Why is it always the nice people that die. Or bad things happen to. Why? I don't understand how some people continue to walk this earth, wreaking havoc; breaking hearts, killing, stealing, manipulating, lying. Just terrible things happening. And then some that do nothing; do nothing to deserve to die, do die. Why would God let bad things happen to people that don't deserve it.
I just don't understand. Is it bad that I have wished death upon someone before? I mean, I may not be so fixated on hating people so much anymore. But it doesn't mean I still don't wish those people a horrible life or an abundance of unhappiness. I know it's mean and I shouldn't, but it doesn't change that I still do. Call me a horrible person, whatever. But I just think the wrong things absolutely happen to the wrong people.
You might say, Well what deems you the person to say that they wrongfully died? OR that that person deserves pain?
I guess I can't say anything and only God can do something like that.
Death just confuses me sometimes, and leaves me wondering when my time will come. Even though I'm not afraid of it, just the randomness of it makes me wonder if I'll even live to see 35. I haven't done anything wrong or deserving of pain or unhappiness (not like I feel there are alot that actual do deserve it. I'm not THAT bad of a person).. It's just so random that it makes you wonder if you'll ever make it to when you want to.
Another death of someone I know/knew is a wake up call for me. I don't want to take anything for granted, or think "Eh, I'll talk to them in a couple days." or, "I'll catch up with them sometime soon." What the hell do you have to lose? What could be so important that you have to hold off? You don't know if that person going to be around. You just don't. So I think I'm going to really try hard to put myself in a different mind set especially when angry and think to myself, and even if it's depressing, "Don't take them for granted. Love while you still can. Talk to them without holding back, don't let grudges get in the way of action. Don't let what happened hold you back from what happens next." I just can't anymore. I can't keep taking so many things for granted. When people are suddenly dying out of nowhere, it gets you thinking. I never want to have a friend, or someone close die and all I can think of is, "I wish I could've.....". I never want to think that. I never want to wish I could say this, or could have done that. I don't want anyone else to do that to me either. I want to be able to say if someone passes that, I affected their life for the better. They're in a better place now. And that's it. I want others to feel the same way when I die. That's all I want to think. I don't want to think that there were so many things I didn't get to say, or do.
That can take a toll on someone, especially an obsessive, compulsive mind like mine. You couldn't imagine (or maybe you could) the kind of things I obsess about, and you wouldn't believe for how long. It eats my insides up. It tears my soul, to put it dramatically. It takes over my personality, and my life revolves around it. And something so unimportant as a stupid bitch gets into my head?! I cannot simply imagine what would happen if someone super close to me suddenly left. Just like Alec. I felt so bad that I couldn't have one last heart to heart before he died. Him and I were close the first couple years of high school, but by our Senior year, it was just passing by in the hallways saying hi. That's why I think if you know it's your time, it is your time. Maybe a couple days before he died, I saw him in the same place before third hour as I did every day, and that one particular day, he stopped me and instead of just saying hi, he gave me a big, bear Alec hug. He asked how I was, and that he missed seeing me every day for class. Maybe that's dumb to think he knew, but I'll never forget that. So maybe all I wish I could do is just say thank you. Thank you for noticing me, especially on the days that I felt invisible.
Don't let anything stop you from doing someone or seeing someone, because you never know when it could be your last talk with them. Or their last talk with you. To make this not so depressing.... I'm going to try not to let small things upset me.
Well, live your life. Live it the way you want, and hug people. Hug them. Just to do it. Get yourself out of bed and work out and take a run, eat healthier. Make yourself feel better about yourself. And to be honest, I really should be taking my own advice.
I think that's it. RIP Riley - for all those nonbelievers, he could be in a better place. Don't just think about him underground and staying there. He could be in a place called heaven.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
Melissa & Tiffany Reunion
It had been a year since i had seen one of my closest friends, MELISSA!! I decided that I would go and see her because she was working all summer in Phoenix, and I was stuck in Prescott. Last week, I stayed with her for the whole week just about! After getting back from Mexico, my mom dropped me right off at Melissa's. We went shopping, tanned, swam, ATE, danced. It was so fun. And I really needed it. I needed to get out! I will include some pictures later in this post.
