I had the strangest dream last night. First off, the past two nights I have had a dream that I was pregnant, and then I had this like weird dilemma where I was freaking out saying, "Who's the dad?!" ... which was comical to me because in the dream I had like more partners, and in real life the answer would be real simple who knocked me up, haha. So having a pregnancy dream indicates, according to dreammoods.com, that you are in the middle of a "birth" of a new idea, project, or change in your life that you may not be willing to share with others yet which I think makes sense to me. But anyway in my dream I remember thinking, "I'm gonna be so big when I'm back to school! How am I going to FINISH school???" haha I'm just as self conscious in my dreams as I am in my waking life, it's funny to me.
So onto my weird crazy dream as if being pregnant in my dream two nights in a row wasn't crazy enough ....
This dream was really strange. I started off hanging out with this blonde girl who was ridiculously tiny and had the most adorable Louis Vuitton shoulder bag - but that's beside the point. It was raining really hard, and I was grocery shopping with my mom, dad, Tyler, and guy who thought he was baby daddy. At the check out line, guy who thinks he's baby daddy gives his card, so basically pays for my groceries; not sure if he does this out of guilt or something?? By the way, I see the doctor and find out that Tyler is baby daddy.
So the dream continues to walking out of the grocery store and now I get back to cute handbag blonde girl in my dream. Somehow my family disappears and this girl replaces them. It is raining extremely hard, and this girl and I get whisked away in the shopping cart we have (another weird thing to point out, the fact that both of us magically fit in this shopping cart, AND who is pushing us, the wind?!) into this unknown territory to where it is like we are deserted in the middle of an ocean? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm a complete nutcase, but I'm gonna continue to tell this anyway so I can read this and laugh later.
We are now on this land that looks like.. if you mixed the Sedona red mountains with like, Egypt, Star Wars looking characters, and throw in a wormhole, we somehow got transported to this place. I don't remember why now because I am trying to continue this after being awake for 13 hours, but for some reason no one here liked us and we needed to get off this planet, we'll call it. So random blonde girl and I are running through enchanted dining halls, literally SCALING mountain sides, and just being total badasses escaping these villain people. And the thing I hate about dreams is that you can't run as fast as you want and it is SO frustrating.
I've skipped some pretty crucial plot details, not like that is an excuse to make this sound any less Looney of a dream than it already does or anything. But I'll continue.
So we are escaping, running away from the Star Wars lookalike characters and blonde girl at some point in my head has morphed into my best friend Eydn. Oh, and by the way I think I am NOT pregnant anymore at this point in the dream. Eydn and I are now jumping high into the sky, still scaling crazy high mountains and crawling up walls to escape this planet, and Eydn exclaims "we have to find the wormhole that brought us here! And, then magically we are standing over a mini waterfall that leads to a lower leveled high class swimming pool and I say, "Eydn, the wormhole is the water! We have to double backflip (WTF?!) into the water and we will be miraculously transported back to the shady, rainy parking lot of Wal Mart!" and this is funny, but I think the dialogue was that direct in my dream, too.
So once we went down a few levels of swimming pools and jagged creeks, we made our way to a big cliff with beautiful big waves and an ocean ahead - clearly the wormhole. So I go first, and I double backflip into this unknown water and it didn't transport me or anything, it just made me immune. Like the Star Wars villains couldn't do anything to me, now that I flipped into the ocean ahead. Eydn jumped in, but freaked because she didn't know how to backflip. So I literally had to hold her body and make her backflip. Next thing you know, she says "I'm at Ross! (while still in my presence in the 5 Ft deep ocean) and I say AWESOME ME TOO! And then we were transported into a game of Red Rover with all the people we thought were annoying from high school.
So, that's the end of my dream. I dream all the time and I should really write them down more often because it sounds so hilarious to me now that I am typing this all out.
And as I normally do, I'll pick a few things to "interpret" via dreammoods.com in their Dictionary section.
I'll do ocean first.
For ocean, it basically said that if the ocean is rough (which it had some white caps, yes) then it means I am dealing with some emotional turmoil in my life right now and I am doing best to handle life's ups and downs... Okay. So why am I backflipping into it????
