I'm losing it all. We've had an amazing last couple months here before he's left. It was the best part of our relationship.
I made him a scrapbook. What if he doesn't like it? What if he is wondering what to do with it? I put so much time. yikes and money... into it. It hurts to think that he may throw it away someday. Or it might end up under his bed without a care. Yeah that part stings.
I've seen what long distance can do to even the most beautiful couple. It can break them. I guess a lot of people get through it too, though. I just have to stay positive. I think that's why I've broken down so many times is because I've had a little bit of experience with long distance and it's failed both times. So what's different with this time? I keep asking myself. And then I remember it's him. He's the difference. I really love him and if we both truly love each other, we will find a way. I can't really describe how I love him, or why. I read this article on one of those news websites about how there are like these 15 questions you should be able to answer about the person you love, I surprisingly knew a few. We've only been together a little over a year, but there was one asking if you knew why you loved the person you do. Well, here's why.
I love Gabi because most importantly, he is always challenging me. I like feeling like someone isn't agreeing with my opinion just because they like me. He's shown me that's okay to do. I love him because of how he makes me feel. I am not the prettiest girl (not ugly either). But sometimes when I am with him, he somehow makes me feel like I am prettier than any girl we walk by. He makes me feel so treasured. And I love him because of the little things we do for each other. How he knows exactly how to comfort me in any situation, and also exactly how to make me smile. He knows I like to be loved after I get upset, and I know he doesn't. We know each other and I like that.
It's these little things that I hope he remembers when I'm not around him all the time.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Sick love
So at first when I left my house to get myself "sick food" and left my boyfriend in bed, I was furious. WHY am I getting out of bed to get myself food? He should be doing this for me-- I thought. I was pissed. Once I got back though, he was perfect. He took care of me, and was amazing. When I thanked him at the end of the day, I almost cried haha. He was so sweet to me. It's times like these where I feel like I am honestly the luckiest girl in the world. I wonder if he ever feels like that too. I try and treat him well, although I feel like recently I get pissed about small things. I think it's lack of sleep.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
October jumbled
I had a really bad lesson today. Like, so bad that I emailed Professor Jiang and told her I am not motivated. I've never done that before. She never wrote back; I saw her like two hours after I wrote the email and then she gave me a hug. It was actually nice.
I am weirdly negative. Weird, negative mood. It started with seeing this couple at DDS after class dance. They practice and they're getting good. I guess I got oddly jealous of this couple who used to not be that good, because I'm not practicing like that anymore. I am doing half ass practicing with my boyfriend because I don't want us to just spend our time practicing before he leaves, and then half ass practicing Latin with someone else and not doing a lot with him because I'm dividing my half-assed time to both.
On top of that, it is like my lack of motivation is leaking everywhere. What is wrong with me? Am I getting depressed again? I think I am. Why am I not motivated to do anything anymore? Even teaching is a drag to me. I think I'll start exercising soon. I have to. I need to find a way to feel good about myself.
The other day, I wrote this to bf:
Ugh. Just reading it over again makes me mad. Why am I so negative and whiny???
Then, as I'm grocery shopping, we are starting to text about suggestive things, and during that conversation he totally deviates and asks if one of my friends dislikes him because it's been on his mind. Literally mid conversation of the other one. That annoyed me, so I was cold the rest of the night and it is all so dumb. THEN THEN. Seriously, another then. Then, I see he RSVP'd to an event this Saturday morning to help teach dance. I KNOW I am going to have to drive him since we'll be doing a lesson with Larry. So I'll have to drive us around Saturday, and to back up it's like I'm mad he wants to go to the event for DDS Saturday. I think it's me getting selfish like, I want to enjoy him all for me or something before he goes. What the FUCK is going on in my head these days? Normally I take pride in my attitude, and I can't say that I feel that way right now. At all.
Another thing is, this one has been building up for awhile I think:
One day it occurred to me and I don't remember what the pivotal point of action was, but I one day asked myself is my boyfriend cheap? I always thought no, because he seems to be a giving person; I remember seeing he donated money to this girl's production for her capstone project, and I don't know I guess when you're in love you really just see the good things. Not to say I am not in love with him anymore because I totally am; but - it's like one day I think after paying for myself when we did things together in one period of time OH I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!!! We were going to eat at Green I believe, and he asked me what I was ordering and I told him. He proceeded to order and then paid for himself, and then I had to go next. It threw me off a little bit but not enough to notice a change in behavior. Like if you're asking your girlfriend to lunch, you fucking pay for her. Sorry if that's harsh.
