Also....I hate that I tend to just blog when I am feeling upset. I know it is really the biggest outlet of relief for me besides music, but god why does everything on here have to be so whiny and complainy all the time.
On a happier note, I think my spark for violin is coming back.
And today a pro-level dancer told me to keep dancing, and he could see me going pro-smooth. Like wow. That was absolutely amazing to hear. It felt really nice for someone completely unbiased to just come up to me and tell me that, genuine with no ulterior motive. There is someone that believes I can do dance. Someone that doesn't know anything about me; they just see my passion for it on the floor and can recognize that it definitely is rough but it can grow to something pretty big.
That was just a cherry on top of my sundae (Sunday heh) for me today.
Today was also the beginner's comp for my dancesport team at school and I got my experience at judging. It was so much fun. This girl that was in my level 1 class a few years back who resurfaced told me today that in the bathroom during comp that she heard girls in the bathroom talking about me, in a good way. These compliments really couldn't have come at a better time. I am glad my hard work is paying off. And I am so thankful to have Gabi as my dance partner. He puts up with so much.
After the comp I hung out with some of the dds boys and it was like, gosh. such a good time. There are some crowds where I just feel like the fucking funniest person on the planet. And I love those crowds... they are confidence boosters haha.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Everything I've Wanted
I'd like to start off my post today by saying that it is amazing the impact another person has on you. Especially if the person means a lot to you. For instance; whenever my mom was upset when I was growing up, it was like everyone else became upset. Your mood rubs off on the people around you, especially if they're very in tune to the way you are/act.
I find myself thinking about my boyfriend, and how literally crazy in love I am with him. I would do anything for him. He thinks it is weird that I always agree with what he wants (which honestly isn't true)- but I am more inclined to say yes to him than anyone else. I don't really get a lot of bf time with him, so if he asks me to do pretty much anything that involves us being together, I usually jump at the opportunity. It's just how I am. And even the act of me having this blog, for what. 6 years now? It is usually centered around my relationships. Even the "smaller" or less serious ones. I think to a year ago around this time, I was blogging like crazy about a guy that I wanted to be in love with so badly. I wanted to love him, because he poured his heart and soul to me. He had this beautiful English accent and a kind heart. He made me feel protected, and wanted. He was so into me, and wanted it to work so badly. I remember the night he told me he was in love with me. It was the night before he was going to leave for England. I remember freaking out in my head saying, "OH MY GOD, PLEASE don't say you're in love with me please please". And he did. It felt so flattering. I said it back, because I knew that maybe one day I could love him the way he feels about me. Because the person that lit a fire in me I didn't know I had, had no interest in me at all.
He wanted me to move to Europe eventually - permanently. Move my whole life there. All on this notion that he was never going to find another girl like me. If I was so special, why couldn't I get the person I truly had feelings for to notice me? I was there, for months before anything happened. Gabi stole my heart in a way no one ever has. He has captivated me with literally every fiber of my being. I haven't been with him nearly a 1/4 of the time that I was with Tyler; but it is just amazing how this guy has changed my life. He not only makes me want to be a better person, but he makes me want to give myself to him, unconditionally. Something that I have never done. So is this why I find myself talking to myself more than I used to, and crying a lot more? Because there is more risk? It's like I have to talk myself through things a lot to make sure it sounds logical or legitimate before telling him. How is it possible to feel like the absolute luckiest girl all the time, but then at the same time feel so scared and anxious? I want everything with him to be perfect because he is perfect for me. He is everything I have ever wanted. It sucks that I am his first real real relationship, because I don't think he really has anything to compare this to. Or maybe we just haven't talked about it. I have gone through my share of frogs oh fuck have I. And it's like, I realize how real this is with him, and I don't want to fuck it up in the slightest. I want it to last, and will do whatever it takes to grow this relationship.
It hurts so bad sometimes. He didn't even seem excited about the thought of going to see me in Hawaii this summer. He is really the only person I would want to come visit me. I have friends that have mentioned in passing that they want to visit me; however he is the person I want to share that experience with. I want to take him to the volcanoes, Hapuna, the Kona strip - Waipi'io Valley. All of it. I want to explore things with him, everything really. And I can't help but feel sometimes like there is an expiration date on this for him. If that is the case, I would rather it just end now. I don't want to keep emotionally investing myself if I feel like every time he feels himself getting close that he is going to pull away so it hurts less when it ends.. That isn't fair to me. And it really scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine my life without him anymore. I am not saying I am looking to get married right now. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I haven't thought about a future with him. That's kind of the only future I want. It is so amazing how sure you can be of something, and be completely in the dark about something else.
When you love someone, you want to scream it off rooftops and just tell them all the time. I could tell him every day and it wouldn't be enough. He's told me three times he loves me; two of those times I was crying. I guess you could say I am feeling a lack of emotional stimulation.
I have all the patience in the world with him. I ask myself all the time why I am putting up with a lot of this, because I know I would never with anyone else. It's because it is him. Anything is worth it if it is for him. I just want that in return.
I find myself thinking about my boyfriend, and how literally crazy in love I am with him. I would do anything for him. He thinks it is weird that I always agree with what he wants (which honestly isn't true)- but I am more inclined to say yes to him than anyone else. I don't really get a lot of bf time with him, so if he asks me to do pretty much anything that involves us being together, I usually jump at the opportunity. It's just how I am. And even the act of me having this blog, for what. 6 years now? It is usually centered around my relationships. Even the "smaller" or less serious ones. I think to a year ago around this time, I was blogging like crazy about a guy that I wanted to be in love with so badly. I wanted to love him, because he poured his heart and soul to me. He had this beautiful English accent and a kind heart. He made me feel protected, and wanted. He was so into me, and wanted it to work so badly. I remember the night he told me he was in love with me. It was the night before he was going to leave for England. I remember freaking out in my head saying, "OH MY GOD, PLEASE don't say you're in love with me please please". And he did. It felt so flattering. I said it back, because I knew that maybe one day I could love him the way he feels about me. Because the person that lit a fire in me I didn't know I had, had no interest in me at all.