So, leading to the next word, Flip.
Apparently to see something flipping signifies excitement.. and if I am flipping something, that could possibly indicate that I am feeling regret or be a pun on driving someone mad/crazy, aka 'flipped out'. Hmmm.
Next one I thought of was Rain, because I saw a lot of it in my dream.
Ok, so it could mean forgiveness and grace? Or a metaphor for rears, crying and sadness. Ok that sounds more accurate to life right now. It can also symbolize fertility and renewal. Gosh, first pregnancy now fertility?! I promise this is not the stage of my life I want to be in! Haha.
Well I think it is about time to retire to bed, I have had a long day and am curious to see what I dream about tonight after this long day I've had full of emotions. I looked through old pictures today and all I can say is, I wish I had a biiiiiig heart shaped cookie right about now.
Xox
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Thought I'd Share This
“What makes us leave what we love best?
What is it inside us that keeps erasing itself
When we need it most,
That sends us into uncertainty for its own sake
And holds us flush there
until we begin to love it
And have to begin again?
What is it within our own lives we decline to live
Whenever we find it,
making our days unendurable,
And nights almost visionless?
I still don't know yet, but I do it.”
― Charles Wright
What is it inside us that keeps erasing itself
When we need it most,
That sends us into uncertainty for its own sake
And holds us flush there
until we begin to love it
And have to begin again?
What is it within our own lives we decline to live
Whenever we find it,
making our days unendurable,
And nights almost visionless?
I still don't know yet, but I do it.”
― Charles Wright
Saturday, June 29, 2013
21 Things
Well, I finally turned 21. June 21st. The summer solstice, golden birthday, yada yada. It was really memorable. I think if I can try, I'm going to just list 21 things I have learned, or feel necessary to include in a list of "21 Things".
21) Beta Blockers are my new best friend
20) 5 drinks is probably my max.
19) I am a better friend than my friends are to me.
Okay, it sounds self-absorbed but REALLY. I truly do feel this way. It was like pulling teeth trying to get friends to celebrate my birthday with me - with the exception of Eydn and Tyler. My good friend Jose and I got dinner the night after and I met up with some Phoenix friends. The day after that, Tyler took me racecar driving, a movie, and shopping. It was a pretty good birthday weekend.
18) I feel such relief not having to be "Michelle" when I go out now! I can just approach the bouncer, smile, and know it's me. WAHOO!!
17) Dancing did my body so much good throughout my life. It's a shame I didn't stick with it more.
16) I have the mood swings of a 3 year old on pixie sticks.
15) I am very uncertain where I will be in a year. Everyone kind of is, aren't they though.
14) I contemplate my purpose in the world almost everyday now. I also contemplate how wonderful it would be to pursue fame.
13) I am gonna get my chest done. In a year or two.
12) I am incredibly thankful to have the parents I have. They are those "Drop everything for anyone" kind of people, and they really are just incredibly generous people. I wanna be like them when I grow up.
11) I have become very accustomed to all things country these past 6 months. And I am LOVING it!!!
10) ..Adding 2-stepping to #11. It's so fun..so easy.
9) I want to run a marathon someday.
8) Online shopping has become quite an addiction this past year..
7) There's a song I only work on when I am home and usually work on for maybe an hour every few months or so. That piece is Clair de Lune by Debussy.
6) Prescott, AZ is like the new China - they are just poppin out babies everywhere around here. It must be something in this Northern Arizona water.
5) I went to a baby shower yesterday and got major baby fever. Thank you birth control, and the fact that I am 21 and that is not something I want right now in life, despite what I think of when I see all those adorable baby shoes and baby clothing in the moment.
4) I became a god mother this year! She's not my niece, but it seriously feels like it. her name is Maria Amanda. Cutest Pinoy baby EVER!! Speaking of Pinoy...
3)...I want to visit the Philippines next summer and see my family. I miss them all so much, and I love the Philippines. It's nice to know I have family.
