I have never seen someone suffer. It brought tears to my eyes just seeing my aunt. I kept telling myself, "You're fine, you're fine" on the way over to her house, and then once I saw her I just broke down. She lost so much weight, and she looked weak. Cancer is a bitch.
It was hard for me to tell her about my trip because it was such a happy experience for me, while she was in bed, dying. On top of that, I was so guilty because a week before I left, I was going to visit her and bring her back a dish she used to make sauce for me, and when she missed my call she left me a message saying to call her back and that she was sick. I just assumed that she meant she had the flu, so I just did my thing till I left for Europe because I didn't want to catch her flu that I was afraid to catch. God I get so mad when I look back and think about that. It was so selfish of me. I literally found out she had cancer the day I left for my trip, in the airport about to board for my flight. My mom called to tell me...and I had that guilt the whole trip. I didn't even want to call and say sorry. I didn't know what to say, I was too embarrassed.
it was so hard today talking to her, because all I kept thinking about was she won't be here for this. That. In a few months. My mom started talking about my graduation in the spring, and my aunt said "Well I won't be here for that." And it stung. Why her? Why anyone for that matter? She JUST got her house the way she wanted it... the floors redone, new counters, new beautiful house. And now she can't enjoy it. She won't see me graduate, she won't see me get married, or see my someday children. She is missing it because of fucking cancer. It angers me so much, but tears me apart at the same time. I'm guilty that I didn't spend more time with her, and I'm guilty that I didn't call her back. I can't believe I was too afraid to call her, thinking she'd make me come over anyway with her having a FLU. It eats me up inside and I am so mad at myself.
One thing this is shown me is that I cannot take my life for granted. If you're unhappy, fix it. If you aren't where you want to be, move. If you want extra fries with your cheeseburger, get them. Or don't. It's up to you. You make the bed you lay in, and if you are unhappy with your life or where you are, then something needs to change because it could all change for the worse....just like that. I left for Europe thinking my aunt was just having a light sickness and didn't call her, and I get back and she is dying.
I think the most important thing in life is to be happy and try to do what you can to be successful to yourself in life. I think that's why I am so focused on just being alone now, because I have never felt so lost before in my life. How lost can one be in life if they are surrounded by a myriad of relationships yet feel so lost? Something has to be wrong.
I'm sorry Aunt Isola. I just wish her pain to go away. I don't want her to suffer anymore.