So, a couple more instances happened like this, and I finally asked one of my girlfriends to answer me honestly. Because at this point, I didn't know if I had just been "spoiled" by seeing how my dad is with literally everyone and anyone (and him & my mom reminiscing on the old days when he was poor but still spent every penny he made on her almost just to take her out), and also the past two guys I've dated were so old fashioned like that. I never paid for dinner or anything with them. Tyler was like, annoyingly generous. It used to cause fights... like he wouldn't want to go out if he couldn't afford to pay. That's a little excessive. But it's just weird being with someone that rarely ever takes me out. It's like, an amazing shock when he does these cute thinking of me moments like buying me kombucha when I didn't even ask for it - his "cheap" behavior is not a reflection of his heart; he is such a kind hearted person and I think it's just one of those qualities I'll have to get used to (which honestly every girl will probably admit isn't their favorite haha).
Back to my story. I ended up asking one of my girlfriends if my boyfriend was cheap because I simply didn't know. She laughed out loud and said WITHOUT hesitation, "Yes!"
Has it been that obvious?? So now, we have this ongoing joke which may be mean, but every time him and I do something and I pay (which is more frequent than not btw) I text her and she gets a big kick out of it.
Continuing with the cheap thing; he hasn't had to pay for rent in so long, and it really upset me that I had to pay for my own ticket to DC when he invited me to a wedding. He said he couldn't pay for it but he could buy us a room. Does he realize I am a teacher, and I make less than $15k a year?? With that income, I paid for his plane ticket to Chicago, my family bought ALL of his meals, and I provided a hotel. Without a doubt he probably makes at least triple what I do, no rent costs, and he can't afford to pay for his girlfriend's plane ticket to a wedding HE invited ME to? It is just absolute bs to me. I thought I may have been sounding like a spoiled brat, so I had to consult my best friend and she reminded me that I literally do not think about money when it comes to him - which I don't. I just don't put a price tag on him, because I love him so much. Not like you buy love, but because I love him I literally don't care what I have to pay in order to make him happy/be with him. And I struggle with trying to separate what someone is willing/how often someone is willing to spend on you with just their overall love for you. So I need to divide the two and tell myself that just because he isn't as "generous" towards me as I am towards him, it doesn't reflect on how much he cares about me. Right?????
Again with the kind heart - he gave me ----Yes, gave me, the remaining of his dance lessons ($300). I was shocked. This is what shows me how kind hearted he is. I couldn't believe it. That is fucking generous I would say. I was surprised that he didn't ask me to buy at least 1/2 of the cost or something. Absolutely shocked. I mean this is from the guy that didn't buy my bialy & smoothie ~ $7 during lunch one day.
Writing this all out makes me sound ungrateful, but I am only human. I think a lot of my qualities are not like other girls, but I think most girls or people in general are similar in the sense that they like to feel loved. I feel loved when I get to spend quality time with a person, and like any girl, I like to be appreciated through actions, and things together. For me one of the ways I show someone I care is by cooking/baking for them, buying little things here and there -just because I thought of them. But not everyone loves the same way.
---
On Tuesday, I spoke with one of the mothers of my students after his piano lesson, and it came on topic that my boyfriend was moving to Colorado. She seemed lightly concerned and since we aren't close by any stretch, she was delicate about it an I said I was definitely sad, but I am excited for him at the same time in a way. She proceeded to tell me most of the relationship pre-marriage with her husband was long distance. She made me feel so much better about doing long distance. She was so positive! She was saying how with all the technology and cheaper flight tickets than say 10-15 years ago, it's a lot easier to do long distance. Facetime is a thing now. Back then it was phone calls as a primary communication. I remember when him and I weren't even together last summer, he wrote me one letter. ONE. I waited all summer for him, imagining what it could be like when he got back. Things eventually got moving but that was hard, not talking for 3 months. I am going to try and budget to visit him 2 times/month. at least. Is that too much?
Jesus this post is long. I've had a lot on my mind lately.
Summary, I love my boyfriend. So much. Struggling to separate what you spend on a person being a measurement of how much you care. I may be depressed again. I am not enjoying school right now. I want to dance my ass off.
I am weirdly negative. Weird, negative mood. It started with seeing this couple at DDS after class dance. They practice and they're getting good. I guess I got oddly jealous of this couple who used to not be that good, because I'm not practicing like that anymore. I am doing half ass practicing with my boyfriend because I don't want us to just spend our time practicing before he leaves, and then half ass practicing Latin with someone else and not doing a lot with him because I'm dividing my half-assed time to both.
On top of that, it is like my lack of motivation is leaking everywhere. What is wrong with me? Am I getting depressed again? I think I am. Why am I not motivated to do anything anymore? Even teaching is a drag to me. I think I'll start exercising soon. I have to. I need to find a way to feel good about myself.
