Culture Shock!

So I just went to a different church's youth group.... it was - different. The band was better than most church bands. Now, I am not comparing it to a gospel church band because that simply is not in the same caliber as gospel haha. Well it was definitely different. It was almost like a bible study. I've never really done something like that. There's nothing wrong with it.. there has just always been too many things I question that I am frowned upon for so it is discouraging when nothing I ask is answered, or it's just shoved under the rug. I mean I was thinking, "That's obviously not true." (ahahah) But for the most part, it did what every religion for the most part tries to do: promote the good in everyone. It did. It inspired me to be better, and react better in situations. For instance, if I see someone I dislike, be nice for a change. Do the exact opposite of what I would probably normally do. It was an inspirational thing to hear, and I think I needed to hear it.

Can't wait for tomorrow for my friend to accompany me and get me ready for Germany.. Yikes. Time for like a 4 hour cram practice session...

Your Reaction?

I have just recently added this option on my blog - reactions. It is located at the end of each blog post, and it's basically self explanatory. After you read that blog post, click which best fits the mood or what you got out of the blog post. I'm doing this off the top of my head, but I'm pretty sure there are 4 different moods. You don't have to or anything; it'd just be cool for me at least to see what the readers reaction is when they read my blog posts!

xox Goodnight!

Silly lil' Lady!

I have been extremely lazy today, and a little silly, too. I started to organize what I was going to bring to my trip to Germany next month, and I needed to bring some nice dresses. I started trying on some of my old gowns that I had, and then next thing I know, as always, I got distracted on my computer and then ended up wearing one of my dresses for over an hour! haha. It felt nice though. I felt.. Royal. It made my best friend Eydn laugh; good to know I can still make people laugh haha.






Well, that's my day. Boring, but at least I know I still fit in dresses from over a year ago!!!

xox

Gettin' back into it

I haven't been involved in the classical music scene in my town for about a year (because of college), and today I got together with my old teacher George for a violin lesson! I was so excited. He really is my most favorite teacher I've ever had. He is extremely witty, and so smart. I am always learning something new! Like, I never knew Mendelssohn was like Mozart, in the way that they were both musical geniuses at very young ages. I also didn't know that Beethoven was like the "rebel" almost, never wearing a wig in the times where you should be wearing one... i.e, George Washington, Mozart. They wore wigs. But Beethoven didn't...because he didn't want to. What a badass. Beethoven also had this idea of how music should be replicating of somewhat an explosive nature, and it really is. I could go on and on using musical terms but this would be more boring of a blog than it normally is, so I won't.

He helped me with my music excerpts for next year's orchestra audition, and then I just got back tonight from a string quartet rehearsal at his house. It was pretty bad. I didn't realize how terrible I got at sightreading. George told me to play the first violin part on a piece, and I did HORRENDOUS!! I'm actually embarrassed how bad I did! He was trying to make me feel better about it, but I know I did so, so bad. You know when you feel absolutely prepared for something, but then once you get there one thing can throw you off and then you are in some weird limbo of confusion/anger? That's where I was during this Mendelssohn quartet. It was so difficult (rhythmically), and then had these jumps (referring to like a low c to a high F.). It was just too much for my small brain, hahaha. I felt bad, because we had to keep stopping. I mean, it wasn't always me but I probably caused someone else to get off. I didn't do very well, I'm kindof disappointed in myself. So I'm just going to practice that music like crazy till I'm solid & ready to go. I don't think we're playing it for anything, but hey. it's still fun. Just to get quartet experience. Since that's what I'm going to be doing in Germany for a little bit I'm sure.

