My Weekend Update..It gets Deep.

Man, I can't tell you how great it was to go back home for the weekend. I hadnt' been back since early October, and I missed home so much. I really didn't do much; I did practice piano and violin alot though (something I really should be doing EVERY DAY already haha...).
My mom is the best cook ever (I promise I am not exaggerating.. she can make anything, and makes anything yummy. there is nothing she has made I haven't liked) , and it was also great to be able to go back home and have some homecooked meals.. ahhh. I know my mom was really happy to have us all back home, too. I missed my dogs and little kitty mia SO much, too! I can't wait to take that little one with me to Tempe next year. I was going to take my Paris pooch (pug) too, but I noticed when I visited, that my mom has become much more attached to her. I know she'll never admit it, but I know she'd be so, so sad if I took away Paris. She loves having that furry ball of fat around to follow her around. :)
Thanksgiving wasn't that great to begin with... a typical holiday for my family though. Not embellishing or anything when I say this; but, my family argues every holiday. I mean, we argue alot anyway. That's just how we commmunicate, haha. But every holiday are usually bad arguments. It's not like the whole family argues; there is usually just some dispute between a couple people in the family. This holiday for Thanksgiving, my sister and i were rewarded the big fight for the holiday. Literally, there was no point to it. She got mad because I have a bunch of my mom's (now vintage) clothes that used to be in her closet that she never, ever wore. So I took them around my junior year. I mean, I had some for myself, but she never wore really any of them. So, I found it acceptable that I wander into her closet and get my mom's clothes that were collecting dust in her messy walk-in closet.
Anyway, my mom was totally cool with me having those clothes; she's really happy every time I wear something that was hers. I also love seeing pictures of her in the clothes that I wear now. Well back to the argument, my sister has a temper of both my mom & dad combined, and she's ... well. Kindof spoiled, I think. Usually my parents side with her with most arguments, so it also fuels her anger to just throw a fit easily. So she got really, really mad, and we argued, and next thing you know, we're getting physical - and not in the dirty way. I took the keys to the Escalade, and left the house to Tyler's and spent a couple hours there. It actually worked out fine because Tyler had been begging me for the past 2 hours to visit for a little bit and I wouldn't, but it was prime time to at that moment. It was nice to just forget about it all, and his family always makes me feel better. I came back home a couple hours later; left right before his family was going to eat. It's just - when you have to get away, you gotta get away. I know his mom could tell I had been crying too; the way she looked into my eyes like she was reading my frustration and hurt that had taken place earlier. Honestly, I would feel completely comfortable telling her what happened; but it's really not their problem, and they aren't supposed to be immersed into my problematic issues on their happy Thanksgiving. That's sometimes why I used to hate going over to Tyler's, unless we just went straight down to his room and just hung out - me and him. I couldn't stand being around their family, because they never fought. Their arguments didn't compare in the slightest to ones in my family, and I just hated being around such a happy family. It sounds horrible, but it's the truth. I remember contemplating a couple times turning around as I drove to their house that day thinking, "Should I really be doing this? Tyler's just going to give his sympathetic 'I'm so sorry's ' that he normally does, while thinking in his head 'God her family is so dysfunctional.' " I just can't stand that. I don't like feeling... weak. Pitiful. I don't want to seem less than anyone. That came out wrong.
A lot of times, I just feel uncomfortable around their family, but happy at the same time. Usually it depends on my mood, but alot of the time, I just feel weird around a family that is completely getting along the whole time, in the kitchen together, laughing with no problems in the world.It eats me up inside. Of course it's something to admire, but at the same time I'm.. jealous. Uncomfortable being there. That's why... everytime I used to come over I'd hope "Please don't let his parents be home" because I didn't want to be around them all being happy and everything. It was too uncomfortable. I almost forgot how this all felt because I hadn't been around them in literally months, but it all came back on Thanksgiving day.
It's not that I don't like his family or anything; well, I don't. I love them. I really do. It's just hard for me. Maybe this sounds over -exaggerated and all. I don't really want it to seem like my homelife is horrendous and unbearable.. It's not. And I don't want it to seem like I'm not thankful for my family and what I have, because I am. That's what Thanksgiving is all about anyway. Realizing what in life you are actually thankful for, and bringing everyone close together. It's just hard for me during every holiday when someone will fight with someone. It's inevitable; it happens every holiday. I love my family, I do. They're really all I've got. I'm just more comfortable with an arguing family I guess. Not really the happy family that has sit down dinners every night, and watches movies together and stuff, and is big on "family nights". It's just not what I'm used to. I really hope I'm not making my family seem so horrible, because I am thankful for them. Hell, they've made me who I am today, and I know there are people in my life who do love me and for some strange reason. I hope someday I'll overcome my uncomfortableness with those happy-family situations; I just don't know when. Maybe that's partly why I refuse to go to the Pointe with his family over summer. I just don't know. I'm a confusing, unstable, emotional girl that Tyler decided to fall in love with, and I can't do anything about that, haha. I just don't think he realizes what he's gotten himself into.