He wanted me to move to Europe eventually - permanently. Move my whole life there. All on this notion that he was never going to find another girl like me. If I was so special, why couldn't I get the person I truly had feelings for to notice me? I was there, for months before anything happened. Gabi stole my heart in a way no one ever has. He has captivated me with literally every fiber of my being. I haven't been with him nearly a 1/4 of the time that I was with Tyler; but it is just amazing how this guy has changed my life. He not only makes me want to be a better person, but he makes me want to give myself to him, unconditionally. Something that I have never done. So is this why I find myself talking to myself more than I used to, and crying a lot more? Because there is more risk? It's like I have to talk myself through things a lot to make sure it sounds logical or legitimate before telling him. How is it possible to feel like the absolute luckiest girl all the time, but then at the same time feel so scared and anxious? I want everything with him to be perfect because he is perfect for me. He is everything I have ever wanted. It sucks that I am his first real real relationship, because I don't think he really has anything to compare this to. Or maybe we just haven't talked about it. I have gone through my share of frogs oh fuck have I. And it's like, I realize how real this is with him, and I don't want to fuck it up in the slightest. I want it to last, and will do whatever it takes to grow this relationship.
It hurts so bad sometimes. He didn't even seem excited about the thought of going to see me in Hawaii this summer. He is really the only person I would want to come visit me. I have friends that have mentioned in passing that they want to visit me; however he is the person I want to share that experience with. I want to take him to the volcanoes, Hapuna, the Kona strip - Waipi'io Valley. All of it. I want to explore things with him, everything really. And I can't help but feel sometimes like there is an expiration date on this for him. If that is the case, I would rather it just end now. I don't want to keep emotionally investing myself if I feel like every time he feels himself getting close that he is going to pull away so it hurts less when it ends.. That isn't fair to me. And it really scares the shit out of me. I can't imagine my life without him anymore. I am not saying I am looking to get married right now. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I haven't thought about a future with him. That's kind of the only future I want. It is so amazing how sure you can be of something, and be completely in the dark about something else.
When you love someone, you want to scream it off rooftops and just tell them all the time. I could tell him every day and it wouldn't be enough. He's told me three times he loves me; two of those times I was crying. I guess you could say I am feeling a lack of emotional stimulation.
I have all the patience in the world with him. I ask myself all the time why I am putting up with a lot of this, because I know I would never with anyone else. It's because it is him. Anything is worth it if it is for him. I just want that in return.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
New Love
I just got done hanging out with one of my closest friends and her new boyfriend, we'll call him Rick. My god they are just the cutest couple. I actually got goosebumps watching them two together. It really just sits so well with me. It is such an amazing thing to witness when you see two people on the same close level. I can't really describe it other than it just being this exchange that really is so simple yet this phenomenon you can't stop looking or watching - you just wanna take it in as much as you can. It is better than any romance movie you'll ever watch. Seeing two people connect on that level in such a simple way makes my heart happy. It could be a casual embrace, or exchanged glances. It is so ordinary, but to those two people they are just on their own wavelength and don't even notice the intimacy there is.
All of this is so comforting to see, that maybe one day I can have that. It's frustrating to love a person so much, and not be able to get to that point yet, not even after however many months. I wish I could just take the guard down and be more like a couple. Our relationship goes in waves. Sometimes, I feel like I am floating on Cloud 9. I feel like I never want to be loved by anyone else for as long as I live, other than him (this part of the wave never changes for me). I feel like spending every second with him because when I am next to him, my mind settles and my heart feels at ease. My anxious demeanor begins to fade, and I start to focus on the rooted connection we have built within these months. I get to a point to where I want to start taking my guard down, but then it's like he feels it too and then emotionally closes up. It's difficult because there are so many things I want to tell him. I wish I could tell him how in love I am, and that he really makes me the happiest I have ever been in my life, as cliche as that sounds. It is so true. He's not my first, but the way I love him is so real and so genuine. I don't have this need to make it work because he's a"first love" or because he's all I've ever known and that's what I'm settling for. I have gone through some frogs let me tell you. He in his own way he is still kind of a frog. But it is one frog I think is worth seeing things through with and growing with emotionally, intellectually and just as a couple. I want be able to feel comfortable saying "I love you".
So many things that happen between us make me believe that he does feel it too... that he does feel the same way towards me. But it's like there is that part of uncertainty that is why I get so worried about this all in the first place. That maybe he is never going to fully let his guard down because he's afraid of getting too close to me. The little shiksa that I am. I want to give myself completely to him, and I want reciprocity. That's really what it comes down to... wanting the feeling I am putting out there to be returned. There is no greater feeling than that, and there isn't a greater feeling than that to witness between two other people. Everything about love seems so carefree, yet so complicated at the same time. Which I guess is why it makes it pretty beautiful.
I heard this great quote the other day, about being scared with the whole love thing. And it made smile.
"If it is both terrifying and amazing, then you should pursue it." - Erada
It really just resonates so much in my life. There are times like these when I am so scared of being hurt, that he is just going to break my heart. But then I tell myself one little sentence and it works. He is worth it. I hope someday he realizes that he can use that courage that is in there somewhere to see that yes, this is honestly fucking terrifying. But it is amazing too. And it will be so much more if you let it. I want him to let me in so badly.