I have said previously I think that if it weren't for my friend Maddie, I wouldn't be as happy as i am right now, and be in the great relationship that I'm in right now. Well, if it weren't for mine and Melissa's reality show conversation one on one poolside my last night with her in Phoenix, my self esteem /other aspects of myself and relationships with others probably wouldn't have changed, and been on the road to recovery and getting better. Melissa is a psych major, and it is paying off. Haha. She might've used her own conventional ways - ahem, slapping me silly, literally. But it worked. I cried, and I vented. And she listened. Like a great friend does. She wasn't just a friend that day though, she was an unbiased party which is what I needed. Of course she didn't completely grill me the whole time; there were a few things that she actually agreed with me on and thought was "dumb" or "stupid" as I did. But uh, let me tell you there were quite a few things that she did grill me on. One being, trying to tell me there's no reason why a girl should feel insecure about themselves, and especially over someone else that doesn't compare, and isn't even worth wasting breath over. The way she put it was a way I needed to hear it. Strangely enough, when she said anything I wasn't upset. I cried, but it was more of embarassment and ..well. being ashamed; she put me in my place. I wish my boyfriend were there too, because I feel like she needed to slap him silly on a few things too. Only a few, though. It's mostly me. But hey, I'm working on it. and I can say without lying that I am already feeling better. It's hard, not to revert to my old mindset of going about *things*. It's hard. But I am getting better. It won't change overnight, but I'm working on it, and I haven't said anything to my boyfriend that "Rhymes with whipped cream", as Melissa said, haha. I do feel shitty sometimes, for the way I react about things. I mean I have reasons, but so does everyone. It was nice to talk to someone about it that wasn't just gonna tell me like, "Oh, you're right. She IS ugly." Or, "Yeah. He IS dumb. Why would he even bother?!" But give me a reason behind it. So, to reassure my mind that I'm not completely neurotic, or to assure that I was wrong. It was good. She is a gem. I know that after that week I spent with her and Sierra (her roommate, who I also went to high school with who is an absolute doll), I know her and I will be friends for a long time.. I just know it. She's just that important to me that I wouldn't let it be any other way.
Well. I am watching Sweet Home Alabama right now and damn does this movie hit the spot for heartstrings! Wish I had am an cuddlin' me right now.
I have said previously I think that if it weren't for my friend Maddie, I wouldn't be as happy as i am right now, and be in the great relationship that I'm in right now. Well, if it weren't for mine and Melissa's reality show conversation one on one poolside my last night with her in Phoenix, my self esteem /other aspects of myself and relationships with others probably wouldn't have changed, and been on the road to recovery and getting better. Melissa is a psych major, and it is paying off. Haha. She might've used her own conventional ways - ahem, slapping me silly, literally. But it worked. I cried, and I vented. And she listened. Like a great friend does. She wasn't just a friend that day though, she was an unbiased party which is what I needed. Of course she didn't completely grill me the whole time; there were a few things that she actually agreed with me on and thought was "dumb" or "stupid" as I did. But uh, let me tell you there were quite a few things that she did grill me on. One being, trying to tell me there's no reason why a girl should feel insecure about themselves, and especially over someone else that doesn't compare, and isn't even worth wasting breath over. The way she put it was a way I needed to hear it. Strangely enough, when she said anything I wasn't upset. I cried, but it was more of embarassment and ..well. being ashamed; she put me in my place. I wish my boyfriend were there too, because I feel like she needed to slap him silly on a few things too. Only a few, though. It's mostly me. But hey, I'm working on it. and I can say without lying that I am already feeling better. It's hard, not to revert to my old mindset of going about *things*. It's hard. But I am getting better. It won't change overnight, but I'm working on it, and I haven't said anything to my boyfriend that "Rhymes with whipped cream", as Melissa said, haha. I do feel shitty sometimes, for the way I react about things. I mean I have reasons, but so does everyone. It was nice to talk to someone about it that wasn't just gonna tell me like, "Oh, you're right. She IS ugly." Or, "Yeah. He IS dumb. Why would he even bother?!" But give me a reason behind it. So, to reassure my mind that I'm not completely neurotic, or to assure that I was wrong. It was good. She is a gem. I know that after that week I spent with her and Sierra (her roommate, who I also went to high school with who is an absolute doll), I know her and I will be friends for a long time.. I just know it. She's just that important to me that I wouldn't let it be any other way.
