*as my favorite show Law and Order SVU plays in the background lol*
Is it bad that I felt the need to delete posts from my past? I was looking through my drafts on the dashboard for my blog, and I was looking at all these posts I didn't publish, and remembered a couple months ago when I felt the need to delete thoughts from my first boyfriend. But I didn't delete anything about my most recent relationship.
I have this theory that women aren't crazy. Well, we are, but we get "crazy", (or in my opinion) when we care about something. But, isn't that everyone? That's why people join debate clubs, or enjoy discussing "hot topics" with others. Because it is stuff they are passionate about, something they really believe in. I think women do that with their relationships with others, too. Call us more territorial, but I think it all comes from a place of love. For instance, I had a bad falling out with a friend in December and it actually hurt me a little because I am NOT just saying this; I will own up to when I am in the wrong. This was literally the weirdest situation and now we aren't talking and haven't since December. I tried reaching out to her because I heard some stupid rumor that I thought she should know about, and she didn't even have the courtesy to give me a one worded answer back. I thought to myself ... okay maybe she is just really busy. But then she posted something on facebook. Probably 8 minutes AFTER I wrote her. So, okay. Rude. Next day, I sent her another message apologizing for my weird text the night before.
Nothing!
Nothing at all. That hurt.
So, what did my Regina George, crazy woman in me do? I told my two closest friends, Eydn and Melissa, to delete her on facebook. It might sound catty or immature, but I think it is weird enough that she would comment/mention them in stuff for these months when she and I weren't even speaking. And she isn't even friends with them. These are people that I love so dearly that she has met maybe once or twice and friended them after. And, I thought also.... I don't want my friends talking to her. Why do they care to?
And , one of my friends instantly removed her without question, a simple "ha bye" and that felt so good lol. Call me mean, but I couldn't help it. I am territorial, about the people I love and care about, and I didn't want them talking to someone that hurt me (even though they really don't ever. I just didn't want her talking to them). Oh my god, I sound crazy.
Anyway, the crazy woman in me continues. I have been talking to Matt since January, when I was in New York, and he didn't reach out ALL day. I immediately text Melissa late tonight saying, "he's over me, he likes someone else." And the funny thing is, Melissa TOTALLY got it. She'll call me out if I'm being over analyzing which is highly probable (happens all the time). But this time, she realized that she knows me and yes it is weird that the first time since Martin Luther King Day Jr, we haven't spoken or conversed. Nothing!
Of course, I panicked. He finally messaged me at like midnight on Snapchat saying he just got back from NYC. The annoying thing is, is that I was annoyed. Annoyed it took that long. He doesn't owe me check-ins. I have no right to be annoyed. And that's when I knew for god damn sure I am into this guy. Because I care. Because of those little things, Those little things keep me sane and remind me that I'm as important to him as he is to me. Then again.... we are "just friends". I hate that.
I swear when he is here next weekend if he gives me that window I am fucking flying through that window. Literally and figuratively.
On that note, I am feeling better about myself after getting into my old habits again of working out and eating better. It's been really hard as of late because I didn't really have the time, nor money to dedicate to myself. But, I know that it is work. I can't make excuses anymore. Especially if I want those jeans from May to fit. Right now my butt is twerking when I walk and that is not a place to be.
One more random thought, it's so weird that I always seem so lost with my thoughts. I am always looking for clarity and that silver lining; however with most of my friends I usually know exactly what to say or am able to help them get clarity. I think if I could do school over again I would've gone to medical school and become a psychiatrist/therapist. I like helping people.
Okay. I really have to go to sleep. It is 12:43, and I have to teach in less than 8 hours.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Heavy
I just read through some old posts, and god. It hurt.
Obviously I know myself well - and I (and I'm sure someone else too would be able to) notice how somber and .. heavy my old posts pre breakup and post breakup were. It hurt to read, to read how I hurt. To see it so vividly in writing.
I have come so far since November 2015. I can't believe it's been that long. And it's been since October 2016 that we talked.
Now, here I am, crazy about some other guy which I never thought would happen again.
I still every now and then have nightmares about G. I call them nightmares because I always wake up like, gosh again Tiffany? After this long?