We get each other so easily and have this great chemistry. So I know it's there. I just believe that it is completely impossible for feelings this strong to develop for another person when there isn't those feelings being verbally or non-verbally communicated back. It's just impossible. So that's why I know it is in there somewhere, because these feelings I have, haven't just manifested themselves. They've been building from what I have been shown. Mine are just progressing probably quicker and stronger.
I feel loved. I do, most of the time. Truly. It's just nice to hear that you're loved too. When you know, you know. I've known for a long time; it is actually verging on creepy how long I have known.
Hats off to my dear friend and "Rick". They make such a heartwarming pair. I love being around them and it gives me hope that someday I will feel the mutually uninhibited love they do.
All of this is so comforting to see, that maybe one day I can have that. It's frustrating to love a person so much, and not be able to get to that point yet, not even after however many months. I wish I could just take the guard down and be more like a couple. Our relationship goes in waves. Sometimes, I feel like I am floating on Cloud 9. I feel like I never want to be loved by anyone else for as long as I live, other than him (this part of the wave never changes for me). I feel like spending every second with him because when I am next to him, my mind settles and my heart feels at ease. My anxious demeanor begins to fade, and I start to focus on the rooted connection we have built within these months. I get to a point to where I want to start taking my guard down, but then it's like he feels it too and then emotionally closes up. It's difficult because there are so many things I want to tell him. I wish I could tell him how in love I am, and that he really makes me the happiest I have ever been in my life, as cliche as that sounds. It is so true. He's not my first, but the way I love him is so real and so genuine. I don't have this need to make it work because he's a"first love" or because he's all I've ever known and that's what I'm settling for. I have gone through some frogs let me tell you. He in his own way he is still kind of a frog. But it is one frog I think is worth seeing things through with and growing with emotionally, intellectually and just as a couple. I want be able to feel comfortable saying "I love you".
So many things that happen between us make me believe that he does feel it too... that he does feel the same way towards me. But it's like there is that part of uncertainty that is why I get so worried about this all in the first place. That maybe he is never going to fully let his guard down because he's afraid of getting too close to me. The little shiksa that I am. I want to give myself completely to him, and I want reciprocity. That's really what it comes down to... wanting the feeling I am putting out there to be returned. There is no greater feeling than that, and there isn't a greater feeling than that to witness between two other people. Everything about love seems so carefree, yet so complicated at the same time. Which I guess is why it makes it pretty beautiful.
I heard this great quote the other day, about being scared with the whole love thing. And it made smile.
"If it is both terrifying and amazing, then you should pursue it." - Erada
It really just resonates so much in my life. There are times like these when I am so scared of being hurt, that he is just going to break my heart. But then I tell myself one little sentence and it works. He is worth it. I hope someday he realizes that he can use that courage that is in there somewhere to see that yes, this is honestly fucking terrifying. But it is amazing too. And it will be so much more if you let it. I want him to let me in so badly.
We get each other so easily and have this great chemistry. So I know it's there. I just believe that it is completely impossible for feelings this strong to develop for another person when there isn't those feelings being verbally or non-verbally communicated back. It's just impossible. So that's why I know it is in there somewhere, because these feelings I have, haven't just manifested themselves. They've been building from what I have been shown. Mine are just progressing probably quicker and stronger.
I feel loved. I do, most of the time. Truly. It's just nice to hear that you're loved too. When you know, you know. I've known for a long time; it is actually verging on creepy how long I have known.
Hats off to my dear friend and "Rick". They make such a heartwarming pair. I love being around them and it gives me hope that someday I will feel the mutually uninhibited love they do.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Lack of Creativity
I sometimes wonder if I have completely lost my ability to have an imagination. My mind has been under so much stress the past couple months, I don't really remember the last time I dreamed. I used to blog my dreams, in really vivid detail. I used to lucid dream, and that doesn't happen either anymore.
You would think being in love would help a mind be a little freer, more creative if you will. I feel like I kept dreaming these unrealistic things, pre-relationship. It's almost like my reality is better than my dreams now. Fancy that.
You would think being in love would help a mind be a little freer, more creative if you will. I feel like I kept dreaming these unrealistic things, pre-relationship. It's almost like my reality is better than my dreams now. Fancy that.
Friday, January 23, 2015
When Pigs Fly
By golly, I find myself here on this blog over two years later. Okay so I kindof forgot my password and my accounts never linked, and it was just a mess. I was at my boyfriend's house for dinner (oh wow. Yeah this is gonna take awhile to update on everything) and his friend visiting from camp brought up that she wants to start a blog. And then I remembered that I have had this little treasure since 2009. And then deserted it for a few years haha. It's just because I had so many memories tied to it. I have been writing still; just not posting it anywhere. I've been keeping it in a file on my computer, titled "Thoughts". I know, real original. lol.
Well I'm just going to dive right in.
I ended an over four year relationship, and I graduated college. Dance changed my life. Ballroom dance has changed my life. Teaching, violin, dancing.... my hobbies are still the same. I just go about them differently.
I am a teacher now! Like, I have my own classes. I have a job. It's so surreal sometimes when I sit back and think about it. I usually am called "Morah Tiffany" or "Morah [my last name]" - and it's just the cutest thing. Especially coming from a 5 year old.
I went to Europe every summer - went back to InterHarmony, and had some pretty ridiculous memories in Prague beforehand with my friend Clarice. We cringe when we think of it, but laugh too. We were both going through.... transition periods. I decided to start my master's right away, because I know once I get that taste of freedom, I probably won't go back.