The other day, I wrote this to bf:
i feel like ever since you decided that you wanted to stay together, you’ve been in better spirits which is a relief. you’re really excited to leave. and it feels like that excitement has made leaving easier for you and anything to do with me one less thing to worry about. I’m definitely better than I was when you first told me you were going for sure, but it's still hard. I don’t know when that switch will be, when you are gushing about moving and all the excitement, and I will be able to be jumping up and down right next to you. Maybe it’ll never happen but I hope for your sake and mine it does change. I do know I'll be jumping up and down in the airport when I'm waiting for my flight to see you though like an idiot. This is not saying I am genuinely not happy for you because I am. People are shocked when I say that I never once told you to stay. I still feel that way. If you stayed here only because you didn’t want to leave me, that means a lot - but I would honestly make you leave haha.
Before you had officially decided to stay together you would miss me after just being around me, or take me out. or just enjoy it for “the time we have left”. Anything tends to be more spirited I suppose when you think it’s going to end. I guarantee in my last stretch of violin lessons I’ll probably kick ass more than I ever did all year, but that’s beside the real point. While that part was a shitty feeling, it also brought out this part of you that i didn’t know was there. it was so different to the point where I had to take a step back and realize this was still the same person. and now I’m already feeling like we are going to be dancing a lot more (actually really great, it’s what I wanted the whole time). but I didn’t want my last few weeks of you living here to be like that, and maybe I’m looking at it all wrong like any time spent is what matters most. that’s why I don’t really want to talk about it because I feel dumb and and it’ll get easier with time as things always do. I should be thankful that it is even better than it was ever before.
so it’s like bittersweet because good things are still happening but not I guess at the same time. I love dancing and especially with you (and well) more than anyone else. Dancing with other people has really been an eye opener and it reminded me why when I finally started dancing with you it made me love dancing so much more. I will definitely keep dancing of course, but I would be lying if I said I feel just as fulfilled afterwards without you there or even close. In the future whenever we do get to dance I’ll take it as a huge treat. I really hate being a debbie downer especially now because i just want the last bit of time you have with/without me here to be all positive, not wasted on stupid boys or me having these feelings of being needy and sad when i should be that happy girlfriend you actually enjoy being around. and with me at least, negativity just pulls me further away from a person and annoys me (as it has in the past not with you) but i really do put up a front a lot of the time. And when I have to say goodbye to you even if it’s after a dance practice it’s like a reminder to me in the moment that i have to do that pretty soon and it will suck so it’s like instant mood change almost every timeUgh. Just reading it over again makes me mad. Why am I so negative and whiny???
Then, as I'm grocery shopping, we are starting to text about suggestive things, and during that conversation he totally deviates and asks if one of my friends dislikes him because it's been on his mind. Literally mid conversation of the other one. That annoyed me, so I was cold the rest of the night and it is all so dumb. THEN THEN. Seriously, another then. Then, I see he RSVP'd to an event this Saturday morning to help teach dance. I KNOW I am going to have to drive him since we'll be doing a lesson with Larry. So I'll have to drive us around Saturday, and to back up it's like I'm mad he wants to go to the event for DDS Saturday. I think it's me getting selfish like, I want to enjoy him all for me or something before he goes. What the FUCK is going on in my head these days? Normally I take pride in my attitude, and I can't say that I feel that way right now. At all.
Another thing is, this one has been building up for awhile I think:
One day it occurred to me and I don't remember what the pivotal point of action was, but I one day asked myself is my boyfriend cheap? I always thought no, because he seems to be a giving person; I remember seeing he donated money to this girl's production for her capstone project, and I don't know I guess when you're in love you really just see the good things. Not to say I am not in love with him anymore because I totally am; but - it's like one day I think after paying for myself when we did things together in one period of time OH I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!!! We were going to eat at Green I believe, and he asked me what I was ordering and I told him. He proceeded to order and then paid for himself, and then I had to go next. It threw me off a little bit but not enough to notice a change in behavior. Like if you're asking your girlfriend to lunch, you fucking pay for her. Sorry if that's harsh.
So, a couple more instances happened like this, and I finally asked one of my girlfriends to answer me honestly. Because at this point, I didn't know if I had just been "spoiled" by seeing how my dad is with literally everyone and anyone (and him & my mom reminiscing on the old days when he was poor but still spent every penny he made on her almost just to take her out), and also the past two guys I've dated were so old fashioned like that. I never paid for dinner or anything with them. Tyler was like, annoyingly generous. It used to cause fights... like he wouldn't want to go out if he couldn't afford to pay. That's a little excessive. But it's just weird being with someone that rarely ever takes me out. It's like, an amazing shock when he does these cute thinking of me moments like buying me kombucha when I didn't even ask for it - his "cheap" behavior is not a reflection of his heart; he is such a kind hearted person and I think it's just one of those qualities I'll have to get used to (which honestly every girl will probably admit isn't their favorite haha).
