I have never seen someone suffer. It brought tears to my eyes just seeing my aunt. I kept telling myself, "You're fine, you're fine" on the way over to her house, and then once I saw her I just broke down. She lost so much weight, and she looked weak. Cancer is a bitch.
It was hard for me to tell her about my trip because it was such a happy experience for me, while she was in bed, dying. On top of that, I was so guilty because a week before I left, I was going to visit her and bring her back a dish she used to make sauce for me, and when she missed my call she left me a message saying to call her back and that she was sick. I just assumed that she meant she had the flu, so I just did my thing till I left for Europe because I didn't want to catch her flu that I was afraid to catch. God I get so mad when I look back and think about that. It was so selfish of me. I literally found out she had cancer the day I left for my trip, in the airport about to board for my flight. My mom called to tell me...and I had that guilt the whole trip. I didn't even want to call and say sorry. I didn't know what to say, I was too embarrassed.
it was so hard today talking to her, because all I kept thinking about was she won't be here for this. That. In a few months. My mom started talking about my graduation in the spring, and my aunt said "Well I won't be here for that." And it stung. Why her? Why anyone for that matter? She JUST got her house the way she wanted it... the floors redone, new counters, new beautiful house. And now she can't enjoy it. She won't see me graduate, she won't see me get married, or see my someday children. She is missing it because of fucking cancer. It angers me so much, but tears me apart at the same time. I'm guilty that I didn't spend more time with her, and I'm guilty that I didn't call her back. I can't believe I was too afraid to call her, thinking she'd make me come over anyway with her having a FLU. It eats me up inside and I am so mad at myself.
One thing this is shown me is that I cannot take my life for granted. If you're unhappy, fix it. If you aren't where you want to be, move. If you want extra fries with your cheeseburger, get them. Or don't. It's up to you. You make the bed you lay in, and if you are unhappy with your life or where you are, then something needs to change because it could all change for the worse....just like that. I left for Europe thinking my aunt was just having a light sickness and didn't call her, and I get back and she is dying.
I think the most important thing in life is to be happy and try to do what you can to be successful to yourself in life. I think that's why I am so focused on just being alone now, because I have never felt so lost before in my life. How lost can one be in life if they are surrounded by a myriad of relationships yet feel so lost? Something has to be wrong.
I'm sorry Aunt Isola. I just wish her pain to go away. I don't want her to suffer anymore.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Dream Interpretation (New level of weird.)
I had the strangest dream last night. First off, the past two nights I have had a dream that I was pregnant, and then I had this like weird dilemma where I was freaking out saying, "Who's the dad?!" ... which was comical to me because in the dream I had like more partners, and in real life the answer would be real simple who knocked me up, haha. So having a pregnancy dream indicates, according to dreammoods.com, that you are in the middle of a "birth" of a new idea, project, or change in your life that you may not be willing to share with others yet which I think makes sense to me. But anyway in my dream I remember thinking, "I'm gonna be so big when I'm back to school! How am I going to FINISH school???" haha I'm just as self conscious in my dreams as I am in my waking life, it's funny to me.
So onto my weird crazy dream as if being pregnant in my dream two nights in a row wasn't crazy enough ....
This dream was really strange. I started off hanging out with this blonde girl who was ridiculously tiny and had the most adorable Louis Vuitton shoulder bag - but that's beside the point. It was raining really hard, and I was grocery shopping with my mom, dad, Tyler, and guy who thought he was baby daddy. At the check out line, guy who thinks he's baby daddy gives his card, so basically pays for my groceries; not sure if he does this out of guilt or something?? By the way, I see the doctor and find out that Tyler is baby daddy.
So the dream continues to walking out of the grocery store and now I get back to cute handbag blonde girl in my dream. Somehow my family disappears and this girl replaces them. It is raining extremely hard, and this girl and I get whisked away in the shopping cart we have (another weird thing to point out, the fact that both of us magically fit in this shopping cart, AND who is pushing us, the wind?!) into this unknown territory to where it is like we are deserted in the middle of an ocean? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm a complete nutcase, but I'm gonna continue to tell this anyway so I can read this and laugh later.
We are now on this land that looks like.. if you mixed the Sedona red mountains with like, Egypt, Star Wars looking characters, and throw in a wormhole, we somehow got transported to this place. I don't remember why now because I am trying to continue this after being awake for 13 hours, but for some reason no one here liked us and we needed to get off this planet, we'll call it. So random blonde girl and I are running through enchanted dining halls, literally SCALING mountain sides, and just being total badasses escaping these villain people. And the thing I hate about dreams is that you can't run as fast as you want and it is SO frustrating.