My sister moved to New York, my brother just moved to Scottsdale. I have my own apartment, no roommates anymore. Why am I writing this all out? I feel like I should just pick up right where I am now, no need to explain - I am the only one that is reading this (even though the audience used to be public). There's something cool about knowing you can write whatever, it's public, and no one sees it anyway. That changed after a little bit, so I don't know if that will happen to this one. Especially since it has not been updated in a few years. haha.
Anyway, events tonight made me want to resurrect this blog again.
I never thought I would be able to open up again, and I am finally getting to that point again. My family would always joke that with my fascination with Judaism, that they wouldn't be surprised if I end up with a Jewish guy - and I found myself a nice Jewish boy! Haha. Not to make it sound like, so sealed and everything. But it really is just so weird how things work out. I met him four years ago, the first weekend I was at ASU and then never saw him again. I even remember telling Eydn about him, saying "AH gosh I briefly met this cute Jewish boy (even back then I have always had a pretty good Jewdar) and it's too bad I've found the one (speaking about bf at the time)." It's just so so weird. Then, four years later, I am going to my ballroom class and who comes walking through that door? My now boyfriend.
It took months for us to get to the relationship point, I even tried distracting myself with other people, thinking that if it isn't happening now it ain't gonna happen ever. I even started seeing this other guy, and when he confessed his love to me I flew out to Europe to see him. Lol. Wow. It sounds so spontaneous, and that is so not me. So it's about 6 days before I'm leaving to Europe, and boyfriend decides to finally make a move. I couldn't believe it. I was just ecstatic, but pissed at the same time. WHAT changed?!? Why now?? I still ask myself these questions. I wonder what changed, what suddenly made me desirable enough to date and be in a relationship with.
He is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. He makes me laugh like no one else can. When he wants to be, he is so thoughtful and there are those moments where I think we feel the same about each other. Love is a scary thing, and it makes you do things you wouldn't do before. I'm still getting used to being happy again. Even though we don't ever say it, I feel really loved around him. And I am so sure that I am in love with him too. It scares me, and even though I haven't made myself completely vulnerable, when you know - you just know. I know he needs time and ..well. Whatever he needs I seem to just be along for whatever it is, because I want to make it work. But I am just happy to be feeling like this again. It feels right.
And my next post will just sound contradicting to all of this haha.
Well I'm just going to dive right in.
I ended an over four year relationship, and I graduated college. Dance changed my life. Ballroom dance has changed my life. Teaching, violin, dancing.... my hobbies are still the same. I just go about them differently.
I am a teacher now! Like, I have my own classes. I have a job. It's so surreal sometimes when I sit back and think about it. I usually am called "Morah Tiffany" or "Morah [my last name]" - and it's just the cutest thing. Especially coming from a 5 year old.
I went to Europe every summer - went back to InterHarmony, and had some pretty ridiculous memories in Prague beforehand with my friend Clarice. We cringe when we think of it, but laugh too. We were both going through.... transition periods. I decided to start my master's right away, because I know once I get that taste of freedom, I probably won't go back.
My sister moved to New York, my brother just moved to Scottsdale. I have my own apartment, no roommates anymore. Why am I writing this all out? I feel like I should just pick up right where I am now, no need to explain - I am the only one that is reading this (even though the audience used to be public). There's something cool about knowing you can write whatever, it's public, and no one sees it anyway. That changed after a little bit, so I don't know if that will happen to this one. Especially since it has not been updated in a few years. haha.
Anyway, events tonight made me want to resurrect this blog again.
I never thought I would be able to open up again, and I am finally getting to that point again. My family would always joke that with my fascination with Judaism, that they wouldn't be surprised if I end up with a Jewish guy - and I found myself a nice Jewish boy! Haha. Not to make it sound like, so sealed and everything. But it really is just so weird how things work out. I met him four years ago, the first weekend I was at ASU and then never saw him again. I even remember telling Eydn about him, saying "AH gosh I briefly met this cute Jewish boy (even back then I have always had a pretty good Jewdar) and it's too bad I've found the one (speaking about bf at the time)." It's just so so weird. Then, four years later, I am going to my ballroom class and who comes walking through that door? My now boyfriend.
It took months for us to get to the relationship point, I even tried distracting myself with other people, thinking that if it isn't happening now it ain't gonna happen ever. I even started seeing this other guy, and when he confessed his love to me I flew out to Europe to see him. Lol. Wow. It sounds so spontaneous, and that is so not me. So it's about 6 days before I'm leaving to Europe, and boyfriend decides to finally make a move. I couldn't believe it. I was just ecstatic, but pissed at the same time. WHAT changed?!? Why now?? I still ask myself these questions. I wonder what changed, what suddenly made me desirable enough to date and be in a relationship with.
He is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. He makes me laugh like no one else can. When he wants to be, he is so thoughtful and there are those moments where I think we feel the same about each other. Love is a scary thing, and it makes you do things you wouldn't do before. I'm still getting used to being happy again. Even though we don't ever say it, I feel really loved around him. And I am so sure that I am in love with him too. It scares me, and even though I haven't made myself completely vulnerable, when you know - you just know. I know he needs time and ..well. Whatever he needs I seem to just be along for whatever it is, because I want to make it work. But I am just happy to be feeling like this again. It feels right.
And my next post will just sound contradicting to all of this haha.
Wedding Weekend
This past weekend, I watched one of my brother's friends that I've known since I was in elementary school, get married!
I was actually pretty good at stifling my tears throughout the wedding, because I didn't want my parents to see me cry (It would just be awkward. It's hard to explain, but my family doesn't really show much emotion like that to eachother.)
