I wanted to separate these two posts because they are two completely different feelings and I don't want them associated with each other.
On Chanukah, I met a boy who I thought was a teenager. He works at the J, and I thought he was so much younger than me since he worked there - most of the people that work there are in their teens. Anyway, he was "assigned" to my room to watch and just make sure everything was okay; and we ended up playing general music instruments together like drums, maracas, shakers together while singing Chanukah songs. It was actually kind of fun. Anyway, I remember thinking he's cute but way too young. And then didn't think of him again much.
Fast-forward like two months later, we matched on TINDER. Hahaha. Something my friend Ali forced me to get after I got dumped... Which I am grateful to her for.
He messaged me first:
"You look really familiar..."
At the same time, I responded with: "We rocked out on some general music instruments at the J on Chanukah"
when he added "Wait were you at the J for a Chanukah event playing music???" Haha. It was funny. We realized at the exact same time where we knew each other.
From there we kept talking, and texting. He was the first person in awhile that really made me laugh, out loud. We met at Coffee Plantation on Shea, and we talked and talked. He made me laugh out loud like several times and it wasn't forced. I was legitimately surprised how funny he was. He isn't super super hot - I mean he is definitely handsome. But his humor definitely makes him so much hotter.
He came to my apartment after and we played music for each other - I swear NOTHING happened. We hugged goodbye, and we decided to hang out again soon.
The next time we hung out, he wanted to take me on a date. I loved that he knew where he wanted to take me. There's nothing more annoying than a guy who doesn't have a plan haha. I had a blast. He opened my door. Every. Time. I thought his door may have been broken or something because he opened it for me and made a point to. Then I realized it was just chivalry not being dead. Such a turn on.
We watched funny animal videos on a small grassy hill at the Scottsdale Quarter while eating fro-yo. I kept wondering when are we going to kiss. I wanted it to happen but I wanted it to be organic.
That's the thing now. We have kissed twice now, two separate hangouts (Have not discussed the third hangout) but I didn't feel those sparks. And I am afraid I am comparing it to Gabi. Because with Gabi, I was so, so madly head over heels in love. I literally had a kiss with him where I was weak in the knees, like I lost feeling. That had never happened ever in my life before. I just need to STOP comparing.
Anyway. Our third hangout we baked cookies together. Actually, I baked the cookies while he ate everything in my kitchen and watched. It was so fun. Before I baked the cookies, we went to the grocery store and we were telling each other puns with grocery store items, and I seriously couldn't stop laughing. My face hurt.
THEN: As I am mid laughter with him in my kitchen, guess who won't let me have a night to myself? Yup. You guessed it. I get a familiar name pop up on my phone that says,
"Hey Tiffany I know I said I wouldn't pressure you, but I am going to be in town in two weeks, and I would like to see you if you're available/want to. If you are available or want to let me know" or something along those lines. I didn't respond for a whole day. But wow talk about a laugh kill.
This guy is funny. He is so opposite of Gabi in the sense of upbringing. He was such a bad boy, and has a bad past. He isn't straight edge at all. He is rough, and has a Maryland accent (which I find super sexy, again). But he does make me laugh. And he's smart. What should matter right now is what makes me happy, right? I am NOT thinking about any kind of commitment right now, even if I am a creature of commitment/monogamy - I'm trying not to get too attached.
I'm thinking of asking this guy to a wedding on Thursday with me. When is appropriate to ask someone to go to a wedding with you? Haha. Maybe I'll google that right now...
Anyway. He's an exciting guy. He puts a smile on my face.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Just a Friend
I haven't written in so long.
It is really starting to set in, the loneliness. I think this is why I fill up my days to the minute so I never have a moment to be truly *alone* with my thoughts, or just alone in my aloneness if that makes sense.
When Gabi broke up with me, I had to find a distraction, I was so heartbroken. I mean I would be lying if I said I wasn't still. I thought after over three months I would be over it. Will I ever be?
