So I haven't written in a while.
I've just been completely preoccupied with school - I had a final EVERY day during finals week, and even had 2 finals before finals week started so I was a busy girl!!
I have just finished packing up my room and am leaving for good! Well, until January.
I have so much planned for the break still.. I can't wait to catch up with all my friends mostly, go christmas shopping, and the Philippines! Ah, it's going to be great. I'm also planning on working out a ton, because I really let myself go during this first semester of college, haha. In retrospect, I did pretty well with keeping myself together than most did.. I got almost straight A's and my social life plunged, but I did remain eating healthy. Even if I still gained the weight of a newborn baby, haha.
I sometimes find myself wondering what would've happened if I didn't stay in state; where I would've gone. I think I would have either tried for Redlands in California, or somewhere in the East because that's where all the happenings are.
I reflected back on what I accomplished this semester, and I couldn't muster up like a huge lengthy list as I would've hoped... no. Well, I accomplished not failing any classes, for one (well i didn't fail at all, or close haha.).. I managed to somehow deplete my social skills into some area that I will probably reacquire once I've figured out the hang of things in college...
I have also been thinking, "is it bad that I am going to college just to GET a degree?"
I don't know how to describe it. I don't know where I'm going to end up in life, if I'll even be teaching. After being around so many good musicians, I realized how much more one can do with their musical talent. I just don't think I have that much motivation to be practicing as much as they do. I dont think it means I don't want it as bad, who knows - I just feel like I dont have that motivation to practice all day, in a sense of just wasting my life away practicing. What will that do for you? Yeah, it'll just make you a better musician. But what about all the other things one could do with all that time they practiced? I think that's great that people can dedicate themselves like that, but I don't think I could. I feel like my purpose in life isn't to just practice all day, in a selfish notion to make myself better, for myself. Who else will that benefit? I want to help people, do good. Not just perform for me, get better so I can say "Ahhh performance degree this and that, I'm good enough to just perform."
Ever since I've been here at ASU though, I really miss dance, and I really miss acting. Violin has always been rewarding, but I'm not sure if it's always been quite as fun as acting and dancing was for me. The fun I get out of violin is when I win competitions. That's like my golden happiness, of pure fu*king joy. Is that really it? That's what my life is about, winning from playing an instrument?
I think that's why I've decided to get an education degree, because I think I know now that I don't have to keep winning competitions to know that I've accomplished myself with violin. At the same time though, I don't think I want to be a teacher for the rest of my life, either. Where does all those years of dancing and theatre come in? I think those two would be so fun and .... exhilarating. A de-stresser. Violin is usually a stress inducer, especially around lesson time or juries this semester - I broke out so much ( thats like the key indication of any type of stress for me. And the fact that when I eat something [which i overeat when stressed] goes straight to my ass). Not that I don't love violin, but I feel like I should be getting more out of it .. more SATISFACTION. Maybe I'm just not working hard enough.
On that note, my time at home so far has been extremely relaxing and full of family time. I have missed being home so much.
xox
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