I had such a great time, and ...learned a few things I guess you could say. Don't take that in a suggestive way or something. I just came across new information.
favorite quote of the night:
"You have the thighs of a thoroughbred." - Kendall (brother's best friend said to me)
I just about died when he said this; I have never been compared to a horse. Oh well, we were all highly intoxicated and I guess it wasn't too bad at the time. Hey, it was an open bar. Now I don't want to make it sound like I'm some sort of alcoholic or anything, because I'm definitely not. Usually when I drink, my parents are with me! Haha.
Anyway, the reception and ceremony was absolutely beautiful; everything from the color scheme which was surprisingly a beautiful choice - Forest Green, Black, and White. I know, if you think about it, sortof weird. BUT, when I saw the invitations and the whole wedding, it looked beautiful! The food was great, too. There was plenty of entertainment, open bar, boat rides along the lake (which would've been romantic if a significant other were there..) - which I stood in line for with some people for a good ten minutes and they shut it down when it was our turn! Anyway, I had a great time. After the wedding, everyone went to Garcia's, and I hung out after that with my brother and his best friend. We were all so intoxicated that we didn't even know how to get back to the hotel room... I think my brother might've been the worst? haha! Maybe it sounds bad that I was in that state with two older guys, but really I don't think I'd feel that safe with anyone else. Jason's my brother, and his best friend is like another.
I was actually pretty good at stifling my tears throughout the wedding, because I didn't want my parents to see me cry (It would just be awkward. It's hard to explain, but my family doesn't really show much emotion like that to eachother.)
I had such a great time, and ...learned a few things I guess you could say. Don't take that in a suggestive way or something. I just came across new information.
favorite quote of the night:
"You have the thighs of a thoroughbred." - Kendall (brother's best friend said to me)
I just about died when he said this; I have never been compared to a horse. Oh well, we were all highly intoxicated and I guess it wasn't too bad at the time. Hey, it was an open bar. Now I don't want to make it sound like I'm some sort of alcoholic or anything, because I'm definitely not. Usually when I drink, my parents are with me! Haha.
Anyway, the reception and ceremony was absolutely beautiful; everything from the color scheme which was surprisingly a beautiful choice - Forest Green, Black, and White. I know, if you think about it, sortof weird. BUT, when I saw the invitations and the whole wedding, it looked beautiful! The food was great, too. There was plenty of entertainment, open bar, boat rides along the lake (which would've been romantic if a significant other were there..) - which I stood in line for with some people for a good ten minutes and they shut it down when it was our turn! Anyway, I had a great time. After the wedding, everyone went to Garcia's, and I hung out after that with my brother and his best friend. We were all so intoxicated that we didn't even know how to get back to the hotel room... I think my brother might've been the worst? haha! Maybe it sounds bad that I was in that state with two older guys, but really I don't think I'd feel that safe with anyone else. Jason's my brother, and his best friend is like another.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
"Silent Beast"
I have never seen someone suffer. It brought tears to my eyes just seeing my aunt. I kept telling myself, "You're fine, you're fine" on the way over to her house, and then once I saw her I just broke down. She lost so much weight, and she looked weak. Cancer is a bitch.
It was hard for me to tell her about my trip because it was such a happy experience for me, while she was in bed, dying. On top of that, I was so guilty because a week before I left, I was going to visit her and bring her back a dish she used to make sauce for me, and when she missed my call she left me a message saying to call her back and that she was sick. I just assumed that she meant she had the flu, so I just did my thing till I left for Europe because I didn't want to catch her flu that I was afraid to catch. God I get so mad when I look back and think about that. It was so selfish of me. I literally found out she had cancer the day I left for my trip, in the airport about to board for my flight. My mom called to tell me...and I had that guilt the whole trip. I didn't even want to call and say sorry. I didn't know what to say, I was too embarrassed.
it was so hard today talking to her, because all I kept thinking about was she won't be here for this. That. In a few months. My mom started talking about my graduation in the spring, and my aunt said "Well I won't be here for that." And it stung. Why her? Why anyone for that matter? She JUST got her house the way she wanted it... the floors redone, new counters, new beautiful house. And now she can't enjoy it. She won't see me graduate, she won't see me get married, or see my someday children. She is missing it because of fucking cancer. It angers me so much, but tears me apart at the same time. I'm guilty that I didn't spend more time with her, and I'm guilty that I didn't call her back. I can't believe I was too afraid to call her, thinking she'd make me come over anyway with her having a FLU. It eats me up inside and I am so mad at myself.
One thing this is shown me is that I cannot take my life for granted. If you're unhappy, fix it. If you aren't where you want to be, move. If you want extra fries with your cheeseburger, get them. Or don't. It's up to you. You make the bed you lay in, and if you are unhappy with your life or where you are, then something needs to change because it could all change for the worse....just like that. I left for Europe thinking my aunt was just having a light sickness and didn't call her, and I get back and she is dying.
I think the most important thing in life is to be happy and try to do what you can to be successful to yourself in life. I think that's why I am so focused on just being alone now, because I have never felt so lost before in my life. How lost can one be in life if they are surrounded by a myriad of relationships yet feel so lost? Something has to be wrong.
I'm sorry Aunt Isola. I just wish her pain to go away. I don't want her to suffer anymore.
