Ah, College. Life.

As the date comes closer and closer (FOR COLLEGE..wow sounds like I'm hinting a baby), I get more nervous by the day. I have already met my roommate, Alyssa, I've met other students that will be in my dorm wing as well. It's all so new and exciting, but at the same time, I'm scared! What if I'm a complete fool and I'm befriended by no one? What if I am so different from my roommate that she almost dislikes me? What if we never get along? What if I fail so miserably within the first month of school that I'm forced to drop out at semester. These things happen to people all the time. Well, at least I've heard most of the girls who party too hard end up getting kicked out of Arizona State and going to Mesa Community College. I'm not saying I'm going to be some huge party girl, but what if I get miserably sick, and it holds me back for a couple days which results in holding me back continuously? I hope I'm not the only college bound student thinking this way. There's still so much I have to do. Get a really good lock for my bike, Dorm supplies (!!!!!!), prepare for my music audition, there's much more. I just feel so ill-prepared for such a huge transition in my life, yet i don't know how to get ahead. I don't want to be one of those freaks that has their entire dorm supplies completely ready 13 months before the move in date.. I just want a sense of clarity and relaxation. But hey - when's there time for relaxation in college...why lie?! haha. I know from previous posts, one would think I'm going to love being away from home, which to be completely honest I will be. At the same time though, yeah. It will be weird not waking up to the smell of my mom's cooking in the morning, and walking around the house trying to find out where she is, and to find out she's working out. It'll be weird not waking up and seeing my dogs adorable big bug eyes staring up at me, or waking up to her snoring so loud that its the reason why I'm waking up in the first place. It'll be weird not waking up to Tyler's phone calls, and not having him come over after he worked a long day. It's going to be weird not watching American Idol with my parents this year when it comes around, and it's going to be weird (but so pleasant) not to have my parents calling me asking "Where are you at this time of night?!", when it is only 9:27 pm. It's going to be weird not going to the local orchestra rehearsals 3 times a week, and seeing all those wonderful people on a regular basis. It's going to be sad not going to school everyday, being with alot of people I grew up with. It's going to be sad not performing in those concerts at the concert hall where my parents are there to watch me, and occasionally the boyfriend or best friend. It'll be so weird, and so sad. It will be so saddening when on a Tuesday in college, while I'm writing my English paper due the next day at 3 pm, I'll remember that exactly a year ago, I'd be in my violin lesson at George's house, soaking in all I can and laughing at his genius-smart self and his hysterical humor. It will be sad not seeing Tyler's mom and seeing the new shoes she bought, or showing her the ones I bought; her making me feel so welcome in their home. It will be weird not sleeping in the bed I slept in most of my life. It will be sad leaving behind most of the belongings I grew up being around. The more I think about all this, the more I get that painful burn in my throat for the sudden urge to cry. I feel like I grew up 3 years ago, yet I'm not ready to leave my childhood, or my comfortable messy room, and my comfortable messy home. I'm not ready to leave my mom, or my dad, but I know I am going to and will have to. This is a weak state of mind right now, so I feel especially vulnerable for those "mommy daddy" feelings. A couple weeks ago or so, I had a post where you'd think I was moving out of my house that day. I was so independent, not a little girl anymore. Yeah, I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm not. But it's also sad to have suddenly spur of the moment reflect on my minute life that is only beginning, and where it's taken me so far.
What must parents think at times like these; to see their youngest child who they remember was in the womb at a time, and then playing with baby toys in diapers, is now going off to college. The little girl who used to sit on her dad's back while he walked around on the ground like a horse, who used to hold onto his leg as her sister was on the other, and he'd walk around the house. The little girl who used to dance around the kitchen with her dad and sister, and the girl who played dress up with her mom. That little girl who broke one of her moms expensive shoes, because of playing dress up. The little girl who at one time, relied on her mommy and daddy for everything, and now just needs money for college and food, but wants to be on their own.
I could continue with the sappy memories, but it is actually making me cry, and my dad is still next to me typing away, haha. So on that note, I should stop. I hope this made other's get that burning throat feeling with watery eyes, because it did for me.

Thoughts that have an immediate overwhelming control of my feelings:

1. Animal abuse & cruelty

2. The holocaust

3. If my mom cries

4. Thoughts of my childhood..those memories that left me what seems like far too
quickly.

Well, now that I've calmed down and am not so depressed about college and my childhood (actually I still am, but I should probably stop anyway), I am going to go shower, and maybe practice my orchestra audition music some more.

I think I need a hug. Or cuddling.


xox