Wow. I don't think that's been let out to the public before.

In conclusion, after I we ate dinner, Tyler stopped by my place for a little bit to hang out with my family. Then that weekend, I got to see all my lovely dear friends from high school all in one place... Bada Beanz. Which, I surprisingly was not a fan of the drummer who filled in for the regular. I didn't like his style. I wouldn't ever have this opinion if I weren't dating a drummer, haha. ;)
It was really great to see all my friends there, though. So I just tuned out most of the music. Not to say it wasn't good, because it was.
Sunday I rode back with my friends Ryan, Nikil, and c. Lucas (some of you know which one this is hahah), and some girl c. Lucas brought along with him.

Now, it's back to school, back to eating in my dorm room alone because my schedule is backwards everyone elses, back to my XL twin size bed, back to not-so-great-food, back to checking my planner every hour and late night homework sessions.

I'll probably be up late tonight. I can't wait for after tonight - this'll be a hard night.

I hope everyone had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving, as wonderful as mine surprisingly turned out by the end of the day. :)



i wasn't REALLY picking my nose ;)









the one who has to deal with me ^ . . .


My dad & I typically do this to family photos.

XOX

30 Day Photo Challenge --- FAIL.

Yeah, I've given up on the Photo Challenge. It's not that it was too hard or anything; I just found it hard to find time every day to look for pictures and stuff. Maybe it's just the wrong time right now... I'm super, super busy :/

Anyway, HOME SWEET HOME!! Back in Prescott. The drive up to Prescott was kindof a drag. Well - a huge drag. Tyler gave me a ride, and somehow as always I find a way to start up an argument, haha. It's me that starts it. There's just one issue that'll always get me going. Why lie ha. Anyway, we didn't really resolve our issues until 5 minutes after 11 pm when he was leaving, and I realized I didn't want us to not see each other for a week and end our time together on a bad note. It really sucks how much toll having a boyfriend can have over your life.
It's like it can control your whole mood, and what ever you decide to do during the day (if you let it, which I have). Sometimes, if him and I are in a bad enough fight, it's like I have the complete opposite reaction: all I want to do is be with him. Regardless if that means I can keep insulting or arguing with him, I'd just rather be with him when I'm angry at him, than apart. I know - I 'm so twisted. But hey..I guess that's proof that there is someone out there for everyone. ;)

It feels absolutely AWESOME to be back home. I've missed it so much. On top of that, my mom has completely redone my room. Well not like "completely", but she has spruced it up pretty nice. She added decorations, painted my walls, and cleaned my room really, REALLY well!! Haha! Thank you mom!

As I've said before, a lot of people my age hate my town. I love. I love everything about Prescott. It's beautiful, and the weather is beautiful. Speaking of beautiful weather, it is an absolutely perfect chill outside now. Crisp, perfect bite to the skin. Yeah that's kindof weird to that I like that biting-skin cold...

I don't really have much plans for the weekend, other than seeing Burlesque tomorrow with my sister- we've been waiting for months!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

<3 xox

Music Lovin'

Since I'm in a very complacent, morose mood this evening, I got a sudden, random urge to listen to "Enya." It's actually calming me down; I feel sleepy now. I always feel tired after I cry.