It was hard for me to tell her about my trip because it was such a happy experience for me, while she was in bed, dying. On top of that, I was so guilty because a week before I left, I was going to visit her and bring her back a dish she used to make sauce for me, and when she missed my call she left me a message saying to call her back and that she was sick. I just assumed that she meant she had the flu, so I just did my thing till I left for Europe because I didn't want to catch her flu that I was afraid to catch. God I get so mad when I look back and think about that. It was so selfish of me. I literally found out she had cancer the day I left for my trip, in the airport about to board for my flight. My mom called to tell me...and I had that guilt the whole trip. I didn't even want to call and say sorry. I didn't know what to say, I was too embarrassed.
it was so hard today talking to her, because all I kept thinking about was she won't be here for this. That. In a few months. My mom started talking about my graduation in the spring, and my aunt said "Well I won't be here for that." And it stung. Why her? Why anyone for that matter? She JUST got her house the way she wanted it... the floors redone, new counters, new beautiful house. And now she can't enjoy it. She won't see me graduate, she won't see me get married, or see my someday children. She is missing it because of fucking cancer. It angers me so much, but tears me apart at the same time. I'm guilty that I didn't spend more time with her, and I'm guilty that I didn't call her back. I can't believe I was too afraid to call her, thinking she'd make me come over anyway with her having a FLU. It eats me up inside and I am so mad at myself.
One thing this is shown me is that I cannot take my life for granted. If you're unhappy, fix it. If you aren't where you want to be, move. If you want extra fries with your cheeseburger, get them. Or don't. It's up to you. You make the bed you lay in, and if you are unhappy with your life or where you are, then something needs to change because it could all change for the worse....just like that. I left for Europe thinking my aunt was just having a light sickness and didn't call her, and I get back and she is dying.
I think the most important thing in life is to be happy and try to do what you can to be successful to yourself in life. I think that's why I am so focused on just being alone now, because I have never felt so lost before in my life. How lost can one be in life if they are surrounded by a myriad of relationships yet feel so lost? Something has to be wrong.
I'm sorry Aunt Isola. I just wish her pain to go away. I don't want her to suffer anymore.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Dream Interpretation (New level of weird.)
I had the strangest dream last night. First off, the past two nights I have had a dream that I was pregnant, and then I had this like weird dilemma where I was freaking out saying, "Who's the dad?!" ... which was comical to me because in the dream I had like more partners, and in real life the answer would be real simple who knocked me up, haha. So having a pregnancy dream indicates, according to dreammoods.com, that you are in the middle of a "birth" of a new idea, project, or change in your life that you may not be willing to share with others yet which I think makes sense to me. But anyway in my dream I remember thinking, "I'm gonna be so big when I'm back to school! How am I going to FINISH school???" haha I'm just as self conscious in my dreams as I am in my waking life, it's funny to me.
So onto my weird crazy dream as if being pregnant in my dream two nights in a row wasn't crazy enough ....
This dream was really strange. I started off hanging out with this blonde girl who was ridiculously tiny and had the most adorable Louis Vuitton shoulder bag - but that's beside the point. It was raining really hard, and I was grocery shopping with my mom, dad, Tyler, and guy who thought he was baby daddy. At the check out line, guy who thinks he's baby daddy gives his card, so basically pays for my groceries; not sure if he does this out of guilt or something?? By the way, I see the doctor and find out that Tyler is baby daddy.
So the dream continues to walking out of the grocery store and now I get back to cute handbag blonde girl in my dream. Somehow my family disappears and this girl replaces them. It is raining extremely hard, and this girl and I get whisked away in the shopping cart we have (another weird thing to point out, the fact that both of us magically fit in this shopping cart, AND who is pushing us, the wind?!) into this unknown territory to where it is like we are deserted in the middle of an ocean? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm a complete nutcase, but I'm gonna continue to tell this anyway so I can read this and laugh later.
We are now on this land that looks like.. if you mixed the Sedona red mountains with like, Egypt, Star Wars looking characters, and throw in a wormhole, we somehow got transported to this place. I don't remember why now because I am trying to continue this after being awake for 13 hours, but for some reason no one here liked us and we needed to get off this planet, we'll call it. So random blonde girl and I are running through enchanted dining halls, literally SCALING mountain sides, and just being total badasses escaping these villain people. And the thing I hate about dreams is that you can't run as fast as you want and it is SO frustrating.
I've skipped some pretty crucial plot details, not like that is an excuse to make this sound any less Looney of a dream than it already does or anything. But I'll continue.
So we are escaping, running away from the Star Wars lookalike characters and blonde girl at some point in my head has morphed into my best friend Eydn. Oh, and by the way I think I am NOT pregnant anymore at this point in the dream. Eydn and I are now jumping high into the sky, still scaling crazy high mountains and crawling up walls to escape this planet, and Eydn exclaims "we have to find the wormhole that brought us here! And, then magically we are standing over a mini waterfall that leads to a lower leveled high class swimming pool and I say, "Eydn, the wormhole is the water! We have to double backflip (WTF?!) into the water and we will be miraculously transported back to the shady, rainy parking lot of Wal Mart!" and this is funny, but I think the dialogue was that direct in my dream, too.
So once we went down a few levels of swimming pools and jagged creeks, we made our way to a big cliff with beautiful big waves and an ocean ahead - clearly the wormhole. So I go first, and I double backflip into this unknown water and it didn't transport me or anything, it just made me immune. Like the Star Wars villains couldn't do anything to me, now that I flipped into the ocean ahead. Eydn jumped in, but freaked because she didn't know how to backflip. So I literally had to hold her body and make her backflip. Next thing you know, she says "I'm at Ross! (while still in my presence in the 5 Ft deep ocean) and I say AWESOME ME TOO! And then we were transported into a game of Red Rover with all the people we thought were annoying from high school.
So, that's the end of my dream. I dream all the time and I should really write them down more often because it sounds so hilarious to me now that I am typing this all out.
