Tuesday, September 15, 2015
5776
When I think about what my life was like before college, I giggle to myself. There was so much yet to learn, and I still feel this way. If there was that much I learned in 5 years, imagine what my whole life will be like, when I look back on life when I'm hopefully really really old (I hope I make it to be a really old lady. I think I would be a cute old lady, seriously). ((tailing on that parentheses, I will probably also be that really old lady that says hilariously flirtatious things to cute young 20-something-year- old boys and get away with it because a) I'll be adorable and b) I won't give a shit.))
The past week has been really weird. I've never felt so mutually in sync with G, ever. I don't know what happened. When I try and peg a certain time, it makes me cry remembering how I felt with him before June. I remember the night after the drag pageant, we talked in my car for almost two hours, and while I feel kind of like an idiot for saying, "I think you've fallen out of love with me" - because it turns out he wasn't even there to begin with --- but that's another thread. This conversation sparked something in him; I don't know what I said or what did it. What ever it was brought back my boyfriend. Something slapped him in the face like "Hey! Remember this girl!!! She has liked you this whole time, she is giving you the go if you want! But don't! Not yet!" haha.
After that night, I didn't feel like he was just with me to be with me. It was like he wanted to. He'd reach out to me, see how I was doing, and when we were together, I didn't feel pressured. All along I found out that he has felt a lot of pressure throughout our relationship, but I did too.
The other day, we brought up being there for each other, for all the special event stuff, concerts, races. Me concerts, him races obviously haha. It was because I accidentally missed his soccer game that morning, and I literally never miss anything he does. Not because I feel forced or obliged to go because I'm the girlfriend, I want to support him in any way I can. I enjoy seeing him do stuff that makes him happy. I find myself laughing or giggling just watching him laugh and smile with his friends on the field during a soccer game, or feeling so proud when I see him for the 10 seconds he passes by me during a race. Or crying when he gets to the finish line (Iron Man - seriously I was like tearing and I was next to his best friends so I was trying my best to hide it.. embarrassing lol).
Anyway, he said he would use this time against me (as a joke) and I responded, "I would totally win that game don't go there" which prompted this whole talk about what he missed, and why I never told him.
That's the thing... I did. I told him weeks, maybe months in advance for things. Every time I would bring things up to him with me, pre-I'm-in-love-with-my-girlfriend, I never seemed like something he would was interested in, like in the way I was with him. He would be blase about it like "Oh I'll see if I can go" or just.. not really into it. Into me. He never really showed me that I was a priority to him. This used to be a basis of our arguments earlier on around February, I was always complaining that I didn't want to treat someone like a priority when all I am to them is an option. I didn't want to talk anyone into seeing me or supporting me, it should just be done. I literally watched him put the date in his phone (or at least I thought he was doing that when he pulled up his calendar and said that's what he was going to do lol). He had told me he was going to visit Colorado at some point during camp, which was a great idea. But then he knew my concert was happening. It hurt that he didn't come, or really make it a priority to try and be there. I mean, it's a big fucking deal btw to be a concertmaster. You're the best in the orchestra. He's probably never going to see me do that, because I don't know when I'll do it again.
My friends drove from Phoenix and surprised me at the concert, sending me snapchats of the concert- I didn't know they were there until intermission when I checked my phone and got pictures OF me. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy I almost cried. What makes it worse is that the two guys are; one of them may like me, and the other made a pass at me a couple times. But they were there. They showed their support. They are, in no stretch of the imagination, musicians. And they drove up just to see me play classical music for 2 hours. My friend Ali came with me the entire weekend, and we had a blast. We met a couple guys the night before and I was such a good wingman haha. One guy kissed my cheek that night, it was so weird. I remember feeling like OH MY GOD DID I JUST CHEAT even though I didn't even see it coming. I gave him a handshake after that. I really do NOT handle myself very well in situations like that haha.