Back to my story. I ended up asking one of my girlfriends if my boyfriend was cheap because I simply didn't know. She laughed out loud and said WITHOUT hesitation, "Yes!"
Has it been that obvious?? So now, we have this ongoing joke which may be mean, but every time him and I do something and I pay (which is more frequent than not btw) I text her and she gets a big kick out of it.
Continuing with the cheap thing; he hasn't had to pay for rent in so long, and it really upset me that I had to pay for my own ticket to DC when he invited me to a wedding. He said he couldn't pay for it but he could buy us a room. Does he realize I am a teacher, and I make less than $15k a year?? With that income, I paid for his plane ticket to Chicago, my family bought ALL of his meals, and I provided a hotel. Without a doubt he probably makes at least triple what I do, no rent costs, and he can't afford to pay for his girlfriend's plane ticket to a wedding HE invited ME to? It is just absolute bs to me. I thought I may have been sounding like a spoiled brat, so I had to consult my best friend and she reminded me that I literally do not think about money when it comes to him - which I don't. I just don't put a price tag on him, because I love him so much. Not like you buy love, but because I love him I literally don't care what I have to pay in order to make him happy/be with him. And I struggle with trying to separate what someone is willing/how often someone is willing to spend on you with just their overall love for you. So I need to divide the two and tell myself that just because he isn't as "generous" towards me as I am towards him, it doesn't reflect on how much he cares about me. Right?????
Again with the kind heart - he gave me ----Yes, gave me, the remaining of his dance lessons ($300). I was shocked. This is what shows me how kind hearted he is. I couldn't believe it. That is fucking generous I would say. I was surprised that he didn't ask me to buy at least 1/2 of the cost or something. Absolutely shocked. I mean this is from the guy that didn't buy my bialy & smoothie ~ $7 during lunch one day.
Writing this all out makes me sound ungrateful, but I am only human. I think a lot of my qualities are not like other girls, but I think most girls or people in general are similar in the sense that they like to feel loved. I feel loved when I get to spend quality time with a person, and like any girl, I like to be appreciated through actions, and things together. For me one of the ways I show someone I care is by cooking/baking for them, buying little things here and there -just because I thought of them. But not everyone loves the same way.
---
On Tuesday, I spoke with one of the mothers of my students after his piano lesson, and it came on topic that my boyfriend was moving to Colorado. She seemed lightly concerned and since we aren't close by any stretch, she was delicate about it an I said I was definitely sad, but I am excited for him at the same time in a way. She proceeded to tell me most of the relationship pre-marriage with her husband was long distance. She made me feel so much better about doing long distance. She was so positive! She was saying how with all the technology and cheaper flight tickets than say 10-15 years ago, it's a lot easier to do long distance. Facetime is a thing now. Back then it was phone calls as a primary communication. I remember when him and I weren't even together last summer, he wrote me one letter. ONE. I waited all summer for him, imagining what it could be like when he got back. Things eventually got moving but that was hard, not talking for 3 months. I am going to try and budget to visit him 2 times/month. at least. Is that too much?
Jesus this post is long. I've had a lot on my mind lately.
Summary, I love my boyfriend. So much. Struggling to separate what you spend on a person being a measurement of how much you care. I may be depressed again. I am not enjoying school right now. I want to dance my ass off.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
5776
When I think about what my life was like before college, I giggle to myself. There was so much yet to learn, and I still feel this way. If there was that much I learned in 5 years, imagine what my whole life will be like, when I look back on life when I'm hopefully really really old (I hope I make it to be a really old lady. I think I would be a cute old lady, seriously). ((tailing on that parentheses, I will probably also be that really old lady that says hilariously flirtatious things to cute young 20-something-year- old boys and get away with it because a) I'll be adorable and b) I won't give a shit.))
The past week has been really weird. I've never felt so mutually in sync with G, ever. I don't know what happened. When I try and peg a certain time, it makes me cry remembering how I felt with him before June. I remember the night after the drag pageant, we talked in my car for almost two hours, and while I feel kind of like an idiot for saying, "I think you've fallen out of love with me" - because it turns out he wasn't even there to begin with --- but that's another thread. This conversation sparked something in him; I don't know what I said or what did it. What ever it was brought back my boyfriend. Something slapped him in the face like "Hey! Remember this girl!!! She has liked you this whole time, she is giving you the go if you want! But don't! Not yet!" haha.