An update of my little life:

I practiced with my accompanist, Dani today. He is from Israel! He is a very intellectual person, very smart. He kindof reminds me of my previous violin teacher: both Jewish, smart (but like, well-rounded smart). That's kindof a weird way to put it, but it's not like he's academically smart, or has one expertise- he's just like my previous violin teacher; he knows a lot of facts from a lot of different categories and subjects. We didn't even practice today... we just sat in a practice room for almost 2 and a half hours talking about subject after subject.

Lately, I've found it hard to adjust to my new technique that my teacher is giving me. I can't get a really GOOD tone anymore; like my bow hold has changed the way I make sound. My new bow hold and left hand are supposed to make me more relaxed, but I don't see how it's doing that. :( I feel like I'm even more tense at times, now.
What do I do?? Today a master class was held by a guy from the Orion String Quartet. He studied with someone that studied with Nathan Milstein (virtuoso ways back..). He had some good suggestions that I am definitely going to start doing!

I've been just really, really stressed lately, and maybe it's leaking into my playing. I just need to relax. It's hard being a music ed major here at ASU. Typically the normal college undergrad degree is 120 hours. For my degree, it is 156. 156!!!! I am trying to think of any other majors here that go completely overboard the standard 120, and I can't. Maybe engineering? I know for sure no other music degrees go substantially over. I was talking with my previous violin teacher, and yeah, I'd love to switch to performance. It'd be awesome. But, I don't know if I want the violin to become my entire life, and I know it definitely would if I decided to switch to being music performance major. It's just, the job market for strign players like myself is not good right now. The salaries are continuously decreasing, and I don't see myself being so good that I'm "too good" to play in a professional symphony.... Nah. I'd probably have to be at the level I'm at right now like...5 or 6 years ago, or more maybe, haha. Yeah, it's possible that if I were to finish as a performance major that I could maybe get a job in a symphony or something. But is that really all I want in life? Do i honestly want to make the rest of my college career and potentially the rest of my work life just playing the violin? I know it must be so fun to go to orchestra rehearsal for those people instead of dressing up in a suit & tie everyday, going to a stuffy work job with desks and cubicles. However, I want to live my life, I want to not worry about, "Oh, man I only got in 5 hours of practice today I should practice later tonight to get in another 3.." . You have to want it. Frankly, it appears I don't want it that bad. It's not that i wouldn't love to be just a performer; I just really like the idea of teaching. A lot. I think I am a people person. I get along well with people, being around people, and kids. I think being a teacher would be a much more rewarding job perosnally. I also know that teaching isn't exactly the most profitable job either; but just knowing that I've inspired a student through music as all my music teachers have done for me is totally worth it.

So far, I'm starting to feel better and more uplifted from my morose depression. Thank God for writing/blogging. I already bottle up many, many feelings from day to day, and I can't imagine if I had to bottle up absolutely everything... Yikes. Writing is such an outlet for me, and it's cool to know there are people out there (YOU) that are reading my thoghts. And guess actually care to read what I have to say!

xox

30 Day Photo Challenge, Day 10

Day 10 - A Photo you Like for any Reason





The reason why I like this photo is because both my dad and I love to dance. Really everyone in my family likes to. I also like the shoes I'm wearing in this picture...I've worn them 2 times other than this time. Yep they're worn on rare occasions..
Anyway, this photo was taken a couple weeks back at one of my brother's best friend's wedding. This photo reminds me of when I was around 10 years old at the Girl Scout's Father Daughter Dance and there was a dance competition - and my dad and I won! :) We were so proud that the judges picked us out of the whole crowd. It was the twist... I guess in this case I got it from my "dad", haha.

xox

30 Day Photo Challenge, Days 7, 8, 9

Day 7 - a Picture of Your Most Treasured Item




violin.