The Dilemma brings up a thought in my head. Just recently, I know a family that the parents are going through the divorce. One of the kids doesn't even blame his dad for it (The dad cheated)... I don't care whatever the circumstances are... It's just an absolute no. Nothing excuses it. Well hey, I guess like father like son. Or even like mother, like daughter. I sure as heck see resemblances in my sister's and my mom's personalities! (They're not cheaters or anything. I'm just saying they have many similarities in personality). People that cheat on people make me sad. I know why they do it though. I tried to put myself in their situation, to completely understand why they would. All I could come up with is that they are missing something in their current relationship that they desperately feel need of. It's not that they don't like the person they're with anymore; maybe they like that feeling of security and permanentness with that person, but they just need something else at that moment. I don't know. I think though that if a person is in that situation, they are absolutely with the wrong person. If you're with the right person, you don't ever feel that way. You don't even feel the need to necessarily look at someone else, if it may be that extreme.

God, what a rant.

I asked my teacher if I should even bother applying for the ysa scholarship next year, and he said no. He was completely honest and that's what I love about George. he knows they are just going to pick the person that is without the most money, and it won't be me. I'm not rich or anything, obviously. But we're not poor. And that's what it takes now to get a scholarship... is to not have money. Not if you're talented, but if you're needing money. Good thing.


xox

Rootin tootin

The rodeo dance was last night, and this is an event in Prescott that I think has been going on for a while, but I only started going my Freshman year of high school. Last night's time was by far the most fun I've ever had at this event. Partially because I got a little intoxicated - but it definitely made it truly more fun. I hung out with some old friends, and I was so happy to reconnect with them. I also shared Tyler with some of my friends because I know what it was like to be at the rodeo dance without a date! So I told him to dance with some of my friends. He was hesitant at first, but come on it's not like they're getting married - just a dance! haha.

Today I think my family is finally going to sign the lease papers for my new apartment! :) I'm so excited to room with Courtney next year.

Well, not much has been happening in my life really. I have started practicing hard core though, like I should've been all summer. haha. Oops.


xox

Rest in Peace

Why is it always the nice people that die. Or bad things happen to. Why? I don't understand how some people continue to walk this earth, wreaking havoc; breaking hearts, killing, stealing, manipulating, lying. Just terrible things happening. And then some that do nothing; do nothing to deserve to die, do die. Why would God let bad things happen to people that don't deserve it.

I just don't understand. Is it bad that I have wished death upon someone before? I mean, I may not be so fixated on hating people so much anymore. But it doesn't mean I still don't wish those people a horrible life or an abundance of unhappiness. I know it's mean and I shouldn't, but it doesn't change that I still do. Call me a horrible person, whatever. But I just think the wrong things absolutely happen to the wrong people.

You might say, Well what deems you the person to say that they wrongfully died? OR that that person deserves pain?

I guess I can't say anything and only God can do something like that.


Death just confuses me sometimes, and leaves me wondering when my time will come. Even though I'm not afraid of it, just the randomness of it makes me wonder if I'll even live to see 35. I haven't done anything wrong or deserving of pain or unhappiness (not like I feel there are alot that actual do deserve it. I'm not THAT bad of a person).. It's just so random that it makes you wonder if you'll ever make it to when you want to.

Another death of someone I know/knew is a wake up call for me. I don't want to take anything for granted, or think "Eh, I'll talk to them in a couple days." or, "I'll catch up with them sometime soon." What the hell do you have to lose? What could be so important that you have to hold off? You don't know if that person going to be around. You just don't. So I think I'm going to really try hard to put myself in a different mind set especially when angry and think to myself, and even if it's depressing, "Don't take them for granted. Love while you still can. Talk to them without holding back, don't let grudges get in the way of action. Don't let what happened hold you back from what happens next." I just can't anymore. I can't keep taking so many things for granted. When people are suddenly dying out of nowhere, it gets you thinking. I never want to have a friend, or someone close die and all I can think of is, "I wish I could've.....". I never want to think that. I never want to wish I could say this, or could have done that. I don't want anyone else to do that to me either. I want to be able to say if someone passes that, I affected their life for the better. They're in a better place now. And that's it. I want others to feel the same way when I die. That's all I want to think. I don't want to think that there were so many things I didn't get to say, or do.
That can take a toll on someone, especially an obsessive, compulsive mind like mine. You couldn't imagine (or maybe you could) the kind of things I obsess about, and you wouldn't believe for how long. It eats my insides up. It tears my soul, to put it dramatically. It takes over my personality, and my life revolves around it. And something so unimportant as a stupid bitch gets into my head?! I cannot simply imagine what would happen if someone super close to me suddenly left. Just like Alec. I felt so bad that I couldn't have one last heart to heart before he died. Him and I were close the first couple years of high school, but by our Senior year, it was just passing by in the hallways saying hi. That's why I think if you know it's your time, it is your time. Maybe a couple days before he died, I saw him in the same place before third hour as I did every day, and that one particular day, he stopped me and instead of just saying hi, he gave me a big, bear Alec hug. He asked how I was, and that he missed seeing me every day for class. Maybe that's dumb to think he knew, but I'll never forget that. So maybe all I wish I could do is just say thank you. Thank you for noticing me, especially on the days that I felt invisible.


