21 Things

Well, I finally turned 21. June 21st. The summer solstice, golden birthday, yada yada. It was really memorable. I think if I can try, I'm going to just list 21 things I have learned, or feel necessary to include in a list of "21 Things".


21) Beta Blockers are my new best friend

20) 5 drinks is probably my max.


19) I am a better friend than my friends are to me.
               Okay, it sounds self-absorbed   but REALLY. I truly do feel this way. It was like pulling   teeth trying to get friends to celebrate my birthday with me - with the exception of Eydn and Tyler. My good friend Jose and I got dinner the night after and I met up with some Phoenix friends. The day after that, Tyler took me racecar driving, a movie, and shopping. It was a pretty good birthday weekend.

18) I feel such relief not having to be "Michelle" when I go out now! I can just approach the bouncer, smile, and know it's me. WAHOO!!

17) Dancing did my body so much good throughout my life. It's a shame I didn't stick with it more.

16) I have the mood swings of a 3 year old on pixie sticks.

15) I am very uncertain where I will be in a year. Everyone kind of is, aren't they though.

14) I contemplate my purpose in the world almost everyday now. I also contemplate how wonderful it would be to pursue fame.

13) I am gonna get my chest done. In a year or two.

12) I am incredibly thankful to have the parents I have. They are those "Drop everything for anyone" kind of people, and they really are just incredibly generous people. I wanna be like them when I grow up.

11) I have become very accustomed to all things country these past 6 months. And I am LOVING it!!!

10) ..Adding 2-stepping to #11. It's so fun..so easy.

9) I want to run a marathon someday.

8) Online shopping has become quite an addiction this past year..

7) There's a song I only work on when I am home and usually work on for maybe an hour every few months or so. That piece is Clair de Lune by Debussy.

6) Prescott, AZ is like the new China - they are just poppin out babies everywhere around here. It must be something in this Northern Arizona water.

5) I went to a baby shower yesterday and got major baby fever. Thank you birth control, and the fact that I am 21 and that is not something I want right now in life, despite what I think of when I see all those adorable baby shoes and baby clothing in the moment.

4) I became a god mother this year! She's not my niece, but it seriously feels like it. her name is Maria Amanda. Cutest Pinoy baby EVER!!  Speaking of Pinoy...

3)...I want to visit the Philippines next summer and see my family. I miss them all so much, and I love the Philippines. It's nice to know I have family.

2) I always wonder what it'll be like to be a mom, or an Aunt. And seeing how my parents will be. And with my friend having a baby, I can see just how crazy-pants my mom might get! Haha - in a good way of course.

1) I am so so so so thankful. For everyone in my life and the life I have. Those of you who are in my life, you know who you are and why I am so thankful for you.

Almost Speechless

I will only know how I feel at this exact moment; almost midnight, just have left starbucks parking lot.

Seeing the movie American Reunion tonight- watching the characters reminisce on high school memories and old high school flames got me thinking... I am still on my "old" high school flame. I have a high school sweet heart. Just seeing that after almost 11 years these couples had seen each other again and those feelings started up again ... brought back my insecurities. Is that what I would have to hope doesn't happen to the person I care about if they were ever going to run into a first love? an old flame? of course it brought back my insecurities, and I am going to partially blame it on my anxiety medication because I have certainly not been taking it religiously.

Having a bad lesson always affects like your entire week.

These past couple weeks have been somewhat of a blur. I've been through a lot; actually I've just thought of a lot. I've done lots of reflecting... a lot of good thinking. Is this what I want? Where was it before?


I can only think to myself that the only logical thing to do at this point was to find our own separate identities again. Find what kindled that flame in the first place.


To mention what's been going on in my life, just hanging out with the same old friends, still in a little mental rut but I am hoping to overcome it once school is out.


I wish I had more to say.

Inside Out

Imagine you have had a best friend. You are a certain way with this person; sometimes when you're together it's as if you two are speaking a completely different language, because you understand each other both to the point where not many words are needed. What would you feel like if months later, somehow you met up with your best friend, and things were different. You could see from the ouside how you two used to be. That your best friend was that way now with someone else. You watched as they talked about how their lives are, how they go about days, cracking up about things that remind them of stuff they've done. You just sit there, almost dazed because you can't believe what you're seeing. You just stay quiet and watch, and just observe.