Jesus I went off on a tangent! BACK TO STORY-----
So bf and I are talking about it all, and then he said something like that I never tell him about anything, and I should've reminded him or told him. I DID! I don't want to have to egg you on to support me. He only has to tell me once about things, and then it sticks. And then when I know that there is something happening and I don't remember exactly when, I make sure that all my duckies are in a row before planning. I always take him into consideration because he's a priority. Granted, I think that if this was to happen now - where we are now, it would be totally different. He would probably highlight, post it, phone reminder, because I genuinely feel like a priority to him now. The other night I was crying, and he was going to drive over to me at 3 in the morning just to be with me and make me feel better, even though he had that soccer game (that I missed) the next morning. That to me meant more than anything tangible I could ever get. Okay not always, he did get me this necklace and I wear it every day. I freaking love it. It's like a reminder to me every day that I am his and only his...even if I did receive this when that loving feeling wasn't mutual lol.
The things he has really wanted to do, he always asks about. I remember my recital coming up, he asked me like 7 times. I never "reminded" him of my things or never have because I figure if he really wants to go, he will go and inquire more. So I tell him about it, give the date, and he'll go if I'm important. Since I didn't feel prioritized in his life, I never pushed anything that came to my life because I figured it didn't matter to him much anyway. Does this make sense? Why am I asking that question?? No one reads this. I guess it just makes me feel a little better.
So he told me to "let him know more often" or something like that, I and I simply just said "okay" back, instead of the paragraph above which I felt would just be rude to say. But really, what does he expect? How am I supposed to try and include someone in my life when they don't make me feel included in theirs?
I have so, so so much practicing to do it scares me. Bach Chaconne is something I've been wanting to play for years though. When I play it I will probably cry haha.
To get back on track of things, AGAIN.....
I love hearing I love you first. I used to be so scared to even text it to him (I think partially because I knew he didn't feel exactly the same way back), and now I don't even have to say it first. We say it when we want, he says it to me and it never gets old hearing it. Ever. He could have just said it and I could hear it 5 seconds later, still get warm fuzzies just as much.
It's the Jewish New Year, and it is bringing some new feelings of love and growth to this relationship. And I am loving it so far. But I do feel myself not always giving 100%, I know it's because I'm afraid he's going to leave me. I really enjoy myself the majority of the time. And most of the time I am not holding back; usually he is well aware of when I am and does what he can to make me feel comfortable. Which I love.
I took a break from writing which is why this has deviated and probably seems like I lost my groove from earlier (because I did) - I just spent an hour reading ALL of my old blog posts. There are so many in the drafts, too! I didn't post a lot of things, and I still have that file on my computer of random thoughts too. There is so much to go through. Some of it made me cringe haha.
I only saw G last night, and I already miss him. We went through so many emotional highs and lows yesterday; it makes me laugh to think about. Like, EXTREME highs and lows, lefts and rights. Everything. So comical.
Maybe I will continue to write more later if I can get my groove back.
L'Shana Tova!
The past week has been really weird. I've never felt so mutually in sync with G, ever. I don't know what happened. When I try and peg a certain time, it makes me cry remembering how I felt with him before June. I remember the night after the drag pageant, we talked in my car for almost two hours, and while I feel kind of like an idiot for saying, "I think you've fallen out of love with me" - because it turns out he wasn't even there to begin with --- but that's another thread. This conversation sparked something in him; I don't know what I said or what did it. What ever it was brought back my boyfriend. Something slapped him in the face like "Hey! Remember this girl!!! She has liked you this whole time, she is giving you the go if you want! But don't! Not yet!" haha.
After that night, I didn't feel like he was just with me to be with me. It was like he wanted to. He'd reach out to me, see how I was doing, and when we were together, I didn't feel pressured. All along I found out that he has felt a lot of pressure throughout our relationship, but I did too.
