I am weirdly negative. Weird, negative mood. It started with seeing this couple at DDS after class dance. They practice and they're getting good. I guess I got oddly jealous of this couple who used to not be that good, because I'm not practicing like that anymore. I am doing half ass practicing with my boyfriend because I don't want us to just spend our time practicing before he leaves, and then half ass practicing Latin with someone else and not doing a lot with him because I'm dividing my half-assed time to both.
On top of that, it is like my lack of motivation is leaking everywhere. What is wrong with me? Am I getting depressed again? I think I am. Why am I not motivated to do anything anymore? Even teaching is a drag to me. I think I'll start exercising soon. I have to. I need to find a way to feel good about myself.
The other day, I wrote this to bf:
i feel like ever since you decided that you wanted to stay together, you’ve been in better spirits which is a relief. you’re really excited to leave. and it feels like that excitement has made leaving easier for you and anything to do with me one less thing to worry about. I’m definitely better than I was when you first told me you were going for sure, but it's still hard. I don’t know when that switch will be, when you are gushing about moving and all the excitement, and I will be able to be jumping up and down right next to you. Maybe it’ll never happen but I hope for your sake and mine it does change. I do know I'll be jumping up and down in the airport when I'm waiting for my flight to see you though like an idiot. This is not saying I am genuinely not happy for you because I am. People are shocked when I say that I never once told you to stay. I still feel that way. If you stayed here only because you didn’t want to leave me, that means a lot - but I would honestly make you leave haha.
Before you had officially decided to stay together you would miss me after just being around me, or take me out. or just enjoy it for “the time we have left”. Anything tends to be more spirited I suppose when you think it’s going to end. I guarantee in my last stretch of violin lessons I’ll probably kick ass more than I ever did all year, but that’s beside the real point. While that part was a shitty feeling, it also brought out this part of you that i didn’t know was there. it was so different to the point where I had to take a step back and realize this was still the same person. and now I’m already feeling like we are going to be dancing a lot more (actually really great, it’s what I wanted the whole time). but I didn’t want my last few weeks of you living here to be like that, and maybe I’m looking at it all wrong like any time spent is what matters most. that’s why I don’t really want to talk about it because I feel dumb and and it’ll get easier with time as things always do. I should be thankful that it is even better than it was ever before.
so it’s like bittersweet because good things are still happening but not I guess at the same time. I love dancing and especially with you (and well) more than anyone else. Dancing with other people has really been an eye opener and it reminded me why when I finally started dancing with you it made me love dancing so much more. I will definitely keep dancing of course, but I would be lying if I said I feel just as fulfilled afterwards without you there or even close. In the future whenever we do get to dance I’ll take it as a huge treat. I really hate being a debbie downer especially now because i just want the last bit of time you have with/without me here to be all positive, not wasted on stupid boys or me having these feelings of being needy and sad when i should be that happy girlfriend you actually enjoy being around. and with me at least, negativity just pulls me further away from a person and annoys me (as it has in the past not with you) but i really do put up a front a lot of the time. And when I have to say goodbye to you even if it’s after a dance practice it’s like a reminder to me in the moment that i have to do that pretty soon and it will suck so it’s like instant mood change almost every timeUgh. Just reading it over again makes me mad. Why am I so negative and whiny???
Then, as I'm grocery shopping, we are starting to text about suggestive things, and during that conversation he totally deviates and asks if one of my friends dislikes him because it's been on his mind. Literally mid conversation of the other one. That annoyed me, so I was cold the rest of the night and it is all so dumb. THEN THEN. Seriously, another then. Then, I see he RSVP'd to an event this Saturday morning to help teach dance. I KNOW I am going to have to drive him since we'll be doing a lesson with Larry. So I'll have to drive us around Saturday, and to back up it's like I'm mad he wants to go to the event for DDS Saturday. I think it's me getting selfish like, I want to enjoy him all for me or something before he goes. What the FUCK is going on in my head these days? Normally I take pride in my attitude, and I can't say that I feel that way right now. At all.
Another thing is, this one has been building up for awhile I think:
One day it occurred to me and I don't remember what the pivotal point of action was, but I one day asked myself is my boyfriend cheap? I always thought no, because he seems to be a giving person; I remember seeing he donated money to this girl's production for her capstone project, and I don't know I guess when you're in love you really just see the good things. Not to say I am not in love with him anymore because I totally am; but - it's like one day I think after paying for myself when we did things together in one period of time OH I REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS!!! We were going to eat at Green I believe, and he asked me what I was ordering and I told him. He proceeded to order and then paid for himself, and then I had to go next. It threw me off a little bit but not enough to notice a change in behavior. Like if you're asking your girlfriend to lunch, you fucking pay for her. Sorry if that's harsh.