Don't let anything stop you from doing someone or seeing someone, because you never know when it could be your last talk with them. Or their last talk with you. To make this not so depressing.... I'm going to try not to let small things upset me.


Well, live your life. Live it the way you want, and hug people. Hug them. Just to do it. Get yourself out of bed and work out and take a run, eat healthier. Make yourself feel better about yourself. And to be honest, I really should be taking my own advice.
I think that's it. RIP Riley - for all those nonbelievers, he could be in a better place. Don't just think about him underground and staying there. He could be in a place called heaven.

Melissa & Tiffany Reunion

It had been a year since i had seen one of my closest friends, MELISSA!! I decided that I would go and see her because she was working all summer in Phoenix, and I was stuck in Prescott. Last week, I stayed with her for the whole week just about! After getting back from Mexico, my mom dropped me right off at Melissa's. We went shopping, tanned, swam, ATE, danced. It was so fun. And I really needed it. I needed to get out! I will include some pictures later in this post.

I have said previously I think that if it weren't for my friend Maddie, I wouldn't be as happy as i am right now, and be in the great relationship that I'm in right now. Well, if it weren't for mine and Melissa's reality show conversation one on one poolside my last night with her in Phoenix, my self esteem /other aspects of myself and relationships with others probably wouldn't have changed, and been on the road to recovery and getting better. Melissa is a psych major, and it is paying off. Haha. She might've used her own conventional ways - ahem, slapping me silly, literally. But it worked. I cried, and I vented. And she listened. Like a great friend does. She wasn't just a friend that day though, she was an unbiased party which is what I needed. Of course she didn't completely grill me the whole time; there were a few things that she actually agreed with me on and thought was "dumb" or "stupid" as I did. But uh, let me tell you there were quite a few things that she did grill me on. One being, trying to tell me there's no reason why a girl should feel insecure about themselves, and especially over someone else that doesn't compare, and isn't even worth wasting breath over. The way she put it was a way I needed to hear it. Strangely enough, when she said anything I wasn't upset. I cried, but it was more of embarassment and ..well. being ashamed; she put me in my place. I wish my boyfriend were there too, because I feel like she needed to slap him silly on a few things too. Only a few, though. It's mostly me. But hey, I'm working on it. and I can say without lying that I am already feeling better. It's hard, not to revert to my old mindset of going about *things*. It's hard. But I am getting better. It won't change overnight, but I'm working on it, and I haven't said anything to my boyfriend that "Rhymes with whipped cream", as Melissa said, haha. I do feel shitty sometimes, for the way I react about things. I mean I have reasons, but so does everyone. It was nice to talk to someone about it that wasn't just gonna tell me like, "Oh, you're right. She IS ugly." Or, "Yeah. He IS dumb. Why would he even bother?!" But give me a reason behind it. So, to reassure my mind that I'm not completely neurotic, or to assure that I was wrong. It was good. She is a gem. I know that after that week I spent with her and Sierra (her roommate, who I also went to high school with who is an absolute doll), I know her and I will be friends for a long time.. I just know it. She's just that important to me that I wouldn't let it be any other way.