2) I always wonder what it'll be like to be a mom, or an Aunt. And seeing how my parents will be. And with my friend having a baby, I can see just how crazy-pants my mom might get! Haha - in a good way of course.
1) I am so so so so thankful. For everyone in my life and the life I have. Those of you who are in my life, you know who you are and why I am so thankful for you.
21) Beta Blockers are my new best friend
20) 5 drinks is probably my max.
19) I am a better friend than my friends are to me.
Okay, it sounds self-absorbed but REALLY. I truly do feel this way. It was like pulling teeth trying to get friends to celebrate my birthday with me - with the exception of Eydn and Tyler. My good friend Jose and I got dinner the night after and I met up with some Phoenix friends. The day after that, Tyler took me racecar driving, a movie, and shopping. It was a pretty good birthday weekend.
18) I feel such relief not having to be "Michelle" when I go out now! I can just approach the bouncer, smile, and know it's me. WAHOO!!
17) Dancing did my body so much good throughout my life. It's a shame I didn't stick with it more.
16) I have the mood swings of a 3 year old on pixie sticks.
15) I am very uncertain where I will be in a year. Everyone kind of is, aren't they though.
14) I contemplate my purpose in the world almost everyday now. I also contemplate how wonderful it would be to pursue fame.
13) I am gonna get my chest done. In a year or two.
12) I am incredibly thankful to have the parents I have. They are those "Drop everything for anyone" kind of people, and they really are just incredibly generous people. I wanna be like them when I grow up.
11) I have become very accustomed to all things country these past 6 months. And I am LOVING it!!!
10) ..Adding 2-stepping to #11. It's so fun..so easy.
9) I want to run a marathon someday.
8) Online shopping has become quite an addiction this past year..
7) There's a song I only work on when I am home and usually work on for maybe an hour every few months or so. That piece is Clair de Lune by Debussy.
6) Prescott, AZ is like the new China - they are just poppin out babies everywhere around here. It must be something in this Northern Arizona water.
5) I went to a baby shower yesterday and got major baby fever. Thank you birth control, and the fact that I am 21 and that is not something I want right now in life, despite what I think of when I see all those adorable baby shoes and baby clothing in the moment.
4) I became a god mother this year! She's not my niece, but it seriously feels like it. her name is Maria Amanda. Cutest Pinoy baby EVER!! Speaking of Pinoy...
3)...I want to visit the Philippines next summer and see my family. I miss them all so much, and I love the Philippines. It's nice to know I have family.
2) I always wonder what it'll be like to be a mom, or an Aunt. And seeing how my parents will be. And with my friend having a baby, I can see just how crazy-pants my mom might get! Haha - in a good way of course.
1) I am so so so so thankful. For everyone in my life and the life I have. Those of you who are in my life, you know who you are and why I am so thankful for you.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Almost Speechless
I will only know how I feel at this exact moment; almost midnight, just have left starbucks parking lot.
Seeing the movie American Reunion tonight- watching the characters reminisce on high school memories and old high school flames got me thinking... I am still on my "old" high school flame. I have a high school sweet heart. Just seeing that after almost 11 years these couples had seen each other again and those feelings started up again ... brought back my insecurities. Is that what I would have to hope doesn't happen to the person I care about if they were ever going to run into a first love? an old flame? of course it brought back my insecurities, and I am going to partially blame it on my anxiety medication because I have certainly not been taking it religiously.
Having a bad lesson always affects like your entire week.
These past couple weeks have been somewhat of a blur. I've been through a lot; actually I've just thought of a lot. I've done lots of reflecting... a lot of good thinking. Is this what I want? Where was it before?
I can only think to myself that the only logical thing to do at this point was to find our own separate identities again. Find what kindled that flame in the first place.
To mention what's been going on in my life, just hanging out with the same old friends, still in a little mental rut but I am hoping to overcome it once school is out.
I wish I had more to say.
