Why am I having anxiety? I can't go to bed. Why. It's almost 2am Eastern time, and I'm sitting up in bed needing to write. This whole trip to New York has been just a tempestuous week.
It started off with the same anxious behaviors for me; I even called Jee to have her calm me down when I went to see Matt's show Sunday. I panicked. I was straight up panicking, asking myself why am I not excited? Why do I want to leave? I realized it was because I knew his whole family was there, and I was going to be meeting his whole family. I didn't end up having to meet them all that night which actually did put me at ease, however I met his sister and she was super nice. He is so nice. Seriously a sweet guy, and funny.
He picked me up Wednesday and I stayed in Woodstock with him until Friday- afterwards we went to New Jersey, and by that time I actually had eased up and was up to meeting his parents. The funny part is that he has no idea of all these feelings toward meeting his family I had leading up to it all.
So I knew the conversation was coming, and I kept telling all my friends and family that "I really do like him; I'm not looking for anything/anybody else nor interested in anybody else - but I'm not ready to use the 'b' word yet" (boyfriend). I just had all these doubts. I first said, "The short answer is 'yes'" . I had to quickly elaborate because I know I would be going INSANE in my head if it were reversed so I had to act quick.
- Long distance has n e v e r worked out for me, ever. I'm now having anxiety of what is the end goal? Do I move out there, does he come here?
- I am not even remotely interested in anybody else; I always look forward to hearing from him which made it hard for me to deal with losing excitement once I was around him finally
- I don't want hurt him. Yes this sounds so cliche but it I am serious. He is such a genuine, amazingly wonderful guy I feel really lucky to have been able to connect with, but I kept freaking myself out telling myself that I am the "g" in this relationship and he was the "t". I'm the unsure one; I may not have been saying "I don't know if I need you yet but once I leave and I do then we can continue"-- but I did tell him that I just wasn't ready to say the b word yet and I didn't know why. Because it's not like I want to be free to date other people or something. Something was just holding me back.
And after voicing these (and others, just can't remember at the moment everything), he was so understanding and said he was totally fine with just not calling it anything, but just knowing we had a special connection was okay. I was like WHAT NO. NO. If we are doing long distance we NEED a label. And this was so weird for me because I LIKE labels so why didn't I want one? I was scared! He got where I was coming from and agreed that labels are nice but he didn't want to demean what we have just to have a "boyfriend girlfriend" status. Especially in long distance you need to know exactly what things are because there is no room for gray areas. You already have so many factors working against you that this stuff just needs to be concrete.
Slowly but surely he helped me realize what exactly I was scared for- I wasn't scared he would cheat on me or hurt me; I was legitimately afraid I would hurt him. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through. Especially someone like him. He is such an amazing person and it brought tears to my eyes just at the thought that someday I could hurt him the way I had been hurt. Because of all my uncertainties I felt like I would be the one calling it off- I already saw "signs"....which Melissa told me to stop doing (comparing myself to my ex). He didn't even want to try and "convince" me to put a label, he could just see I was distraught about it and I want to be if not always 100% transparent with him and vice versa.
I did cry, because I felt so badly that I couldn't just give him a straight yes. He said he was actually happy that I was honest with him instead of a couple days later feeling weird and then him thinking OMG what did I DO - because I would go through the same thoughts haha (and have in the past).
In summation, he just makes things...everything so much easier. I opened up to him about g but not too much because I didn't want him to think this was all about g and that I wasn't over it- which he started to imply and I IMMEDIATELY cut him off lol. I was like oh my GOSH this is NOT because me still not being over everything! It was just hard for me to describe to him that I still have some ptsd from that. If only Melissa was there to be like "ok so this is what she's feeling and why etc etc". If there is one person on this planet that knows exactly what goes on in my head it's her, and she'd be able to articulate it better than me since I was emotional lol.
Once I gave him a short gist of g and I's relationship, he described my exes as, "Wow, it sounds like you have just had a bunch of overcooked steaks in the past!" It made me laugh.
We ended up walking back to the inn (which was ADORABLE btw), and laying on the hammock talking more. We got in to this long talk about people, relationships, people that can't live without someone else, and then he went on a tangent about people that just aren't comfortable being alone.
While he was going on this tangent, my mind started wandering and I realized laying in that hammock with him that I am not going to let my past fuck over my present especially when something this good comes along. And I just blurted out to him "I want to be your girlfriend".
He immediately stopped talking and started at me confused like, what???
I said it again and I wish I could have taken a picture of his face in that moment. He looked so, so, genuinely happy. It makes my stomach flutter a little bit just remembering how happy his face changed to when I said it. His eyes even got a little glassy, and we just kept laying there in that hammock. Then once the mushy-gushy-straight-out of-a-bachelorette-episode-moment ended he started laughing, realizing my HORRIBLE timing for interrupting his relationship/attachment tangent.
I have never had a "honeymoon" vacation. It has always been interrupted somehow; other engagements, other families (usually mine) somehow involved. It has never been just me and the guy, uninterrupted. And it was honestly pure bliss. We honestly looked like a married couple. We weren't the PDA kind (I despise that and he does too thank god) but you could just tell we were really happy to be around each other. I had an amazing time and I even forgot the date, day, everything that entire time.
Now fast forwarding to when I knew I was catching serious feelers-
-He makes a point to remember things I like or am interested in. He went out early in the morning Saturday when we were in New Jersey to get bagels and strawberry cream cheese because I had told him the other day I loved everything strawberry (and he already new I am a fucking carb queen.)
- He did so much planning to make it a really special trip for me. Down to finding restaurants to finding a place in the town we were in called Bread Alone to take me to, because he knows I love bread.
- He got HAMMERED Saturday night. He took Shane, Michelle, and I to his old work and they of course loaded him with shots, which I don't know if I want to poison this post with my negative complaints on this part of the trip. Anyway, when we came back to the apartment, I stayed up until 4 sitting next to him on the couch while he slept because I wanted to make sure he would stay on his side and give him liquids... he really didn't look good and I was convinced he may throw up. I just sat there, asked him how he was every now and then, and ran my fingers through his hair. And I was okay with that.
Now in about two hours, I should technically be waking up to leave New York. How do people do long distance? HOW? I'm already wondering how the heck I'm going to last another month, or however long it'll be till the next time I see him.
Also, another plus: being around him has made me want to for sure keep doing my music. His drive for music is admirable.