And as I normally do, I'll pick a few things to "interpret" via dreammoods.com in their Dictionary section.
I'll do ocean first.
For ocean, it basically said that if the ocean is rough (which it had some white caps, yes) then it means I am dealing with some emotional turmoil in my life right now and I am doing best to handle life's ups and downs... Okay. So why am I backflipping into it????
So, leading to the next word, Flip.
Apparently to see something flipping signifies excitement.. and if I am flipping something, that could possibly indicate that I am feeling regret or be a pun on driving someone mad/crazy, aka 'flipped out'. Hmmm.
Next one I thought of was Rain, because I saw a lot of it in my dream.
Ok, so it could mean forgiveness and grace? Or a metaphor for rears, crying and sadness. Ok that sounds more accurate to life right now. It can also symbolize fertility and renewal. Gosh, first pregnancy now fertility?! I promise this is not the stage of my life I want to be in! Haha.
Well I think it is about time to retire to bed, I have had a long day and am curious to see what I dream about tonight after this long day I've had full of emotions. I looked through old pictures today and all I can say is, I wish I had a biiiiiig heart shaped cookie right about now.
Xox
So onto my weird crazy dream as if being pregnant in my dream two nights in a row wasn't crazy enough ....
This dream was really strange. I started off hanging out with this blonde girl who was ridiculously tiny and had the most adorable Louis Vuitton shoulder bag - but that's beside the point. It was raining really hard, and I was grocery shopping with my mom, dad, Tyler, and guy who thought he was baby daddy. At the check out line, guy who thinks he's baby daddy gives his card, so basically pays for my groceries; not sure if he does this out of guilt or something?? By the way, I see the doctor and find out that Tyler is baby daddy.
So the dream continues to walking out of the grocery store and now I get back to cute handbag blonde girl in my dream. Somehow my family disappears and this girl replaces them. It is raining extremely hard, and this girl and I get whisked away in the shopping cart we have (another weird thing to point out, the fact that both of us magically fit in this shopping cart, AND who is pushing us, the wind?!) into this unknown territory to where it is like we are deserted in the middle of an ocean? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm a complete nutcase, but I'm gonna continue to tell this anyway so I can read this and laugh later.
We are now on this land that looks like.. if you mixed the Sedona red mountains with like, Egypt, Star Wars looking characters, and throw in a wormhole, we somehow got transported to this place. I don't remember why now because I am trying to continue this after being awake for 13 hours, but for some reason no one here liked us and we needed to get off this planet, we'll call it. So random blonde girl and I are running through enchanted dining halls, literally SCALING mountain sides, and just being total badasses escaping these villain people. And the thing I hate about dreams is that you can't run as fast as you want and it is SO frustrating.
I've skipped some pretty crucial plot details, not like that is an excuse to make this sound any less Looney of a dream than it already does or anything. But I'll continue.
So we are escaping, running away from the Star Wars lookalike characters and blonde girl at some point in my head has morphed into my best friend Eydn. Oh, and by the way I think I am NOT pregnant anymore at this point in the dream. Eydn and I are now jumping high into the sky, still scaling crazy high mountains and crawling up walls to escape this planet, and Eydn exclaims "we have to find the wormhole that brought us here! And, then magically we are standing over a mini waterfall that leads to a lower leveled high class swimming pool and I say, "Eydn, the wormhole is the water! We have to double backflip (WTF?!) into the water and we will be miraculously transported back to the shady, rainy parking lot of Wal Mart!" and this is funny, but I think the dialogue was that direct in my dream, too.
So once we went down a few levels of swimming pools and jagged creeks, we made our way to a big cliff with beautiful big waves and an ocean ahead - clearly the wormhole. So I go first, and I double backflip into this unknown water and it didn't transport me or anything, it just made me immune. Like the Star Wars villains couldn't do anything to me, now that I flipped into the ocean ahead. Eydn jumped in, but freaked because she didn't know how to backflip. So I literally had to hold her body and make her backflip. Next thing you know, she says "I'm at Ross! (while still in my presence in the 5 Ft deep ocean) and I say AWESOME ME TOO! And then we were transported into a game of Red Rover with all the people we thought were annoying from high school.
So, that's the end of my dream. I dream all the time and I should really write them down more often because it sounds so hilarious to me now that I am typing this all out.
And as I normally do, I'll pick a few things to "interpret" via dreammoods.com in their Dictionary section.
I'll do ocean first.
For ocean, it basically said that if the ocean is rough (which it had some white caps, yes) then it means I am dealing with some emotional turmoil in my life right now and I am doing best to handle life's ups and downs... Okay. So why am I backflipping into it????
So, leading to the next word, Flip.
Apparently to see something flipping signifies excitement.. and if I am flipping something, that could possibly indicate that I am feeling regret or be a pun on driving someone mad/crazy, aka 'flipped out'. Hmmm.
Next one I thought of was Rain, because I saw a lot of it in my dream.
Ok, so it could mean forgiveness and grace? Or a metaphor for rears, crying and sadness. Ok that sounds more accurate to life right now. It can also symbolize fertility and renewal. Gosh, first pregnancy now fertility?! I promise this is not the stage of my life I want to be in! Haha.
Well I think it is about time to retire to bed, I have had a long day and am curious to see what I dream about tonight after this long day I've had full of emotions. I looked through old pictures today and all I can say is, I wish I had a biiiiiig heart shaped cookie right about now.
Xox
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Thought I'd Share This
“What makes us leave what we love best?
What is it inside us that keeps erasing itself
When we need it most,
That sends us into uncertainty for its own sake
And holds us flush there
until we begin to love it
And have to begin again?