Well. I am watching Sweet Home Alabama right now and damn does this movie hit the spot for heartstrings! Wish I had am an cuddlin' me right now.

Mexico 2011

HELLO! My family made another Summer trip to Mexico, just like last year's. Here are some photos from then:









As you can see in the first (sideways) picture, we encountered HORRENDOUS traffic at the border. My family isn't really into little weekend roadtrips; we're kindof the fly & go type. So we did a memorial day weekend trip, and wow - I don't think my family knew that everyone in Arizona goes to Mexico for Memorial Day! Haha! It was packed! Our hotel was also the hotel to be at for the younger crowd, as well. The radio station 98.3 was at our hotel the whole weekend blasting music by the pool, and it was just a big party. I only drank once the whole weekend, and it was with my mom and sister. Pretty eventful (not really) - and I was the only one tipsy! Haha...

A lot happened this weekend as far as progression. I don't even know if I should go into detail just because this blog really is public; my feelings and anguish is one thing to share about, no big - however, family issues I feel is something that I should probably keep private. So in a nutshell, I got off alot of stuff off my chest that has been built up pretty much all through high school, as well as just over the past couple months or so. Remember I mentioned my parents and their feelings on the revolution of teenagers (including myself)? Well we definitely discussed that. At this point, i am not really sure if it has done my family good. I feel like they are still going to be mad at me or whatever, but I definitely have more deserved freedom. When it comes to my boyfriend though, nothing's really changed. I bet if him and I were to go out when he finally moves back here, they'll still be calling me an hour after I leave asking where I am, what I'm doing, etc. If you've read far back enough, I've mentioned how his family has a reunion every year. Last year they invited me, and I wasn't able to go. Same as this year. I thought that you know, maybe after the *deep* discussion, they might be different and realize that, "hey. she's old enough now to make a decision and hang with who she wants." Nope. I'm not. my parents won't accept that I am smart enough to make decisions...smart decisions.

I'm obviously bitter. So i'm going to write a happier post now.

Mexico, again

Well my family has ventured again to Puerto Penasco (Rocky Point to Americans) for Memorial Day weekend. right now I can actually say i am BORED!

To Update, I am getting a root canal done tomorrow. To explain it short, my previous dentist in Arizona completely screwed up mine and the rest of my family's mouths. Really, though. But hey these dentists here are finding all the faults and they are miracle workers! And hard workers too, amazing!

My sister was especially immature today. I guess really she is just immature overall. Very. She was upset that I wanted to put on lotion to be smooth in the pictures we were going to take on the beach, so she stormed away and goes, "You better not put that stuff on, or else we're not going." Um, seriously? Yup it happened. So I was thinkin SCREW that, I will put on whatever the hell I want to put on. You know? So I did. And she went and got my mom, and I was no longer allowed to be in the pictures. Later though my mom yelled and made me come over to be in pictures. Sooo, to be even more immature, Later when we were looking at pictures by the pool she decided she wanted a picture by the pool. She goes, "take my picture by the pool." I'm thinkin, jeez you could've asked a little nicer so I said, maybe if you're nicer! She flipped a b*tch.. She said she was going to delete all the pictures she took of me. And I thought she was kidding, but today at lunch I took a picture of my mom and her together and I looked through them and she actually did! She deleted the pictures of me. I was so appalled, and I thought she might be a little more mature than that. Oh, well. Yes, that is my 21 year old sister for you...

Today was a pool day. I got extremely bored, too. I can't be at the pool all day, it sucks! That's why I enjoy fake tanning (even if it's bad for you I KNOW!!!) because the results are so much quicker and I hate laying out all day. It's so boring. I'd rather go on a hike, or rock climb or SOMETHING!