I guess this represents two treasured items; my violin, and my mom's old clothes from the 70's.
She kept all the ones that were worth keeping, and gave most to me. I love them all, and this dress is actually one of those vintage dresses :)

Day 8 - Something I Enjoy Doing



I LOVE TO TRAVEL!!!!
I'm not really picky of who with, but anywhere foreign to explore around the world or country, anywhere - I'll love and enjoy! I'm fortunate that my parents aren't those parents that say to their kids, "Okay, Kids!! We'll be gone for about a week in Spain, then to Morocco. See you when we're back!"
No. :) My parents took us with them everywhere, to wherever they wanted to go. They wanted to "expand our horizons", that sort of thing. Which, by the way I think they accomplished?

Day 9 - a Photo of me as a Baby
...Since i'm not home, I can't do this one unfortuantely :(
The minute I visit home though, I will upload a baby picture!!

Late Night Homeworkin' & Reflectin'

For me, strangely, 11:15 at night on a weeknight was considered pretty early for me. Now ever since I started college, you'd think I'd turn into the typical college night owl - but no, no. Right now as I struggle to keep myself awake to write this God-forsaken paper, I began to reflect and compare my life now to what it used to be like living in small town of Prescott.

Even though I am essentially responsible for myself now almost completely, I feel like now that I am in college, my life is somewhat easier as well.
For instance, I don't have to wake up every morning at 7 am to take out my precious dog, Paris. I literally roll out of bed now a half hour to 20 minutes before class starts, brush my teeth, put on some clothes and jet out to class. My only "real" chores and responsibilities are school now. Of course in my mind it weighs so heavily, because all I want to do is succeed and not screw anything up. I want to stay on top of my grades, and I am proud of myself so far for being able to do so (I hope I didn't jinx myself..). In high school, academics was not a top priority for me. Not to say I was a failing grade student throughout high school; I just didn't care to get straight a's. I was more of an A's, B's, and a couple C's throughout my high school career, which I was okay with. It wasn't until my senior year that I really started to care about my academics, because it was like, "Okay, colleges are going to decline you if you don't have good grades!! GET TO IT!" So, I did. My last year of high school, I got straight a's for most the year, I think. I don't even really remember now. On top of that, I became involved in the band which was one of the best decisions I made in high school. I went back to the local dance studio and began training in dance again - not just school dance team, which is pretty easy dancing and not extremely technical. I was dancing again, and it felt so great to actually feel like I was getting better; not just dancing to put on a show.

Anyway, as I sit here in the midst of my 'busy' college life, I find myself still in my "good grade craze", which is good. I am determined tonight to stay up as late as I need to, to get this paper done. One might wonder what the prompt for this paper is? "Actual Performance realization vs. Concept of Composition in Several Cultures."
Yeah... Beats me. I'm completely in the dark on this one, which is why I'm not writing it right now. My friend and I are currently trying to help each other out by exchanging some notes over Skype. I hope that's not cheating..

To sum this up, I miss Prescott, but I'm also kindof liking this newfound freedom that I've had, that I also haven't abused like most college freshman tend to do. I am actually going to bed earlier than I did when I was in high school, and I am actually really organized! I'm proud of myself!

Well that was enough self-loving for the night I guess, haha. I should probably start writing my paper now.

Tomorrow, when I'll have a moment to myself, I'll try and update my 30 Day Challenge all in one post.

XOX<3

30 Day Photo Challenge, Day 6

Day 6 - A Person You Would Love to Trade Places with for a Day

I couldn't choose between these two, but I chose:



Conan O'Brien and......




Queen Elizabeth II!



Yeah, I know they are opposites but I couldn't choose!
Conan gets to meet awesome celebrities every single day, and everyone LOVES him. Also, The Queen of England has so many civil duties and such, and I would love to experience that.

xox

30 Day Photo Challenge, Day 5

Day 5: A Picture of Something that Makes You Laugh



This is hilarious....

I was doing improv pictures with one of my best friends Keith, and this was what he came up with for "Dirty Sock". Spur of the moment, last minute pose. SO funny!!!

xox

30 Day Photo Challenge, Day 4

Day 4: A Picture of a Place You'd Like to Visit

ahhh.....




MACHU PICCHU!!!