There's one person I would consider being exclusive with and he lives on the other side of the country. Nice job, Tiffany.
Obviously I know myself well - and I (and I'm sure someone else too would be able to) notice how somber and .. heavy my old posts pre breakup and post breakup were. It hurt to read, to read how I hurt. To see it so vividly in writing.
I have come so far since November 2015. I can't believe it's been that long. And it's been since October 2016 that we talked.
Now, here I am, crazy about some other guy which I never thought would happen again.
I still every now and then have nightmares about G. I call them nightmares because I always wake up like, gosh again Tiffany? After this long?
There's one person I would consider being exclusive with and he lives on the other side of the country. Nice job, Tiffany.
A Lot of Three's
Below after this post is a draft I found from some time after the new year, I suspect. All I can say is; history absolutely repeats itself - at least for me.
in background: Jane Eyre movie
This time of year about three year ago (2014), I was seeing a flight student, John. I wasn't really into John; I mean, I was - it was just one of those things I knew would not be going anywhere. I just enjoyed *seeing* him if you catch my drift.
I continued to see him though, almost like a distraction from my real love interest, whom I ended up being in a relationship with for over a year after that (G). I feel horrible writing this out, but really my heart was elsewhere and I was just continuing to fill this lonely void, just hoping someday G would come around and give me a chance.
Well, he finally did. He finally did a couple weeks after I decided to be John's girlfriend. I bought a ticket to the UK to visit him, and 5 days before I was going to the UK, G finally made a move. I couldn't believe it. It was like my entire world had finally come circling back to me and everything was right in the world, except it wasn't. Now here I was, -$1200 later about to fly across the world to see a guy I KNEW I wasn't in love with.
I eventually ended it with John, and waited an entire summer for G. Once I had that window, I waited and waited for him to come back from his summer excursions.
Fast forward three years later....
I find myself in the SAME PREDICAMENT.
Same thing like with John, I meet this other guy, we'll call him Shawn. Shawn is a sweet guy, very athletic (just like John was), and I already know off the bat that I like spending time with him... but it's like I'm just doing the same thing, settling for someone else - someone I actually met almost SIX years ago!
So.... now I get to Matt. No, not Green Beret Matt (although would LOVE to see that soul again someday)
I somehow reconnected with Matt back in Summer of 2016, but us meeting up in New York never happened. I first met Matt at a music festival in 2011 in Germany, but we were both seeing other people at the time so we were just friends. Although I remember I kissed him on the cheek, and did run to this random place holding his hand somewhere. AND I remember having an innocent crush on him, and remembering "Oh wow too bad I'm already in love with Tyler because he is such a cool guy"...
Also, I gave him this huge heart to heart there about his girlfriend, how he could do so much better. I had only been around him for a few weeks but I saw the way his girlfriend was with him and I was like good lord she is gorgeous but he should be with someone that appreciates him more.
We talked on and off over these six years, I did see him in 2012 with my bf at the time, hilariously enough. I decided to visit my sister in NYC and brought my bf with me, and of course had to see Matt. Another embarrassing point that is hilarious now; I tried setting him up with my sister. She was recently dumped by Shane and I needed to find her a rebound. It never worked and neither of them were interested.
Again, back to Summer 2016. I had planned a trip to NYC to hang with my sister before I went to Israel for the summer (I sincerely hope I mentioned that in a previous post bc that trip was LIFE changing). Matt always had hilarious snapchats, and our communication via text was getting super strong. Thank you silly memes & Snapchat for reconnecting us.
He ended up totally flaking on me that summer, and I was actually upset. I remember telling Eydn or someone that I would totally hook up with him if I could, but we never actually saw each other. He had a night job that made him sleep all day, and he just couldn't find it in him to be on the right time zone to see me. Anyway, I iced him out for weeks which was so weird because we were talking a LOT... and then I finally gave in and forgave him :)
Now, I decided to visit my sister in January for my long MLKJ weekend and he was one of the first people I connected with. From the moment we talked on the phone giving me directions to him, my heart started to flutter. Then, there I am standing across the street at Union Square Park, looking at that same tall lanky guy, foggy breath rising in the air with a huge cello case on his back walking towards me.