After that night, I didn't feel like he was just with me to be with me. It was like he wanted to. He'd reach out to me, see how I was doing, and when we were together, I didn't feel pressured. All along I found out that he has felt a lot of pressure throughout our relationship, but I did too.
The other day, we brought up being there for each other, for all the special event stuff, concerts, races. Me concerts, him races obviously haha. It was because I accidentally missed his soccer game that morning, and I literally never miss anything he does. Not because I feel forced or obliged to go because I'm the girlfriend, I want to support him in any way I can. I enjoy seeing him do stuff that makes him happy. I find myself laughing or giggling just watching him laugh and smile with his friends on the field during a soccer game, or feeling so proud when I see him for the 10 seconds he passes by me during a race. Or crying when he gets to the finish line (Iron Man - seriously I was like tearing and I was next to his best friends so I was trying my best to hide it.. embarrassing lol).
Anyway, he said he would use this time against me (as a joke) and I responded, "I would totally win that game don't go there" which prompted this whole talk about what he missed, and why I never told him.
That's the thing... I did. I told him weeks, maybe months in advance for things. Every time I would bring things up to him with me, pre-I'm-in-love-with-my-girlfriend, I never seemed like something he would was interested in, like in the way I was with him. He would be blase about it like "Oh I'll see if I can go" or just.. not really into it. Into me. He never really showed me that I was a priority to him. This used to be a basis of our arguments earlier on around February, I was always complaining that I didn't want to treat someone like a priority when all I am to them is an option. I didn't want to talk anyone into seeing me or supporting me, it should just be done. I literally watched him put the date in his phone (or at least I thought he was doing that when he pulled up his calendar and said that's what he was going to do lol). He had told me he was going to visit Colorado at some point during camp, which was a great idea. But then he knew my concert was happening. It hurt that he didn't come, or really make it a priority to try and be there. I mean, it's a big fucking deal btw to be a concertmaster. You're the best in the orchestra. He's probably never going to see me do that, because I don't know when I'll do it again.
My friends drove from Phoenix and surprised me at the concert, sending me snapchats of the concert- I didn't know they were there until intermission when I checked my phone and got pictures OF me. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy I almost cried. What makes it worse is that the two guys are; one of them may like me, and the other made a pass at me a couple times. But they were there. They showed their support. They are, in no stretch of the imagination, musicians. And they drove up just to see me play classical music for 2 hours. My friend Ali came with me the entire weekend, and we had a blast. We met a couple guys the night before and I was such a good wingman haha. One guy kissed my cheek that night, it was so weird. I remember feeling like OH MY GOD DID I JUST CHEAT even though I didn't even see it coming. I gave him a handshake after that. I really do NOT handle myself very well in situations like that haha.
Jesus I went off on a tangent! BACK TO STORY-----
So bf and I are talking about it all, and then he said something like that I never tell him about anything, and I should've reminded him or told him. I DID! I don't want to have to egg you on to support me. He only has to tell me once about things, and then it sticks. And then when I know that there is something happening and I don't remember exactly when, I make sure that all my duckies are in a row before planning. I always take him into consideration because he's a priority. Granted, I think that if this was to happen now - where we are now, it would be totally different. He would probably highlight, post it, phone reminder, because I genuinely feel like a priority to him now. The other night I was crying, and he was going to drive over to me at 3 in the morning just to be with me and make me feel better, even though he had that soccer game (that I missed) the next morning. That to me meant more than anything tangible I could ever get. Okay not always, he did get me this necklace and I wear it every day. I freaking love it. It's like a reminder to me every day that I am his and only his...even if I did receive this when that loving feeling wasn't mutual lol.
The things he has really wanted to do, he always asks about. I remember my recital coming up, he asked me like 7 times. I never "reminded" him of my things or never have because I figure if he really wants to go, he will go and inquire more. So I tell him about it, give the date, and he'll go if I'm important. Since I didn't feel prioritized in his life, I never pushed anything that came to my life because I figured it didn't matter to him much anyway. Does this make sense? Why am I asking that question?? No one reads this. I guess it just makes me feel a little better.
So he told me to "let him know more often" or something like that, I and I simply just said "okay" back, instead of the paragraph above which I felt would just be rude to say. But really, what does he expect? How am I supposed to try and include someone in my life when they don't make me feel included in theirs?
I have so, so so much practicing to do it scares me. Bach Chaconne is something I've been wanting to play for years though. When I play it I will probably cry haha.
To get back on track of things, AGAIN.....