There is something so enchanting about this place. I think everyone can tell why I say that... HOW can you not think this is amazing?!?
Anyway, I actually have a pretty extensive list of 'places I'd want to visit', so I just chose a random one in the top 5. :)
Hopefully, you all have heard of Machu Picchu, but if not, it is an Inca site located in Peru that is just exquisite.

Here's a little history on it that I quickly pulled up from Wikipedia (hey, I still like Wiki I don't care what anyone says!)

Machu Picchu was built around 1450, at the height of the Inca Empire.[3] It was abandoned just over 100 years later, in 1572, as a belated result of the Spanish Conquest.[3][4] It is likely that most of its inhabitants died from smallpox introduced by travelers before the Spanish conquistadores arrived in the area.[citation needed] The latter had notes of a place called Piccho, although there is no record of the Spanish having visited the remote city. The types of sacred rocks defaced by the conquistadors in other locations are untouched at Machu Picchu.[4]

Hiram Bingham theorized that the complex was the traditional birthplace of the Incan "Virgins of the Suns".[5] More recent research by scholars such as John Rowe and Richard Burger, has convinced most archaeologists that Machu Picchu was an estate of the Inca emperor Pachacuti.[4] In addition, Johan Reinhard presented evidence that the site was selected because of its position relative to sacred landscape features such as its mountains, which are purported to be in alignment with key astronomical events important to the Incas.

I think this would be a lovely place to backpack around with friends, family, or with a significant other - I'm good with either and all, and hopefully I will someday!

That is a slice of heaven that picture, isn't it? I can't get over it... It must be so much more incredible in person.

xox

30 Day Photo Challenge, Day 3

Day 3: A Photo that makes you Happy





This photo me so happy, because it was such a memorable day. It is so rare to be able to have you and all your friends in a different country together... costly.

I picked this picture because it was one of my favorite days during the band London trip last year. Fortunately, my chaperoned group included only all of my friends, so we took a trip to the British Museum. The entire time, we were using our fake British accents, walking around, just talking about what ever we could for everyone to hear. It was actually pretty stupid, but it was also so hilarious. This is one of many pictures we took in the museum - this one we were just trying to act like we were asleep. The point? Not sure. Who cares!

xox

30 Day Photo Challenge, Day 2

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest




Ahh....Eydn.

Our story is kindof funny actually, since we're really the best of friends.
We met when I was 3 and she was 4 (she's almost exactly year older than me but not quite), and we didn't like each other at all!
We have gone to school together since Kindergarten, and knew each other even before that. All throughout elementary school and up through high school, we were and still are each other's best friend.

You know when you're best friends with someone..It's like even if you two haven't talked in days, when you get to converse again it's like there was no time in between. That's kindof how she and I are now since we live clear across the country from each other.

I can honestly say that, I am not sure if I would be here today if it weren't for her. I had some really, really hard times throughout my life and childhood so far, and she as been there every single time for me, to help me get through it all. I cannot express how thankful I am for this person to be in my life, and at that be such a huge part of my life.

Not only has she been there for the bad stuff, but we have shared SO many countless memories together, and experienced new things together. I think we were together for our first party, first real depression (for both of us), first heartbreaks. I remember the first person that I thought I was in loved with - one of my friends told me to get over him, and was really blunt (which it sounds bad, but I couldn't thank her more) and this friend opened up my eyes, because deep inside, all I was doing was trying to convince myself it was going my way. Anyway, when I realized that him and I were done, and I had finally come to that realization and didn't back down, I think I might've cried for almost the entire day. It may sound kindof dumb or like I'm trying make people feel sorry for myself, but really it took a huge toll on me. It was someone I basically wasted almost three years trying to make things work with, and was okay with being his 2nd choice. Am I the only one that's been through this? It was like, he only talked to me or anything when he wanted to. And at the time, or all throughout freshman-junior year, I was okay with that. I felt like, "any time is better than none at all." Wow, was I wrong.
Again back to the story and not going on a tangent again, all those hours I cried... Eydn came over. I think it was a Saturday, and she could've done anything in the world but come over to my house. It was 6 or 7 at night when she finally arrived, and we took a fleece blanket from my room and went out to my car. We put the top down, and played music in the car, looking up at the stars. It would've been totally romantic if it were with a sig. other, hahaha. Back to story... we just stayed out there for hours- probably until midnight. I was crying, basically detoxing, and she cried. Next thing we knew, we both woke up and it was almost midnight, and she had to get home.