My first thoughts were, oh my gosh he is still so handsome, and second thought was his shoe game is
s t r o n g.
He had me laughing constantly, and it was crazy how it felt like a first date but also a friend that I got right back into the old swing of humor with. I can't describe it; a feeling of comfortability and familiarity yet also those little bits of nerves from a first date where you can't stop smiling and looking away every now and then to see if people see the dumb smile on your face.
We went to this place called Vaselka (a Polish place which is his heritage). We ordered matzah ball soup and pierogies, and almost ordered apple crumb cake which was a joke really, because he was just impersonating a black guy ordering it really well. I actually got it on video. Most of the time I just listened to him speak; on dates I truly do get nervous so I let him do most of the talking. Which actually worked out fine since he is a talker, but one of those rambling humor kind of talkers. Not like a philosophical "I digress" rambling type. A cute "Where was I? Oh yes. Family Guy" type. The banter between us reminds me of my first real love and I (G), how it was like I was always on my toes and never knew what he was going to come up with next. It was always surprises and he always had me laughing. This guy is a lot like that. Very carefree, very whimsical and all the while an absolute gentleman (that dresses like one too).
Needless to say, I don't care if the restaurant is dirt cheap or super expensive; if a guy is paying that is one of the most attractive gestures he can do. ... He did, and insisted.
My first thought was, "Wow he is such a nice guy! This doesn't mean he likes me though."
I pretty much tossed with this the rest of the night, him paying for EVERY single thing and me saying to myself maybe he is just really nice and is doing this because I am visiting.
After Vaselka, we went to some place called Johnson something. It was suuuper hipster. We took a couple shots and it was there I saw he had that glazed look in his eye and the Thirsty Tipsy Tiffany (from now on I will refer to myself in the inebriated state as T3) ... so once T3 saw this, I will admit my first thought was I wonder if we are going to kiss tonight. For the record we absolutely did not.
We met up with my sister and flaky Claire at this place called "No Fun"; stood in line for like 45 minutes and ended up having to store his cello downstairs - he came back telling me he felt like a celebrity which I thought was adorable. We drank, danced, and he meandered my sister and I through the gross and sticky condensed crowd to get to bigger space. He had a pullover sweater on, totally not fitting of the attire of others there but I absolutely loved it. He kind of dresses like a 45 something year old professor but I find that super attractive. Anyway. I even asked my sister when he went to the restroom "I think my friend Matt may like me but I can't tell." She said she thought maybe so too, and wasn't sure either.
THIS is where another part of the three year history replay comes back. That is all I dealt with G. I would say a solid 5 months of situations, hangouts or texting that was like so hard to read. That is basically what I deal with Matt. He has that boyish eluding of flirtatious texts I send to joke it off (a CLASSIC G move) and no matter how hard I try I can't get anything out of him.
So, now here's my predicament.
I left New York a little over a month ago, and Matt and I have talked every. Single. DAY. Every day, without fail. Whether it is an over one hour long phone call or just texting/snapchat, it is every day. And I look forward to it. It's not even weird. I wish I could talk to him on the phone every day. I wish he was going to be visiting AZ in a few weeks for more than just 3 days. He is coming for a Symphony audition. Which... I hope he gets.
I try and say things to try and get more emotion out of him - and it's not like he is a dry, emotionless person. I just try and get out the cute little "I like talking to you everyday too, Tiffany" or "I look forward to talking to you!" "I think about you a lot!"
Now, I know it's in there. It HAS to be. What guy talks to a girl every day, and also has on avg over an hour long phone convo at least 1-2 times per week if they aren't into them? I can't be going crazy...right?
Or is he just a really nice guy? Should I try to make a move when he is here? Do I just straight up offer the couch? SO MANY THOUGHTS. I haven't been interested in someone like this in a very, long time. I wondered when I would be again (if ever), and I never thought it would be someone I met six years prior.
It really truly is when you least expect it. So, in less than three weeks, Matt is here. Here in Arizona. God be with me and give me courage to make a fucking move.
in background: Jane Eyre movie
This time of year about three year ago (2014), I was seeing a flight student, John. I wasn't really into John; I mean, I was - it was just one of those things I knew would not be going anywhere. I just enjoyed *seeing* him if you catch my drift.