I love hearing I love you first. I used to be so scared to even text it to him (I think partially because I knew he didn't feel exactly the same way back), and now I don't even have to say it first. We say it when we want, he says it to me and it never gets old hearing it. Ever. He could have just said it and I could hear it 5 seconds later, still get warm fuzzies just as much.
It's the Jewish New Year, and it is bringing some new feelings of love and growth to this relationship. And I am loving it so far. But I do feel myself not always giving 100%, I know it's because I'm afraid he's going to leave me. I really enjoy myself the majority of the time. And most of the time I am not holding back; usually he is well aware of when I am and does what he can to make me feel comfortable. Which I love.
I took a break from writing which is why this has deviated and probably seems like I lost my groove from earlier (because I did) - I just spent an hour reading ALL of my old blog posts. There are so many in the drafts, too! I didn't post a lot of things, and I still have that file on my computer of random thoughts too. There is so much to go through. Some of it made me cringe haha.
I only saw G last night, and I already miss him. We went through so many emotional highs and lows yesterday; it makes me laugh to think about. Like, EXTREME highs and lows, lefts and rights. Everything. So comical.
Maybe I will continue to write more later if I can get my groove back.
L'Shana Tova!
The past week has been really weird. I've never felt so mutually in sync with G, ever. I don't know what happened. When I try and peg a certain time, it makes me cry remembering how I felt with him before June. I remember the night after the drag pageant, we talked in my car for almost two hours, and while I feel kind of like an idiot for saying, "I think you've fallen out of love with me" - because it turns out he wasn't even there to begin with --- but that's another thread. This conversation sparked something in him; I don't know what I said or what did it. What ever it was brought back my boyfriend. Something slapped him in the face like "Hey! Remember this girl!!! She has liked you this whole time, she is giving you the go if you want! But don't! Not yet!" haha.
After that night, I didn't feel like he was just with me to be with me. It was like he wanted to. He'd reach out to me, see how I was doing, and when we were together, I didn't feel pressured. All along I found out that he has felt a lot of pressure throughout our relationship, but I did too.
The other day, we brought up being there for each other, for all the special event stuff, concerts, races. Me concerts, him races obviously haha. It was because I accidentally missed his soccer game that morning, and I literally never miss anything he does. Not because I feel forced or obliged to go because I'm the girlfriend, I want to support him in any way I can. I enjoy seeing him do stuff that makes him happy. I find myself laughing or giggling just watching him laugh and smile with his friends on the field during a soccer game, or feeling so proud when I see him for the 10 seconds he passes by me during a race. Or crying when he gets to the finish line (Iron Man - seriously I was like tearing and I was next to his best friends so I was trying my best to hide it.. embarrassing lol).
Anyway, he said he would use this time against me (as a joke) and I responded, "I would totally win that game don't go there" which prompted this whole talk about what he missed, and why I never told him.
That's the thing... I did. I told him weeks, maybe months in advance for things. Every time I would bring things up to him with me, pre-I'm-in-love-with-my-girlfriend, I never seemed like something he would was interested in, like in the way I was with him. He would be blase about it like "Oh I'll see if I can go" or just.. not really into it. Into me. He never really showed me that I was a priority to him. This used to be a basis of our arguments earlier on around February, I was always complaining that I didn't want to treat someone like a priority when all I am to them is an option. I didn't want to talk anyone into seeing me or supporting me, it should just be done. I literally watched him put the date in his phone (or at least I thought he was doing that when he pulled up his calendar and said that's what he was going to do lol). He had told me he was going to visit Colorado at some point during camp, which was a great idea. But then he knew my concert was happening. It hurt that he didn't come, or really make it a priority to try and be there. I mean, it's a big fucking deal btw to be a concertmaster. You're the best in the orchestra. He's probably never going to see me do that, because I don't know when I'll do it again.
My friends drove from Phoenix and surprised me at the concert, sending me snapchats of the concert- I didn't know they were there until intermission when I checked my phone and got pictures OF me. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy I almost cried. What makes it worse is that the two guys are; one of them may like me, and the other made a pass at me a couple times. But they were there. They showed their support. They are, in no stretch of the imagination, musicians. And they drove up just to see me play classical music for 2 hours. My friend Ali came with me the entire weekend, and we had a blast. We met a couple guys the night before and I was such a good wingman haha. One guy kissed my cheek that night, it was so weird. I remember feeling like OH MY GOD DID I JUST CHEAT even though I didn't even see it coming. I gave him a handshake after that. I really do NOT handle myself very well in situations like that haha.