That's always one of those memories I'll hold close in my heart because that was such a turning point in my life, and she was there to ...witness it, I guess.

So, I dedicated my photo challenge day 2 photo to my bestest friend, Eydn. The person who has seen me at my worst, best, been there for the worst and best.... my best friend. <3

30 Day Photo Challenge, Day 1

I contemplate doing things based on what other people will think alot which I guess you could say is a flaw. Maybe like, the "30 day photo challenge" that many of my friends have been participating on through facebook and through here. Usually, it's because I'm thinking, "I hope everyone doesn't think I'm just some copycat", or "I hope I'm not conforming to much to what's 'in' "... Just things like that. It's like I'm afraid to get caught up in the crowd...Is that a bad thing to admit?

With that set aside, I've been thinking for a couple weeks or so, whether or not to begin this photo challenge. For me, I had to debate this because of these alterior thoughts I had, thinking of if I want to be joining the bandwagon. I really think it's interesting, so I think once the 30 days is done, I'll just transfer every picture with the info. I think that will be less annoying to all my 964 friends on facebook to get a dumb notification on their news feed that "Tiffany has added 1 photo to her news feed" every single day for 30 days.

So, here is where I birth my 30 day photo challenge (hahah, birth.)...or where it commences!
(I also tried to pick one that seemed to have a different list than the common one that i've been seeing on facebook, but there are alot of similarities. Oh well- a list is a list!)



Day 1: A Picture of Yourself with 10 Facts


1. When I'm put on the spot, it's hard for me to defend myself most of the time because my mind goes blank, and I end up thinking of really good comebacks wayy after the fact (I'm guessing I'm not the only person that goes through this... I can't be!!)

2. I can keep a secret.
A lot of people probably wouldn't think this is an attribute I have because I'm pretty open with everyone. That's just one of the personaliy traits I guess you could call say that I pride myself in.

3. I'm easy to talk to.
I don't know why actually, but somehow I've had people I'm not that great of friends wth open up to me. Personally, I find it flattering that the person will be able to just.. open up to me, and tell me what their problems or sadness is coming from. I'm glad that I can be a person that someone can feel comfortable talking about things with.

4. I'm a hypocrite

5. I am quite the emotional person, which yeah that's not really a good thing either is it? haha. I easily cry in movies (even have during a few previews), I get scared easily during movies, I can be quick to anger.

6. I honestly think I might have paranoia.

7. I hold onto bad feelings, and I wish I could just let grudges go. As much as you can tell yourself, "there's no time in life for grudges, just move past it -move on." - yeah, I can't do that. With...certain things. It really all depends on the situation, I suppose. With some things, I'll forget about it and move on quicker than one should, but with other situations, I could waste my day thinking about it, tearing myself up. It's ridiculous.

8. I'm lovable. I love people, I love friends, I love family. I think it's rather easy for people to like me; I don't mean this in a conceited way - but I can't think of that many people that don't like me. I can think of... 2, haha.

9. I trust people easily and quickly. Actually, I think I trust people too easily. Maybe that's part of the reason why people can open up to me easily, because I tend to open myself up to them, too.

10. It's taken me awhile to think of a tenth fact about me, but I think I've found one. I'm kindof a perv. Maybe that is why the majority of my friends are boys; I'm not really sure, or maybe most of my friends are boys. Regardless, I'm a perv. I enjoy crude humor (it's my favorite, i.e. one of my favorite movies is "Anchorman"), and I make crude jokes. I'm crass, as my mom would say.


Well there is my ten facts about me. Did most of you know these about me? Or were there some where you thought, "oh that is cool/weird/sad I didn't know that..." ?

