Changes

It's been so long since I've written. It's not that I didn't think about it; I've been avoiding it. Because I knew I was always going to be writing about the same thing.

It's been almost seven months since we broke up, and I still find myself thinking in my head that he is the person for me, just not now. After spending time with him (obviously not the right thing to do) last weekend, I had the exact same nightmare every day this week. It was always him with someone else, in the early stage of being interested in someone else, and then eventually by the end of the dream they would kiss or something and it was just the worst feeling .Every. freaking. night.

I kept waking up so sad, like why now?  I know it's because we saw each other.

I have a lot going for me, and I just have to stay focused.  We have hung out and/or have had long talks three times in the past three months. It's been like a relapse. I finally had to ask what he wants, because I can't keep doing this. I hate that it is so easy to still love him. Even after he broke my heart.  Why do I keep doing this?

I need to remind myself that it isn't good for me, even if it feels like it. That was one of the worst realizations; spending shabbat with him and dancing the night before last weekend was the most whole I have felt in months. It was sad to realize that. He still today is the only thing that will make me feel whole.

I hate that I need to let him go and experience life and everything. Without me.  I know I have to let him be with other people, and people always tell me "Why do you want to be with someone that let you go"
Good question. I don't know.  I just do,  I have never felt this way about anyone.

I was just telling Melissa the other day that I wasn't with him for not even half the amount of time that I was with Tyler, but I can wholeheartedly say I didn't feel the way for Tyler even close to G. Not even close.  We started saying how with each relationship you learn more about yourself, and that allows you to love that much more when you get older. Does this mean that I can love more than this? Such a crazy thought.  I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else, and I'm not sure I want to. Maybe that will change when I finally find out he has moved on from me; it'll almost be like I am forcing myself.

Things on the Jewish front have been going really well. I am so excited for my summer... in a month I will be in New York and then gone for a month to the Holy Land. Wow. So thankful.  It'll be really good for me to get away.

And I am graduating this Wednesday. I am totally done with school - WOW. It's an incredible relief.