Jesus I went off on a tangent! BACK TO STORY-----
So bf and I are talking about it all, and then he said something like that I never tell him about anything, and I should've reminded him or told him. I DID! I don't want to have to egg you on to support me. He only has to tell me once about things, and then it sticks. And then when I know that there is something happening and I don't remember exactly when, I make sure that all my duckies are in a row before planning. I always take him into consideration because he's a priority. Granted, I think that if this was to happen now - where we are now, it would be totally different. He would probably highlight, post it, phone reminder, because I genuinely feel like a priority to him now. The other night I was crying, and he was going to drive over to me at 3 in the morning just to be with me and make me feel better, even though he had that soccer game (that I missed) the next morning. That to me meant more than anything tangible I could ever get. Okay not always, he did get me this necklace and I wear it every day. I freaking love it. It's like a reminder to me every day that I am his and only his...even if I did receive this when that loving feeling wasn't mutual lol.
The things he has really wanted to do, he always asks about. I remember my recital coming up, he asked me like 7 times. I never "reminded" him of my things or never have because I figure if he really wants to go, he will go and inquire more. So I tell him about it, give the date, and he'll go if I'm important. Since I didn't feel prioritized in his life, I never pushed anything that came to my life because I figured it didn't matter to him much anyway. Does this make sense? Why am I asking that question?? No one reads this. I guess it just makes me feel a little better.
So he told me to "let him know more often" or something like that, I and I simply just said "okay" back, instead of the paragraph above which I felt would just be rude to say. But really, what does he expect? How am I supposed to try and include someone in my life when they don't make me feel included in theirs?
I have so, so so much practicing to do it scares me. Bach Chaconne is something I've been wanting to play for years though. When I play it I will probably cry haha.
To get back on track of things, AGAIN.....
I love hearing I love you first. I used to be so scared to even text it to him (I think partially because I knew he didn't feel exactly the same way back), and now I don't even have to say it first. We say it when we want, he says it to me and it never gets old hearing it. Ever. He could have just said it and I could hear it 5 seconds later, still get warm fuzzies just as much.
It's the Jewish New Year, and it is bringing some new feelings of love and growth to this relationship. And I am loving it so far. But I do feel myself not always giving 100%, I know it's because I'm afraid he's going to leave me. I really enjoy myself the majority of the time. And most of the time I am not holding back; usually he is well aware of when I am and does what he can to make me feel comfortable. Which I love.
I took a break from writing which is why this has deviated and probably seems like I lost my groove from earlier (because I did) - I just spent an hour reading ALL of my old blog posts. There are so many in the drafts, too! I didn't post a lot of things, and I still have that file on my computer of random thoughts too. There is so much to go through. Some of it made me cringe haha.
I only saw G last night, and I already miss him. We went through so many emotional highs and lows yesterday; it makes me laugh to think about. Like, EXTREME highs and lows, lefts and rights. Everything. So comical.
Maybe I will continue to write more later if I can get my groove back.
L'Shana Tova!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
The moment we've been waiting for
I feel so loved. I haven't felt this really ever. Which makes it difficult. Why does he have to go away when it's all falling into place (more so)? He tells me openly that he loves me. Even though it hurt so bad hearing that somehow me being submissive for most of the relationship bit me in the ass, our relationship just keeps getting better. He misses me, he loves me. He cares.
These were all things I used to "complain" about not feeling. why can't he love me like I love him or whatever, which definitely seems so silly to write down. But I remember thinking this. That's what pissed me off though; when he told me a few weeks back that he never felt like he was going to lose me or felt like we were growing together --- or he never felt the same way about me. Those things hurt to hear. Just because I liked him more than he liked me I feel does not say there wasn't growth. Just because he didn't fall in love with me the way he expected shouldn't change what's happening now. Which actually he said. But when he was telling me, it was coming off like he was complaining about it like there has always been this disconnect with us, and then said "But it doesn't matter anymore I'm telling you this because I feel so comfortable now and because I love you". Didn't matter, it still hurt and I still cried. I think a part of me is still not over hearing all that. I tried so hard to make him feel at ease with me all the time, and tried to back off to see if he'd come to me. It turns out he never did "come around" until recent, which led me to think WHY has he been with me this whole time if he has been obviously feeling a different way?? I felt cheated, led on. Betrayed. It definitely explained the times when I'd get pissed about saying "I love you" in a text and then him responding with a "< 3 "
So back to the wedding. First off, I don't know what it is but seeing him in a kippa is so hot. Lol. Like I give him googly eyes constantly. He just melts me.
