Temporary

It has been SO long since I have written. So much as happened. While this tends to be most of my negative thoughts, that is partially why I haven't been writing. I think I went through some of the roughest depression I have gone through in a very, very long time these past three months. I didn't really realize it was happening until I wasn't enjoying dancing anymore, or wanting to see anyone. I was like, what is wrong with me? I love people. I love making people smile.

Because I didn't want to feed my negative side, I avoided writing my feelings - they were literally all negative. And really a lot of them still are. But I want to focus on the positive ones.

I've started writing my notes to people before 5776 ends, and it's going fairly well. I've already written two. Probably the most surprising one is to my ex. The most recent one. I just feel like there is this need to write him, to keep moving forward. I started writing it on my phone today at the school event I was working, and I found myself feeling my eyes beginning to water - in the middle of a crazy laser tag game might I add. No one had any idea because it was so dark out, but I found it profoundly meaningful writing must be for me to be completely immersed in what I was writing, surrounded by beeping sounds, lasers and children screaming literally around me. It all went away because I was writing, and I remembered that is why I enjoyed writing in the first place. It was a release, and should continue to be.

I have met some interesting folks these past few months, I've grown closer to my friend/coworker Sara, and I have almost completely stopped talking to my rabbi - so he is one of my people I am writing a Rosh Hashanah note to.

Most recently, I have been feeling down about dating and this whole life ahead of me. It's scary putting yourself out there, but I just keep telling myself that cheesy quote that every girl quotes: Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one's listening, and love like you've never been hurt - or something along those lines. The last part of that has been my mantra the past few days.

I recently connected with a guy from high school and he may or may not have completely ghosted me. What an ass. But I guess I had it coming to me. I have done that to so many people unfortunately.

All in all, I realize in these months of grieving and feeling down on myself that I have so much to offer to this world, my family, other kids, to my own family someday, someone else. That I cannot be that crabby person anymore. It's not me. So I'm hoping these notes to various people help me through it, and starting to write on this again will.
I also do realize that now that I am alone and have been fine being single, that I actually do prefer to be in a relationship. Yes, with someone in particular - I actually feel this less as I'm writing it , less than I did even days ago---WHICH partially relates to me having talked to this one guy who totally took my attention for a week.

Anyway, I'm alive. I'm okay. This is only temporary,  I tell myself.