He keeps trying to be my friend, but I can't do it. That hurts so much that after everything, he is totally okay with just being my friend. I remember I did the same thing to Tyler. I was like "let's still be friends" and Tyler was like totally okay with it like, "Okay great let's get coffee." And we hung out and talked like old friends. He even brought Marlin (his dog). I remember that "meetup" soo well. It's the last time I saw him actually, wow. Over 2 years ago, maybe even 3? I guess I am learning from his mistake, and from other friends. I saw what being "just friends" after the breakup did to them, and him. It hurt them worse, and I remember even softening from it and calling Eydn in a panic: "Maybe we can get back together. Maybe we can work it out." God bless that woman. Because if I didn't have her to tell me in those moments of weakness to stay strong and not go back to him, I would have never had a lot of the experiences I had after him, and well - I wouldn't have had Gabi in my life the way I did. After everything, I don't regret anything I don't think. I think I wish some things would have gone differently; however, I don't know if I actually regret anything.
Gabi wants to be friends. I can't do it. That hurts. After everything, he can chat with me like pals. When I put myself in his shoes, I have literally been there with Tyler. I get it. But it hurts so much being on this side of things. He can't make the calls for everything, it's not fair. A part of me wishes he stops by my apartment Friday night when he is here in town... How messed up is that? Even after everything?
Should I just tell him he can come over and catch up with me? I just don't know. I am so, so conflicted. I want to see him, I really do. I'm just afraid the things I am trying so hard to forget and actually starting to forget will surface again, and then I'll be back to square one.
God. On another note, I am SO glad I went to Denver last weekend. I had so much fun making new memories there with new people. I was basically high the whole weekend. It was just what I needed. I needed new memories there otherwise I would hate it forever.
I wish I was strong enough to just be friends with Gabi. After all, he was one of my best friends. I loved him so much. I love him so much. I loved. I have to keep telling myself that. It isn't what it was anymore. And he doesn't love me anymore.
It is really starting to set in, the loneliness. I think this is why I fill up my days to the minute so I never have a moment to be truly *alone* with my thoughts, or just alone in my aloneness if that makes sense.
When Gabi broke up with me, I had to find a distraction, I was so heartbroken. I mean I would be lying if I said I wasn't still. I thought after over three months I would be over it. Will I ever be?
He keeps trying to be my friend, but I can't do it. That hurts so much that after everything, he is totally okay with just being my friend. I remember I did the same thing to Tyler. I was like "let's still be friends" and Tyler was like totally okay with it like, "Okay great let's get coffee." And we hung out and talked like old friends. He even brought Marlin (his dog). I remember that "meetup" soo well. It's the last time I saw him actually, wow. Over 2 years ago, maybe even 3? I guess I am learning from his mistake, and from other friends. I saw what being "just friends" after the breakup did to them, and him. It hurt them worse, and I remember even softening from it and calling Eydn in a panic: "Maybe we can get back together. Maybe we can work it out." God bless that woman. Because if I didn't have her to tell me in those moments of weakness to stay strong and not go back to him, I would have never had a lot of the experiences I had after him, and well - I wouldn't have had Gabi in my life the way I did. After everything, I don't regret anything I don't think. I think I wish some things would have gone differently; however, I don't know if I actually regret anything.
Gabi wants to be friends. I can't do it. That hurts. After everything, he can chat with me like pals. When I put myself in his shoes, I have literally been there with Tyler. I get it. But it hurts so much being on this side of things. He can't make the calls for everything, it's not fair. A part of me wishes he stops by my apartment Friday night when he is here in town... How messed up is that? Even after everything?
Should I just tell him he can come over and catch up with me? I just don't know. I am so, so conflicted. I want to see him, I really do. I'm just afraid the things I am trying so hard to forget and actually starting to forget will surface again, and then I'll be back to square one.
God. On another note, I am SO glad I went to Denver last weekend. I had so much fun making new memories there with new people. I was basically high the whole weekend. It was just what I needed. I needed new memories there otherwise I would hate it forever.
I wish I was strong enough to just be friends with Gabi. After all, he was one of my best friends. I loved him so much. I love him so much. I loved. I have to keep telling myself that. It isn't what it was anymore. And he doesn't love me anymore.
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