We danced like crazy, and the hora was so freakin fun. I also danced with his cousin David; one memory that is my favorite of that evening is him and bf passing me between each other sharing me as a dance partner. Such a blast. I found out later that we had a crowd. Usually in those situations I don't actually notice when there's a crowd. It's like my violin, I tune it out to focus more. Dancing is a little more of an extroverted hobby for me, I am definitely more showy with it- maybe because I'm more confident with it. I could feel people watching but I didn't know it was a lot.
Gosh. Just the night before the wedding was amazing. He was holding me, kissing me while I slept, telling me he loved me. It's like the moment I had been waiting for, for so long. I remember wanting to smile; not sure if I did because I was so tired, but I felt it. I remember feeling like wow, this is amazing. I'm falling asleep next to the person I am crazy in love with, and I actually think he feels the same way.
The moment we've been waiting for, people. Finally. And now you're tellin' me that I may have to let him go in a few months? I will literally save all my money just to visit him as much as I can if/when he moves.
Is it creepy that when I was watching his cousin get married, that I imagined him and I in the chuppah, doing the whole ritual? I really do think I am the creepiest person sometimes. It's not like I think he's my soul mate, but I do think it's normal to picture yourself long term with the person you love. I wonder if he's done that with me lol. I kind of hope so, so I can feel a little more validated about this haha.
Continuing with what I was saying earlier, I feel like after finding out how not on the same page we were for most of the relationship stung, and I'm still recovering. It's like he's strangely getting what he always wanted in the beginning. Like I am apprehensive with him, starting to protect myself and not just be 100% all in, his call all the time. I've shelled myself since that talk, and it sucks but I can't change it. I wonder when I will feel totally comfortable again. I'm not sure I will for awhile considering I can't even get a solid commitment from him with the whole November thing.
These were all things I used to "complain" about not feeling. why can't he love me like I love him or whatever, which definitely seems so silly to write down. But I remember thinking this. That's what pissed me off though; when he told me a few weeks back that he never felt like he was going to lose me or felt like we were growing together --- or he never felt the same way about me. Those things hurt to hear. Just because I liked him more than he liked me I feel does not say there wasn't growth. Just because he didn't fall in love with me the way he expected shouldn't change what's happening now. Which actually he said. But when he was telling me, it was coming off like he was complaining about it like there has always been this disconnect with us, and then said "But it doesn't matter anymore I'm telling you this because I feel so comfortable now and because I love you". Didn't matter, it still hurt and I still cried. I think a part of me is still not over hearing all that. I tried so hard to make him feel at ease with me all the time, and tried to back off to see if he'd come to me. It turns out he never did "come around" until recent, which led me to think WHY has he been with me this whole time if he has been obviously feeling a different way?? I felt cheated, led on. Betrayed. It definitely explained the times when I'd get pissed about saying "I love you" in a text and then him responding with a "< 3 "
So back to the wedding. First off, I don't know what it is but seeing him in a kippa is so hot. Lol. Like I give him googly eyes constantly. He just melts me.
We danced like crazy, and the hora was so freakin fun. I also danced with his cousin David; one memory that is my favorite of that evening is him and bf passing me between each other sharing me as a dance partner. Such a blast. I found out later that we had a crowd. Usually in those situations I don't actually notice when there's a crowd. It's like my violin, I tune it out to focus more. Dancing is a little more of an extroverted hobby for me, I am definitely more showy with it- maybe because I'm more confident with it. I could feel people watching but I didn't know it was a lot.
Gosh. Just the night before the wedding was amazing. He was holding me, kissing me while I slept, telling me he loved me. It's like the moment I had been waiting for, for so long. I remember wanting to smile; not sure if I did because I was so tired, but I felt it. I remember feeling like wow, this is amazing. I'm falling asleep next to the person I am crazy in love with, and I actually think he feels the same way.
The moment we've been waiting for, people. Finally. And now you're tellin' me that I may have to let him go in a few months? I will literally save all my money just to visit him as much as I can if/when he moves.
Is it creepy that when I was watching his cousin get married, that I imagined him and I in the chuppah, doing the whole ritual? I really do think I am the creepiest person sometimes. It's not like I think he's my soul mate, but I do think it's normal to picture yourself long term with the person you love. I wonder if he's done that with me lol. I kind of hope so, so I can feel a little more validated about this haha.
Continuing with what I was saying earlier, I feel like after finding out how not on the same page we were for most of the relationship stung, and I'm still recovering. It's like he's strangely getting what he always wanted in the beginning. Like I am apprehensive with him, starting to protect myself and not just be 100% all in, his call all the time. I've shelled myself since that talk, and it sucks but I can't change it. I wonder when I will feel totally comfortable again. I'm not sure I will for awhile considering I can't even get a solid commitment from him with the whole November thing.
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