The other day, we brought up being there for each other, for all the special event stuff, concerts, races. Me concerts, him races obviously haha. It was because I accidentally missed his soccer game that morning, and I literally never miss anything he does. Not because I feel forced or obliged to go because I'm the girlfriend, I want to support him in any way I can. I enjoy seeing him do stuff that makes him happy. I find myself laughing or giggling just watching him laugh and smile with his friends on the field during a soccer game, or feeling so proud when I see him for the 10 seconds he passes by me during a race. Or crying when he gets to the finish line (Iron Man - seriously I was like tearing and I was next to his best friends so I was trying my best to hide it.. embarrassing lol).
Anyway, he said he would use this time against me (as a joke) and I responded, "I would totally win that game don't go there" which prompted this whole talk about what he missed, and why I never told him.
That's the thing... I did. I told him weeks, maybe months in advance for things. Every time I would bring things up to him with me, pre-I'm-in-love-with-my-girlfriend, I never seemed like something he would was interested in, like in the way I was with him. He would be blase about it like "Oh I'll see if I can go" or just.. not really into it. Into me. He never really showed me that I was a priority to him. This used to be a basis of our arguments earlier on around February, I was always complaining that I didn't want to treat someone like a priority when all I am to them is an option. I didn't want to talk anyone into seeing me or supporting me, it should just be done. I literally watched him put the date in his phone (or at least I thought he was doing that when he pulled up his calendar and said that's what he was going to do lol). He had told me he was going to visit Colorado at some point during camp, which was a great idea. But then he knew my concert was happening. It hurt that he didn't come, or really make it a priority to try and be there. I mean, it's a big fucking deal btw to be a concertmaster. You're the best in the orchestra. He's probably never going to see me do that, because I don't know when I'll do it again.
My friends drove from Phoenix and surprised me at the concert, sending me snapchats of the concert- I didn't know they were there until intermission when I checked my phone and got pictures OF me. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy I almost cried. What makes it worse is that the two guys are; one of them may like me, and the other made a pass at me a couple times. But they were there. They showed their support. They are, in no stretch of the imagination, musicians. And they drove up just to see me play classical music for 2 hours. My friend Ali came with me the entire weekend, and we had a blast. We met a couple guys the night before and I was such a good wingman haha. One guy kissed my cheek that night, it was so weird. I remember feeling like OH MY GOD DID I JUST CHEAT even though I didn't even see it coming. I gave him a handshake after that. I really do NOT handle myself very well in situations like that haha.
Jesus I went off on a tangent! BACK TO STORY-----
So bf and I are talking about it all, and then he said something like that I never tell him about anything, and I should've reminded him or told him. I DID! I don't want to have to egg you on to support me. He only has to tell me once about things, and then it sticks. And then when I know that there is something happening and I don't remember exactly when, I make sure that all my duckies are in a row before planning. I always take him into consideration because he's a priority. Granted, I think that if this was to happen now - where we are now, it would be totally different. He would probably highlight, post it, phone reminder, because I genuinely feel like a priority to him now. The other night I was crying, and he was going to drive over to me at 3 in the morning just to be with me and make me feel better, even though he had that soccer game (that I missed) the next morning. That to me meant more than anything tangible I could ever get. Okay not always, he did get me this necklace and I wear it every day. I freaking love it. It's like a reminder to me every day that I am his and only his...even if I did receive this when that loving feeling wasn't mutual lol.
The things he has really wanted to do, he always asks about. I remember my recital coming up, he asked me like 7 times. I never "reminded" him of my things or never have because I figure if he really wants to go, he will go and inquire more. So I tell him about it, give the date, and he'll go if I'm important. Since I didn't feel prioritized in his life, I never pushed anything that came to my life because I figured it didn't matter to him much anyway. Does this make sense? Why am I asking that question?? No one reads this. I guess it just makes me feel a little better.
So he told me to "let him know more often" or something like that, I and I simply just said "okay" back, instead of the paragraph above which I felt would just be rude to say. But really, what does he expect? How am I supposed to try and include someone in my life when they don't make me feel included in theirs?