What is it within our own lives we decline to live
Whenever we find it,
making our days unendurable,
And nights almost visionless?
I still don't know yet, but I do it.”
― Charles Wright
What is it inside us that keeps erasing itself
When we need it most,
That sends us into uncertainty for its own sake
And holds us flush there
until we begin to love it
And have to begin again?
What is it within our own lives we decline to live
Whenever we find it,
making our days unendurable,
And nights almost visionless?
I still don't know yet, but I do it.”
― Charles Wright
Saturday, June 29, 2013
21 Things
Well, I finally turned 21. June 21st. The summer solstice, golden birthday, yada yada. It was really memorable. I think if I can try, I'm going to just list 21 things I have learned, or feel necessary to include in a list of "21 Things".
21) Beta Blockers are my new best friend
20) 5 drinks is probably my max.
19) I am a better friend than my friends are to me.
Okay, it sounds self-absorbed but REALLY. I truly do feel this way. It was like pulling teeth trying to get friends to celebrate my birthday with me - with the exception of Eydn and Tyler. My good friend Jose and I got dinner the night after and I met up with some Phoenix friends. The day after that, Tyler took me racecar driving, a movie, and shopping. It was a pretty good birthday weekend.
18) I feel such relief not having to be "Michelle" when I go out now! I can just approach the bouncer, smile, and know it's me. WAHOO!!
17) Dancing did my body so much good throughout my life. It's a shame I didn't stick with it more.
16) I have the mood swings of a 3 year old on pixie sticks.
15) I am very uncertain where I will be in a year. Everyone kind of is, aren't they though.
14) I contemplate my purpose in the world almost everyday now. I also contemplate how wonderful it would be to pursue fame.
13) I am gonna get my chest done. In a year or two.
12) I am incredibly thankful to have the parents I have. They are those "Drop everything for anyone" kind of people, and they really are just incredibly generous people. I wanna be like them when I grow up.
11) I have become very accustomed to all things country these past 6 months. And I am LOVING it!!!
10) ..Adding 2-stepping to #11. It's so fun..so easy.
9) I want to run a marathon someday.
8) Online shopping has become quite an addiction this past year..
7) There's a song I only work on when I am home and usually work on for maybe an hour every few months or so. That piece is Clair de Lune by Debussy.
6) Prescott, AZ is like the new China - they are just poppin out babies everywhere around here. It must be something in this Northern Arizona water.
5) I went to a baby shower yesterday and got major baby fever. Thank you birth control, and the fact that I am 21 and that is not something I want right now in life, despite what I think of when I see all those adorable baby shoes and baby clothing in the moment.
4) I became a god mother this year! She's not my niece, but it seriously feels like it. her name is Maria Amanda. Cutest Pinoy baby EVER!! Speaking of Pinoy...
3)...I want to visit the Philippines next summer and see my family. I miss them all so much, and I love the Philippines. It's nice to know I have family.
2) I always wonder what it'll be like to be a mom, or an Aunt. And seeing how my parents will be. And with my friend having a baby, I can see just how crazy-pants my mom might get! Haha - in a good way of course.
1) I am so so so so thankful. For everyone in my life and the life I have. Those of you who are in my life, you know who you are and why I am so thankful for you.
21) Beta Blockers are my new best friend
20) 5 drinks is probably my max.
19) I am a better friend than my friends are to me.
Okay, it sounds self-absorbed but REALLY. I truly do feel this way. It was like pulling teeth trying to get friends to celebrate my birthday with me - with the exception of Eydn and Tyler. My good friend Jose and I got dinner the night after and I met up with some Phoenix friends. The day after that, Tyler took me racecar driving, a movie, and shopping. It was a pretty good birthday weekend.
18) I feel such relief not having to be "Michelle" when I go out now! I can just approach the bouncer, smile, and know it's me. WAHOO!!
17) Dancing did my body so much good throughout my life. It's a shame I didn't stick with it more.
16) I have the mood swings of a 3 year old on pixie sticks.
15) I am very uncertain where I will be in a year. Everyone kind of is, aren't they though.
14) I contemplate my purpose in the world almost everyday now. I also contemplate how wonderful it would be to pursue fame.
13) I am gonna get my chest done. In a year or two.
12) I am incredibly thankful to have the parents I have. They are those "Drop everything for anyone" kind of people, and they really are just incredibly generous people. I wanna be like them when I grow up.
11) I have become very accustomed to all things country these past 6 months. And I am LOVING it!!!
10) ..Adding 2-stepping to #11. It's so fun..so easy.
9) I want to run a marathon someday.
8) Online shopping has become quite an addiction this past year..
7) There's a song I only work on when I am home and usually work on for maybe an hour every few months or so. That piece is Clair de Lune by Debussy.
6) Prescott, AZ is like the new China - they are just poppin out babies everywhere around here. It must be something in this Northern Arizona water.
5) I went to a baby shower yesterday and got major baby fever. Thank you birth control, and the fact that I am 21 and that is not something I want right now in life, despite what I think of when I see all those adorable baby shoes and baby clothing in the moment.
4) I became a god mother this year! She's not my niece, but it seriously feels like it. her name is Maria Amanda. Cutest Pinoy baby EVER!! Speaking of Pinoy...
3)...I want to visit the Philippines next summer and see my family. I miss them all so much, and I love the Philippines. It's nice to know I have family.
2) I always wonder what it'll be like to be a mom, or an Aunt. And seeing how my parents will be. And with my friend having a baby, I can see just how crazy-pants my mom might get! Haha - in a good way of course.
1) I am so so so so thankful. For everyone in my life and the life I have. Those of you who are in my life, you know who you are and why I am so thankful for you.
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