Well. I am watching Sweet Home Alabama right now and damn does this movie hit the spot for heartstrings! Wish I had am an cuddlin' me right now.
Mexico 2011
HELLO! My family made another Summer trip to Mexico, just like last year's. Here are some photos from then:
As you can see in the first (sideways) picture, we encountered HORRENDOUS traffic at the border. My family isn't really into little weekend roadtrips; we're kindof the fly & go type. So we did a memorial day weekend trip, and wow - I don't think my family knew that everyone in Arizona goes to Mexico for Memorial Day! Haha! It was packed! Our hotel was also the hotel to be at for the younger crowd, as well. The radio station 98.3 was at our hotel the whole weekend blasting music by the pool, and it was just a big party. I only drank once the whole weekend, and it was with my mom and sister. Pretty eventful (not really) - and I was the only one tipsy! Haha...
A lot happened this weekend as far as progression. I don't even know if I should go into detail just because this blog really is public; my feelings and anguish is one thing to share about, no big - however, family issues I feel is something that I should probably keep private. So in a nutshell, I got off alot of stuff off my chest that has been built up pretty much all through high school, as well as just over the past couple months or so. Remember I mentioned my parents and their feelings on the revolution of teenagers (including myself)? Well we definitely discussed that. At this point, i am not really sure if it has done my family good. I feel like they are still going to be mad at me or whatever, but I definitely have more deserved freedom. When it comes to my boyfriend though, nothing's really changed. I bet if him and I were to go out when he finally moves back here, they'll still be calling me an hour after I leave asking where I am, what I'm doing, etc. If you've read far back enough, I've mentioned how his family has a reunion every year. Last year they invited me, and I wasn't able to go. Same as this year. I thought that you know, maybe after the *deep* discussion, they might be different and realize that, "hey. she's old enough now to make a decision and hang with who she wants." Nope. I'm not. my parents won't accept that I am smart enough to make decisions...smart decisions.
I'm obviously bitter. So i'm going to write a happier post now.
As you can see in the first (sideways) picture, we encountered HORRENDOUS traffic at the border. My family isn't really into little weekend roadtrips; we're kindof the fly & go type. So we did a memorial day weekend trip, and wow - I don't think my family knew that everyone in Arizona goes to Mexico for Memorial Day! Haha! It was packed! Our hotel was also the hotel to be at for the younger crowd, as well. The radio station 98.3 was at our hotel the whole weekend blasting music by the pool, and it was just a big party. I only drank once the whole weekend, and it was with my mom and sister. Pretty eventful (not really) - and I was the only one tipsy! Haha...
A lot happened this weekend as far as progression. I don't even know if I should go into detail just because this blog really is public; my feelings and anguish is one thing to share about, no big - however, family issues I feel is something that I should probably keep private. So in a nutshell, I got off alot of stuff off my chest that has been built up pretty much all through high school, as well as just over the past couple months or so. Remember I mentioned my parents and their feelings on the revolution of teenagers (including myself)? Well we definitely discussed that. At this point, i am not really sure if it has done my family good. I feel like they are still going to be mad at me or whatever, but I definitely have more deserved freedom. When it comes to my boyfriend though, nothing's really changed. I bet if him and I were to go out when he finally moves back here, they'll still be calling me an hour after I leave asking where I am, what I'm doing, etc. If you've read far back enough, I've mentioned how his family has a reunion every year. Last year they invited me, and I wasn't able to go. Same as this year. I thought that you know, maybe after the *deep* discussion, they might be different and realize that, "hey. she's old enough now to make a decision and hang with who she wants." Nope. I'm not. my parents won't accept that I am smart enough to make decisions...smart decisions.
I'm obviously bitter. So i'm going to write a happier post now.
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