only words

In long distance, words are everything.  If I don't hear from him all day, I'll get anxious. Because all we have are words. But once he says "I love you", I feel okay again. I can last another day. I miss him so much.

Fear

I miss him so much. Now that he's gone, and our competition prep is over, I have so much more time on my hands. It's crazy. I plan on practicing a lot of violin.

I have a few fears and they are all crazy. But I have to write them out.

1) I spoke with Jee on the phone yesterday, and she was just flipping out that it is even a possibility that I may have to take a bus once I get to Denver to see him. She told me Kent used to be a union bus driver, school full-time, and would sometimes drive 3 hours to go get her at the airport. I asked him how I'll get to Breckenridge from the airport, and he said "I'll pick you up if I'm off work, if not then there's a bus to Breckenridge from the airport."
I'll admit that stung a little; I would find a fucking way to pick him up if it was reversed. And then I see his point; he's just starting a new job and he can't just ask off a Friday evening and Sunday evening to take me back. But idk. I wonder if these times where I keep convincing myself are even worth it. Am I just stooping my standards lower and lower to try and accommodate him? I told Jee "Maybe I am dickwhipped." She said that's not it because when you're that, usually the guy knows it and he's fucking with your head. She said the worst part about this all is that he is such a sweet guy, and doesn't know. He literally doesn't know how selfish he is being, how easy I keep making it.

2) I wonder if I am dealing with all this stuff, him not treating me like I should be, and then learns all these mistakes by me complaining; gets tired of me, then breaks up, and then some other girl gets all the good of him. The part I've been waiting for because I have seen little bits of it and know it's there.

3) I am scared for when only seeing me once a month or so won't be worth it anymore, when our feelings for each other won't be enough. I am so scared.  The positive part of me is so determined to make it work, but I don't want to be the only one doing anything.

4) I just hate the thought of him being with someone else. I hate it.

Gone

He left today.... he moved away today. And I am surprisingly not balling my eyes out every 5 minutes like I thought I would be. There is definitely a space missing.  I miss him, I do.  This just shows that it is possible to live without the person you love. It just isn't the same.

It's so simple to me, I love him and there is a void that needs to be filled. He is a part of me and now that part has moved away.  I will only feel whole again when I can be around him again. I hope it's mutual.

Last few days

First off to preface this I would like to say my boyfriend took care of me all freakin week. It was the sweetest thing I think he has ever done. I almost couldn't believe it. Here we are, less than a week before he leaves. It flew by.

I feel like most of the time WAS me crying about him leaving, and I'm sad for that. Because I wonder if he is going to be leaving, exhausted from this relationship. The last month was not our best.

I woke up this morning feeling like we are broken up.  We aren't, although I think we almost did last night. We almost broke up. And now I'm scared that if we get into a fight when he's in Colorado, he will do just that.  He'll just forget how much he loves me because he's angry. Or wonder why he's even doing this.  He said that yesterday... when he's upset it's hard to tell if he's still with me because he loves me or if it's because he's just scared.  That really hurt to hear, because no matter how angry I am - even if we were to break up, I wouldn't think it's because of that. I know I love him. It almost feels like how we were back in June. And that scares me.

What can I do to salvage these last few days before he leaves, to show him that this is still something worth being in? I do feel like less of a person when he isn't here.  I feel like I miss him already.  I miss him so much. Why does it feel like a constant battle.  One bad fight, and I feel like I'm losing it all.  We've had an amazing last couple months here before he's left. It was the best part of our relationship.

I made him a scrapbook. What if he doesn't like it? What if he is wondering what to do with it? I put so much time. yikes and money... into it. It hurts to think that he may throw it away someday.  Or it might end up under his bed without a care.  Yeah that part stings.

I've seen what long distance can do to even the most beautiful couple. It can break them. I guess a lot of people get through it too, though.  I just have to stay positive.  I think that's why I've broken down so many times is because I've had a little bit of experience with long distance and it's failed both times.  So what's different with this time? I keep asking myself. And then I remember it's him. He's the difference. I really love him and if we both truly love each other, we will find a way.  I can't really describe how I love him, or why.  I read this article on one of those news websites about how there are like these 15 questions you should be able to answer about the person you love, I surprisingly knew a few. We've only been together a little over a year, but there was one asking if you knew why you loved the person you do. Well, here's why.

I love Gabi because most importantly, he is always challenging me. I like feeling like someone isn't agreeing with my opinion just because they like me.  He's shown me that's okay to do. I love him because of how he makes me feel.  I am not the prettiest girl (not ugly either). But sometimes when I am with him, he somehow makes me feel like I am prettier than any girl we walk by. He makes me feel so treasured. And I love him because of the little things we do for each other. How he knows exactly how to comfort me in any situation, and also exactly how to make me smile. He knows I like to be loved after I get upset, and I know he doesn't. We know each other and I like that.

It's these little things that I hope he remembers when I'm not around him all the time.

Sick love

So at first when I left my house to get myself "sick food" and left my boyfriend in bed, I was furious. WHY am I getting out of bed to get myself food? He should be doing this for me-- I thought. I was pissed. Once I got back though, he was perfect. He took care of me, and was amazing.  When I thanked him at the end of the day, I almost cried haha. He was so sweet to me. It's times like these where I feel like I am honestly the luckiest girl in the world.  I wonder if he ever feels like that too. I try and treat him well, although I feel like recently I get pissed about small things. I think it's lack of sleep.