Last night after ballroom class, David and I hung out and he let me drive his new 350Z. I was surprised that I still somehow remember how to drive stick shift. It was exhilarating, even if I was only going 7mph in the parking lot. I sweat up a fucking storm too at the class. My friends thought I was joking when I said that you will leave dripping in sweat; we ALL were. Then the teacher said she was going to pick a winner for the best samba, and couldn't choose a winner so she chose three - I was one of them! It was such a confidence booster. Also, it helped that when this other woman Caroline was asked to demonstrate, my friend was like "Just so you know you look 7x sexier when you do that". I laughed out loud like during this woman's demonstration; felt so bad. It's weird how like some of my guy friends say the most forward things, but I know it doesn't mean anything. And then I have some guy friends that could literally just brush my shoulder differently and a radar goes off. Isn't that strange how intuition works? For the most part, mine has been pretty spot on.
Saturday night my friends took me out for my birthday, and I got drunk before I even left the house. We were all taking shots (I took 5, bad choice) and ended up so drunk and didn't order one drink once we were out. I had a blast, and then afterwards I had the bf come pick us up, I just didn't feel right. Two people who I was supposed to trust were being super handsy with me, and it didn't even piss me off - it actually hurt my feelings. These are my close guy friends, and they're supposed to be people that I trust and also respect me. That night I felt like they didn't have respect for me, or for my relationship OR for that matter, my boyfriend. This is someone that they have hung out with before. Anyway, the whole situation just angers me.
I sit here on I think what is day 3 now of not speaking to the bf. We decided this. I need to keep reminding myself that I am the one that initially brought this up. I wanted the space, for him. I knew he would benefit from it. I'm just so fucking scared that at the end of this week I will lose it all.
I made him a fucking adorable birthday card today. I have had this idea stuck in my head for MONTHS and I finally made it today. I decided that even if he doesn't want to be with me, I still want him to have the card and the birthday gift from me. The card has some mush in it, but it is pretty funny and I know he would like it regardless. Just because he doesn't want to be with me doesn't mean I will stop caring about him or not want him to have a good birthday. I know he will just love his gift too. This is not me getting carried away; I have already thought of the best possible outcome of the week and the worst, and I am of course preparing myself for the worst more. Out of fear. Since I am such a chicken with my feelings.
I miss him so much. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". I see this in two different ways. Either the absence makes you miss each other more, or you get used to that void and you're like ok, I could do this. This is not bad. I hope it isn't the latter for him. I feel so preachy and whiny talking about this. I can't help it though.
I planned a birthday gathering for myself and I don't even feel like having it. I don't feel like entertaining. I might just cancel it.
Well, back to Mad Men. Maybe I can finish the entire season tonight. I have finished 4 seasons in 1 week and a half. That is called a problem.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
Space
The space never scared me. I am the one that suggested space, weeks ago. But he is right; we haven't really honored that at all because we keep dancing together, being in social situations together, when we aren't ready to be back to start being a couple again. I keep saying we, I'm ready. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and I have been. So I guess I should be saying "him". He is not ready, and needs to decompress from it all. That is completely fine.
What scares me is I feel like I am always one step ahead in this. I knew I loved him before he loved me, I see things between us before he does, and then I call it out and want to talk about it. I have been so willing and so ready to make it work and tried everything to make it better. Again I feel like I've said this before, but it's not like he treats me badly. There's just nothing at all. I'm not special anymore. I don't feel loved.
What scares me is that after this "space" of a week, what if it isn't all better? He's just going to give up and call it quits? I don't need a time stamp; we made one just because we decided on that but what if it takes him longer than a week and he doesn't know that? And then he just drops me. And ends it. It will break me. That is what scares me. I am afraid to be a hopeless romantic and believe that at the end of this week, on my birthday, that he will decide to drive to Prescott and surprise me and say, "Let's make this work." Best case scenario that would be the best birthday present. I don't even want something tangible. I just want a commitment that we are going to try and be better partners in this relationship. What if this week doesn't give him enough time to process all that and give it another chance? I know that I can be a better girlfriend to him. Before, I didn't accept that I couldn't be a fixer and not know everything. It was foreign to me and so unlike any situation I've been a part of. But I realize now that I can't control everything; and if he just communicates to me that he needs space to himself I am okay with that. These times when he needs space and it has nothing to do with me, I am okay with giving him space just as long as he lets me know it isn't anything about me. Just simple communication.
It's strange, I think communication is our strength and our weakness. I've never been able to open up and talk to him and just resolve issues about my life and everything with anyone else like him. When he is in boyfriend mode, he is close to perfect.
I'm just afraid. I am so afraid he doesn't see what we have, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to. I want to be positive and just trust it and think, yes... he will remember what we had and then want to come back. But what if I get all my hopes up this week, just for him to crush me at the end of the week, on or after or before my birthday?
Please god or whoever is up there. Give me strength to accept whatever he decides. Even after writing that, it sounds like such a surrender. I am not ready to give up yet. That is the problem. I want to do what he wants, and I can't force him to be with me. That's just what is breaking me most, is the thought that at the end of this week he might think it's not worth it. Even throughout all of this, all the anxiety and sadness has been in hopes that we will work it out. Please god help him remember the good that comes from us being together. He has made me the happiest anyone ever has, in every way. Help him remember that I can make him happy again too if he lets me back in.