Seeing the movie American Reunion tonight- watching the characters reminisce on high school memories and old high school flames got me thinking... I am still on my "old" high school flame. I have a high school sweet heart. Just seeing that after almost 11 years these couples had seen each other again and those feelings started up again ... brought back my insecurities. Is that what I would have to hope doesn't happen to the person I care about if they were ever going to run into a first love? an old flame? of course it brought back my insecurities, and I am going to partially blame it on my anxiety medication because I have certainly not been taking it religiously.
Having a bad lesson always affects like your entire week.
These past couple weeks have been somewhat of a blur. I've been through a lot; actually I've just thought of a lot. I've done lots of reflecting... a lot of good thinking. Is this what I want? Where was it before?
I can only think to myself that the only logical thing to do at this point was to find our own separate identities again. Find what kindled that flame in the first place.
To mention what's been going on in my life, just hanging out with the same old friends, still in a little mental rut but I am hoping to overcome it once school is out.
I wish I had more to say.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Inside Out
Imagine you have had a best friend. You are a certain way with this person; sometimes when you're together it's as if you two are speaking a completely different language, because you understand each other both to the point where not many words are needed. What would you feel like if months later, somehow you met up with your best friend, and things were different. You could see from the ouside how you two used to be. That your best friend was that way now with someone else. You watched as they talked about how their lives are, how they go about days, cracking up about things that remind them of stuff they've done. You just sit there, almost dazed because you can't believe what you're seeing. You just stay quiet and watch, and just observe.
I guess people grow apart, but I never thought I would grow apart from her. Ever. I never thought one day I would be bugging her if she wants to live with me and be roommmates. Bugging. Nagging. She was always one of the few consistent things i had in my life up until about 3 or 4 months ago. It's never been the same, and I don't think it ever will be. I can try as hard as I possibly can to think it is, and act like it is, but it's not. You can't force something like that, and I guess it is one of those things where you just have to face it and know that people move on and people grow apart. I can move on, I can. I have a new circle of friends that are just ... hilarious. I love hanging out with them. But it doesn't mean that at some points you'll think, "wow, she'd get along perfectly with them." or, "she really needs to meet them." But what do you do when you feel weird even nagging to see if she can visit?
As I sit here in Hawaii, I thought to myself of all the friends I would love to bring here with me. How much fun we would all have. I would love to bring them here. but, what can you do. I am going to go on a walk now. Yep. Take some pictures of this beautiful big island and enjoy it as much as I can the rest of the week! After all, how often do you get to come to Hawaii? Me, not often.
xox
I guess people grow apart, but I never thought I would grow apart from her. Ever. I never thought one day I would be bugging her if she wants to live with me and be roommmates. Bugging. Nagging. She was always one of the few consistent things i had in my life up until about 3 or 4 months ago. It's never been the same, and I don't think it ever will be. I can try as hard as I possibly can to think it is, and act like it is, but it's not. You can't force something like that, and I guess it is one of those things where you just have to face it and know that people move on and people grow apart. I can move on, I can. I have a new circle of friends that are just ... hilarious. I love hanging out with them. But it doesn't mean that at some points you'll think, "wow, she'd get along perfectly with them." or, "she really needs to meet them." But what do you do when you feel weird even nagging to see if she can visit?
As I sit here in Hawaii, I thought to myself of all the friends I would love to bring here with me. How much fun we would all have. I would love to bring them here. but, what can you do. I am going to go on a walk now. Yep. Take some pictures of this beautiful big island and enjoy it as much as I can the rest of the week! After all, how often do you get to come to Hawaii? Me, not often.
xox
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Week 1 at Starbucks
SO much has happened in one week I can't even cover it all I don't think! Overall, I am so glad to be working with the people that I do. You can tell all of them were hired for some reason. Can I just say that gays make your day better? Always? Of course, the two people I talk to really the most or I feel most comfortable around are leaving in a month. Sad!
So far I have learned the three basic drinks that all starbucks drinks are made of. All the drinks are made the same pretty much from those three drinks, just with different syrups it turns out. Lotsa sugar!!!