I've skipped some pretty crucial plot details, not like that is an excuse to make this sound any less Looney of a dream than it already does or anything. But I'll continue.
So we are escaping, running away from the Star Wars lookalike characters and blonde girl at some point in my head has morphed into my best friend Eydn. Oh, and by the way I think I am NOT pregnant anymore at this point in the dream. Eydn and I are now jumping high into the sky, still scaling crazy high mountains and crawling up walls to escape this planet, and Eydn exclaims "we have to find the wormhole that brought us here! And, then magically we are standing over a mini waterfall that leads to a lower leveled high class swimming pool and I say, "Eydn, the wormhole is the water! We have to double backflip (WTF?!) into the water and we will be miraculously transported back to the shady, rainy parking lot of Wal Mart!" and this is funny, but I think the dialogue was that direct in my dream, too.
So once we went down a few levels of swimming pools and jagged creeks, we made our way to a big cliff with beautiful big waves and an ocean ahead - clearly the wormhole. So I go first, and I double backflip into this unknown water and it didn't transport me or anything, it just made me immune. Like the Star Wars villains couldn't do anything to me, now that I flipped into the ocean ahead. Eydn jumped in, but freaked because she didn't know how to backflip. So I literally had to hold her body and make her backflip. Next thing you know, she says "I'm at Ross! (while still in my presence in the 5 Ft deep ocean) and I say AWESOME ME TOO! And then we were transported into a game of Red Rover with all the people we thought were annoying from high school.
So, that's the end of my dream. I dream all the time and I should really write them down more often because it sounds so hilarious to me now that I am typing this all out.
And as I normally do, I'll pick a few things to "interpret" via dreammoods.com in their Dictionary section.
I'll do ocean first.
For ocean, it basically said that if the ocean is rough (which it had some white caps, yes) then it means I am dealing with some emotional turmoil in my life right now and I am doing best to handle life's ups and downs... Okay. So why am I backflipping into it????
So, leading to the next word, Flip.
Apparently to see something flipping signifies excitement.. and if I am flipping something, that could possibly indicate that I am feeling regret or be a pun on driving someone mad/crazy, aka 'flipped out'. Hmmm.
Next one I thought of was Rain, because I saw a lot of it in my dream.
Ok, so it could mean forgiveness and grace? Or a metaphor for rears, crying and sadness. Ok that sounds more accurate to life right now. It can also symbolize fertility and renewal. Gosh, first pregnancy now fertility?! I promise this is not the stage of my life I want to be in! Haha.
Well I think it is about time to retire to bed, I have had a long day and am curious to see what I dream about tonight after this long day I've had full of emotions. I looked through old pictures today and all I can say is, I wish I had a biiiiiig heart shaped cookie right about now.
Xox
So onto my weird crazy dream as if being pregnant in my dream two nights in a row wasn't crazy enough ....
This dream was really strange. I started off hanging out with this blonde girl who was ridiculously tiny and had the most adorable Louis Vuitton shoulder bag - but that's beside the point. It was raining really hard, and I was grocery shopping with my mom, dad, Tyler, and guy who thought he was baby daddy. At the check out line, guy who thinks he's baby daddy gives his card, so basically pays for my groceries; not sure if he does this out of guilt or something?? By the way, I see the doctor and find out that Tyler is baby daddy.
So the dream continues to walking out of the grocery store and now I get back to cute handbag blonde girl in my dream. Somehow my family disappears and this girl replaces them. It is raining extremely hard, and this girl and I get whisked away in the shopping cart we have (another weird thing to point out, the fact that both of us magically fit in this shopping cart, AND who is pushing us, the wind?!) into this unknown territory to where it is like we are deserted in the middle of an ocean? Yeah, I know what you're thinking. I'm a complete nutcase, but I'm gonna continue to tell this anyway so I can read this and laugh later.
We are now on this land that looks like.. if you mixed the Sedona red mountains with like, Egypt, Star Wars looking characters, and throw in a wormhole, we somehow got transported to this place. I don't remember why now because I am trying to continue this after being awake for 13 hours, but for some reason no one here liked us and we needed to get off this planet, we'll call it. So random blonde girl and I are running through enchanted dining halls, literally SCALING mountain sides, and just being total badasses escaping these villain people. And the thing I hate about dreams is that you can't run as fast as you want and it is SO frustrating.