Last night I was supposed to go out and party and stuff with my brother and sister, but my sister and I fell asleep too long *napping*.. haha. We were way too pooped from the sun! I'm trying to think what else we've done here... there's been some pretty random conversations going on here in regards with family... Let me see if I can pull up a snippet of what I shared with Tyler in a message :

Gooood mornin. I woke up early and went down to the lobby, and in the process woke up the rest of my family so i do not have as much time as I would've wanted on here. By the way, wish Kyle congrats for me. Sorry I wasn't able to be there for his graduation. I was planning on going to the graduation because, well, for obvious reasons. but then my dad switched the mexico date. WOW. what a day that it's been. I told my brother all the stuff that's been going on in my life while him and i were waiting in the front of the hotel for my dad, mom and sister... how they won't let me and you hang out really and stuff. and then he was going nuts. and then somehow at dinner jason was saying something about the way they're treating me is.. and wouldn't finish his sentences because he couldn't believe what was going on. And something about curfew came up and that literally sent him over the edge and he was like YOU STILL HAVE A CURFEW?!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!!??!?!?!?!?!? and I was even shocked how much this erked him. and my dad was like "Don't look at me, I'm still in Tucson..." (like he isnt' the one texting me at 10 asking where I am) and my mom didn't even say anything. It really helps to know that I'm not just one of those kids that is like, "MY PARENTS ARE SO MUCH HARDER ON ME AND DONT LET ME DO ANYTHING!!" - but really the parents do and the person is just a spoiled brat. This, I actually got as assurance that in fact my parents are indeed much harder on me. and the fact that my brother was so appalled - I think it helped. and even I asked my sister in the bathroom something and I told her to admit that mom and dad are harder on me, and she was like "they're hard on me too. i just spent my entire life trying to be the perfect child." and then i was like BUT tell me if you actually notice if theyre harder on me. And my sister FINALLY. finally admitted it! my GOD! I couldn't believe it. That is great fuel now for when I want to go out or something, haha. I don't know what to do anymore. I do feel a little less crazy of a person now than I did a week ago after all of this. My family has been on some crazy topics too on the way down here, and just at dinner and stuff. 

my brother thinks my mom needs therapy too. he thinks our whole fam could use it. i brought up the idea to my parents and I TOLD you they wouldn't care! 

So, that was a bigger "snippet" than I thought. But that is a big update of conversation that happened to be going on here. I am really enjoying my free time as I can, but at the same time I'm stressing out about school next year. I'm not quite sure what I want to do with my life. Heck, I just want to be happy. I want to be happy; I want my family to be happy and accepting of my choices, and I also want to just be HAPPY!. Wanna travel with friends, anyone. I just want to RELAX! Can college be over yet?!

I guess that's it for now, until I can think of something else. OH!!! Yes! I am going to be spending some time with one of my closest friends Melissa soon (SHOUT OUT TO YOU GIRL HEY!!) and I cannot wait. We're gonna have such a good time!

Mini- Dream Interpretation, no. 4

After I went on a run this morning, I came back home and I felt so, so sick. I thought I was going to throw up. I needed to lay down, and rest. So I did, and there are 2 things i remember right before I dozed off - it was like pre-dreaming, but it was still something i want to document since this whole week has been pretty shitty for me.

source: dreammoods.com

Meatballs
To make meatballs in your dream, indicate that a new idea is forming or a new project is taking shape.

Lace
To see lace in your dream, points to your sensuality and femininity. Alternatively, it denotes tradition and old fashioned ideals. Perhaps you are being overly practical in some area of your life.

I think I am being overly traditional. I agree, and that's where my new idea forms. Hey, if someone's dating someone and they can't stop looking at pictures of hot girls saying, "I just couldn't believe I went to high school with this *swimsuit* model" (sorry, Had to asterisk that because I was lead to believe she was into lingerie, but clearly I didn't look hard enough like someone else did.). If people can do that in relationships, then so can I! I am going to live more freely. I will not be "tied down". God, I'm not even married. I should be enjoying life, not acting like a settled down married wife when her "husband" is too busy looking at hotness on the web. Whatever. I'm definitely going to focus on more Me this summer, because I have definitely, lost who I am this past year or so. Writing is helping me right now. I think (or would like to think) I will be okay. Summer will be good for me. Food will be. Exercise. Fun. Life. Ah.

xox