I got to do drive through today, so it got really, really crazy. A drink order got messed up (not sure whose fault it was, probably mine or someone else on register) but that held us back like 3 minutes in the drive through, and a customer actually started beeping their horn! It might've been two customers. I got scared, haha. It's just so stressful and there is so many things to remember. I feel slightly overwhelmed, however I am hoping it will become easier with time. I just don't know how much time I have to adjust... everyone is so knowledgeable and quick that I am having a hard time keeping up! haha. Oh well, ya live and you learn.
The hours have been kinda rough, I get up at 3:30. but hey I gotta do what I have to if I want to go to Italy this summer!
Anyway that's about it. I also make myself my own drinks at break, boy is that nice to customize it just the way I want!
xox
So far I have learned the three basic drinks that all starbucks drinks are made of. All the drinks are made the same pretty much from those three drinks, just with different syrups it turns out. Lotsa sugar!!!
I got to do drive through today, so it got really, really crazy. A drink order got messed up (not sure whose fault it was, probably mine or someone else on register) but that held us back like 3 minutes in the drive through, and a customer actually started beeping their horn! It might've been two customers. I got scared, haha. It's just so stressful and there is so many things to remember. I feel slightly overwhelmed, however I am hoping it will become easier with time. I just don't know how much time I have to adjust... everyone is so knowledgeable and quick that I am having a hard time keeping up! haha. Oh well, ya live and you learn.
The hours have been kinda rough, I get up at 3:30. but hey I gotta do what I have to if I want to go to Italy this summer!
Anyway that's about it. I also make myself my own drinks at break, boy is that nice to customize it just the way I want!
xox
Sunday, December 25, 2011
A Typical Holiday
So if you have been reading my blog for a while, you would know what a typical family Christmas is in my house. I don't even need to explain, maybe just type in generic search words in my blog like, "Christmas", or "Easter", or birthday. Anything. Oooh, here's a good one. "Thanksgiving". that one I am sure a good story will pop up.
You know what's the worst part? When my whole family is turning on me, my boyfriend can't even stand up for me. THAT, indeed is sad. You know who was there for me? Someone else's boyfriend. How messed up is that. My sister's boyfriend. Of all people; someone who (mutually) had stopped communication with for a while because of certain stuff, was there for me. Of ALL people. I mean, he is obviously like a brother to me.
Not even getting high could make me feel better. I have never felt so alone as I did today. I will admit, being around Tyler's family made me feel a ton better ( I left my house early today because I was going back to Tempe. I really did not want to be around my family at that moment ...yes my fam can be that disfunctional).
As I come home for dinner (my family wanted me back home for dinner apparently), shit was still going on. I was still being picked on. I didn't even know this, but my sister told me that earlier that day my brother was saying how he hates seeing people (me) being bullied by the rest of my family. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. To know someone in my family still cared to stand up for what they knew was obviously right was really refreshing. I seriously feel like I get bullied every holiday. Usually my brother doesn't say anything, but he did this time, and for that I am thankful. And now I just feel bad because my sister is mad at her boyfriend because he was comforting me. God, I can never win. I swear. It's not even about winning; I just wanted to be happy on a fucking holiday. I honestly for once just want to feel that no matter what someone is going to support me. Is that too much to ask for?
You know what's the worst part? When my whole family is turning on me, my boyfriend can't even stand up for me. THAT, indeed is sad. You know who was there for me? Someone else's boyfriend. How messed up is that. My sister's boyfriend. Of all people; someone who (mutually) had stopped communication with for a while because of certain stuff, was there for me. Of ALL people. I mean, he is obviously like a brother to me.
Not even getting high could make me feel better. I have never felt so alone as I did today. I will admit, being around Tyler's family made me feel a ton better ( I left my house early today because I was going back to Tempe. I really did not want to be around my family at that moment ...yes my fam can be that disfunctional).
As I come home for dinner (my family wanted me back home for dinner apparently), shit was still going on. I was still being picked on. I didn't even know this, but my sister told me that earlier that day my brother was saying how he hates seeing people (me) being bullied by the rest of my family. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. To know someone in my family still cared to stand up for what they knew was obviously right was really refreshing. I seriously feel like I get bullied every holiday. Usually my brother doesn't say anything, but he did this time, and for that I am thankful. And now I just feel bad because my sister is mad at her boyfriend because he was comforting me. God, I can never win. I swear. It's not even about winning; I just wanted to be happy on a fucking holiday. I honestly for once just want to feel that no matter what someone is going to support me. Is that too much to ask for?