I continued to see him though, almost like a distraction from my real love interest, whom I ended up being in a relationship with for over a year after that (G). I feel horrible writing this out, but really my heart was elsewhere and I was just continuing to fill this lonely void, just hoping someday G would come around and give me a chance.
Well, he finally did. He finally did a couple weeks after I decided to be John's girlfriend. I bought a ticket to the UK to visit him, and 5 days before I was going to the UK, G finally made a move. I couldn't believe it. It was like my entire world had finally come circling back to me and everything was right in the world, except it wasn't. Now here I was, -$1200 later about to fly across the world to see a guy I KNEW I wasn't in love with.
I eventually ended it with John, and waited an entire summer for G. Once I had that window, I waited and waited for him to come back from his summer excursions.
Fast forward three years later....
I find myself in the SAME PREDICAMENT.
Same thing like with John, I meet this other guy, we'll call him Shawn. Shawn is a sweet guy, very athletic (just like John was), and I already know off the bat that I like spending time with him... but it's like I'm just doing the same thing, settling for someone else - someone I actually met almost SIX years ago!
So.... now I get to Matt. No, not Green Beret Matt (although would LOVE to see that soul again someday)
I somehow reconnected with Matt back in Summer of 2016, but us meeting up in New York never happened. I first met Matt at a music festival in 2011 in Germany, but we were both seeing other people at the time so we were just friends. Although I remember I kissed him on the cheek, and did run to this random place holding his hand somewhere. AND I remember having an innocent crush on him, and remembering "Oh wow too bad I'm already in love with Tyler because he is such a cool guy"...
Also, I gave him this huge heart to heart there about his girlfriend, how he could do so much better. I had only been around him for a few weeks but I saw the way his girlfriend was with him and I was like good lord she is gorgeous but he should be with someone that appreciates him more.
We talked on and off over these six years, I did see him in 2012 with my bf at the time, hilariously enough. I decided to visit my sister in NYC and brought my bf with me, and of course had to see Matt. Another embarrassing point that is hilarious now; I tried setting him up with my sister. She was recently dumped by Shane and I needed to find her a rebound. It never worked and neither of them were interested.
Again, back to Summer 2016. I had planned a trip to NYC to hang with my sister before I went to Israel for the summer (I sincerely hope I mentioned that in a previous post bc that trip was LIFE changing). Matt always had hilarious snapchats, and our communication via text was getting super strong. Thank you silly memes & Snapchat for reconnecting us.
He ended up totally flaking on me that summer, and I was actually upset. I remember telling Eydn or someone that I would totally hook up with him if I could, but we never actually saw each other. He had a night job that made him sleep all day, and he just couldn't find it in him to be on the right time zone to see me. Anyway, I iced him out for weeks which was so weird because we were talking a LOT... and then I finally gave in and forgave him :)
Now, I decided to visit my sister in January for my long MLKJ weekend and he was one of the first people I connected with. From the moment we talked on the phone giving me directions to him, my heart started to flutter. Then, there I am standing across the street at Union Square Park, looking at that same tall lanky guy, foggy breath rising in the air with a huge cello case on his back walking towards me.
My first thoughts were, oh my gosh he is still so handsome, and second thought was his shoe game is
s t r o n g.
He had me laughing constantly, and it was crazy how it felt like a first date but also a friend that I got right back into the old swing of humor with. I can't describe it; a feeling of comfortability and familiarity yet also those little bits of nerves from a first date where you can't stop smiling and looking away every now and then to see if people see the dumb smile on your face.
We went to this place called Vaselka (a Polish place which is his heritage). We ordered matzah ball soup and pierogies, and almost ordered apple crumb cake which was a joke really, because he was just impersonating a black guy ordering it really well. I actually got it on video. Most of the time I just listened to him speak; on dates I truly do get nervous so I let him do most of the talking. Which actually worked out fine since he is a talker, but one of those rambling humor kind of talkers. Not like a philosophical "I digress" rambling type. A cute "Where was I? Oh yes. Family Guy" type. The banter between us reminds me of my first real love and I (G), how it was like I was always on my toes and never knew what he was going to come up with next. It was always surprises and he always had me laughing. This guy is a lot like that. Very carefree, very whimsical and all the while an absolute gentleman (that dresses like one too).