I guess people grow apart, but I never thought I would grow apart from her. Ever. I never thought one day I would be bugging her if she wants to live with me and be roommmates. Bugging. Nagging. She was always one of the few consistent things i had in my life up until about 3 or 4 months ago. It's never been the same, and I don't think it ever will be. I can try as hard as I possibly can to think it is, and act like it is, but it's not. You can't force something like that, and I guess it is one of those things where you just have to face it and know that people move on and people grow apart. I can move on, I can. I have a new circle of friends that are just ... hilarious. I love hanging out with them. But it doesn't mean that at some points you'll think, "wow, she'd get along perfectly with them." or, "she really needs to meet them." But what do you do when you feel weird even nagging to see if she can visit?

As I sit here in Hawaii, I thought to myself of all the friends I would love to bring here with me. How much fun we would all have. I would love to bring them here. but, what can you do. I am going to go on a walk now. Yep. Take some pictures of this beautiful big island and enjoy it as much as I can the rest of the week! After all, how often do you get to come to Hawaii? Me, not often.



xox

Week 1 at Starbucks

SO much has happened in one week I can't even cover it all I don't think! Overall, I am so glad to be working with the people that I do. You can tell all of them were hired for some reason. Can I just say that gays make your day better? Always? Of course, the two people I talk to really the most or I feel most comfortable around are leaving in a month. Sad!

So far I have learned the three basic drinks that all starbucks drinks are made of. All the drinks are made the same pretty much from those three drinks, just with different syrups it turns out. Lotsa sugar!!!

I got to do drive through today, so it got really, really crazy. A drink order got messed up (not sure whose fault it was, probably mine or someone else on register) but that held us back like 3 minutes in the drive through, and a customer actually started beeping their horn! It might've been two customers. I got scared, haha. It's just so stressful and there is so many things to remember. I feel slightly overwhelmed, however I am hoping it will become easier with time. I just don't know how much time I have to adjust... everyone is so knowledgeable and quick that I am having a hard time keeping up! haha. Oh well, ya live and you learn.

The hours have been kinda rough, I get up at 3:30. but hey I gotta do what I have to if I want to go to Italy this summer!

Anyway that's about it. I also make myself my own drinks at break, boy is that nice to customize it just the way I want!


xox

A Typical Holiday

So if you have been reading my blog for a while, you would know what a typical family Christmas is in my house. I don't even need to explain, maybe just type in generic search words in my blog like, "Christmas", or "Easter", or birthday. Anything. Oooh, here's a good one. "Thanksgiving". that one I am sure a good story will pop up.


You know what's the worst part? When my whole family is turning on me, my boyfriend can't even stand up for me. THAT, indeed is sad. You know who was there for me? Someone else's boyfriend. How messed up is that. My sister's boyfriend. Of all people; someone who (mutually) had stopped communication with for a while because of certain stuff, was there for me. Of ALL people. I mean, he is obviously like a brother to me.

Not even getting high could make me feel better. I have never felt so alone as I did today. I will admit, being around Tyler's family made me feel a ton better ( I left my house early today because I was going back to Tempe. I really did not want to be around my family at that moment ...yes my fam can be that disfunctional).
As I come home for dinner (my family wanted me back home for dinner apparently), shit was still going on. I was still being picked on. I didn't even know this, but my sister told me that earlier that day my brother was saying how he hates seeing people (me) being bullied by the rest of my family. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. To know someone in my family still cared to stand up for what they knew was obviously right was really refreshing. I seriously feel like I get bullied every holiday. Usually my brother doesn't say anything, but he did this time, and for that I am thankful. And now I just feel bad because my sister is mad at her boyfriend because he was comforting me. God, I can never win. I swear. It's not even about winning; I just wanted to be happy on a fucking holiday. I honestly for once just want to feel that no matter what someone is going to support me. Is that too much to ask for?