Saturday, December 10, 2011
First Recital
My students had their first recital today! It was kindof a mess; one of my students didn't show up. One didn't start on her cue, and the other.. oh well. He was just adorable. He completely froze on stage, and I tried to get him to just play for me instead of the crowd, but he couldn't do it. He walked off stage crying, and I was able to get him to play after the person that was supposed to play after him. I was so proud of him! I felt proud of myself too because I started to panic. Majorly. I started to look at him like, Okay, start! (we were doing a duet). but ... He wouldn't . He stood there, staring at the audience, like he was in shock that he was on stage. He started to say, "my violin doesn't sound right." "let me start over that was a terrible start." and I just stayed patient because I think I know more than most people what horrible nerves is like! Anyway, he started to look at me, and then I stood in front of his stand and said, "just play for me. no one else, just me." And he still couldn't do it. He went off stage, and I was able to coax him into playing after the person that was on stage currently. He did it! He wanted to sit down, but he did it! I was so unbelievable happy and proud of him. I am proud of all my students today. Ah, the life of a teacher! :-)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Drax
Please pray for my baby Drax. He went into the Tucson animal hospital today because he is having weird breathing problems and is very sick.
Please get better baby.
<3
xox
Please get better baby.
<3
xox
Dream Interpretation, No. 5
Okay, for the past couple weeks I keep having dreams with puppies in them. Last night, I found a puppy on a rock and its tail was caught underneath a rock... by an ocean. WTF?! The other night, I had a dream with a whole litter of puppies. So, it's time to see why I keep thinking of adorable puppies.
Puppy
To see a puppy in your dream symbolizes your playfulness and carefree nature. It also refers to a blossoming friendship. If you are taking care of a puppy, then it means that you are reliable and trustworthy. Others can depend on you, especially during difficult times.
To see a litter of newborn puppies in your dream is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.
via dreammoods.com
Blossoming friendship? I haven't really made any new friends. I guess I used to have a carefree nature... Around most people I do I think still.
Intimacy
To dream about an intimate issue relates to your sexual identity. Perhaps something is lacking in your personal relationship. You are feeling unsatisfied or something is missing in your relationship. It is important to remember that a healthy relationship takes work. Thus your dream may be trying to help you resolve the some issue at hand.
I keep having dreams where I am intimate with someone, and it's not usually my boyfriend. I mean, nothing gross and dirty, but - it's still there.
Well this definitely applies. I have definitely been feeling a lost, and especially after last night I really feel lost. I don't even know what to do. I am just trying to move on I guess. I think it's for the best. I wonder if these dreams will go away after today.. or something.
I just have to focus on school right now. Juries. violin. I can do it. I think.
xox
Puppy
To see a puppy in your dream symbolizes your playfulness and carefree nature. It also refers to a blossoming friendship. If you are taking care of a puppy, then it means that you are reliable and trustworthy. Others can depend on you, especially during difficult times.
To see a litter of newborn puppies in your dream is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.
via dreammoods.com
Blossoming friendship? I haven't really made any new friends. I guess I used to have a carefree nature... Around most people I do I think still.
Intimacy
To dream about an intimate issue relates to your sexual identity. Perhaps something is lacking in your personal relationship. You are feeling unsatisfied or something is missing in your relationship. It is important to remember that a healthy relationship takes work. Thus your dream may be trying to help you resolve the some issue at hand.
I keep having dreams where I am intimate with someone, and it's not usually my boyfriend. I mean, nothing gross and dirty, but - it's still there.
Well this definitely applies. I have definitely been feeling a lost, and especially after last night I really feel lost. I don't even know what to do. I am just trying to move on I guess. I think it's for the best. I wonder if these dreams will go away after today.. or something.
I just have to focus on school right now. Juries. violin. I can do it. I think.
xox
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