I have so, so so much practicing to do it scares me. Bach Chaconne is something I've been wanting to play for years though. When I play it I will probably cry haha.
To get back on track of things, AGAIN.....
I love hearing I love you first. I used to be so scared to even text it to him (I think partially because I knew he didn't feel exactly the same way back), and now I don't even have to say it first. We say it when we want, he says it to me and it never gets old hearing it. Ever. He could have just said it and I could hear it 5 seconds later, still get warm fuzzies just as much.
It's the Jewish New Year, and it is bringing some new feelings of love and growth to this relationship. And I am loving it so far. But I do feel myself not always giving 100%, I know it's because I'm afraid he's going to leave me. I really enjoy myself the majority of the time. And most of the time I am not holding back; usually he is well aware of when I am and does what he can to make me feel comfortable. Which I love.
I took a break from writing which is why this has deviated and probably seems like I lost my groove from earlier (because I did) - I just spent an hour reading ALL of my old blog posts. There are so many in the drafts, too! I didn't post a lot of things, and I still have that file on my computer of random thoughts too. There is so much to go through. Some of it made me cringe haha.
I only saw G last night, and I already miss him. We went through so many emotional highs and lows yesterday; it makes me laugh to think about. Like, EXTREME highs and lows, lefts and rights. Everything. So comical.
Maybe I will continue to write more later if I can get my groove back.
L'Shana Tova!
Thursday, September 10, 2015
The moment we've been waiting for
I feel so loved. I haven't felt this really ever. Which makes it difficult. Why does he have to go away when it's all falling into place (more so)? He tells me openly that he loves me. Even though it hurt so bad hearing that somehow me being submissive for most of the relationship bit me in the ass, our relationship just keeps getting better. He misses me, he loves me. He cares.
These were all things I used to "complain" about not feeling. why can't he love me like I love him or whatever, which definitely seems so silly to write down. But I remember thinking this. That's what pissed me off though; when he told me a few weeks back that he never felt like he was going to lose me or felt like we were growing together --- or he never felt the same way about me. Those things hurt to hear. Just because I liked him more than he liked me I feel does not say there wasn't growth. Just because he didn't fall in love with me the way he expected shouldn't change what's happening now. Which actually he said. But when he was telling me, it was coming off like he was complaining about it like there has always been this disconnect with us, and then said "But it doesn't matter anymore I'm telling you this because I feel so comfortable now and because I love you". Didn't matter, it still hurt and I still cried. I think a part of me is still not over hearing all that. I tried so hard to make him feel at ease with me all the time, and tried to back off to see if he'd come to me. It turns out he never did "come around" until recent, which led me to think WHY has he been with me this whole time if he has been obviously feeling a different way?? I felt cheated, led on. Betrayed. It definitely explained the times when I'd get pissed about saying "I love you" in a text and then him responding with a "< 3 "
So back to the wedding. First off, I don't know what it is but seeing him in a kippa is so hot. Lol. Like I give him googly eyes constantly. He just melts me.
We danced like crazy, and the hora was so freakin fun. I also danced with his cousin David; one memory that is my favorite of that evening is him and bf passing me between each other sharing me as a dance partner. Such a blast. I found out later that we had a crowd. Usually in those situations I don't actually notice when there's a crowd. It's like my violin, I tune it out to focus more. Dancing is a little more of an extroverted hobby for me, I am definitely more showy with it- maybe because I'm more confident with it. I could feel people watching but I didn't know it was a lot.
Gosh. Just the night before the wedding was amazing. He was holding me, kissing me while I slept, telling me he loved me. It's like the moment I had been waiting for, for so long. I remember wanting to smile; not sure if I did because I was so tired, but I felt it. I remember feeling like wow, this is amazing. I'm falling asleep next to the person I am crazy in love with, and I actually think he feels the same way.
The moment we've been waiting for, people. Finally. And now you're tellin' me that I may have to let him go in a few months? I will literally save all my money just to visit him as much as I can if/when he moves.