What scares me is I feel like I am always one step ahead in this. I knew I loved him before he loved me, I see things between us before he does, and then I call it out and want to talk about it. I have been so willing and so ready to make it work and tried everything to make it better. Again I feel like I've said this before, but it's not like he treats me badly. There's just nothing at all. I'm not special anymore. I don't feel loved.
What scares me is that after this "space" of a week, what if it isn't all better? He's just going to give up and call it quits? I don't need a time stamp; we made one just because we decided on that but what if it takes him longer than a week and he doesn't know that? And then he just drops me. And ends it. It will break me. That is what scares me. I am afraid to be a hopeless romantic and believe that at the end of this week, on my birthday, that he will decide to drive to Prescott and surprise me and say, "Let's make this work." Best case scenario that would be the best birthday present. I don't even want something tangible. I just want a commitment that we are going to try and be better partners in this relationship. What if this week doesn't give him enough time to process all that and give it another chance? I know that I can be a better girlfriend to him. Before, I didn't accept that I couldn't be a fixer and not know everything. It was foreign to me and so unlike any situation I've been a part of. But I realize now that I can't control everything; and if he just communicates to me that he needs space to himself I am okay with that. These times when he needs space and it has nothing to do with me, I am okay with giving him space just as long as he lets me know it isn't anything about me. Just simple communication.
It's strange, I think communication is our strength and our weakness. I've never been able to open up and talk to him and just resolve issues about my life and everything with anyone else like him. When he is in boyfriend mode, he is close to perfect.
I'm just afraid. I am so afraid he doesn't see what we have, because he doesn't have anything to compare it to. I want to be positive and just trust it and think, yes... he will remember what we had and then want to come back. But what if I get all my hopes up this week, just for him to crush me at the end of the week, on or after or before my birthday?
Please god or whoever is up there. Give me strength to accept whatever he decides. Even after writing that, it sounds like such a surrender. I am not ready to give up yet. That is the problem. I want to do what he wants, and I can't force him to be with me. That's just what is breaking me most, is the thought that at the end of this week he might think it's not worth it. Even throughout all of this, all the anxiety and sadness has been in hopes that we will work it out. Please god help him remember the good that comes from us being together. He has made me the happiest anyone ever has, in every way. Help him remember that I can make him happy again too if he lets me back in.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
ENFJ
I haven't taken a personality thing like this in awhile, and damn it is crazy that this is the first time that I have felt it really pegged my personality closer than other things I've done. I used the link from humanmetrics.com and got the "ENFJ" result. Actually more specifically I got "ESFJ" first, and then at the bottom it said because I scored a low percentage one one of the categories it could mean I am "ENFJ" too. So I read that one, and it fit me so much more.
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From the website:
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From the website:
ESFJ Description
Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes.
All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs, as do most SJs, bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service (which embodies life's meaning) and expect the same from others.
ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature "wear their hearts on their sleeves," often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls. Some ESFJs channel these vibrant emotions into moving dramatic performances on stage and screen.
Strong, contradictory forces consume the ESFJ. Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive. This sometimes results in swift, immediate action taken upon a transgressor, followed by stern reprimand; ultimately, however, the prodigal is wrested from the gallows of their folly, just as the noose tightens and all hope is lost, by the very executioner!
An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.
As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around--germs within, the elements without, unscrupulous malefactors, insidious character flaws. The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid; 'hyper-vigilant' would be more precise. And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and elementary education.
(ESFJ stands for Extravert, Sensing, Feeling, Judging and represents individual's preferences in four dimensions characterising personality type, according to Jung's and Briggs Myers' theories of personality type.)
Pathetic
I am trying so fucking hard to separate myself. If tonight is what is "normal" for us now, I don't want it. I don't feel fulfilled in any way, shape or form. The only time I get attention is if he wants to do things with me. That is the only time I feel like he wants to be around me. Today is a time when we are around friends and he was silent. I tried to be normal, and this was not his normal self. Has is normal way changed around me? This isn't the same guy that I fell in love with. This is the guy that causes me anxiety, depression, anger. I even question myself if he is in love with me. He never tells me he loves me; the only times he has was when I've been crying or really upset. Then he becomes boyfriend to the rescue. Other than that, I am afraid to tell him I love him because I am afraid I won't hear it back, and that hurts. No, a fucking heart does not count as a fucking response.
Is our time over? Are we passed the honeymoon stage? I feel like I'm treated like a wife that is busy raising children and like isn't hot or something anymore. I want to feel wanted, and needed, and appreciated. I don't feel that way. He gets mad that I am so insecure about us but can he blame me? The inconsistency is so stressful and like I said, if this is him "normal" with me now, I don't want it. I don't want it at all. It hurts. It hurts feeling like I can't hold his hand. His body feels cold. What is wrong with me? What am I good for to him if this is how he treats me? I don't want to bring up another fight because it'll just make things worse. Every time I bring up something, I'm trying to make it better and I try to be understanding. I suppose I just have to see how long I can stick this out for? I feel like this is going to make me completely numb if I can't voice out anything.