I forgot to put a picture up for 1st day of the challenge. oops




xox

Feeling Management

How is it possible, that a person can go from one happy feeling so quickly to the next?

How can I go from feeling like, "Hey- I actually look good today!" to,

"I feel like shit."

These days, I find my insecurities growing stronger as my confidence dwindles. I can't seem to hold onto my happiness, and it leaves me quickly. I find myself more often than it should be, staring at myself, pointing out all my insecurities and flaws, picking at everything I wish I could change about myself.

I used to be able to tell people there is something I like about me, but now I can't. I can't seem to muster anything.

Other than that, I struggle to find things about myself that I take pride in.  Why do I feel this way?

Am I depressed again? How does it revive itself after a few years, just out of nowhere? Why am I lacking confidence? There is something wrong with me.... I feel like anyone I come in contact with, I'm comparing them to me. Can't I just be happy with myself; can I just be content?

People are never content, and never settle. The world won't keep spinning if there isn't hope, or if there isn't some optimism or something to look forward to - something to aim for. People need goals, and I guess I have mine. Mine are just more of standards.

I'm actually done with my sad spell now I think, and I love being able to vent somewhere. I wish Eydn was here. She always knew just the right things to say to me at times like these, and wouldn't be lying asleep passed out next to me. I think I miss her more than she misses me. Afterall, I think I need her more than she needs me too as well haha. I think she understands me more than anyone, and more than anyone ever will.

I wish someone wasn't blinded by love to see what I'm really like. I'm not perfect, and I'm filled with flaws. I'm bitter, insecure, and I am not happy with myself right now, and really haven't been for a long time.

I want my insecurity to go away.

You're Dangerous...I'm Lovin' It..

Yael Naim did a cover of "Toxic" - a Britney Spears song. Personally, it's I think one of three songs I liked that Britney Spears has done.
I like Yael Naim's version better though... It's creepier!

Check it out:



Just thought I'd share a bit of creepy lovin'.
xox

Weird Weekend

My weekend went almost completely wrong!

My friends from Flagstaff were supposed to come up for the weekend (which they actually did), but we were planning on hanging out on different days, (which is my fault). I thought they'd be here on the actual Halloween, not the Saturday before Halloween. Now that I think about it, I feel dumb for thinking actual Halloween because that's a Sunday - NOT saturday!! So, that night I was supposed to go to one of Tyler's coworker's parties, but we actually ended up getting out of our costumes and strolling around Mill Ave.
Sunday, I went to Cardinals game with Tyler's family which had a bad encounter. I must've had my good shorts on, because I guess Big Bertha was causing a scene, and then Tyler called these 40-something year old men out on it. Then, his mom actually stepped in and it wasn't a scary situation anymore - it was just funny! Tyler's mom, there to save his ass! Haha! After the game anyway, we went to a Halloween party that included Trick or Treating and then "Zombieland" (surprisingly, not a bad movie!)

Haley & Jennie when you read this, SO sorry our plans didn't work out and I feel like a complete dummy, and I really wish we could have hung out because I know we would've had such a fun time. Anyway I hope plans worked out for you both down here, besides the whole thing with me hah.

So now, my dilemma has shifted over to my room: I can't find my digital camera ANYWHERE! Believe it or not, I spent about 30 minutes today looking for it, and right as I typed the first sentence of this paragraph out, I magically looked above my closet and there it was! Gosh, that was so weird. Well since I now have my camera, I can upload the pictures from Halloween.

Tyler and I did the show Dexter. He was Dexter, and I was one of his victims.
If any of you are unfamiliar with the show, he's a serial killer (but a very clean killer!) that wraps his victims in shrink wrap, cuts their right cheek for a blood sample, and then chops up their bodies! Haha, I know kindof gross - BUT it is a great show... I think everyone should watch it, but only if you're not sensitive to nudity and blood!

When my internet allows for it, I will upload pictures from Halloween (there's not many!)

I hope everyone had a great Halloween (especially Haley & Jennie xo)

And a Happy Birthday to my Dad, whose birthday was Halloween! I still feel bad I wasn't able to tag along to Tucson for his birthday.