I've skipped some pretty crucial plot details, not like that is an excuse to make this sound any less Looney of a dream than it already does or anything. But I'll continue.
So we are escaping, running away from the Star Wars lookalike characters and blonde girl at some point in my head has morphed into my best friend Eydn. Oh, and by the way I think I am NOT pregnant anymore at this point in the dream. Eydn and I are now jumping high into the sky, still scaling crazy high mountains and crawling up walls to escape this planet, and Eydn exclaims "we have to find the wormhole that brought us here! And, then magically we are standing over a mini waterfall that leads to a lower leveled high class swimming pool and I say, "Eydn, the wormhole is the water! We have to double backflip (WTF?!) into the water and we will be miraculously transported back to the shady, rainy parking lot of Wal Mart!" and this is funny, but I think the dialogue was that direct in my dream, too.
So once we went down a few levels of swimming pools and jagged creeks, we made our way to a big cliff with beautiful big waves and an ocean ahead - clearly the wormhole. So I go first, and I double backflip into this unknown water and it didn't transport me or anything, it just made me immune. Like the Star Wars villains couldn't do anything to me, now that I flipped into the ocean ahead. Eydn jumped in, but freaked because she didn't know how to backflip. So I literally had to hold her body and make her backflip. Next thing you know, she says "I'm at Ross! (while still in my presence in the 5 Ft deep ocean) and I say AWESOME ME TOO! And then we were transported into a game of Red Rover with all the people we thought were annoying from high school.
So, that's the end of my dream. I dream all the time and I should really write them down more often because it sounds so hilarious to me now that I am typing this all out.
And as I normally do, I'll pick a few things to "interpret" via dreammoods.com in their Dictionary section.
I'll do ocean first.
For ocean, it basically said that if the ocean is rough (which it had some white caps, yes) then it means I am dealing with some emotional turmoil in my life right now and I am doing best to handle life's ups and downs... Okay. So why am I backflipping into it????
So, leading to the next word, Flip.
Apparently to see something flipping signifies excitement.. and if I am flipping something, that could possibly indicate that I am feeling regret or be a pun on driving someone mad/crazy, aka 'flipped out'. Hmmm.
Next one I thought of was Rain, because I saw a lot of it in my dream.
Ok, so it could mean forgiveness and grace? Or a metaphor for rears, crying and sadness. Ok that sounds more accurate to life right now. It can also symbolize fertility and renewal. Gosh, first pregnancy now fertility?! I promise this is not the stage of my life I want to be in! Haha.
Well I think it is about time to retire to bed, I have had a long day and am curious to see what I dream about tonight after this long day I've had full of emotions. I looked through old pictures today and all I can say is, I wish I had a biiiiiig heart shaped cookie right about now.
Xox
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Thought I'd Share This
“What makes us leave what we love best?
What is it inside us that keeps erasing itself
When we need it most,
That sends us into uncertainty for its own sake
And holds us flush there
until we begin to love it
And have to begin again?
What is it within our own lives we decline to live
Whenever we find it,
making our days unendurable,
And nights almost visionless?
I still don't know yet, but I do it.”
― Charles Wright
What is it inside us that keeps erasing itself
When we need it most,
That sends us into uncertainty for its own sake
And holds us flush there
until we begin to love it
And have to begin again?
What is it within our own lives we decline to live
Whenever we find it,
making our days unendurable,
And nights almost visionless?
I still don't know yet, but I do it.”
― Charles Wright
Saturday, June 29, 2013
21 Things
Well, I finally turned 21. June 21st. The summer solstice, golden birthday, yada yada. It was really memorable. I think if I can try, I'm going to just list 21 things I have learned, or feel necessary to include in a list of "21 Things".
21) Beta Blockers are my new best friend
20) 5 drinks is probably my max.
19) I am a better friend than my friends are to me.
Okay, it sounds self-absorbed but REALLY. I truly do feel this way. It was like pulling teeth trying to get friends to celebrate my birthday with me - with the exception of Eydn and Tyler. My good friend Jose and I got dinner the night after and I met up with some Phoenix friends. The day after that, Tyler took me racecar driving, a movie, and shopping. It was a pretty good birthday weekend.
18) I feel such relief not having to be "Michelle" when I go out now! I can just approach the bouncer, smile, and know it's me. WAHOO!!