Is it creepy that when I was watching his cousin get married, that I imagined him and I in the chuppah, doing the whole ritual? I really do think I am the creepiest person sometimes. It's not like I think he's my soul mate, but I do think it's normal to picture yourself long term with the person you love. I wonder if he's done that with me lol. I kind of hope so, so I can feel a little more validated about this haha.
Continuing with what I was saying earlier, I feel like after finding out how not on the same page we were for most of the relationship stung, and I'm still recovering. It's like he's strangely getting what he always wanted in the beginning. Like I am apprehensive with him, starting to protect myself and not just be 100% all in, his call all the time. I've shelled myself since that talk, and it sucks but I can't change it. I wonder when I will feel totally comfortable again. I'm not sure I will for awhile considering I can't even get a solid commitment from him with the whole November thing.
These were all things I used to "complain" about not feeling. why can't he love me like I love him or whatever, which definitely seems so silly to write down. But I remember thinking this. That's what pissed me off though; when he told me a few weeks back that he never felt like he was going to lose me or felt like we were growing together --- or he never felt the same way about me. Those things hurt to hear. Just because I liked him more than he liked me I feel does not say there wasn't growth. Just because he didn't fall in love with me the way he expected shouldn't change what's happening now. Which actually he said. But when he was telling me, it was coming off like he was complaining about it like there has always been this disconnect with us, and then said "But it doesn't matter anymore I'm telling you this because I feel so comfortable now and because I love you". Didn't matter, it still hurt and I still cried. I think a part of me is still not over hearing all that. I tried so hard to make him feel at ease with me all the time, and tried to back off to see if he'd come to me. It turns out he never did "come around" until recent, which led me to think WHY has he been with me this whole time if he has been obviously feeling a different way?? I felt cheated, led on. Betrayed. It definitely explained the times when I'd get pissed about saying "I love you" in a text and then him responding with a "< 3 "
So back to the wedding. First off, I don't know what it is but seeing him in a kippa is so hot. Lol. Like I give him googly eyes constantly. He just melts me.
We danced like crazy, and the hora was so freakin fun. I also danced with his cousin David; one memory that is my favorite of that evening is him and bf passing me between each other sharing me as a dance partner. Such a blast. I found out later that we had a crowd. Usually in those situations I don't actually notice when there's a crowd. It's like my violin, I tune it out to focus more. Dancing is a little more of an extroverted hobby for me, I am definitely more showy with it- maybe because I'm more confident with it. I could feel people watching but I didn't know it was a lot.
Gosh. Just the night before the wedding was amazing. He was holding me, kissing me while I slept, telling me he loved me. It's like the moment I had been waiting for, for so long. I remember wanting to smile; not sure if I did because I was so tired, but I felt it. I remember feeling like wow, this is amazing. I'm falling asleep next to the person I am crazy in love with, and I actually think he feels the same way.
The moment we've been waiting for, people. Finally. And now you're tellin' me that I may have to let him go in a few months? I will literally save all my money just to visit him as much as I can if/when he moves.
Is it creepy that when I was watching his cousin get married, that I imagined him and I in the chuppah, doing the whole ritual? I really do think I am the creepiest person sometimes. It's not like I think he's my soul mate, but I do think it's normal to picture yourself long term with the person you love. I wonder if he's done that with me lol. I kind of hope so, so I can feel a little more validated about this haha.
Continuing with what I was saying earlier, I feel like after finding out how not on the same page we were for most of the relationship stung, and I'm still recovering. It's like he's strangely getting what he always wanted in the beginning. Like I am apprehensive with him, starting to protect myself and not just be 100% all in, his call all the time. I've shelled myself since that talk, and it sucks but I can't change it. I wonder when I will feel totally comfortable again. I'm not sure I will for awhile considering I can't even get a solid commitment from him with the whole November thing.
Update
"The grass is not greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it."