I feel like I am making it worse both ways, by saying something and not saying anything at all. I can't win in this situation. All I'm doing is making him love me less.
I wish in these situations someone could just tell me what to do. I like to think that I wouldn't put up with this shit in any other relationship; but I think I would. Because that's just the type of person I am. I love with my whole heart and put my whole heart into a relationship. So that's what sucks. Is that I am probably going to be walked all over in most of my relationships unless I become a cold hearted bitch and make myself immune to this stuff. I make myself so vulnerable and it isn't fair.
The sensible person inside me is saying, "Jesus Tiffany break up with this guy. He makes you cry a few times a week, literally has no idea; and when you try and care it pushes him away further." But the hopeless romantic in me sees the good in him, and lives for that good. It's like I'm waiting for that next good moment to happen.
My patheticness actually makes me cry more. I sound ridiculous right now.
I just came across this quote "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" - and I used to live by this every day back when my OCD was almost out of control and I let the smallest thought consume me. I would tell myself this all the time and it would work, temporarily.
I should think about this now; but at the same time, doing this is kind of ignorant. So, just don't focus on the negativity so it doesn't consume you? Don't we want to acknowledge the negativity in hopes that it will eventually dissipate? I could ignore the clear space that is between my boyfriend I and focus on the good which on the "good" days is exactly what I try to do. But on these bad days, it's like all those emotions that I have compartmentalized have surfaced because I'm being treated like dirt. And it's crazy - he is never like, vocally bad. People would never look at us and say, "Wow, that is a shitty boyfriend right there." Because it's not what he does, it is what he doesn't do. He doesn't remind me how important I am to him (if really at this point I question my role in his life). He doesn't make me feel included in his plans, and most of the time I feel like an after thought. He doesn't make me feel wanted when we aren't being intimate. I don't feel like a priority to him. I feel like for him at this point his "once a week time" with me has been fulfilled by this birthday dinner. I really do.
All this bitching and whining. You ask why am I not doing something about it? I have tried. I have poured my heart and soul and tears and body into this relationship. All for the better. I have tried and tried and tried. Why can't he let me in. Why am I not good enough.
Is our time over? Are we passed the honeymoon stage? I feel like I'm treated like a wife that is busy raising children and like isn't hot or something anymore. I want to feel wanted, and needed, and appreciated. I don't feel that way. He gets mad that I am so insecure about us but can he blame me? The inconsistency is so stressful and like I said, if this is him "normal" with me now, I don't want it. I don't want it at all. It hurts. It hurts feeling like I can't hold his hand. His body feels cold. What is wrong with me? What am I good for to him if this is how he treats me? I don't want to bring up another fight because it'll just make things worse. Every time I bring up something, I'm trying to make it better and I try to be understanding. I suppose I just have to see how long I can stick this out for? I feel like this is going to make me completely numb if I can't voice out anything.
I feel like I am making it worse both ways, by saying something and not saying anything at all. I can't win in this situation. All I'm doing is making him love me less.
I wish in these situations someone could just tell me what to do. I like to think that I wouldn't put up with this shit in any other relationship; but I think I would. Because that's just the type of person I am. I love with my whole heart and put my whole heart into a relationship. So that's what sucks. Is that I am probably going to be walked all over in most of my relationships unless I become a cold hearted bitch and make myself immune to this stuff. I make myself so vulnerable and it isn't fair.
The sensible person inside me is saying, "Jesus Tiffany break up with this guy. He makes you cry a few times a week, literally has no idea; and when you try and care it pushes him away further." But the hopeless romantic in me sees the good in him, and lives for that good. It's like I'm waiting for that next good moment to happen.
My patheticness actually makes me cry more. I sound ridiculous right now.
I just came across this quote "The happiness in your life depends on the quality of your thoughts" - and I used to live by this every day back when my OCD was almost out of control and I let the smallest thought consume me. I would tell myself this all the time and it would work, temporarily.
I should think about this now; but at the same time, doing this is kind of ignorant. So, just don't focus on the negativity so it doesn't consume you? Don't we want to acknowledge the negativity in hopes that it will eventually dissipate? I could ignore the clear space that is between my boyfriend I and focus on the good which on the "good" days is exactly what I try to do. But on these bad days, it's like all those emotions that I have compartmentalized have surfaced because I'm being treated like dirt. And it's crazy - he is never like, vocally bad. People would never look at us and say, "Wow, that is a shitty boyfriend right there." Because it's not what he does, it is what he doesn't do. He doesn't remind me how important I am to him (if really at this point I question my role in his life). He doesn't make me feel included in his plans, and most of the time I feel like an after thought. He doesn't make me feel wanted when we aren't being intimate. I don't feel like a priority to him. I feel like for him at this point his "once a week time" with me has been fulfilled by this birthday dinner. I really do.
All this bitching and whining. You ask why am I not doing something about it? I have tried. I have poured my heart and soul and tears and body into this relationship. All for the better. I have tried and tried and tried. Why can't he let me in. Why am I not good enough.
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