I would just like to say that I love love. Yes, I realize the tone of this is already starting off completely different than most of my posts as of recent. But I really do. It amazes me the power it has on someone, anyone. It affects their entire perspective, their way of living. I think the month of June and I suppose May as well were kind of low points for me this year. It really shows me now where I am in a regular state of mind just how powerful love can be and what it can do to you, for better and for worse. It's like a pill that if I don't have it, I can't function. Or it can literally drive you insane. Thinking of every outcome, every possible situation that you could be in just to prepare yourself for the worst. Making your mind wander into dark places that really is just making you feel worse, and feel less of a person.
Now that I have been reading more about the Keirsey personality profiles, the ENFJ profile has been helping me understand how I see myself in a relationship. It brings more clarity to read that I'm not insane for putting other's needs before mine (not trying to be self righteous here, I literally will put any of my friend's needs before mine especially a s.o. ) and that it is part of my temperament to be a people pleaser. It also helps me realize that I need to start paying attention to myself more often and remember that I have needs too. Haha.
That's what makes people love each other in the first place, I think. They see you and all the things that make you, you. What food you like, how you react in situations, how your personality compliments theirs, common interests. If I forget what makes me how I am, then what could I possibly offer in a positive way to a relationship? You don't want to become the same person as who you're with; it's that combination of similarities and differences that brought you two together.
That was a point that was made when I had a heart to heart with the bf over the weekend. He wants me to voice my opinions more and what I want. It wasn't that easy though; I got to a place emotionally where I felt too scared to even say that I wanted to see him, because I thought he would just say no. I didn't want to smother him, or be on this higher level of love and commitment than him. And once we both got out in the air what our current anxieties of the relationship were, I know that I felt just a huge breath of relief and I could tell he did too.
One thing I felt so bad about about was I accidentally let it slip out that I had made reservations to take him to dinner and everything which I didn't ever plan on telling him. Yeah, I was upset that he didn't want to see me but I just wanted him to have a good birthday and it be on his terms whatever he wanted to do. After my dance performance he was weird and funky and I immediately thought, oh shit please not again we were starting to do so well and now he's back to being weird and depressed and not feeling it. Him feeling bad about "ruining" my birthday plans for him opened up all these repressed anxieties we were both having about the relationship and it was such a relief. I even had the courage to tell him that I thought he wasn't in love with me anymore and it sucked to hear myself say it out loud, but I wanted him to know how I felt.
Basically, by the end of our hour and 45 minute conversation in my car, we decided to say goodbye and we didn't want to leave each other. It was like old times. He even said he would miss me. I hadn't heard that in a long time. Ever since then, we have been back to our old selves, sending stupid photos and updating throughout the day. I am not holding back with asking to hang out, and it is so refreshing. It's nice to feel wanted again and loved. While it's not 100% back to where it was, it is pretty damn close. Like a world's difference from even two weeks ago. I can't believe I have the old boyfriend back. He even changed his plans to be able to see me on the 4th of July which was shocking, I even told him to not worry about changing his camping trip but he did anyway. He is also going to Hawaii too to visit me, and I am so so excited.
On a separate note, I have my surgery scheduled for a week from Monday. Finally this sucker is coming out. I wonder if it has been the cause of the years of abdominal pain I've had. If it all goes away, that'll be amazing. If not, turns out Accutane did fuck up my body.
I also got my first credit card bill back. Holy shit, I spent money so fast. :(