This was just like a *mind blown* moment for me. And it is so true. I wonder if I should share this with the bf. He's said something exactly along these lines in regards to our relationship; that it's so great but he's always going to wonder "What if". Not that it's not a completely abnormal thought, I think that too. A lot. I think to myself, "Is he really the best I can do? Is he the best for me?"
My love for him just consumes me, and makes me want to continue. I have that doubt, but I also am feeling so loved and don't want it to go away.
I've been working on the Bach Chaconne for about a month now, and I started working on it when he and I started talking about breaking up. So now every time I'm practicing it or listen to a recording of myself for performance practice, I hear the sadness in my playing. I can hear in the dissonance, this instability and shakiness. Is this piece totally blackballed now??? I mean this was something I have been wanting to play for years, and now I finally am. Maybe this is inevitably my interpretation of it. And I think it would be enjoyable for people but the way I'm playing it may cause tears (which is actually a personal goal for me whenever I play. I want people to feel what I'm feeling).
So much as happened: I just came back from an extremely quick trip to DC for a wedding with the bf, and it was an absolute fairytale of a wedding. I met one side of his family, and they were all very sweet to me. I remember the first time I met his parents, I was so scared. Like, BOTH of them are rabbis! They're gonna hate me!!! Thinking they're orthodox or something. It's so silly when I think about it now. Out of all people that I would expect to make me feel uncomfortable, I was thinking it'd be them. But never once have they, ever. I truly adore them. His mom is one of the sweetest women in the world, she always makes me feel at ease. Which probably makes her an amazing rabbi, too. And his dad good god. He is freaking hilarious. Even after a year I'm not used to his humor, so I'm always still laughing after everyone else is over what he said. I see so much of my boyfriend in him, I actually think he looks more like his dad than mom.
I have been teaching for a month and been in school for about a month - gosh how time is flyin' already. I am also trying to move into my new apartment at the end of the month; I'm hoping I save money but we'll see.
Next post will be juicier.
This was just like a *mind blown* moment for me. And it is so true. I wonder if I should share this with the bf. He's said something exactly along these lines in regards to our relationship; that it's so great but he's always going to wonder "What if". Not that it's not a completely abnormal thought, I think that too. A lot. I think to myself, "Is he really the best I can do? Is he the best for me?"
My love for him just consumes me, and makes me want to continue. I have that doubt, but I also am feeling so loved and don't want it to go away.
I've been working on the Bach Chaconne for about a month now, and I started working on it when he and I started talking about breaking up. So now every time I'm practicing it or listen to a recording of myself for performance practice, I hear the sadness in my playing. I can hear in the dissonance, this instability and shakiness. Is this piece totally blackballed now??? I mean this was something I have been wanting to play for years, and now I finally am. Maybe this is inevitably my interpretation of it. And I think it would be enjoyable for people but the way I'm playing it may cause tears (which is actually a personal goal for me whenever I play. I want people to feel what I'm feeling).
So much as happened: I just came back from an extremely quick trip to DC for a wedding with the bf, and it was an absolute fairytale of a wedding. I met one side of his family, and they were all very sweet to me. I remember the first time I met his parents, I was so scared. Like, BOTH of them are rabbis! They're gonna hate me!!! Thinking they're orthodox or something. It's so silly when I think about it now. Out of all people that I would expect to make me feel uncomfortable, I was thinking it'd be them. But never once have they, ever. I truly adore them. His mom is one of the sweetest women in the world, she always makes me feel at ease. Which probably makes her an amazing rabbi, too. And his dad good god. He is freaking hilarious. Even after a year I'm not used to his humor, so I'm always still laughing after everyone else is over what he said. I see so much of my boyfriend in him, I actually think he looks more like his dad than mom.
I have been teaching for a month and been in school for about a month - gosh how time is flyin' already. I am also trying to move into my new apartment at the end of the month; I'm hoping I save money but we'll see.
Next post will be juicier.
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