Needless to say, I don't care if the restaurant is dirt cheap or super expensive; if a guy is paying that is one of the most attractive gestures he can do. ... He did, and insisted.
My first thought was, "Wow he is such a nice guy! This doesn't mean he likes me though."
I pretty much tossed with this the rest of the night, him paying for EVERY single thing and me saying to myself maybe he is just really nice and is doing this because I am visiting.
After Vaselka, we went to some place called Johnson something. It was suuuper hipster. We took a couple shots and it was there I saw he had that glazed look in his eye and the Thirsty Tipsy Tiffany (from now on I will refer to myself in the inebriated state as T3) ... so once T3 saw this, I will admit my first thought was I wonder if we are going to kiss tonight. For the record we absolutely did not.
We met up with my sister and flaky Claire at this place called "No Fun"; stood in line for like 45 minutes and ended up having to store his cello downstairs - he came back telling me he felt like a celebrity which I thought was adorable. We drank, danced, and he meandered my sister and I through the gross and sticky condensed crowd to get to bigger space. He had a pullover sweater on, totally not fitting of the attire of others there but I absolutely loved it. He kind of dresses like a 45 something year old professor but I find that super attractive. Anyway. I even asked my sister when he went to the restroom "I think my friend Matt may like me but I can't tell." She said she thought maybe so too, and wasn't sure either.
THIS is where another part of the three year history replay comes back. That is all I dealt with G. I would say a solid 5 months of situations, hangouts or texting that was like so hard to read. That is basically what I deal with Matt. He has that boyish eluding of flirtatious texts I send to joke it off (a CLASSIC G move) and no matter how hard I try I can't get anything out of him.
So, now here's my predicament.
I left New York a little over a month ago, and Matt and I have talked every. Single. DAY. Every day, without fail. Whether it is an over one hour long phone call or just texting/snapchat, it is every day. And I look forward to it. It's not even weird. I wish I could talk to him on the phone every day. I wish he was going to be visiting AZ in a few weeks for more than just 3 days. He is coming for a Symphony audition. Which... I hope he gets.
I try and say things to try and get more emotion out of him - and it's not like he is a dry, emotionless person. I just try and get out the cute little "I like talking to you everyday too, Tiffany" or "I look forward to talking to you!" "I think about you a lot!"
Now, I know it's in there. It HAS to be. What guy talks to a girl every day, and also has on avg over an hour long phone convo at least 1-2 times per week if they aren't into them? I can't be going crazy...right?
Or is he just a really nice guy? Should I try to make a move when he is here? Do I just straight up offer the couch? SO MANY THOUGHTS. I haven't been interested in someone like this in a very, long time. I wondered when I would be again (if ever), and I never thought it would be someone I met six years prior.
It really truly is when you least expect it. So, in less than three weeks, Matt is here. Here in Arizona. God be with me and give me courage to make a fucking move.
Like an unfinished symphony....
Over the past few months, I have changed. And it's been noticeable, along the way. I think the first time I noticed was when I made a move on a guy I really liked, and when he ignored me days after I called him out on it. I would never have done that if it had happened earlier (which, I think it had). I would've just let it pass and we would've stopped talking. But I didn't let it blow over; I reached out and said it was dumb and he needed to be honest with me. Now we are friends.
I think that after having my heart broken, it changed me. It hardened my heart, to paint a picture. I am put back together, but in every situation I say to myself why wait. just get to the point because nothing is ever as it seems.
Even with dating, I just think of it as a waste of time. Why bother? Why do this whole process, is it worth it?
I'm getting better
I think that after having my heart broken, it changed me. It hardened my heart, to paint a picture. I am put back together, but in every situation I say to myself why wait. just get to the point because nothing is ever as it seems.
Even with dating, I just think of it as a waste of time. Why bother? Why do this whole process, is it worth it?
I'm getting better
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