So, a couple more instances happened like this, and I finally asked one of my girlfriends to answer me honestly. Because at this point, I didn't know if I had just been "spoiled" by seeing how my dad is with literally everyone and anyone (and him & my mom reminiscing on the old days when he was poor but still spent every penny he made on her almost just to take her out), and also the past two guys I've dated were so old fashioned like that. I never paid for dinner or anything with them. Tyler was like, annoyingly generous. It used to cause fights... like he wouldn't want to go out if he couldn't afford to pay. That's a little excessive. But it's just weird being with someone that rarely ever takes me out. It's like, an amazing shock when he does these cute thinking of me moments like buying me kombucha when I didn't even ask for it - his "cheap" behavior is not a reflection of his heart; he is such a kind hearted person and I think it's just one of those qualities I'll have to get used to (which honestly every girl will probably admit isn't their favorite haha).
Back to my story. I ended up asking one of my girlfriends if my boyfriend was cheap because I simply didn't know. She laughed out loud and said WITHOUT hesitation, "Yes!"
Has it been that obvious?? So now, we have this ongoing joke which may be mean, but every time him and I do something and I pay (which is more frequent than not btw) I text her and she gets a big kick out of it.
Continuing with the cheap thing; he hasn't had to pay for rent in so long, and it really upset me that I had to pay for my own ticket to DC when he invited me to a wedding. He said he couldn't pay for it but he could buy us a room. Does he realize I am a teacher, and I make less than $15k a year?? With that income, I paid for his plane ticket to Chicago, my family bought ALL of his meals, and I provided a hotel. Without a doubt he probably makes at least triple what I do, no rent costs, and he can't afford to pay for his girlfriend's plane ticket to a wedding HE invited ME to? It is just absolute bs to me. I thought I may have been sounding like a spoiled brat, so I had to consult my best friend and she reminded me that I literally do not think about money when it comes to him - which I don't. I just don't put a price tag on him, because I love him so much. Not like you buy love, but because I love him I literally don't care what I have to pay in order to make him happy/be with him. And I struggle with trying to separate what someone is willing/how often someone is willing to spend on you with just their overall love for you. So I need to divide the two and tell myself that just because he isn't as "generous" towards me as I am towards him, it doesn't reflect on how much he cares about me. Right?????
Again with the kind heart - he gave me ----Yes, gave me, the remaining of his dance lessons ($300). I was shocked. This is what shows me how kind hearted he is. I couldn't believe it. That is fucking generous I would say. I was surprised that he didn't ask me to buy at least 1/2 of the cost or something. Absolutely shocked. I mean this is from the guy that didn't buy my bialy & smoothie ~ $7 during lunch one day.
Writing this all out makes me sound ungrateful, but I am only human. I think a lot of my qualities are not like other girls, but I think most girls or people in general are similar in the sense that they like to feel loved. I feel loved when I get to spend quality time with a person, and like any girl, I like to be appreciated through actions, and things together. For me one of the ways I show someone I care is by cooking/baking for them, buying little things here and there -just because I thought of them. But not everyone loves the same way.
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On Tuesday, I spoke with one of the mothers of my students after his piano lesson, and it came on topic that my boyfriend was moving to Colorado. She seemed lightly concerned and since we aren't close by any stretch, she was delicate about it an I said I was definitely sad, but I am excited for him at the same time in a way. She proceeded to tell me most of the relationship pre-marriage with her husband was long distance. She made me feel so much better about doing long distance. She was so positive! She was saying how with all the technology and cheaper flight tickets than say 10-15 years ago, it's a lot easier to do long distance. Facetime is a thing now. Back then it was phone calls as a primary communication. I remember when him and I weren't even together last summer, he wrote me one letter. ONE. I waited all summer for him, imagining what it could be like when he got back. Things eventually got moving but that was hard, not talking for 3 months. I am going to try and budget to visit him 2 times/month. at least. Is that too much?
Jesus this post is long. I've had a lot on my mind lately.
Summary, I love my boyfriend. So much. Struggling to separate what you spend on a person being a measurement of how much you care. I may be depressed again. I am not enjoying school right now. I want to dance my ass off.