First Recital

My students had their first recital today! It was kindof a mess; one of my students didn't show up. One didn't start on her cue, and the other.. oh well. He was just adorable. He completely froze on stage, and I tried to get him to just play for me instead of the crowd, but he couldn't do it. He walked off stage crying, and I was able to get him to play after the person that was supposed to play after him. I was so proud of him! I felt proud of myself too because I started to panic. Majorly. I started to look at him like, Okay, start! (we were doing a duet). but ... He wouldn't . He stood there, staring at the audience, like he was in shock that he was on stage. He started to say, "my violin doesn't sound right." "let me start over that was a terrible start." and I just stayed patient because I think I know more than most people what horrible nerves is like! Anyway, he started to look at me, and then I stood in front of his stand and said, "just play for me. no one else, just me." And he still couldn't do it. He went off stage, and I was able to coax him into playing after the person that was on stage currently. He did it! He wanted to sit down, but he did it! I was so unbelievable happy and proud of him. I am proud of all my students today. Ah, the life of a teacher! :-)

Drax

Please pray for my baby Drax. He went into the Tucson animal hospital today because he is having weird breathing problems and is very sick.

Please get better baby.


<3

xox

Dream Interpretation, No. 5

Okay, for the past couple weeks I keep having dreams with puppies in them. Last night, I found a puppy on a rock and its tail was caught underneath a rock... by an ocean. WTF?! The other night, I had a dream with a whole litter of puppies. So, it's time to see why I keep thinking of adorable puppies.


Puppy

To see a puppy in your dream symbolizes your playfulness and carefree nature. It also refers to a blossoming friendship. If you are taking care of a puppy, then it means that you are reliable and trustworthy. Others can depend on you, especially during difficult times.

To see a litter of newborn puppies in your dream is indicative of the amount of time that an idea has been developing or will take to develop. Look to the number of puppies to give you that approximate amount of time.

via dreammoods.com


Blossoming friendship? I haven't really made any new friends. I guess I used to have a carefree nature... Around most people I do I think still.

Intimacy

To dream about an intimate issue relates to your sexual identity. Perhaps something is lacking in your personal relationship. You are feeling unsatisfied or something is missing in your relationship. It is important to remember that a healthy relationship takes work. Thus your dream may be trying to help you resolve the some issue at hand.


I keep having dreams where I am intimate with someone, and it's not usually my boyfriend. I mean, nothing gross and dirty, but - it's still there.
Well this definitely applies. I have definitely been feeling a lost, and especially after last night I really feel lost. I don't even know what to do. I am just trying to move on I guess. I think it's for the best. I wonder if these dreams will go away after today.. or something.


I just have to focus on school right now. Juries. violin. I can do it. I think.

xox

Busiest 2 Weeks of My Life

The title is pretty self explanatory... WOW! What a 2 weeks. It's been absolutely ridiculous. Violin lessons, TEACHING violin lessons, Brentano String Quartet.. HOMEWORK!!!


As far as getting busier, I am taking on an extra 2 students. A teacher backed out at last minute and I decided, hey! I can take these kids! haha. So whoop-di-do... that's an extra $8. haha. I probably shouldn't discuss money on here. Oops.

I am trying to think of everything that's been going on the past month. I've been hanging out with a lot with Phi and Tehvon, probably my two closest friends here in school. We've hung out together pretty much every weekend. An incident happened on Halloween weekend and now I'm kindof in this awkward situation with one of them, but hopefully it blows over after an apology.

Tyler visits tomorrow. I've been really complacent lately, and I think I just need to see him. I've been off, for a few reasons, but all in all I just need to see him. Hopefully things get better.



pictures from recent events:



Halloween Weekend - I was Cassandra from Wayne's World.



playing the Samuel Barber Violin Concerto, mvt. 1 at my Studio Recital at the beginning of the month.



I've gotten quite into Latin Ballroom!



my first Wedding gig :)



xox

Anxiety Month 1

It's been a little over a month now that I have been taking the antidepressant. My doctor upped my dosage double from the month before, and ugh. Bad idea.

Improvements:

- Performance Anxiety before doubling
- OCD

UH OH's:

- Too relaxed when I perform now (so, the dose needs to go back down to 25)
- headaches everyday


I am really liking where the medication is helping me get though. I can play violin for my teacher like I've been wanting to for literally like a year, and I am not thinking about stupid obsessive, compulsive things that I shouldn't even think about. yeah, it still happens from time to time, but it's not a constant every day thing, and it will only get better :)


Another downside though, with the doubling, I've been having random mood swings, like how a girl acts before her period, haha. The other day, I had a crying fit mixed with just overwhelming stress. It was a major detox, and then I just crashed for 3 and a half hours. I noticed I am also more tired these days as well...


We'll see how I improve by next month!