17) Dancing did my body so much good throughout my life. It's a shame I didn't stick with it more.
16) I have the mood swings of a 3 year old on pixie sticks.
15) I am very uncertain where I will be in a year. Everyone kind of is, aren't they though.
14) I contemplate my purpose in the world almost everyday now. I also contemplate how wonderful it would be to pursue fame.
13) I am gonna get my chest done. In a year or two.
12) I am incredibly thankful to have the parents I have. They are those "Drop everything for anyone" kind of people, and they really are just incredibly generous people. I wanna be like them when I grow up.
11) I have become very accustomed to all things country these past 6 months. And I am LOVING it!!!
10) ..Adding 2-stepping to #11. It's so fun..so easy.
9) I want to run a marathon someday.
8) Online shopping has become quite an addiction this past year..
7) There's a song I only work on when I am home and usually work on for maybe an hour every few months or so. That piece is Clair de Lune by Debussy.
6) Prescott, AZ is like the new China - they are just poppin out babies everywhere around here. It must be something in this Northern Arizona water.
5) I went to a baby shower yesterday and got major baby fever. Thank you birth control, and the fact that I am 21 and that is not something I want right now in life, despite what I think of when I see all those adorable baby shoes and baby clothing in the moment.
4) I became a god mother this year! She's not my niece, but it seriously feels like it. her name is Maria Amanda. Cutest Pinoy baby EVER!! Speaking of Pinoy...
3)...I want to visit the Philippines next summer and see my family. I miss them all so much, and I love the Philippines. It's nice to know I have family.
2) I always wonder what it'll be like to be a mom, or an Aunt. And seeing how my parents will be. And with my friend having a baby, I can see just how crazy-pants my mom might get! Haha - in a good way of course.
1) I am so so so so thankful. For everyone in my life and the life I have. Those of you who are in my life, you know who you are and why I am so thankful for you.
21) Beta Blockers are my new best friend
20) 5 drinks is probably my max.
19) I am a better friend than my friends are to me.
Okay, it sounds self-absorbed but REALLY. I truly do feel this way. It was like pulling teeth trying to get friends to celebrate my birthday with me - with the exception of Eydn and Tyler. My good friend Jose and I got dinner the night after and I met up with some Phoenix friends. The day after that, Tyler took me racecar driving, a movie, and shopping. It was a pretty good birthday weekend.
18) I feel such relief not having to be "Michelle" when I go out now! I can just approach the bouncer, smile, and know it's me. WAHOO!!
17) Dancing did my body so much good throughout my life. It's a shame I didn't stick with it more.
16) I have the mood swings of a 3 year old on pixie sticks.
15) I am very uncertain where I will be in a year. Everyone kind of is, aren't they though.
14) I contemplate my purpose in the world almost everyday now. I also contemplate how wonderful it would be to pursue fame.
13) I am gonna get my chest done. In a year or two.
12) I am incredibly thankful to have the parents I have. They are those "Drop everything for anyone" kind of people, and they really are just incredibly generous people. I wanna be like them when I grow up.
11) I have become very accustomed to all things country these past 6 months. And I am LOVING it!!!
10) ..Adding 2-stepping to #11. It's so fun..so easy.
9) I want to run a marathon someday.
8) Online shopping has become quite an addiction this past year..
7) There's a song I only work on when I am home and usually work on for maybe an hour every few months or so. That piece is Clair de Lune by Debussy.
6) Prescott, AZ is like the new China - they are just poppin out babies everywhere around here. It must be something in this Northern Arizona water.
5) I went to a baby shower yesterday and got major baby fever. Thank you birth control, and the fact that I am 21 and that is not something I want right now in life, despite what I think of when I see all those adorable baby shoes and baby clothing in the moment.
4) I became a god mother this year! She's not my niece, but it seriously feels like it. her name is Maria Amanda. Cutest Pinoy baby EVER!! Speaking of Pinoy...
3)...I want to visit the Philippines next summer and see my family. I miss them all so much, and I love the Philippines. It's nice to know I have family.
2) I always wonder what it'll be like to be a mom, or an Aunt. And seeing how my parents will be. And with my friend having a baby, I can see just how crazy-pants my mom might get! Haha - in a good way of course.
1) I am so so so so thankful. For everyone in my life and the life I have. Those of you who are in my life, you know who you are and why I am so thankful for you.
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